Online dating burn out

[katrina1980]

Thanks frustrated. I did little OLD actually, most of the men I dated in recent years I met in real life, but no matter, it's all essentially the same as many of the men I met in real life were also on line, even though we didn't meet that way.

 

Anyway, what was hard for me was meeting men who shared my same mindset. Many had been dating for years, and experienced many disappointments and heartbreaks as well, and had the scars to show for it.

 

They would ask me what I was about, I would tell them, and many didn't believe me, they thought I was lying. Some even flat out accused me of lying, that I was playing some "game."

 

They had experienced so many flakey women, women jerking them around, women collecting "orbiters" (a term I only became familiar with a couple of years ago after my long term relationship ended) that they simply stopped trusting women.

 

That distrust led to GIGS (grass is greener syndrome), which is where we are today, in my opinion.

 

Hence the birth of PUA sites, and other so-called "dating gurus," who men listen to, watch their videos and unfortunately take as gospel, when imo most of it is garbage and leading men the wrong way. I mean some of it is okay, and maybe even beneficial in certain respects, but generally speaking, I think it's leading men down the wrong path.

 

Yeah it's really hard, and also really sad, because I think we are all genuinely good people, with good hearts, but with all the negativity we have experienced, have become too guarded, too jaded, too distrusting and it just snowballs, leading to even more negativity and distrust.

 

I am glad I was able to work through it, to rise above it. It's been quite a journey, but regret none of it, I learned so much! And I am still learning!

 

I did take a short break last summer after I was ghosted by a man I really liked, just to refresh, so I think reinvent's advice about taking a short reprieve from all of it is a good advice.

[Batya33]

I somewhat agree with you Batya but I have to disagree with your comparison of todays dating scene to that of the 90s. Sure there were always people looking for something better or grasses greener, but I doubt that it was ever this easy to meet and hook up with people. Dating apps have made it so convenient and easy for people to look for a partner, and in the end it has actually made it much harder because of the convenience. I'm sure there are people who actually want to settle down and meet someone, but unfortunately from my experience, they are the minority.

 

I dated on and off from 1979 to 2005. It was easy because you just went to a bar - (I sometimes did but not my preference - I did go out a lot but more to dance)and since there was no internet there was no point in staying home. And now you still have to meet the person in person even if it’s a sex arrangement you’re looking for. It is easier to chat to strangers on line and online porn makes it easier but it’s no easier if you want a relationship. And it’s no easier to walk way because not only do you have to go through online profiles you have to make a plan to meet - and it’s easier to flake on a stranger because back then you had to give out your landline phone number to stay in touch so there was less anonymity. I always gave out my number on the dating sites if I wanted to keep in touch after the first phone call because I didn’t have a cell phone and I believed in meeting in person quickly because I wanted marriage not a chat buddy.

 

Yes for people who aren’t commitment minded it’s much easier to fulfill that need for greener grass - you can browse on line and dream about the what if. But if you are commitment minded accessibility to a dating site doesn’t change that.

So as far as a work I would consider giving things a few dates to see if a spark develops as long as you like being around the person and find the person reasonably attractive.

 

If you have no desire to kiss the person by the fourth date then I personally would move on if I were you. I remember meeting a very happily married woman who didn’t feel the click or chemistry till later on and when she did- wow. I’m her case I believe they worked together so maybe it had to do with seeing him in a different light.

It’s hard work and can be stressful. And I think it’s totally worth it if you want marriage.

[katrina1980]

t a chat buddy.

 

So as far as a work I would consider giving things a few dates to see if a spark develops as long as you like being around the person and find the person reasonably attractive.

 

If you have no desire to kiss the person by the fourth date then I personally would move on if I were you.

 

B, just to clarify and perhaps this is obvious but re the bolded, you're talking about the men she's not attracted to/interested in upon first meet, correct? Versus pursue the men who are not interested, who feel only a "friend vibe" with her.

