Update & question on where to go from here

[akrngrl]

Did I miss something/ Is it a fact that he's still participating or did the app's gps update his location automatically?

 

No, I don’t believe he’s participating any more. I think Kat was referring to when I initially posted this thread. He’s since actually hidden the app that updates his location on (when I checked it, the mileage was gone). The app that I mentioned I saw him on is one where you choose the area. He played innocent and said he’d look into it. There’s no way to know for sure as there’s no login tracking or gps. It’s still up but I’m assuming that if he’s hidden one he’s not going on the other.

[katrina1980]

Did I miss something/ Is it a fact that he's still participating or did the app's gps update his location automatically?

 

No I probably did, see my last post.

 

Akr, I am respectfully bowing out of discussion, it's too confusing, good luck!

[reinventmyself]

I think the timing in all of this isn't in either of your favors.

I have to put myself in his place, having come off a long term relationship and just meeting someone before my work life turns things upside down, I wouldn't dare promise anything if there was a chance that I might disappoint someone. I need a longer amount of time than some before that foundation is built, one that needs to be formed before a long distance relationship can be established and ultimately successful.

I don't blame him for not locking this down.

At this point you get to decide if this works for you.

It doesn't make him a bad guy, maybe just not the guy for you.

 

I was reading some cheesy dating advise sometime back but one line stuck out to me.

That women are often guilty of going into a date with the mindset `Is he going to be my forever after?' Men don't typically do this.

The goal here is to enjoy the moment, it's just a date and take your time getting to know someone.

A lot of people will cross your path in a lifetime and the odd's of them being `the one' are very slim.

[akrngrl]

I have a longer post coming, but at this point I think the lesson about this whole app moment is: learn to talk—directly, not by tests and proxies—about what is troubling you.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, AK, but the app thing, formerly a "debacle," now reduced to "hiccup," has not been discussed. Like, you never said something along the lines of: "Hey, I noticed that your location updated and it threw me a bit, since I thought we'd decided to go off the apps. What's up with that?"

 

Unaddressed, that little toxic seed has taken root. Did he "lie"? Did he just not close the app? Does the app update locations even when profiles are hidden or whatever? Did he end up opening it up and mindlessly swiping three times out of habit? Or is he simply still on the app, on the regular, while telling you otherwise?

 

I think you hoped you could shrug all that off, the way Katrina didn't care that her bf was on the apps at month three, the way I've relegated that to noise, whatever. But you couldn't, can't. A nice dinner didn't soften those thorns, neither did him showing up when your pet passed.

 

So I ask: Why not bring that up? See what he says? For you, your own sanity, even if sanity means knowing he was lying or that he is incapable of providing an answer that genuinely makes sense to you.

 

Because at this point I think a lot of the whiplash is coming by tiptoeing around the white elephant.

 

I did tell him I saw him on one two weeks ago when I started this thread. I admit I lied and said I logged in to show my friend a pic of him as we have no pics together and I saw that he updated his location to where he will be next month (hour away from where we are now). He feigned stupidity and said something like “but you have to put that location in yourself” and I was like “yeah I know, no judgement or pressure just kind of hurt a bit to be honest” and he swore he’d look into it. At the time the overarching convo was “let’s make this official”.

 

The app that I CAN check his distance on (the one I initially posted here about) he did hide after that night. So I can only assume he’s not using the one I called him out on either.

[katrina1980]

Before logging off, one thing I am confused about is -- did he tell you he's not dating others?

 

I could be wrong, but I thought he said he was not dating others in your area or his area or something along those lines.

 

But he travels a lot right?

 

So that leaves women he meets on travels open.

 

Again I could be mistaken can you clarify?

 

I dunno, I get where reinvent is coming from, I just don't have a good feeling about him, not sure where that comes from, but it's affecting my opinion so I will bow out.

[akrngrl]

I think the timing in all of this isn't in either of your favors.

