Saying I love you

[Maddyb12]

Hello all,

 

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I’ve been dating someone since the middle of April, initially I posted here unsure of what direction it was headed in but June he asked to be “official” so we’ve been officially dating for two-three months. Since April we’ve spent every weekend together aside from two when he was out of town. Initially we would spend one day/night together but since we became official we spend every Saturday-Monday morning with one another. We have a slight long distance relationship (1.5 hours) so we are only able to see each other reasonably during the weekends. I have no problem with this and feel like it’s kind of refreshing, I go to school and work full time so it’s nice to have my weeks focused on my priorities and spending weekends with him to relax.

 

 

Anyways. We haven’t gotten into any arguments, get along very well and most our days spent together are spent laughing and having a great time. We have a wonderful relationship, for me it’s the best relationship I think I’ve ever had and for him well I’m only his second real girlfriend. This is not due to him being a “player” he had a high school girlfriend who continued I think a year or two after graduation but since they broke up he focused on his career and only dated a few girls casually before me. In the beginning I had some issues regarding his communication but things have been much different in the last few months and this is no longer something that bothers me.

 

 

Overall I feel genuinely valued, cared for etc. I’ve met his family, his coworkers and his friends. This weekend we are going away on a trip with his family, and he gave me a key to his house a couple of weeks ago. I trust him completely and don’t ever question his faithfulness etc. All around he’s supportive and makes me feel incredibly special and actions make me feel loved but those words have not yet been said. For the last month or so I have felt that I have fallen in love with him and I find it hard sometimes not to blurt it out. I know that I am capable of saying it to him and I don’t necessarily have to wait for him to say it but I feel that if I say it first and I get rejected or the feelings aren’t reciprocated it might make me feel a little jaded and insecure. I’m wondering what everyone’s thoughts are here. Is it typical at this point in a relationship that he hasn’t said he loves me? Or is this an indication that maybe he’s not as serious about me as he seems? Lately it seems like there’s all these moments I catch him just looking at me or moments where I feel he’s about to tell me he loves me but it just never happens. I know that actions speak louder than words, and he is not lacking in that department. His actions continuously show me that he cares but it’s also important to me that our feelings are mutual. Do I bite the bullet and just tell him I love him or do I wait it out for him to say it first?

[Maddyb12]

Also we are in our mid 20’s if anyone is wondering

[MissCanuck]

You've only been a couple for 2 or 3 months, so yes, I would say it's completely normal that "I love you" hasn't been exchanged yet. It's still quite early and you are still getting to know each other as a couple.

 

The best love, in my experience, develops over time and I would prefer a partner to see me through a longer period before deciding they love me. It makes sense to wait a bit, to be sure that word is based on the true character of someone, and not just an impression of who we think they might be. For me, that takes longer than a couple months.

 

His actions are showing you that his feelings are mutual at this point. I would wait a bit to say it, personally, just to give myself more time to know it's the real deal.

[smJackson]

I am so happy for you! I also think you should wait just a little bit. I totally agree with MissCanuck!!

[Honeycomb8]

I think it's best to let thinga grow and wait at least 3 or 4 more months. Right now it's mostly still infatuation. Q

[katrina1980]

Hi Maddy, what I am about to say might sound hokey, but please hear me out. :)

 

Since you've been dating since mid-April, according to my calculations, that's 4.5 months, which imo is certainly plenty of time to know whether or not you've fallen in love, especially given the amount of time you've spent together, meeting family, friends, vacations, etc.

 

Re ILY, there is no timetable of when it's the right time to feel it or say it, it varies among couples..

 

What's concerning though is your insecurity and anxiety about whether or not he loves you, and your fear that if you say ILY, he is going to reject you? Where does that fear come from, are you somehow sensing something is off?

 

In a good healthy relationship, which from what you have described about yours is, feelings between both are developing and growing in tandem, which you can or should both be feeling from each other simultaneously. No guessing or wondering -- does he love me too? Will he reject me if I say it?

 

In my relationship, I knew I loved my bf very quickly, and I KNEW he loved me too! I never wondered about it, even when he would need a couple of days lone time, I didn't wonder.

 

I can't even pin-point how or why I knew; it wasn't anything he was doing or saying in particular, it was just our "energy" - we clicked, we jived, we "got" each other, we fit, we "knew."

 

I didn't need to actually say it, nor did I need for him to say it, we both "felt" it via our mutual energy, no words needed to be said.