 

I never did (continue to date men I didn't feel that initial "spark" with), but I feel differently now. I have a friend in Canada who, upon first meet, was not at all attracted to her boyfriend, but after three dates (and after he kissed her) it suddenly switched and she became super attracted to him!

 

That was three years ago and they are still dating today! So good advice!

[itsallgrand]

It sounds like you could use a break to clear your head.

 

Are you doing much dating that isn't through online meets?

 

I found in my experience that there were ( and are ) many commitment minded men. There were some constants in how these men behaved, even with wildly differing personalities and backgrounds. It stands out like night and day from those who are goofing around or not really ready. I do not find it to be all that rare. Finding the right match for you, now that's the tricky part. It can take time.

[frustrated1]

It sounds like you could use a break to clear your head.

 

Are you doing much dating that isn't through online meets?

 

I found in my experience that there were ( and are ) many commitment minded men. There were some constants in how these men behaved, even with wildly differing personalities and backgrounds. It stands out like night and day from those who are goofing around or not really ready. I do not find it to be all that rare. Finding the right match for you, now that's the tricky part. It can take time.

 

To be honest I’m not really sure how to meet men outside of online dating. I don’t get approached often IRL. Occasional a guy at a bar will approach while wasted lol but that’s not really the kind of guy I’m looking for. I work with mostly females so.. not many ways for me to meet single men unfortunately other then online.

[katrina1980]

To be honest I’m not really sure how to meet men outside of online dating. I don’t get approached often IRL. Occasional a guy at a bar will approach while wasted lol but that’s not really the kind of guy I’m looking for. I work with mostly females so.. not many ways for me to meet single men unfortunately other then online.

 

Do you have meet ups in your area? That's how I met my last boyfriend (short term). Well actually I met him at a singles event, but I've met and dated other men from meet ups, not leading to a relationship.

 

I never had men approaching me either until I learned how to be, well "approachable." When you're out and about, most men don't have the courage to cold approach a pretty girl unless she's giving him some sort of signal. A bit of eye contact is good, then look away, look back, a slight smile.

 

Nothing to overt, contrived or obnoxious of course, be subtle. But you can't just stand there expecting a man to cold approach, not gonna happen. Or very VERY rarely.

 

Again, and I cannot stress this enough, but it's about your vibe, the energy you project..

 

It's hard to be objective about yourself, but maybe when you're out with a friend and there are men around, ask her how she thinks you're coming across.

 

Do you appear standoffish? I used to without intending to, it's a shyness. IF so, step out of your comfort zone, challenge yourself.

 

OLDing is a form of avoidance in my opinion, if it's *all* you're doing. You're avoiding interacting in the real world! Use it but not exclusively. Get out in the real word, again challenge yourself.

 

Meet ups, singles events in your area, volunteering, even just attending a local outdoor concert (by yourself), strike up a convo with the person next to you, if they're with a group, they will introduce you and if there are men around, who knows where that might lead.

 

TBH and no disrespect because I'm sure you're lovely, but you sound a bit complacent about the whole thing, which will never get you anywhere.

 

Like Batya said, it *does* take a bit of work and effort on your part, and steppng out of your comfort zone.

 

Anyway, I guess nuff said and I hope I didn't come off too "preachy." I have just learned so much these past 3 years since my LTR ended, I was thinking perhaps what I have learned might help you too!

[catfeeder]

I supposed I don't see a reason as to why someone would have to lie, since I do not. If I am not interested I don't like to give false hope since I know it can really hurt when follow up actions do not match up. This seems to be a theme in the online dating world. And I know a lot of it has to do with having so many options. Having so many options causes some people to think there is always something better just around the corner.

 

This is one way to identify a yellow flag. If someone starts future-speaking on a first or second date, it's NOT a cue to invest--it's a warning that he's not exactly appropriate. The whole point of dating is to get to KNOW someone, over t.i.m.e. Unless and until someone demo's that he's congruent with what he speaks, consider future speak as 'grooming' for sex or a way to keep you 'on deck' while dating others.

