Update & question on where to go from here

[akrngrl]

Boom.

 

And, really, I think the problem here is that now everyone is in damage control mode. It is seriously hard to reverse that momentum, especially in a new relationship.

 

I went through my own version of this a few months ago, AK, as documented in some exhausting threads of my own. What had been warm and fun and spicy and so shockingly awesome that my notoriously stubborn Teammate Radar started flickering just got...well, weird and heady and fraught and SHADY.

 

Won't retread, but suffice to say that what became clear to me, once it was over and I had some space to cool down and process, was that we went into a nose dive because the exclusive talk came from a disingenuous place on both our sides. It was anxiety-driven. It was damage control. It was, in a way, more shade to sweep away shade.

 

Didn't feel authentic, to either of us—for different reasons, sure, but inauthentic is inauthentic. The center couldn't hold.

 

Which brings me back to butt-kicking. You can't control him, whether he is going to spend this weekend swiping or not. You can control you, whether you want to confront that it a shady way or not. "Creeping"—i.e. choosing to do something you "hate" to do, which is to say something that will make you "hate" the situation you're in even more—is shade. Keeps the plane nosediving.

 

So, sure, you can wait until next week to have an adult conversation. Or, hell, you can have one right now. You are under no obligation to feel tortured over the weekend. If you can't spend the weekend getting lost in possible bathroom tiles and allowing all this to just breathe, then you can talk to him before. Whether it's 2 months or 20 years, you should not be scared to talk to someone, just like whether your 12 or 52 you should not be relying on mobile apps to gauge someone's feelings and intentions.

 

Very well said. I’m not actually worried about him swiping so I won’t be wrought with anxiety or anything this weekend (I promise haha). He had asked me to sleep over and I said I couldn’t and said we should plan it for a weekend when we were free and he suggested next weekend. That’s the last weekend he’s in my immediate area so I figure I can bring it up then and figure out what to do. Anything other than a “let’s continue to be exclusive both sexually and generally” and I’m out. The risk of him being gone and hoping he’s willing to call/Skype just isn’t worth it if his eyes are going to be wandering.

 

I’m not necessarily afraid to bring it up, more that I don’t want to be nagging since it’s taken up a lot of time these last two weeks (by both of us). I just hate that I’m not communicating my needs adequately because I’m apparently not great at articulating them (even in this forum).

[akrngrl]

Just my experience, but people (both men and women) who have commitment issues can be incredibly warm and sensitive, more than the average person even sometimes.

 

My brother struggles with these fears and he is one of the most sensitive people I know, kind, caring, even with the women he's dating.

 

Although deep down (and he is aware of this now) his fears surrounding emotional vulnerability and commitment are so strong, that as soon as it appears the woman is wanting more from him, he goes into an almost panic-like state, scrambling around, tossing out mixed and double messages, totally confusing the woman, just like you are now.

 

He genuinely likes her and doesn't want to lose her, but the thought of being vulnerable and committing override these feelings, hence the scrambling around, mixed and double messages etc.

 

If the woman buys into his BS, and chooses to wait around, his fears exacerbate and he will very suddenly bolt, creating an elaborate almost unbelievable excuse so that IF one day he changes his mind, she will still be there waiting.

 

Tears are also part of this equation, so it was interesting to read that he cried when expressing what he did.

 

Look, I don't think he's this super bad guy with ill intentions, he's just genuinely conflicted and no amount of waiting around or trying to be understanding will change this -- in fact it may exacerbate his fears!!

 

He also enjoys chaos on some level (which appears to be what's happening now) -- this way he has an excuse to leave without feeling guilty, so keep that in mind if you choose to proceed forward.

 

I think it's a total waste of time and energy to "talk" to him or clarify where you stand or anything else.

 

You have enough information now to realize he's just not a good prospect for long term, assuming that is what you want, which tbh despite your assertions to the contrary, I'm not even sure about anymore.

 

Just out of curiosity and I apologize if I’m over stepping, but was he always commitment phobic or did he have a relationship that sparked it? I hesitate to label anyone as anything, but I see some similarities. I just never considered it since he, by his own admission had only ever been in LTRs and had been married once before. I admittedly don’t know a whole lot about it though so maybe all of those factors are entirely possible and I’m just the first woman he’s displaying this with.