I have to put myself in his place, having come off a long term relationship and just meeting someone before my work life turns things upside down, I wouldn't dare promise anything if there was a chance that I might disappoint someone. I need a longer amount of time than some before that foundation is built, one that needs to be formed before a long distance relationship can be established and ultimately successful.

I don't blame him for not locking this down.

At this point you get to decide if this works for you.

It doesn't make him a bad guy, maybe just not the guy for you.

 

I was reading some cheesy dating advise sometime back but one line stuck out to me.

That women are often guilty of going into a date with the mindset `Is he going to be my forever after?' Men don't typically do this.

The goal here is to enjoy the moment, it's just a date and take your time getting to know someone.

A lot of people will cross your path in a lifetime and the odd's of them being `the one' are very slim.

 

I appreciate you putting yourself in his shoes and I can see that-it seems he is so worried about being a disappointment because of his job, etc.

 

A real fear and maybe in the past he had ex’s that were mad because he wasn’t around because of his job. To me it’s like the military though-you maybe don’t get to talk to your loved one every day if they’re stationed in a high threat area. You’re reduced to sporadic calls and “I miss you texts” and occasional letters perhaps. BUT when they do get a free moment or the ability to call, they not only do it, but they want to. They want to hear your voice and catch up, etc.

 

That to me is how I measure effort. When he DOES get a chance is he going to want to get in touch with me or is he going to backburner me.

 

I’ve been in both boats-one where when given the option of leave they wanted to come home and to get to see me as well and once when they chose to go someplace else and forgo the ability to see each other for another year.

 

I understand that line. I used to be that woman haha. I know I seem like her now, but I went into this just to have fun. It wasn’t until he started bringing up “I’m coming back here, when I’m back let’s do xyz, come visit while I’m away, etc etc” and altogether was doing everything right in the relationship book that I was like “what? This really has an actual legitimate chance??”

[katrina1980]

Just want to clarify - it wasn't that I did not care that my bf "may" still have an active profile (not searching around), it just was not an issue due to the strong connection we shared.

 

I finally addressed at around 2.5 months and he said he had hidden it awhile ago and that he considered us exclusive from almost day one.

 

After that, we simply allowed our RL to progess naturally and organically.

 

If, after that conversation, I discovered he had not hidden it, updated his location, that would have been an issue for me.

[katrina1980]

 

I did tell him I saw him on one two weeks ago when I started this thread. I admit I lied and said I logged in to show my friend a pic of him as we have no pics together and I saw that he updated his location to where he will be next month (hour away from where we are now).

 

He feigned stupidity and said something like “but you have to put that location in yourself” and I was like “yeah I know, no judgement or pressure just kind of hurt a bit to be honest” and he swore he’d look into it. At the time the overarching convo was “let’s make this official”.

 

The app that I CAN check his distance on (the one I initially posted here about) he did hide after that night. So I can only assume he’s not using the one I called him out on either.

 

So you noticed he updated his app location to where he will be next month and he feigned stupidity.

 

Yeah, I'm out. I can't.

[reinventmyself]

I did tell him I saw him on one two weeks ago when I started this thread. I admit I lied and said I logged in to show my friend a pic of him as we have no pics together and I saw that he updated his location to where he will be next month (hour away from where we are now). He feigned stupidity and said something like “but you have to put that location in yourself” and I was like “yeah I know, no judgement or pressure just kind of hurt a bit to be honest” and he swore he’d look into it. At the time the overarching convo was “let’s make this official”.

 

The app that I CAN check his distance on (the one I initially posted here about) he did hide after that night. So I can only assume he’s not using the one I called him out on either.

 

Having read this exactly how it played out, this would have been the moment I walked. It's partly because of the agreement I thought we had but mostly because he was being shady with his explanations.

[akrngrl]

Having read this exactly how it played out, this would have been the moment I walked. It's partly because of the agreement I thought we had but mostly because he was being shady with his explanations.