 

I also agree that I am feeling quite dejected and down after this last string of dead-end-dates, and I need to take some time out to regroup. Dating is not easy, and I feel as if I am forcing it at this point since I am a 28 year old single female, and societies expectation is that I should be married or having kids at this point. Just to clarify, I do want a relationship, but I don't feel like I should have to try so hard find someone.

 

Consider setting up quick coffee meets to check one another out rather than investing in full dates right off the bat. This avoids spending entire dates with anyone who you could tell in 5 minutes there's no chemistry. Rules are that neither can corner the other to set up a 'real' date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table. It allow you to set up a few quick meets after work each week, and if anyone no-shows, you can just take your coffee with you and nothing is lost.

 

Conserve your energy and don't invest in strangers. Screen people to find a GOOD match, and allow wrong matches to pass early.

 

Head high.

[Batya33]

B, just to clarify and perhaps this is obvious but re the bolded, you're talking about the men she's not attracted to/interested in upon first meet, correct? Versus pursue the men who are not interested, who feel only a "friend vibe" with her.

 

I never did (continue to date men I didn't feel that initial "spark" with), but I feel differently now. I have a friend in Canada who, upon first meet, was not at all attracted to her boyfriend, but after three dates (and after he kissed her) it suddenly switched and she became super attracted to him!

 

That was three years ago and they are still dating today! So good advice!

 

Oh I agree not to stay in touch "as friends" unless it's 100% mutual (and on rare occasions for me it has been and we have stayed in touch but it also was unusual circumstances -I've been in touch with one guy for 13 years).

 

Great about your friend!

[Batya33]

To be honest I’m not really sure how to meet men outside of online dating. I don’t get approached often IRL. Occasional a guy at a bar will approach while wasted lol but that’s not really the kind of guy I’m looking for. I work with mostly females so.. not many ways for me to meet single men unfortunately other then online.

 

Here is how I met men in real life:

 

Work and through work (meaning set ups but also getting invited to social events through work and meeting their friends)

Volunteering at a homeless shelter (never dated anyone through that but one guy wanted to date me and I had a small crush on another guy and I met their friends at social events)

Work (how I originally met my husband -we did not work together or in the same department at a large company)

Singles events, singles resorts (club med -I went alone, on purpose).

My apartment building (I thought a certain neighbor was cute, we chatted and then it turned out our neighbor who we both knew told me he had asked about me -so we went out a few times)

Blind dates- i told people I knew and thought had good judgment that I was single and looking. I also set many people up on dates and they returned the favor.

Religious organizations and their events.

I also was involved in a book club, a women's networking group, belonged to a gym back then, indirectly involved with a theater group -meeting people in general means you get to meet the men they know or introduce you to.

 

And that's just me.

[lostandhurt]

So if what you are doing is not working maybe changing it up a little might help. If you are on Bumble and it isn't working (as in not meeting the right guys) then how about trying match or Eharmony. I realize they are more involved and require more of an investment in your time and money but it could be the app you are using.

 

Like if your gf always complains that she only meets thugs when she is out but she only frequents clubs or bars where a lot of thugs hang out then what are her chances of meeting a different type of man?

 

It sounds like you get bites, now you just need to fine tune where you are fishing.

 

Lost

[Coolstorybro]

Hello all,

 

I’m in some desperate need of dating advice. I’m 28 years old, been single for about a year now. I’ve been trying to be positive about the online dating scene but I think I’ve finally admitted defeat. I am totally burnt out. Recently it seems I’m unable to get to a second date. Sometimes I don’t feel a connection, sometimes it’s obvious we both don’t, but it’s the third type of date that really crushes me and my ego.

Well you got a first date at least.