[akrngrl]

Add in his declaration of exclusivity came on heels of an update profile. It smacks more of damage control than it does a genuine mutual desire.

 

He had mentioned exclusivity (generally) before the updated profile incident. Numerous times he’s been like “you’re the only girl I’ve met here” (I know we’ve debated what. ‘Here’ meant but I think it to mean we started talking before he arrived and it’s only been me he’s gone out with). He mentioned it when I asked what he was looking for when he (perhaps) lied and told me he hid his profiles etc.

 

I will say it does seem sometimes he says things he thinks I want to hear as perhaps damage control? I’d be very intrigued if all of this ended up being just that...damage control.

[katrina1980]

Just out of curiosity and I apologize if I’m over stepping, but was he always commitment phobic or did he have a relationship that sparked it? I hesitate to label anyone as anything, but I see some similarities. I just never considered it since he, by his own admission had only ever been in LTRs and had been married once before. I admittedly don’t know a whole lot about it though so maybe all of those factors are entirely possible and I’m just the first woman he’s displaying this with.

 

No you're not overstepping; I've discussed my brother on several occasions on this forum, he knows too and is cool with it, if it will help others.

 

Anyway, he fell very much in love with his girlfriend in college, they were together for two years (it may have been longer), we all really liked her, she became part of our family, she was lovely.

 

Then during one summer, he suddenly became super depressed, locked himself in his room (literally locked his door) listening to music all day long.

 

No one knew what to do or how to help him but we knew it had to be something serious for him to be acting this way.

 

Finally he admitted she had broken up with him and he was absolutely devastated. Didn't harp on it too much, but I would say it took him a good 2 maybe 3 years to get back to himself.

 

Ever since then, he's had a serious of short term relationships, a few girls he fell really hard for after which he would spin into a panic, and suddenly end it, not without a lot of mixed and double messages, a lot of crying.

 

He is now in his 40s and has still not been able to sustain a healthy long term RL, he has broken many beautiful wonderful women's hearts leaving them extremely confused and sometimes devastated, just as HE felt when "Sandy" broke up with him back in college.

 

Edit: What's interesting is he is FINE when a woman is unavailable. In fact, I recall a woman he dated for almost a year who was pretty much unavailable for commitment herself and they got along GREAT! He sometimes complained about her unavailability but it appeared he felt more comfortable with that.

 

It's only when he really likes/loves a woman and she starts expecting (and asking for) more when his fears are triggered and he runs.

 

I am not saying your guy is or isn't, just telling you what I know about it.

 

Also, from what I understand about commitment fears, and from what I have witnessed with my brother, as long as there is a sufficient amount of distance (emotional and physical), whether a RL or marriage, the fear isn't triggered.

 

Try and close the gap, the fear is triggered.

[bluecastle]

It is, in my opinion, hardly "just" damage control. And I'd really challenge that mode of thinking, because there is a cynicism in there that doesn't mesh well with connecting.

 

I think a lot of it is his inability to be straightforward—first with himself, then with you, and, increasingly, your mutual inability to be straightforward with each other at this juncture.

 

Look, I used to be pretty slippery. Not because I was a cad trying to play it every which way—I swear!—but because I am an inveterate people pleaser who hates disappointing. So even if, say, a close friend asked if I felt like getting dinner, instead of just being straight ("I just want to sit home alone tonight") I'd offer some unneeded song and dance that exhausted us both.

 

Needless to say, versions of that song and dance have played out plenty in dating. No need to give details. You're living your version. It's tiring.

 

For me, with age, it got too tiring. I've learned to tell friends that dinner sounds nice, but I'd rather read a book alone—finally realized (duh!) that when they do the same to me I don't, you know, hate them. And I've learned to be the same with women, being pretty direct, even when I'm fairly certain they won't like what they hear—having finally realized (duh!) that a lot of women have told me things I didn't love hearing but, lo and behold, I did not hate them for it. Just the opposite, in fact. I generally like them more, respect them more, though it might not mean more romance is possible.