 

Valid point. I suppose that’s what prompted me to post here and I figured I could bypass actually having to say “I saw you on the site” by seeing what his answer to just deleting them altogether and being official was. Then it morphed into this whole I’m scared to be a disappointment and not be able to give someone what they need while I’m away, etc and I guess I switched gears from “you’re looking for other women” to “This has everything to do with him and nothing to do with me or any other woman.”

[figureitout23]

Oh wow, is that what this is? (Not sarcasm).

 

If so, I am utterly confused and must have misinterpreted most of this thread -- especially him still needing to figure stuff out, and lying about the app.

 

My bad akr, apologies.

 

Nope you’re not misinterpreting, reinvent is. she’s been elusive herself but if you go back to the very first post she asked him and he gave her an excuse about ex girlfriends and gummy bears never ONCE did he say he was open to anything. When she asked it was double talk to soothe her and then when she asked again he upped his double talk and stated he would ‘give it serious thought’ that was at least a week ago. He has not given her the basic respect of telling her his intentions. That’s not to say he’s a bad guy or that he has Ill intentions. But it’s odd that he can’t give her a yes I’m open to seeing where this leads.

 

ETA - sorry I see it’s all been clarified. Carry on .

[bluecastle]

Ahhh.

 

So, basically, there were two explanations: 1. He was putting feelers out in the new location after saying he was off the apps. 2. He'd set the app to that location before the off-the-apps discussion, and his "feigned stupidity" was his way of hemming and hawing to soften your disappointment—a time honored tactic, particularly among my gender, that of course only magnifies disappointment.

 

Because shade is shade: hard to see clearly in the dark.

 

And rather than push him to be less shady—or, well, to just walk to a less shady place—you kind of pushed to get past the shade by pushing for even greater commitment/definition, or at least that's what he sensed. And so began his generalized sputtering about his fears of disappointing you/someone because of his lifestyle.

 

Ugh.

 

See what really happened there? He was not actually expressing theoretical fears or revealing complex demons. Sure, maybe those existed in earnest, but he missed the window to express them in a direct manner.

 

He had already disappointed you, by not being straightforward, and he knew it. His shade caught up with him, but rather than backtrack and risk dissapointing you he became even less straightforward, more shady.

 

Not cool. No uncommon, but not cool.

 

And of course there is now the irony that the most disappointing thing about this guy is what he does to avoid disappointing a woman. That's character stuff—the dark matter, not merely circumstantial matter.

[akrngrl]

Nope you’re not misinterpreting, reinvent is. she’s been elusive herself but if you go back to the very first post she asked him and he gave her an excuse about ex girlfriends and gummy bears never ONCE did he say he was open to anything. When she asked it was double talk to soothe her and then when she asked again he upped his double talk and stated he would ‘give it serious thought’ that was at least a week ago. He has not given her the basic respect of telling her his intentions. That’s not to say he’s a bad guy or that he has Ill intentions. But it’s odd that he can’t give her a yes I’m open to seeing where this leads.

 

ETA - sorry I see it’s all been clarified. Carry on .

 

At the risk of beating a dead freaking horse I’ll probably just be upfront next weekend and ask what the deal is moving forward in the near future (with him being an hour away the next month and then moving states for the 2-3 months until he’s back by me in the summer). Really I just want to know what’s up during that time-are we seeing others? Are we not? Do I have to put effort into plans to visit?

 

If he can’t at the very least answer that, then I’ll just let this go. I’m not going to sit on pins and needles for four months hedging my bets and wondering what he’s doing. (My anger and annoyance is coming back can we tell? Haha).

 

If we’re seeing other people or putting this on ice while he’s away I likely won’t want to pick it up when he gets back. I’m not a “hit me up when you’re in my area” kinda gal.

[Batya33]

I dated a guy for about 8 months. I spent every weekend with him. I traveled with him. I met his parents and siblings. I spent time with him and his friends. He came to my family's holiday get togethers. We held hands.

 

After 8 months of this I asked him the "are we in a committed relationship? " question.