[Annia]

Because the only way to know for sure that a date goes well or a first meet is if he makes a time/place plan to see you again (or at least tells you -let's go out next weekend, I need to check on my schedule, I will call you tomorrow to confirm) -meaning, it can go really well as far as you have fun/click, etc but if you mean "go well" by "he wants to see me again" assume that if there is no time/place plan for another date, there is no other date. That is not to be negative -certainly some people decide a long time later they'd like to go out again for any number of reasons -I am talking about a realistic mindset for you so you can move along and meet more people and the reality is "if there is no plan for another date, time and place then all I know is there is no date. That can change but instead of "waiting" I will live my life and put him off the radar until or unless there are plans")

 

And if you want to ask him out and that is your thing, sure, do it! But the same idea- if he doesn't agree and agree to make an actual plan there is no next date.

 

I had a number of multiple hour coffee dates that went "really well" and no follow up. And I was ok with it because if I walked away and there was no plan for another date then there was no other date. Yes, I had at least a few experiences where they made a time/place plan and it never happened. Or the guy who GUSHED three times during our 45 minute coffee meet 'I'M GOING TO CALL YOU!!". He did. Three weeks later on a Friday night. Left a voicemail with no explanation as to the delay. No, I did not respond. I am also happy to PM with you if that would help. You can do this.

 

And no I don't think texting him about instagram shows interest in going on another date or in following up on his suggestion to see him again.

 

I totally agree with this. I had this happen to me multiple times until I realised that it wasn't rejection (I felt that way before too) because there we men with whom I'd have a great time too but then by one reason or another not related specifically to them I wouldn't be thinking too much about them or pushing for a 2nd date.

 

I intend to start dating again when I'm a bit more stable and I have some rules of thumb that are helpful and that are probably the same that Batya used back in the day:

 

- never assume a 2nd date is going to happen if concrete plans are not made (a "we should meet/do this activity someday" doesn't count as concrete plans)

 

- don't waste time on guys that want to have a relationship based on texting (too long to invite for a first date or too long texting without making plans for another day)

 

- don't waste time with guys that can't make concrete plans about anything and that are either "hypotetic" or always last minute

 

- show interest if you are interest and don't show interest if you're not. Of course that if a guy is obviously not interested don't persue him. But if you see he's on the same vibe show him your interest.

[Annia]

Thank you for this. And your whole post. I think you have touched on something that others in this thread have not, and that is the tendency for me to trust what people say, even when they are just a complete stranger. I supposed I don't see a reason as to why someone would have to lie, since I do not. If I am not interested I don't like to give false hope since I know it can really hurt when follow up actions do not match up. This seems to be a theme in the online dating world. And I know a lot of it has to do with having so many options. Having so many options causes some people to think there is always something better just around the corner.

 

I also agree that I am feeling quite dejected and down after this last string of dead-end-dates, and I need to take some time out to regroup. Dating is not easy, and I feel as if I am forcing it at this point since I am a 28 year old single female, and societies expectation is that I should be married or having kids at this point. Just to clarify, I do want a relationship, but I don't feel like I should have to try so hard find someone.

 

I'm around the same age group as you and all my friends and former colleagues are either getting married or married or engaged or in long term relationships and I have been perpetually single for ages (I've had some "short term relationships" but nothing that sticks). I too got burn out sometimes when I was putting myself out there on OD too. Sometimes it's better to take a pause and regroup.

 

But when you're actually going on dates you need to develop a thick skin.

Many dates won't stick to more than 1 or 2 dates despite going very well and it has nothing to do with your value, with them nor does it mean they are lying or pretending or something. Sometimes for some reason people don't click or click at a certain point but it doesn't stick/life get a in the way.

 

I've had guys who were very good looking, seemed very nice and interesting and were everything good on paper but by some reason the chemistry wasn't there. I'm sure many men have felt the same with me and with you. It's normal and it's part of dating. The first dates are just to test the waters and expectations and emotional investment should be managed carefully.