 

Point being, he's not trying to be slippery. He's not trying to fool you. He is, in the end, doing what everyone does, what you're doing: his sincere best to be sincere. He's not a riddle. If he feels like a riddle—well, that's information, for you. Then you get to decide if you want romance to be riddle decoding (some do) or if you want it to be something else.

[akrngrl]

It is, in my opinion, hardly "just" damage control. And I'd really challenge that mode of thinking, because there is a cynicism in there that doesn't mesh well with connecting.

 

I think a lot of it is his inability to be straightforward—first with himself, then with you, and, increasingly, your mutual inability to be straightforward with each other at this juncture.

 

Look, I used to be pretty slippery. Not because I was a cad trying to play it every which way—I swear!—but because I am an inveterate people pleaser who hates disappointing. So even if, say, a close friend asked if I felt like getting dinner, instead of just being straight ("I just want to sit home alone tonight") I'd offer some unneeded song and dance that exhausted us both.

 

Needless to say, versions of that song and dance have played out plenty in dating. No need to give details. You're living your version. It's tiring.

 

For me, with age, it got too tiring. I've learned to tell friends that dinner sounds nice, but I'd rather read a book alone—finally realized (duh!) that when they do the same to me I don't, you know, hate them. And I've learned to be the same with women, being pretty direct, even when I'm fairly certain they won't like what they hear—having finally realized (duh!) that a lot of women have told me things I didn't love hearing but, lo and behold, I did not hate them for it. Just the opposite, in fact. I generally like them more, respect them more, though it might not mean more romance is possible.

 

Point being, he's not trying to be slippery. He's not trying to fool you. He is, in the end, doing what everyone does, what you're doing: his sincere best to be sincere. He's not a riddle. If he feels like a riddle—well, that's information, for you. Then you get to decide if you want romance to be riddle decoding (some do) or if you want it to be something else.

 

Very interesting about being a people pleaser.

 

And I understand what you’re saying about respecting straight forward people because I am the same way. I lose respect when there’s a song and a dance about things. If it’s yes cool, if it’s no, let me close this door and be in my merry way. Admittedly I don’t take kindly to people who try to leave the door open so they can return.

 

I would love to go with being direct- I thought I was but as I mentioned I think I went straight to official because it seemed logical. In my mind if he said yes, he didn’t want anyone else and if he said no, he wanted to still play the field. Then he brought his own demons into it and I was like “okay, squash this plan”.

 

Really all I want to know is, and at the risk of sounding incredibly crude, is he going to be open to meeting/sleeping with and seeing where it goes with people while he’s away OR is he going to kindly deflect them (I don’t know WHAT he’d say since “I have a gf wouldn’t be appropriate”) and make the effort for a once a week phone call and a once a week Skype tv show session with me?

 

Again, either answer is okay (admittedly one is preferred). I’m not asking for marriage or for you to be my boyfriend (yet), but I am asking you to be upfront and respectful with your intentions. If that seems fair and direct enough (which I feel like it does, correct me if I’m wrong) that’s what I’ll go with.

 

One of his friends who he lives with is a Casanova, women in every state he goes to waiting for him. Whether they know about each other I have no idea, but when I’ve joked to him about him being the same he’s always denied it and been like “nope that’s not my life”. Basically I don’t want to trust that and find out later it’s the opposite.

[reinventmyself]

And I understand what you’re saying about respecting straight forward people because I am the same way. I lose respect when there’s a song and a dance about things. .

 

But when asked about the update on the date app, he said he'd look into it and when asked about what he's looking for, he said something like he needed to time to figure it out?

 

Can you read your own discrepancies in the your thought process here?

Based on this it makes sense as to why you have so many questions about him, but it appears you need to clear with yourself first.

 

If you were straight forward and refused to deal with ambiguity like you just mentioned, this thread would not even exist.

 

Really all I want to know is, and at the risk of sounding incredibly crude, is he going to be open to meeting/sleeping with and seeing where it goes with people while he’s away OR is he going to kindly deflect them (I don’t know WHAT he’d say since “I have a gf wouldn’t be appropriate”) and make the effort for a once a week phone call and a once a week Skype tv show session with me?

 

At this point and time this ^^^ is your best move. Just call lay it out and put it to rest. Bam!