 

He said he liked me. Yep, he liked me.

 

His disclaimer was that we had never defined the relationship or had the "we are boyfriend and girlfriend" talk.

 

If I hadn't mentioned the part about the conversation we'd had, you all would probably have presumed I was talking about my boyfriend. But nope, he liked me.

 

So, it's not always a good idea to presume by a man's actions that you and he are an exclusive, defined couple.

 

Yes. It's not high school and not meaningless especially if you're sexually active and risking pregnancy and STDs. It represents what your understanding is, intentions are, feelings are - just like the word "date" means something different than using the words "hey wanna hang out Saturday" or "want to go for a run?" - that way people who don't yet know each other very well or have never dated together know what the other person is referring to when he/she says "it's a date" or "you're my girlfriend/partner/significant other". The words do matter in that case. It's not about the "label"

[akrngrl]

Ahhh.

 

So, basically, there were two explanations: 1. He was putting feelers out in the new location after saying he was off the apps. 2. He'd set the app to that location before the off-the-apps discussion, and his "feigned stupidity" was his way of hemming and hawing to soften your disappointment—a time honored tactic, particularly among my gender, that of course only magnifies disappointment.

 

Because shade is shade: hard to see clearly in the dark.

 

And rather than push him to be less shady—or, well, to just walk to a less shady place—you kind of pushed to get past the shade by pushing for even greater commitment/definition, or at least that's what he sensed. And so began his generalized sputtering about his fears of disappointing you/someone because of his lifestyle.

 

Ugh.

 

See what really happened there? He was not actually expressing theoretical fears or revealing complex demons. Sure, maybe those existed in earnest, but he missed the window to express them in a direct manner.

 

He had already disappointed you, by not being straightforward, and he knew it. His shade caught up with him, but rather than backtrack and risk dissapointing you he became even less straightforward, more shady.

 

Not cool. No uncommon, but not cool.

 

And of course there is now the irony that the most disappointing thing about this guy is what he does to avoid disappointing a woman. That's character stuff—the dark matter, not merely circumstantial matter.

 

I was just about to edit to say the reason I didn’t have a right to balk at the location set dating app is because I didnt know when exactly he set it. Being it doesn’t give updates I’d deleted it when we said we’d hide them. I redownloaded it the day after I started this thread and logged in and was like “well well well, what do we have here?”

 

Again, I knew if I centered the talk around the app he’d just lie so I made the talk about deleting the apps and then after he dragged his feet with I need to think I casually dropped the welllll I saw you updated your location. Realistically I would have expected him to say oh I did that before we agreed-even if it was a lie. Heck I’d have said that if I got caught in it haha.

 

Every time I brought up the dating apps in the convos we had after/what we should do with them he was like I’m literally never on them looking, you’re the only person I’ve met since I’ve been here and the only one I plan on meeting. Did my whole “good, but not good enough speech” not emotionally but more factually. He got all teary and was like “it kills me that you think that because that’s not it at all, I just don’t know if I can invest in being emotionally vulnerable. I want to be and this doesn’t mean I can’t get there I just need to work through some stuff”.

 

Meanwhile though he’s setting up dates, being consistent despite the lack of sex, wanting to know and be included in my struggles (my pet dying).

 

I can’t imagine he would hang on at this point for any other reason than he genuinely likes me. He’s not getting enough from me to make this worth it to him in my eyes. Not that he was all about sex, but I can’t imagine tabling that and having someone genuinely keep showing up. Mixed signals make my head spin.

[katrina1980]

I have no doubt he likes you akr, no one was suggesting otherwise.

 

He's just shady and this thing about him feigning stupidity re updating his app location to where he will be a MONTH from now is certainly indicative of that, surely you realize this.

 

Now if you're okay with shady, that's fine, own it.

 

And this bit:

 

He got all teary and was like “it kills me that you think that because that’s not it at all, I just don’t know if I can invest in being emotionally vulnerable. I want to be and this doesn’t mean I can’t get there I just need to work through some stuff”.

