Musings While I Move On

[12Network]

We started dating in at the beginning of 2018. He wasn't ready for a serious relationship so I let it be more casual until it got to be too much. We would argue about it but in the end I would always think, it's still early in the relationship, too early to be exclusive. In March he went on a 4 week family trip to Europe and we decided to use that time to figure out if being together was actually what we wanted. I decided not to contact him at all during that time but he never went more than 3 days without calling or messaging me to check in and see how I was doing. He came back and told me he loved me and the space made him realize this was right.

 

We still fought occasionally, we both have issues from past relationships that were in conflict. But overall everything was going well. His birthday was at the end of last month and we went away the weekend. My birthday was the beginning of the this month and he planned this amazing day for me based on small things I'd said over the past months. Last week we went camping for 5 days I had a bit of anxiety and he reassured me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. He told me I was beautiful even when I was crying and he would be extremely upset if we broke up. He told me we made each other better people and being with me made him feel safe. We won a vacation to the Dominican Republic and were looking at going over Christmas. We have tickets to four concerts in the fall. On Saturday he brought up the idea of us moving in together.

 

On Sunday (one days after bringing up the idea of moving in together) we went to dinner together and half way through his mood just changed and he said he wanted to leave. We were on the way back to my place and he started talking about wanting to be alone. I asked if that included me and he said yes. I had no idea what he was talking about. He said he he wanted to be alone and he wanted to go home. I left him alone for the rest of the night.

 

On Monday we met up and I asked what he meant by wanting to be alone and he said he wanted to not be with anyone. I asked if that meant me too and he said anyone. I asked if he was saying he didn't want to date me or see me anymore and he said that's not what he was saying. I was so confused, I shouldn't have pushed him on it but he was being so vague. Eventually he said he didn't want to see me or date me anymore. He said if I wanted we could take a week and he could see how he's feeling but I said no, I'm not going to sit around waiting for him to decide if he wanted to be with me. He said he didn't then. I backtracked and asked him to take a couple days. I asked what happened between last week and now. I didn't understand. I asked if he still loved me and he said no. I tried to change his mind for the next hour but he said he wouldn't . He said he was sorry and I could just throw out his stuff rather than drop it off. And that was it.

 

I didn't message him at all on the next two days. On Thursday I messaged and asked how his day was going. I told him he was important to me and the idea of not talking to him made me broke my heart. I asked if we could talk. He said he's thought about it and he thinks we'd be better as friends. I said ok then lets try friends. He said we needed some space first. I know he's right, I know I couldn't be friends with him right now but the idea of not seeing him just makes me so sad. So I told him ok, maybe we can check in and see about the concerts closer to (the first one is still 4 weeks away) and he just didn't reply.

 

So today I'm starting no contact. I deleted our old messages so I don't go back and read them and make myself upset. The thing is I know that we both have issues from our past that are conflicting. Without fixing them we wouldn't have lasted anyways. But it still breaks my heart. I haven't felt so happy and so safe with someone I think ever. I've had longer relationships where I've lived with partners for years and I wasn't as happy as I was with him. When we were good we were so good. He's a genuinely good person. The type of person to help an old person cross the road (literally, multiple times we'd be walking and I'd look behind me and he would be across the road helping someone). I just don't know how you go from talking about moving in together to needing to be alone in 2 days.

 

I'm sorry this was so long and rambly. I just need somewhere to vent and try to make sense of everything while I try to move on.

[12Network]

Well no contact has not gone well. He messaged me yesterday and I replied. We had a short back and forth. It was all about the breakup, he said thank you for the support and he knows in this type of situation people tend to get angry and ghost. I told him I wasn't angry just sad and I wouldn't ghost him. He said he was calm and sad. I ended by saying that I hope we can both take some time to get better and that should have been it. I was feeling better. I took myself to the movies and was feeling like I was in a good place.

 

And then I woke up this morning and felt awful again. So I called him. I know I shouldn't have. We small chatted for a minute and then I asked if he still had feelings for me. He said he course they don't just go away. I asked if there was chance for us in the future and he said who knows what the future holds. He said we could hang out tonight if I'd like but I told him I didn't think that was a good idea. That as much as I wanted to I knew it would just make things worse. I asked him what happened, how everything changed so quickly and he basically confirmed what I'd thought - that whenever he got upset he I would push and wonder what I did and if he was going break up with me and in the beginning he wasn't but it just got to be too much and became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I said I know that's one of the issues I need to work on. I said I wish I could fix it with him and ask if there was anything I could do and he said he thinks we just need some time. I asked again if he thought there was a chance for us in the future if we both worked on ourselves and he said yes. I asked if that was something that he would want and he said he wouldn't have put so much time in if he didn't. I told him not to just say that to make me feel better and he said I shouldn't work on getting better for us and he didn't think we could make the changes we needed to if we were together and I should be working being better to have a better life. He said hopefully we can both take the next while to work on ourselves but at this point we just need time. I asked about the concerts and if he just wanted to keep the tickets and he said let's reconnect in mid September to see where we're at. So I said ok, and I'm sorry for everything and he told me not to apologize that we both just need time.

 

I felt better. I felt hopeful that in mid-September we'd get back together. And then the I started coming down and realizing how pathetic I sounded. How he was trying to tell me to move and and improve for me and give him space and I was still pushing about getting back together. So now I just feel pathetic. I was thinking of texting him just to say that I can't work on improving myself if I still have a hope and I can't do that if I still have him around so I'm going to delete him off of everything but don't take it personally I just need to do this for me. But then that sounds pathetic too.

 

I know breakups are hard and I know I have issues I need to deal with but I just feel overwhelmed. I remember reading that saying you'll try again in a few months and telling your ex you're holding on hope just makes them feel more comfortable moving on because they know you're still there. And I don't want to do that. I don't want to hold his hand while he gets over me and I feel like that's what this phone call did. It said 'ok enjoy the next few weeks because I'll just be waiting for mid-September to get back together.' Gahh.. I wish there was just someone to tell me here's the right way to handle this, here's what you need to do. And of course I've talked to my friends and they tell me they're sorry and I'm better off and all the cliches but don't need cliches. I don't need someone to just tell me to move on. If it was that simple I would. I don't know why we give people that advice. We've literally all been through a breakup and we all know it doesn't just work like that so why do we do it?

 

I just wish I hadn't called and I wish I knew what to do now to fix the damage of the call so that we do have a chance in the future...

 

I know this was long and rambling and makes me sound pathetic. I guess that's what the internet is for, hopefully I'll begin to see some improvement with each entry and in time I'll come back and be embarrassed about how just how ridiculous I sound.