[katrina1980]

Why would telling other women he has a girlfriend not be "appropriate"?

 

Why are you so adverse to becoming "boyfriend/girlfriend"?

 

If you're dating exclusively, not having sex with others and desire consistency w/r/t phone calls and Skype calls (even if only once a week), all of which you said is what you want, then if he were to agree to that, then for all intents and purposes you are boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

Not sure why being bf/gf scares you so much, it doesn't mean you're getting married, it doesn't even mean you're fully committed. It means your exclusively dating to see where it would lead, if anywhere.

 

Heck, no disrespect but I am beginning to think you may be as unavailable as he is! (Despite your assertions to the contrary).

 

Cause I feel like we are getting a lot of mixed and double messages, and a lot of ambiguity from you too.

 

Very VERY confusing, just like you yourself feel with him.

[akrngrl]

But when asked about the update on the date app, he said he'd look into it and when asked about what he's looking for, he said something like he needed to time to figure it out?

 

Can you read your own discrepancies in the your thought process here?

Based on this it makes sense as to why you have so many questions about him, but it appears you need to clear with yourself first.

 

If you were straight forward and refused to deal with ambiguity like you just mentioned, this thread would not even exist.

 

Really all I want to know is, and at the risk of sounding incredibly crude, is he going to be open to meeting/sleeping with and seeing where it goes with people while he’s away OR is he going to kindly deflect them (I don’t know WHAT he’d say since “I have a gf wouldn’t be appropriate”) and make the effort for a once a week phone call and a once a week Skype tv show session with me?

 

At this point and time this ^^^ is your best move. Just call lay it out and put it to rest. Bam!

 

My problem is I deal with ambiguity but I don’t like it haha. When I left dinner last week I was mad with a capital M. I had all these thoughts- “how could he take me there of all places and pull what he pulled?” “WHY would he say he had things to share and then have nothing to share!?” In all honestly I lost some respect for him-the indecisiveness, the teary look, the bs circular speaking. Especially since this entire time I’ve approached all of this from a very matter of fact stance with little to no emotion. Not robotic but not to where he shouldn’t feel safe saying what he had to say in fear of how I’d react.

 

I know I thought it, but I can’t remember if I said “Are you going to cry?” It literally blew my mind that this couldn’t just be a normal conversation and he was treating it like a root canal. I wasn’t there professing my undying love. I was like “we like each other, let’s elevate this”.

 

That’s exactly what I’m planning to do. I don’t want to seem cold or insensitive, but goodness there is so much emotion involved for what I thought would be a simple question. I’m going to be sad if he’s like “nope” but I will have SO much respect for him instead of bouncing along with evasive answers. And he may be in that grey space, but everything aside, we’ve been together long enough for him to know if he wants to keep seeing me or if he wants to galavant around the next three months. And frankly at this point even if he doesn’t know, then I just need to pull myself out of this equation.

[bluecastle]

Really all I want to know is, and at the risk of sounding incredibly crude, is he going to be open to meeting/sleeping with and seeing where it goes with people while he’s away OR is he going to kindly deflect them (I don’t know WHAT he’d say since “I have a gf wouldn’t be appropriate”) and make the effort for a once a week phone call and a once a week Skype tv show session with me?

 

Well, I think this kind of hairsplitting is really why labels exist, and there's no shame in wanting one, needing one. Because the truth is that it's really, really hard to have a satisfying conversation that ends with reaching a pact like this. I get the impulse, but at the end of the day I see this as you really stretching to come up with a way to make ambiguity feel, well, non-ambiguous.

 

Not saying a conversation along these lines can't be productive, but I think you've really got to be honest with yourself and your threshold. Because he can say all the right things (not open to meeting/sleeping, ready to deflect) and he can 100 percent mean them. But what happens once he's away? Does he remain closed to meeting/sleeping, a ninja deflector?

 

Let's say he does. Does that even really matter? Is a once a week phone/Skype session really enough to keep you from imagining otherwise? Is that really the sort of thing that, when sitting here imagining it, sounds awesome?

 

Just pushing here, to keep the goalposts planted in one spot.