 

This is a classic avoidance technique, to avoid having to address the real issue -- that he wants to continue the status quo, not agreeing to exclusivity, and keeping his options open.

 

NOTHING at all wrong with that, what's wrong is that he's not owning it, and being disingenuous about it.

 

I'm not saying men opening up about being vulnerable isn't real or genuine, it IS, but in this particular case, given the totality of everything that's gone down, I think he's got serious commitment issues, and I think Bat said this but if your goal is a long term committed RL, he is NOT the guy for you.

 

Lastly, you said because he deleted the one app you found him on, you assumed he must have deleted the other one, the one wherein he updated his location to where he will be next month.

 

Frankly, I don't think you can assume any such thing, and by doing so you are also avoiding.

 

But for some reason, you're not yet ready to pull the plug, so you continue to tell yourself stories that will justify your staying.

 

Not judging, I've been there, but learned.

 

Again, wish you the best.

[akrngrl]

I have no doubt he likes you akr, no one was suggesting otherwise.

 

He's just shady and this thing about him feigning stupidity re updating his app location to where he will be a MONTH from now is certainly indicative of that, surely you realize this.

 

Now if you're okay with shady, that's fine, own it.

 

And this bit:

 

He got all teary and was like “it kills me that you think that because that’s not it at all, I just don’t know if I can invest in being emotionally vulnerable. I want to be and this doesn’t mean I can’t get there I just need to work through some stuff”.

 

This is a classic avoidance technique, to avoid having to address the real issue -- that he wants to continue the status quo, not agreeing to exclusivity, and keeping his options open.

 

I'm not saying men opening up about being vulnerable isn't real or genuine, it IS, but in this particular case, given the totality of everything that's gone down, I think he's got serious commitment issues, and I think Bat said this but if your goal is a long term committed RL, he is NOT the guy for you.

 

Oh that was the whole reason this came about haha. Someone said the gps can update so I was all set to just let it go and then I checked that and was like “oh heck no”

 

He said he’s only met me and isn’t looking so I interpreted that as us being exclusive on top of agreeing early last month to be sexually exclusive. He’s going away this weekend so I hate to creep, but I’ll see if he changes his location. If yes, I have my answer.

 

I guess I struggle with the whole “he likes me” bit of all this is true because, for better or for worse my default is black and white. I find it hard to believe anyone would like someone to the extent he shows (getting involved in personal things) and yet pull this kind of sh*t. My mind goes to some prettyyyyy dark places and even I couldn’t fathom that. If I’m not really into someone I’m not diving into their life and offering to be there for them.

 

I know others mentioned not to be pushy, but I’m kind of rapidly approaching “hey we jumping on other people when we’re apart or are you mine?” and if it scares him off so be it lol.

[katrina1980]

Just one more thing.

 

Perhaps I was hasty in saying he was being disingenuous.

 

To the contrary, by admitting he is fearful of being "emotionally vulnerable" complete with the tears and all that, he's just provided you with some very powerful info, as the fear of being emotionally vulnerable is precisely where the fear of commitment stems from, or one the reasons.

 

Again, if long term committed RL is your goal, please heed this very powerful warning he just gave you.

 

Just more to think about.

[bluecastle]

Allow me to a stab at slowing those head spins.

 

He does genuinely like you, and he is probably genuinely not cruising the apps for side pieces. I'd say he probably updated that app before the talk. That's all good, or good-ish, news.

 

The not so good news: dude really struggles to be straightforward. He's slippery and shady. He can't give you simple facts, at least when he suspects you won't like the facts, and so he dresses them up in ways designed to soothe—like highlighting how he's "never looking" on the apps rather than acknowledging, simply, that he is on the apps. And then, like Katrina said, when he can tell that soothing came up short he goes big picture with how hard it is for him that you're not soothed.

