He ended it yesterday

[rubys]

I’ve been seeing a guy for around six weeks. At first I was very guarded. I was terrified of getting in to something after being badly hurt before in a previous long term relationship. I knew I was being stand-offish with him, but I couldn’t help it.

 

We went on a date on the weekend and I finally let my guard down. We had what I thought was a perfect night and following morning. We went for breakfast and just enjoyed each other’s company.

 

I had a text a few days later saying he felt things were stagnating and not moving anywhere. We then had a phone call where he said he felt he just couldn’t get to know me and he’s having doubts that it’s right so wanted to end it.

 

To be honest, I’m really upset. I thought it really had potential. I’ve sent him a message today laying my cards on the table saying that I know I was stand off-ish but that I was real me on the weekend now I’ve opened up. I wanted to see where it went. I asked if I could pop over to chat.

 

He’s yet to reply (he will reply, he’s a decent guy) but I’m just driving myself mad. I feel like I’ve ruined it for myself and missed my chance. What do I do?

[Batya33]

You can help it. You are in control over how you treat someone. So if you felt like you just "had" to be stand offish then you could have chosen to cancel the date instead of subjecting him to that vibe and behavior. It's ok to be scared and you choose your reaction to being scared. For him it was too little too late. He's entitled to react that way -maybe he couldn't help it either. I wouldn't crowd him now - first you were standoffish and now you're crowding him so both are too extreme. Here is what I would do. If he gives you another chance, great and if not self-talk a whole lot next time before treating someone in a standoffish way. No need to be open or lay all your cards out with a new person but reacting to fear by acting "standoffish" isn't fair to the other person.

 

I'm sorry this seems not to be working out -I know 6 weeks is the beginning but veering towards more personal/serious.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like the chemistry just wasn't there.😟 Do not chase or ask to meet and beg, explain, plead etc.

 

Did you do this? Send him a message along these lines?

I asked if he wanted to catch up on Sunday and he said he wasn’t very well, so wanted a quiet night, so I’ve asked again about tonight and he’s not responded. If he says he’s busy tonight, how do I react to show I’m not cool with him not replying to me - and that if that’s what he’s looking for then I’m not the right one

[bluecastle]

I'm sorry to hear you're in some pain.

 

I think you've done what you can do, and the important thing is to respect yourself and be compassionate with yourself. People open up in different ways, on different timelines, and no adult comes into a new thing with a clean slate. New feelings trigger old fears, old fears can trigger standoffish behavior. We put in the self-work to manage all this, but we can never quite know how it all will go once the variable of another person is involved. Behavior that makes one person uncomfortable makes another comfortable—it's kind of in that when you know you've got something sustainable.

 

You haven't ruined anything, or missed any chance. The beginning is always fragile, always fraught.You were you, he was him, and the level of friction couldn't quite be eclipsed by the level of excitement. Your comfort zone was his discomfort zone.

 

Maybe he comes around. If so, great. If not, use this moment to explore yourself a little deeper, to untangle some of the knots that are getting in the way of the connection you're seeking. Sometimes our "comfort zones" aren't so comfortable, and it takes moments like this to realize that, and do some tweaking.

[DanZee]

Well, a lot of guys run after having sex with a woman. Commitment issues probably. The thrill of the chase. Don't knock yourself out about it. Unfortunately some guys are dogs. You've got to find a nice one.

[Batya33]

Well, a lot of guys run after having sex with a woman. Commitment issues probably. The thrill of the chase. Don't knock yourself out about it. Unfortunately some guys are dogs. You've got to find a nice one.

 

I don't agree and I think after 6 weeks whether or not sex is involved he should be in touch with her in some way. And if he gets in touch and ends things it doesn't mean that he presumably has commitment issues.

[katrina1980]

I don't agree and I think after 6 weeks whether or not sex is involved he should be in touch with her in some way. And if he gets in touch and ends things it doesn't mean that he presumably has commitment issues.

 

He did get in touch B (text and phone call) and properly ended it, so I give him credit for that. Who knows why, it could be anything, commitment issues are just one possibility.

 

I posted yesterday how some guys will end things after first time sex (not immediately but a short time after as in OP's case), not because they were only looking for sex, but because of the woman's behavior after the sex.