[katrina1980]

akr, seems like you don't wish to respond to me anymore, and that's fine, your prerogative, but if I may ask, can you explain what you find so intriguing about this man so much so to be tolerating all this -- for lack of a better word -- bull shyt?

 

Are there no other men you could meet, preferably locally who don't spin you around like this and invoke so much craziness?

 

I am seriously not understanding, it's only been two months, surely you can't be this invested after such a short time.

 

The more you talk about all his evasiveness, spins, double speak, tears and drama when answering a very simple question pertaining to your RL, leads me to believe he and my brother have more in common than you might want to believe.

[reinventmyself]

Labels are not a guarantee of anything.

 

So, you get him to say it. How would you feel after knowing you had to ask for it? Wouldn't it have more value if he volunteered it from his heart and not because of logistical reasons and at the most it provides is some pseudo sense of security?

 

Kinda like the declaration of exclusivity immediately after his location updated on the dating website.

How warm and fuzzy did that make you feel?

 

He should think you are fabulous enough that he would want to step up and see that no one snatches you up in his absence, right?

 

Is he losing any sleep over this like you are? I surely hope so.

[katrina1980]

Labels are not a guarantee of anything.

 

 

You are absolutely right reinvent, absolutely no guarantee of anything.

 

But this is where my confusion comes into play, would someone PLEASE explain before I totally lose my shyt? lol

 

akr, you talk about wanting to define your RL, as if that is some assurance of something, while at the same time telling us it's too soon for the label of "boyfriend/girlfriend"?

 

What is it you want again? What type of assurance if not "bf/gf"?? SMH

[reinventmyself]

See this is where my confusion comes into play, would someone PLEASE explain before I totally lose my shyt?

 

akr, you talk about wanting a "label" as if that is some assurance of something, while at the same time telling us it's too soon for the label of "boyfriend/girlfriend"?

 

What is it you want again? SMH

This isn't about me and even though I was intimate and exclusive with my now bf, it took me close to a year to say the bf word.

 

But I have my own hangups :)- The message here is - it never was a reflection of my intent. It was just my tongue getting tied up along with some other messy stuff in my head.

 

He never once asked me to put a label on it either, it just came organically whenever we were good and ready.

For me, a little longer than most. He's just that comfortable and secure with himself. It never occurred to him because my actions were telling him everything he needed to know.

 

And from the day we met, we never had eyes for anyone else and based on his actions, I never doubted it. It's just that simple.

To be fair I did tell him my values before I had sex with him the first time. That I don't share well and I would expect some understanding of exclusivity. But anything other than that just unfolded on it's own.

 

I've done it the hard way, as chronicled in this thread. I wouldn't do it again. .. now that I know better

[katrina1980]

This isn't about me and even though I was intimate and exclusive with my now bf, it took me close to a year to say the bf word.

 

But I have my own hangups :)- The message here is - it never was a reflection of my intent. It was just my tongue getting tied up along with some other messy stuff.

 

He never once asked me to put a label on it either, it just came organically whenever we were good and ready. For me, a little longer than most.

He's just that secure with himself.

 

Okay, well thank you for explaining reinvent, appreciate it!

 

I cannot relate but will try to understand this mindset, especially since you experienced it yourself.

[reinventmyself]

Okay, well thank you for explaining reinvent, appreciate it!

 

I cannot relate but will try to understand this mindset, especially since you experienced it yourself.

 

I edited my last response

[akrngrl]

akr, seems like you don't wish to respond to me anymore, and that's fine, your prerogative, but if I may ask, can you explain what you find so intriguing about this man so much so to be tolerating all this -- for lack of a better word -- bull shyt?

 

Are there no other men you could meet, preferably locally who don't spin you around like this and invoke so much craziness?

 

I am seriously not understanding, it's only been two months, surely you can't be this invested after such a short time.

 

The more you talk about all his evasiveness, spins, double speak, tears and drama when answering a very simple question pertaining to your RL, leads me to believe he and my brother have more in common than you might want to believe.