 

And, with respect, you're a little slippery too. After all, you approached this conversation sideways, based on an assumption that he would lie if you were direct—an assumption triggered, perhaps, because you already had a read on his shade, or because of your own shyt. Doesn't really matter. Point is, you looked to extract the truth through a side door, and what did you get? More sideways shyt.

 

And now there's just a lot of shade, you know? That's why your head is spinning. Hard to enjoy the sun when it gets blocked out by all these little umbrellas.

[akrngrl]

Just one more thing.

 

Perhaps I was hasty in saying he was being disingenuous.

 

To the contrary, by admitting he is fearful of being "emotionally vulnerable" complete with the tears and all that, he's just provided you with some very powerful info, as the fear of being emotionally vulnerable is precisely where the fear of commitment stems from, or one the reasons.

 

Just more to think about.

 

A good point and perhaps maybe you can explain it better to me as a whole because you have fantastic insight.

 

It seems to me as though immediately the “gf/official” label is what he’s saying he’s scared of because of being emotionally vulnerable and basically affected by my moods. Do some people REALLY have that switch? Like doesn’t that grow as you get to know a person whether you’re in a relationship or not? He makes it sound like “oh gf? BOOM immediately affected by her emotions”. He’s been super sensitive this entire time with my pet and as I’ve mentioned once he got seemingly pretty upset because he thought I was mad at him.

 

I don’t know, I’m clearly not fantastic with emotions I’m not about to throw stones but I’m kind of like “that’s a freaking cop out-if you like me and care about me you’re going to be affected by how I feel no matter if you call me your gf or not”

 

As I mentioned he hasn’t shared any DEEP feelings about him though so maybe there is something to that. I figured guys tend to back away from the woman’s issues when they don’t want anything “too deep”, but he’s been right there wanting to be in it this whole time.

[bluecastle]

He’s going away this weekend so I hate to creep, but I’ll see if he changes his location. If yes, I have my answer.

 

NO!

 

Once again, for emphasis: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

(Yeah, I'm drifting into butt kicking mode myself.)

 

Don't try to trap shade with shade. You wonder why your mind goes into some dark places—well, it seems you like to lead it there.

 

You're an adult. Do you want to be an adult who is finding "answers" this way? By spending a weekend on pins and needles hitting refresh on a black screen? I don't think you do. The mode of extraction is so shady that it doesn't actually matter if his location updates or not; you've already lost by giving into the shade and anxiety.

[akrngrl]

NO!

 

Once again, for emphasis: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

(Yeah, I'm drifting into butt kicking mode myself.)

 

Don't try to trap shade with shade. You wonder why your mind goes into some dark places—well, it seems you like to lead it there.

 

You're an adult. Do you want to be an adult who is finding "answers" this way? By spending a weekend on pins and needles hitting refresh on a black screen? I don't think you do. The mode of extraction is so shady that it doesn't actually matter if his location updates or not; you've already lost by giving into the shade and anxiety.

 

Well when you put it that way, consider my butt kicked haha.

 

Just stick with my convo next week then? Where’s this at when you leave for an hour away and next month when you leave the state until you’re back here?

 

I don’t want to match shade with shade, you’re right. I want to ask a question like an adult and receive a respectable adult answer. I have to work on taking those non respectable answers (the hemming and hawing) and be able to say “that’s not what I wanted/asked for, but very well. good luck and goodbye”

[katrina1980]

Just my experience, but people (both men and women) who have commitment issues can be incredibly warm and sensitive, more than the average person even sometimes.

 

My brother struggles with these fears and he is one of the most sensitive people I know, kind, caring, even with the women he's dating.

 

Although deep down (and he is aware of this now) his fears surrounding emotional vulnerability and commitment are so strong, that as soon as it appears the woman is wanting more from him, he goes into an almost panic-like state, scrambling around, tossing out mixed and double messages, totally confusing the woman, just like you are now.

 

He genuinely likes her and doesn't want to lose her, but the thought of being vulnerable and committing override these feelings, hence the scrambling around, mixed and double messages etc.

