Getting over your lover

[confused11]

There's so much advice out there on how to get over your spouses affair but there seems to be very little on how to get over your lover. I am married and had an affair with a married man. Realizing that nothing good would ever come out of it and neither of us being willng to risk losing our familes, we broke it off. Our emotions for one another ran very deep. We allowed ourselves to keep a distance until our heads cleared. We both realize that we can not ever go back down that road again but there is a friendship that remains. We will occasionaly speak on the phone and just catch up. There sometimes seem to be things that are not being said and neither of us are willing to discuss them. The friendship that remains is one that is genuinely caring and important to us both, but for all practical purposes is tarnished. It's very hard to just walk away from someone that you can truly confide in and who actually listens and cares even about the little things.

 

Advice?

[ryan14]

its because both of you are still emotionally attached, if you keep talking to each other the strong feelings that both of you have will remain, and definitely both of you won't be able to get over towards each other, again in the long run your families will be affected, i'd say cut the contact, learn to appreciate the things that you have with you husband, sometimes we really tend to look for something that is lacking.

[Beec]

Advie is one thing I know I don't have, other than take some solace in the idea that time heals all wounds.

 

You don't say, but it seems like you are also married. If not, finding an available man might help, but that's easier said than done.

 

You've made the right choice. And I don't know what else to tell you.

[sisterlynch]

I am happy that you have shared your story. When we love the wrong person it is never easy to let go of the feelings that you had for the other person. It sounds almost like you are resisting loving your husband completely since the other guy is still in the picture. I don't know if I am reading that right or not.

 

I wish you the best in the future. The hurt will go away eventually. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and dont resist them. They are there for a reason.

[lady00]

Generally, the advice I would give would be to give up the friendship for a while, at least until you're over each other...generally speaking you need to take time off from an ex until you're over them before you can be friends. In this case, since you're both married, I don't really think it's appropriate for you to be friends...I mean, how do you think this would make your spouses feel if they knew you had an affair and still talked to each other? (I'm assuming they don't know about it). It isn't really fair...if you're trying to focus on making your marriage work, why keep in touch with the other man? How would you feel if the situation were reversed? But if you must keep the friendship, then at least take time off from the friendship until you're over him.

[confused11]

SisterLynch

 

I don't feel like I'm avoiding loving my husband completely because of the other person. In fact, I'd say my feelings toward my husband were actually stronger during the affair. Now, like before the affair, my marriage has returned to "normal". Good, strong and the same. I wished my friend and I had not crossed that line and simply maintained the friendship throughout, thereby leaving it untarnished. Our spouses were always aware of our friendship. When we speak now, which is maybe every other week, we can pretend that it never happened. But like I said, there's still an underlying awareness so to speak that we did cross the line. And without discussing it you're never really sure of what the other may be thinking. I'm banking that time will be my best medicine. Just wish there was more info out there, ya know?

[sisterlynch]

What kind of info are you looking for?

[lady00]

The reason there isn't much info out there on getting over your lover after you cheat on your spouse is because no one has much sympathy for that. People are more concerned about the person that has been cheated on, not the cheater.

[sisterlynch]

Go to a therapist, they are paid to be simpathetic.

 

Besides, if the marriage is really good, strong and the "same" then you need to do the work to make it more reasonable.

 

This is your life, not mine.

[Usedup]

I know how you feel. Yes, I agree there is not much information out there on getting over a boo-boo relationship as I like to call them. This sort of thing takes on a life of its own when you really were not supposed to "go there" in the first place. I hurt every day because I was cut off once his wife caught him with someone else. I was shocked as he had told me he had never done anything like that before. He told me that I was special, beautiful, worth getting up for every day, and that he was not in love with his wife but could not leave. I was in such a state of "stay at home mom" and absent husband due to work hours for the last 10 years, that I believed the lies and the terrible life that I had to live out to protect them. After this guy cut me off the very next day after I agreed to go all the way, I wanted to die because I realized I had been played and I have never done anything like that before in my life. I made a mistake but he planned this and hurt me terribly. Even after that, I miss our talks and friendship. He never contacts me and I have stopped trying to contact him. I felt emotionally raped and I was. Other than that, I know what you are feeling but be glad in knowing that what you did was wrong, but the decisions you make after your mistake marks what sort of person you are, not your mistake itself, but what you do about it now...let it go. Let him go. It can never be and since it was for a moment, it can never be a friendship but only a tool that pulls you away from the person that stood with you before God and promised to love your forever. Try to go back to that person and feeling, just a little bit each day, replace the memory of your friend with one from your husband's time with you. Dig deep, hunker down, and be strong. Force yourself to focus on the needs of your husband. Don't close your eyes during sex, either. That's a mistake. Make your mind look at who is with you durng that time and not wander to someone else. Retrain your thoughts and ask God to bring the love and desire back in your marriage. It works, I know it does because it is working for me every day. Best of luck to you, write me any time.

[its_just_me1607307236]

Usedup,

 

That is the BEST advice I have ever heard!!! Been there, done that!! Easy to say, hard to do, but once you recommit yourself it all starts to fall into place!!!