 

During an intimate moment (not sex) we did both say it and it was a very sweet moment, we both actually teared up a little. It was a spontaneous moment, it certainly was not planned. Nor did I stress about it prior.

 

So, I think you should dig deep and explore why you feel so insecure and "scared" of saying it and possibly being rejected. Don't say it until you figure this out.

 

If there is a "right" time to say it, it's when you know you are both *feeling* it, you're not wondering about it, you're not fearful of being rejected, it's not being said with the concern or hope that he will say it back, it's being said because it's how you feel and you want to express that in words.

 

I hope that make sense!

[bluecastle]

I second what katrina says, as well as the others who suggest just waiting a bit and letting things continue to develop.

 

My personal sense with "I love you" is that the "blurting out" stage is still the infatuation stage. It's as much (if not more) an expression of loving how you feel around someone than it is loving that person, who is still fresh, mysterious, coming into focus. It's new, it's exciting, there are all these wild feelings flowing through you—it's so good, but almost too much! You love the feeling so much it triggers a fear that it might go away—the drug-like quality—so we sometimes reach for those three words to quell our anxieties, to give language to something that doesn't quite need language yet, to define the gloriously undefinable, to keep the withdrawals at bay.

 

I have no rules on when to say it, but looking back at my past loves I've waited six months to (gulp) a year. The words by then had entered my head many, many times—during moments of physical intimacy, calm domesticity, anxiousness. Heck, they'd probably surfaced in my mind within the first few weeks, though I see that as realizing I'm "falling" and that if things stay the course I will happily surrender to that fall.

 

But I believe in giving it all a bit of time until I know it's just a pure, genuine feeling rather than a mirage or something fleeting. So it's almost like I let the initial "I love you" waves come and go until they aren't waves but a sustained feeling that is connected to a sense of calm rather than urgency. Because then what I'm expressing is not simply loving how I feel, or being a touch freaked out by it all, but my partner's humanity—both what I feel I'm lucky enough to see in her, and also what I may never fully know but am lucky enough to be around and trusted with.

 

As katrina said, take a minute to explore your anxiety here. It's totally human, but it's not the job of another's love to solve. Throughout any relationship, long past the "I love you" exchange, there will be moments of insecurity, moments when you wonder if you're both on the same page, moments where feelings aren't perfectly reciprocated. If we can't handle that on our own—and love someone through them—there tends to be an expiration date and we look back on the love with a kind of bitterness for not being a solution.

 

Not sure if any of this helps, but it sounds like you're in a wonderful, wonderful place—enjoy it for a bit more, without needing to frame it in those words.

[Maddyb12]

All your responses help immensely! And put it into a better perspective. I’m not sure if it’s still the infatuation or genuinely being in love so that’s definitely good to explore before I blurt it out. My feelings of anxiety over it and it not being mutual is more that I don’t want to blurt it out and have himnnot feel the same way. His actions make me feel loved so I think I just need some time for those words to develop

[purplepaisley]

 

But I believe in giving it all a bit of time until I know it's just a pure, genuine feeling rather than a mirage or something fleeting. So it's almost like I let the initial "I love you" waves come and go until they aren't waves but a sustained feeling that is connected to a sense of calm rather than urgency.

 

 

I really like these words.

 

I'm going to say that you're still so new in this relationship, it's still a time of confusion between that happy, honeymoon phase and infatuation and true, genuine love. I could still call this a "toss up." I don't mean to discount your feelings or his, but having said the words too soon, and having had them said to me too soon, only to find it was an "oopsie," I think that waiting is not the worst thing in the world, just to make sure it's real. You can't unsay these words or "unring the bell." As stated above, when it's a calm rather than an urgency, and when it's felt without it having to be said (always nice to hear), you've probably genuinely hit that place.

 

You sound like you are in a really great relationship, and I wish the best for you and it's continued growth. You don't need to rush it. If this is meant to be, you will have many, many years together, and these past 4 months, as fun and sparkly as they are, are just a blip on the radar. Please be realistic that while you spend a great deal of time together, it's still very new, and you really haven't had that daily, "real life" interaction. Your weekends are play time, and daily life and daily stressors don't seem to have infiltrated yet, and it's these things that cause the "real you" or "real him" to come out. I mean, right now you both fart rainbows.

 

Enjoy the ride! :)