 

If the woman buys into his BS, and chooses to wait around, his fears exacerbate and he will very suddenly bolt, creating an elaborate almost unbelievable excuse so that IF one day he changes his mind, she will still be there waiting.

 

Tears are also part of this equation, so it was interesting to read that he cried when expressing what he did.

 

Look, I don't think he's this super bad guy with ill intentions, he's just genuinely conflicted and no amount of waiting around or trying to be understanding will change this -- in fact it may exacerbate his fears!!

 

He also enjoys chaos on some level (which appears to be what's happening now) -- this way he has an excuse to leave without feeling guilty, so keep that in mind if you choose to proceed forward.

 

I think it's a total waste of time and energy to "talk" to him or clarify where you stand or anything else.

 

You have enough information now to realize he's just not a good prospect for long term, assuming that is what you want, which tbh despite your assertions to the contrary, I'm not even sure about anymore.

[reinventmyself]

Ahhh.

 

So, basically, there were two explanations: 1. He was putting feelers out in the new location after saying he was off the apps. 2. He'd set the app to that location before the off-the-apps discussion, and his "feigned stupidity" was his way of hemming and hawing to soften your disappointment—a time honored tactic, particularly among my gender, that of course only magnifies disappointment.

 

Because shade is shade: hard to see clearly in the dark.

 

And rather than push him to be less shady—or, well, to just walk to a less shady place—you kind of pushed to get past the shade by pushing for even greater commitment/definition, or at least that's what he sensed. And so began his generalized sputtering about his fears of disappointing you/someone because of his lifestyle.

 

Ugh.

 

See what really happened there? He was not actually expressing theoretical fears or revealing complex demons. Sure, maybe those existed in earnest, but he missed the window to express them in a direct manner.

 

He had already disappointed you, by not being straightforward, and he knew it. His shade caught up with him, but rather than backtrack and risk dissapointing you he became even less straightforward, more shady.

 

Not cool. No uncommon, but not cool.

 

And of course there is now the irony that the most disappointing thing about this guy is what he does to avoid disappointing a woman. That's character stuff—the dark matter, not merely circumstantial matter.

 

Add in his declaration of exclusivity came on heels of an update profile. It smacks more of damage control than it does a genuine mutual desire.

[bluecastle]

Add in his declaration of exclusivity came on heels of an update profile. It smacks more of damage control than it does a genuine mutual desire.

 

Boom.

 

And, really, I think the problem here is that now everyone is in damage control mode. It is seriously hard to reverse that momentum, especially in a new relationship.

 

I went through my own version of this a few months ago, AK, as documented in some exhausting threads of my own. What had been warm and fun and spicy and so shockingly awesome that my notoriously stubborn Teammate Radar started flickering just got...well, weird and heady and fraught and SHADY.

 

Won't retread, but suffice to say that what became clear to me, once it was over and I had some space to cool down and process, was that we went into a nose dive because the exclusive talk came from a disingenuous place on both our sides. It was anxiety-driven. It was damage control. It was, in a way, more shade to sweep away shade.

 

Didn't feel authentic, to either of us—for different reasons, sure, but inauthentic is inauthentic. The center couldn't hold.

 

Which brings me back to butt-kicking. You can't control him, whether he is going to spend this weekend swiping or not. You can control you, whether you want to confront that it a shady way or not. "Creeping"—i.e. choosing to do something you "hate" to do, which is to say something that will make you "hate" the situation you're in even more—is shade. Keeps the plane nosediving.

 

So, sure, you can wait until next week to have an adult conversation. Or, hell, you can have one right now. You are under no obligation to feel tortured over the weekend. If you can't spend the weekend getting lost in possible bathroom tiles and allowing all this to just breathe, then you can talk to him before. Whether it's 2 months or 20 years, you should not be scared to talk to someone, just like whether your 12 or 52 you should not be relying on mobile apps to gauge someone's feelings and intentions.