 

Honestly, everything haha. I’ll speak from what it’s like when I’m with him and these convos aren’t happening (which to be fair were two out of probably almost 20 dates now). He challenges me (with travel, new experiences NOT by this stuff lol), supports me and is very interesting. He always texts and communicates wanting to see me/ when he can see me, etc. we have many of the same interests (which is rare) and he finds my slightly cynical nature endearing. We were on the same front on the family page (which is again really rare). He’s excited to include me in things and he wants me to include him in my struggles. I can’t explain it, but we just mesh well. He’s the ONLY person I’ve ever shown my panic attacks to (not intentionally) and I don’t know if anyone suffers from those, but the right person/words can mean everything in the moment. Overall I feel safe with him and comfortable. He pushes me just enough, but not to where I’m overly exposed and he’s been there for me through things that people I’ve been with in the past would have pleasantly ducked out of. TMI side note, but frankly I’ve never really enjoyed sex in the sense of actually enjoying the act-I enjoy that it makes a partner happy. For me I either haven’t felt anything or it’s just hurt (less so do I care if they’re enjoying it then lol). I enjoyed the act with him and it felt...good. He’s super focused on me and though it’s irrelevant in my case, I think that’s incredibly sweet. Overall I suppose we just have good chemistry and get along on a personality level.

 

And all the above is literally who he is every single time I see him-assured, confident, passionate. Only does this wishy washy half-truth teary eyed I’m scared nonsense come out the two times we’ve had to discuss things of the relationship nature. And I’ve seen him angry, sick, sad, etc.

 

I’ve been in the dating game going on six years and while sometimes I have gotten these feelings they were often wrapped in hopes of how I thought they’d be in certain situations and then by date 8, they crumble. This is the longest I’ve dated someone in over a year and I’ve matched/met with more people than I can even remember. Not to say I have to date people because likely if this didn’t work out Id go back to the coffee meets and the one and dones but mostly focus on my job. I’ve found everyone around me is a parent and everyone in the major city 2 hours away wants to have children “some day” and that’s just not in my cards.

 

When you talked about your brother (sorry I didn’t scroll up far enough) I did see some similarities. And it’s something I’m considering now that I know they can be sensitive and passionate all while being that deeply afraid.

[katrina1980]

I edited my last response

 

Thanks I saw it.

 

And just to clarify I am not particular fond of labels and titles myself, but I am not adverse to using them when necessary.

 

Like when introducing my bf to other people, once it was clarified we were exclusive, I introduced him to others as my bf (followed by his name), and he introduced me as his gf Kat, neither of us had any issue with that, at 2.5-3 months in.

 

Before clarifying being exclusive, I simply introduced him by his name and he did the same.

 

I was the first to introduce him as my bf though and then he followed suit.

 

We never even discussed it, it wasn't necessary, just sort of a given I guess and not a big deal.

 

Just my experience though, I respect yours reinvent (and also akr's) if those terms cause/caused you discomfort in one form or another.

[reinventmyself]

Honestly, everything haha. I’ll speak from what it’s like when I’m with him and these convos aren’t happening (which to be fair were two out of probably almost 20 dates now). He challenges me (with travel, new experiences NOT by this stuff lol), supports me and is very interesting. He always texts and communicates wanting to see me/ when he can see me, etc. we have many of the same interests (which is rare) and he finds my slightly cynical nature endearing. We were on the same front on the family page (which is again really rare). He’s excited to include me in things and he wants me to include him in my struggles. I can’t explain it, but we just mesh well. He’s the ONLY person I’ve ever shown my panic attacks to (not intentionally) and I don’t know if anyone suffers from those, but the right person/words can mean everything in the moment. Overall I feel safe with him and comfortable. He pushes me just enough, but not to where I’m overly exposed and he’s been there for me through things that people I’ve been with in the past would have pleasantly ducked out of. TMI side note, but frankly I’ve never really enjoyed sex in the sense of actually enjoying the act-I enjoy that it makes a partner happy. For me I either haven’t felt anything or it’s just hurt (less so do I care if they’re enjoying it then lol). I enjoyed the act with him and it felt...good. He’s super focused on me and though it’s irrelevant in my case, I think that’s incredibly sweet. Overall I suppose we just have good chemistry and get along on a personality level.

 

.

This is golden. This is that and much more than you could ever hope for. . .for being two months in. Period.

