My journey moving forward

[ahd15]

I’ll be 31 next month and I feel like 30 has been a game changer. I don’t know how it is for everyone but I’ve talked to some friends and they said 30 was definitely a curveball.

It feels like everything I’ve known for the past 23 years was a mirage. I came from another country, not knowing English, had a very hard time “fitting in” and no matter how long I tried, I kept trying. Perseverance some may call it. Problem was, that I wasn’t doing it for the real reason, which was connection, I was doing it for acceptance. Eventually I gave up and decided to take a different approach. Maybe if I change what people perceived of me, instead of what they knew about me, then maybe I’d find peace. This all happens subconsciously of course. I started buying objects. A nice watch, a lap top, a trip to Cancun, just so in my head, I can have a topic of conversation and be “better” than someone that has never been to Cancun.

That spiraled me in even more isolation as I had to pay for those things, which in reality, I was enjoying for the wrong reasons. I had friends, met wonderful women, and had connected with them on great levels. The problem was, I was still in the mindset of rejection. That at one point or another, I’ll fail. So I started looking for imperfections in my relationships. More importantly I started to look for imperfections in the people around me. So I never stopped building on my desire to be accepted and kept on isolating my self in the only thing I was successful at, work.

Now, I don’t know if my trauma point was when I first moved to the states, or if it was my dog being put down, or a car accident. Whatever it was doesn’t matter. I’m starting to focus on what does matter.

At one point or many, I became a good person. Just misguided. It could’ve been an ex girlfriend who I had a great week with, or the way my parents raised me, or a near death experience. Whatever it was, taught me the fundamentals of how to be good to myself and to other people. I just somehow lost it in the chance for acceptance.

I know that I need to focus on letting go of the fear of failure. How to be unafraid to live with pain. I’ll have pain, always, but it’s not going to be the drive to avoid pain, moving forward, but to embrace and grow from it. It’ll be a long road and I won’t please everyone or even myself sometimes. As long as I focus on being aware of this and live in the moment, I’ll be ok. I’m looking forward to the rest of my 30s!

 

My therapist told me I should start a journal. It’s a good idea. I can look at it whenever I lose focus and add to it as i move forward, to see my progress.

I felt like is should be a public journal since I’ve always been very closed off and writing it on paper at home would seem, to me, like im still isolating myself.

[ahd15]

I clicked on the Facebook app by mistake today. Out of habit. Clicked on my instagram app once to see if I still had the same amount of followers. It changes, I assume if you don’t follow a promotional page, so I checked if she was still following me. She was. Didnt click on her page. I have the numbers memorized. I’d be looking for any post, followers, or following numbers. I’d look for a change but I didn’t. It’s bigger than that.

I cried today but I’m ok. Returned a stray dog their owner, met up with a close friend, and reached out to another today.

She asked for space today. After three messages, what I though were sincere. Maybe they weren’t but it felt like it. I’ll never reach out to her again. Just like I’ll never hide my feelings again. I hope everyone finds their “balance” as she put it in her last message. She is right. She changed my life. Hard to forget her but I won’t try. She was meant for me. Doesn’t mean we were meant to be together. I’m learning.

[ahd15]

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Trying to talk my way out of making mistakes before I even consider making them. Practicing to practice.

Got me thinking about how I once felt about people that overdose. My thought process was, that if they can’t control their urge, it shouldn’t bother me. It didn’t. No one I knew ever died off of an overdose.

Now my mind state is completely different and I feel very sad. There was a reason why they couldn’t control their urges. While it’s not a physical disease they can cure with medication, it’s a mental struggle. Everyone has some sort of mental struggle whether they make it evident or not. Ego is a mental struggle. Some mental struggles are “good and bad.”

For example my ego that made me not care when I read about someone passing from drugs, is the same ego that kept me from falling in to drugs. Yet it is the same ego that prevented me from developing empathy. It’s the same ego that made me create my own habits that were not beneficial for my own well being.

I’m going to buy a motorcycle helmet and wear it. Not because it’s cool to be safe but because I want to be around a little longer. Learning.

[ahd15]

What a day. Stood up to my boss for the next week. Went out in a ride with a friend, and going on one tomorrow morning. Heard the word “balance” three times today. Once on Wednesday when she wished me happiness and balance. Everything seems ok in the midst of despair.

I drank some wine tonight. Got a little drunk. While I’m not a practicing believer, I call out to a higher being sometimes. Just in case it’s heard. I asked to see if my ex could come around again. I said not tomorrow but I wouldn’t care when as long as the timing is right. I started to say that I wouldn’t care if she had children, but I stopped suddenly. Don’t know why it just didn’t feel sincere. I had to think why I stopped. Did I not love her? Would I not be able to love someone else’s child? I want children of my own of course and I’d hope that I can have them with someone.

Tears in my eyes, I meant every word but I couldn’t finish that sentence and I wondered why.

I realized. If she had children, and came back around, that would mean that at one point she became unhappy and that’s a whole other level than what she had with me. I don’t want her to be unhappy at any point. That’s what I want. That’s why I couldn’t ask for that sincerely.

It feels like the seconds get longer and my life’s at an end. I’ve had great opportunities to be truly happy but let fear take control.

20+ years of memories and pain rolling in with this one break up. While I thought I had learned from my previous relationships/break ups, this one carries the weight of every connection I’ve ever lost but wanted.

Yet I’m optimistic.

[ahd15]

Yesterday I went on an 11 hour bike ride with a guy I met two weeks ago. I swear it was the best ride of my life. I appreciated the scenery, was open with him about what’s going on and didn’t feel even a slight discomfort on this motorcycle. Cheaper more simple and more enjoyable than any bike I’ve ever owned. I love riding. I just forgot that. I don’t know if it’s a sign that I’m making the right decisions in my head because I will never know but I finally feel in peace. Maybe for a few minutes, maybe for a day, and maybe I’ll feel the pain of not being able to share it with my ex, but now that I know how it feels not to live in the moment, I look forward to more times like those.

Today I sold my second bike. I’m down to one simple one. It was bitter sweet but it’s for the best. I won’t miss it. I missed too many moments connecting with friends and being a part of their stories. Subconsciously my mind was always elsewhere. I’ve talked to a few people and felt involved. My reactions were because I felt I was there instead of the generic acceptable reactions that I felt like I should give in order to feel engaged. Amazing feeling.

Met with my therapist today. Told her all this and I was going to mention that maybe, in my situation, weekly meetings were a little much for me. Not because they dont help but because I have friends now and I’m learning to connect. Before I could, she brought it up. She asked me if I feel like I still need counseling. I was actually surprised . I told her I would like to continue doing it but spread it to once a month for schedule and financial reasons above all.

I hope I keep this up. I hope that I won’t forget what it feels like to connect and open up. I also hope I don’t get carried away and become reckless, like enjoying my motorcycles power too much instead of living by the “rules” like I used to. I’m always going to wear a helmet. It’ll help increase my chances of moving forward like I am.