 

Needy, clingy, going off on the guy because he needs a day or two to regroup, decide where he wants things to go. Which is not uncommon especially when sex happens early, before exclusivity or a RL has been established.

 

I've had several men tell me this, my brothers and the men in my support group last year.

 

The OP posted the other day how her now-ex hadn't contacted her (within her particular timeframe) and she wanted to let him know that was unacceptable to her.

 

I am curious to know if she did that, because if she did that may have been the nail in the coffin imo.

[reinventmyself]

We all have those experiences. People we connect with and those we don't.

 

Have you ever met someone and the conversation was effortless, like you've known each other for years?

Only to have the following experience feel strained and challenging to even converse.

Consider it normal.

 

In the meantime work on your level of trust. Withholding will only get you the same result every time.

Learn to trust yourself. Trust that you are capable of using good judgment and knowing you have what it takes to walk away and that you'll be alright.

[katrina1980]

I’ve been seeing a guy for around six weeks. At first I was very guarded. I was terrified of getting in to something after being badly hurt before in a previous long term relationship. I knew I was being stand-offish with him, but I couldn’t help it.

 

We went on a date on the weekend and I finally let my guard down. We had what I thought was a perfect night and following morning. We went for breakfast and just enjoyed each other’s company.

I had a text a few days later saying he felt things were stagnating and not moving anywhere. We then had a phone call where he said he felt he just couldn’t get to know me and he’s having doubts that it’s right so wanted to end it.

 

 

rubys, re the bolded, referring to your previous thread, was it during that weekend you had first time sex?

 

And then the following week, he had not contacted you in a couple of days and you were upset and were going to tell him so?

[Batya33]

He did get in touch B (text and phone call) and properly ended it, so I give him credit for that. Who knows why, it could be anything, commitment issues are just one possibility.

 

I posted yesterday how some guys will end things after first time sex (not immediately but a short time after as in OP's case), not because they were only looking for sex, but because of the woman's behavior after the sex.

 

Needy, clingy, going off on the guy because he needs a day or two to regroup, decide where he wants things to go. Which is not uncommon especially when sex happens early, before exclusivity or a RL has been established.

 

I've had several men tell me this, my brothers and the men in my support group last year.

 

The OP posted the other day how her now-ex hadn't contacted her (within her particular timeframe) and she wanted to let him know that was unacceptable to her.

 

I am curious to know if she did that, because if she did that may have been the nail in the coffin imo.

 

Oh! I misread and got derailed responding to the post. Yes, he did respond and yes he did explain. I really must have been thinking of another thread(and I'm also the person who lost track of a boiling pot with eggs in it today -luckily nothing more than two discarded overcooked eggs) - yes, he responded, yes he was perfectly open and honest with her and yes I understand why he felt that way.

[LootieTootie]

I think I saw your post (yesterday?) and you were having doubts after he had minimized his communication after sex.

Overall I picked up insecurities on your end. I can see a guy using that against you to phase out from your life, which sucks because you let your hair down finally and became vulnerable.

 

This is what I can tell you... You are insecure - in general. You may need to step back and work on yourself. Self-confidence and self-worth would help you grow and let yourself open easily to others without fear of retaliation or aversion. It also would make you less emotionally inclined to overanalyze why and what and how much "this guy cares" and not trigger any unnecessary emotional responses. I know you both have been dating for 6 weeks but in my opinion, you shouldn't be fully emotionally invested in someone if you both are not fully committed to each other.

 

Also don't beat yourself up. We all have had similar experiences. The experiences just makes you stronger... of course if you actually learn from them

[Batya33]

I don't think someone not wanting to tolerate standoffish behavior for that long is "using it against" her just because she finally decided to open up (and likely went too far the other way) - insecurity can be a big turn off depending on the extent and how it presents. I dated someone who behaved in an insecure way for the first 3 weeks -it was really annoying and off putting. He then said he wanted to change. He did for maybe a week. Then back to the same annoying/kind of manipulative behavior. It was too bad because he is a good person just wasn't right for me for the long term. I didn't use his insecurities "against" him.

[SherrySher]

It happens, sometimes we just don't connect like we had hoped we would. Or one side feels something and the other one doesn't.

 

There's no forcing it or trying to convince the other person. Best you can do is wish them well and move on.

 

I know it doesn't make it any easier and it feels bad. Dating can be frustrating. I sincerely hope it goes better next time around.