Adults should pretend to be happy on our birthdays, for the sake of others

[journeynow]

My point was that I interpret some gestures of giving to be not entirely without expectation of something in return. I interpret some gestures of generosity, or efforts to please someone as a way of wanting that reassurance that what they do is enough, is appreciated.

 

You can decide for yourself what manners you value and want to practice, when to take offense because of another's behavior, who to keep as friends, and what to let go for your own happiness. You can also decide if gifts come with strings attached or are given freely. But expecting others to feel and act the same as you opens you up to frustration and taking offense and unhappiness.

[abitbroken]

What is your take on this?

 

I think that well-adjusted adults have an obligation on their birthdays to think of others and to put on a show of being happy, for the sake of the people who love them and want them to have a happy birthday.

 

What I'm talking about excludes people who are depressed or seriously need to be honest about their unhappiness. What I am talking about are people who generally well-adjusted and have sincere friends and loved-ones who may throw them a birthday party or get gifts or do some gesture because they want this adult to have a happy birthday. I'm of the opinion that when you're an adult, and not part of the excluded population I mentioned earlier, that you kind of have to just suck it up and pretend to enjoy the birthday gestures from the people who love you and care about you. I think you, as an adult, can be selfish every day of the year, but actually on your birthday you need to practice gratitude and maybe even a little fake happiness for the sake of others, at least to humor them.

 

I know some adults who are not happy about their birthdays. They don't like the attention, they get grouchy and sad and annoyed on their birthdays and they will not humor others, will not even pretend to be happy. It causes pain and worry and regret for other people and to me that's just mean. It's only one day, out of the year, and people mean well, so I say just deal with it. Again, I'm only talking about people who don't like their birthdays. And they should be able to make that clear to everyone if they don't want parties and well-wishes and gifts. But, if people ignore that, and make a to-do about your birthday, and you're not seriously depressed and sad otherwise, you just have to suck it up, smile, and say thank-you, and pretend that person made you happy on your birthday.

 

I asked someone why he did this and he said it was selfish of the other people to demand his happiness for their sake, on his birthday, no less. But I'm of the opinion that that is exactly when people can demand that. I don't know why, and it's not fair. And I also think we have to pretend to be happy for other people's birthdays even if we're not happy for them. I think in my opinion this is just part of being a polite mature person.

 

What do you think?

 

Nope. They don't have to fake happiness.

Yes, say thanks when someone hands you a gift.

 

And if this is about you doing something for your husband -- he struggles with depression, doesn't he?

 

Are you asking this question to justify what you have done for his birthday in the past?

[Annia]

I've always hated to celebrate my birthday in a big way. Most my friends like having dinners with lots of people and going out. I prefer simply having lunch with close family and maybe a little dinner with some close friends and that's basically it. Even with my family I prefer that they don't sing happy birthday to me in the restaurant with a cake (though they often do it lol ) I like my friends and all but I don't like big crowds, being the centre of the attention that way and stuff because I'm a bit introverted and that makes me nervous and drains my energy.

 

Every year my friends insist for me to make a big dinner and night out. I know they mean well but it's simply not my thing and I always dread the idea of choosing who to invite besides my few close friends and organising and deciding what we should do after.

 

Last year for special reasons I won't go into detail, I did a big dinner at a restaurant and everything. I felt very uncomfortable and drained with trying to give everyone attention (25 people is a lot of people for my introverted self) but I sucked it up and tried to pretend I was comfortable and happy. I appreciated people being there and all but it was very draining to me. I'll probably go through the same this year also for special reasons.

 

I'd say yes, be polite and smile but people should respect how you want to celebrate your birthday and don't judge if you either don't want to celebrate or want something small.

[browneyedgirl36]

This thread is interesting to me. As someone who was raised to be "grateful" for every gift, kind gesture, etc. -- even if the gift or gesture was something I didn't want/need/like -- I can understand both sides. On the one hand: People often give gifts, make grand gestures (like throwing big surprise parties), etc. because they truly want to be kind and want the recipient to feel special, and in many cases, it doesn't hurt to be outwardly grateful, to smile and say "Thanks!" even if the gift or gesture wasn't something we would actually want. I've had to do this many, many times in my life (I have a couple of family members who are positively tone deaf when it comes to gift giving -- either giving me things I'd never in a million years use or wear OR giving me cheap stuff that they're clearly re-gifting or that they got on clearance, again that I would never want/use/wear.) They mean well, and one of them in particular is both a bit eccentric AND worries a lot about money, so in all cases, I offer a polite "Thanks!" whether in person or in writing, and then I proceed to give away, donate to charity, return or keep the item as I see fit. It just seems the kind, civilized thing to do.

 

On the other hand...I have boundaries, honed over many, many years of trial and error, of "sucking it up" and getting into some really uncomfortable situations as a result of not speaking up, and I've learned that some people, though they may SEEM to mean well and want to make me happy, are actually more about doing kind gestures, giving gifts, etc. because it makes them feel good about themselves, and they pursue that goal to the exclusion of everything else. Case in point: My mom's sisters insisted emphatically on giving her a birthday party a few years back. My mom is a homebody. She dislikes parties and hates people making a fuss over her. She has health issues that make any unnecessary stress extra bad for her (high blood pressure, among other things) She watches her intake of certain foods due to health issues as well, and she simply doesn't like eating in restaurants. She also doesn't like crowded, noisy places. When her sisters raised the idea of having a party for her, my mom politely declined. They insisted. She hemmed and hawed, not wanting to hurt their feelings (and, quite frankly, they're inappropriately pushy at times, if you ask me.) They kept insisting, until finally she agreed. They chose a busy place that didn't leave my mom with much in the way of food choices. She was absolutely dreading and was really stressed out (blood pressure elevated, etc.) She went, and it ended up being OK, but...they didn't listen to her, and I think that was VERY wrong. Just hearing her story made MY blood pressure go up, and I don't even have high blood pressure! In the end, it was all about THEM, even if they told her it was for her.