 

Sit on that.

 

Live in the moment because there are no guarantees in wonderful situations like these. Be grateful.

Get comfortable with the discomfort of not knowing. -of not having a crystal ball.

 

Go run around the block to burn off the anxiety that will ultimately trip you up and if you can't get a grip on it.

[katrina1980]

This is golden. This is that and much more than you could ever hope for. . .for being two months in. Period.

 

Sit on that.

 

Live in the moment because there are no guarantees in wonderful situations like these. Be grateful.

Get comfortable with the discomfort of not knowing. -of not having a crystal ball.

 

Go run around the block to burn off the anxiety that will ultimately trip you up and if you can't get a grip on it.

 

Once again THIS!!! The third cut and paste to your fridge from reinvent!! lol

 

ENJOY!!

[akrngrl]

Well, I think this kind of hairsplitting is really why labels exist, and there's no shame in wanting one, needing one. Because the truth is that it's really, really hard to have a satisfying conversation that ends with reaching a pact like this. I get the impulse, but at the end of the day I see this as you really stretching to come up with a way to make ambiguity feel, well, non-ambiguous.

 

Not saying a conversation along these lines can't be productive, but I think you've really got to be honest with yourself and your threshold. Because he can say all the right things (not open to meeting/sleeping, ready to deflect) and he can 100 percent mean them. But what happens once he's away? Does he remain closed to meeting/sleeping, a ninja deflector?

 

Let's say he does. Does that even really matter? Is a once a week phone/Skype session really enough to keep you from imagining otherwise? Is that really the sort of thing that, when sitting here imagining it, sounds awesome?

 

Just pushing here, to keep the goalposts planted in one spot.

 

I mean I do want a label ultimately, don’t get me wrong. But when asking for it now I was really wanting the above to be answered. To me a label means okay if I stray I’m a cheater and it’s a no go zone. I genuinely thought that was the whole point of a label. Being a boyfriend comes with a certain amount of responsibilities that are different from couple to couple and also the explicit rule that you are committing yourself to one other person. Not saying there aren’t circumstances where that’s not the case but by and large that’s how I look at it.

 

To me, I didn’t understand why anyone would want to tie themselves to someone without that label. If you’re gonna act like a boyfriend then you’re a boyfriend. I thought people didn’t want that so that they weren’t held to the standard of having to do “boyfriend things”

 

Okay, maybe twice a week and Skype movie dates (I’m being only slightly tongue in cheek). Honestly, yeah before all this started that’s what I envisioned. I’d visit once maybe twice, we were talking about that vacation and then the phone calls and Skype dates weekly until he got back here this summer. Obviously the general texts in there but as far as let’s set up a schedule so we have Time carved out for each other, that was what I wanted.

 

I would hope I’m still able to trust his word at this point because Of what’s been said but has he been on board originally that’s what I was going for.

[reinventmyself]

Aaargh! . . . .

. . .

. .

. lol

[akrngrl]

Aaargh! . . . .

. . .

. .

. lol

 

I’ve captured all your cut and pastes haha and I’m glad it doesn’t look like I’m chasing after a jerk.

 

Just with him leaving I want to continue this and do the Skype dates, etc., but I’ve learned not to assume hence why I wanted to ask what his intentions were at the end of this month. Keep going or put the fire out. Options to meet others open? Keep being exclusive. At the beginning I was under the impression that asking that was asking to be in a relationship “hey don’t be with anyone else, be with me”. If labels make him squeamish, but he’s willing to keep going and not be on the active hunt for others then great we can reassess after we’ve been together longer.

[akrngrl]

Side note: it’s apparent that my communication is clear as mud. What’re the odds that this is the reason he’s freaked out so much and was dragging his feet?

 

This is why I need a line by line script when talking haha.

[reinventmyself]

Side note: it’s apparent that my communication is clear as mud. What’re the odds that this is the reason he’s freaked out so much and was dragging his feet?

This is why I need a line by line script when talking haha.

 

It's just that you are talking in circles and I am getting dizzy. I hope vetting all this out helps it make sense for you.

You asked a question (highlighted) and that has been answered, at nauseam, honestly.

Are you getting anything out of this?