 

I appreciate kind gestures and gifts, but for "big" things -- birthdays, anniversaries, other special days in particular -- I really think people should ask how the other person wants to celebrate. I am getting married in a couple months, and one of my friends (a particularly perceptive, emotionally intelligent one) asked me "Do you want a shower? If you do, I'll throw you one. If you don't, that's OK." I was on the fence -- I don't like a fuss being made over me either (just like my mom) but I also understand that my friends really want to celebrate my impending marriage (especially since I'm getting married for the first time at nearly 48, and I think a lot of them thought it would never happen -- LOL!) So, I told her: No strippers. No silly shower games (I HATE those!) I'd rather just do a picnic or wine tasting or something. So -- we're doing a wine tasting/picnic thing in a nearby town that I've never been to, and I was able to invite only the people I really wanted to have there. I'm happy, my friend is happy -- it all worked out. She's not the type to force her "vision" for my shower on me, though -- I got lucky.

 

In the end, for me, it's about balance -- being grateful but also holding to particular boundaries and being able to trust that people will respect them. When I say "no," I really mean "no." If I say it again, I REALLY mean it, and if someone pushes beyond that, or does something counter to my wishes, I resent it because at that point it's clearly about them and not about me -- whatever it is they're doing is for their own benefit with no regard to my feelings or wishes.

[Rihannon]

Yes, I think you're all right in thinking you should not suck it up on your birthday just to make other people happy. I was wrong about that. It's not mature to pretend to be happy for other people, it's just lying. I mean there's a spectrum of sucking it up and a spectrum of production. Smiling and saying thank-you when someone wishes you a happy birthday and you are not having a happy birthday, that's polite and maybe not so difficult but it wouldn't be rude to just tell the person "I would prefer you didn't say that." Honesty is better than pretending just so you don't rock the boat. Maybe if someone wants you to enjoy your birthday, it's their job to deal with that desire, not your job to cater to it.

[boltnrun]

If someone wants me to enjoy my birthday I would hope they would want me to enjoy it the way I prefer...not the way THEY prefer I enjoy it.

[Seraphim]

Yes, I think you're all right in thinking you should not suck it up on your birthday just to make other people happy. I was wrong about that. It's not mature to pretend to be happy for other people, it's just lying. I mean there's a spectrum of sucking it up and a spectrum of production. Smiling and saying thank-you when someone wishes you a happy birthday and you are not having a happy birthday, that's polite and maybe not so difficult but it wouldn't be rude to just tell the person "I would prefer you didn't say that." Honesty is better than pretending just so you don't rock the boat. Maybe if someone wants you to enjoy your birthday, it's their job to deal with that desire, not your job to cater to it.

 

Now you get it. No one is responsible for how somebody else feels. How somebody feels is up to them . And my birthday is about ME not somebody else .

[Rihannon]

If someone wants me to enjoy my birthday I would hope they would want me to enjoy it the way I prefer...not the way THEY prefer I enjoy it.

 

Yeah, I was always talking about people who want you to enjoy it, and if you just don't enjoy it at all, no matter what you do.

[Rihannon]

Now you get it. No one is responsible for how somebody else feels. How somebody feels is up to them . And my birthday is about ME not somebody else .

 

And if you're unhappy, you can be unhappy on your birthday. It's your party and you can cry if you want to.

[Seraphim]

And if you're unhappy, you can be unhappy on your birthday. It's your party and you can cry if you want to.

True. But I won’t live somebody else’s idea of my birthday . That is not my job .

[journeynow]

And if you're unhappy, you can be unhappy on your birthday. It's your party and you can cry if you want to.

Ha, that song was going through my head during this thread.

[greendots]

My take is that adults should be genuinely gracious. No need to put on a show or pretend. It's simply being courteous and polite. Throwing a tantrum, because someone gave you a present you dislike or a person you can't stand congratulated you on your birthday, is not mature.

[Rihannon]

My take is that adults should be genuinely gracious. No need to put on a show or pretend. It's simply being courteous and polite. Throwing a tantrum, because someone gave you a present you dislike or a person you can't stand congratulated you on your birthday, is not mature.

 

If you are not genuinely thankful, however, then any show of gratitude would be pretend. Many people have mentioned how this does more damage than good because it leads people to think you are truly grateful and they will continue doing what you don't want them to do.

[abitbroken]

My take is that adults should be genuinely gracious. No need to put on a show or pretend. It's simply being courteous and polite. Throwing a tantrum, because someone gave you a present you dislike or a person you can't stand congratulated you on your birthday, is not mature.

 

But if your significant other knows you don't like crowds, you don't really enjoy a fuss being made over you and so forth and prefer quiet evenings -- them putting on a big show like a surprise birthday party with everyone they know is disingenuine - its for the party giver to pat themselves on the back and show off how great they are. If you really cared about the person, you would do something in their comfort zone and what would be genuinely appreciated by them - putting the thought into it centered around the birthday girl/boy and not to pat yourself on the back.

[boltnrun]

I hate it when the wait staff sings "Happy Birthday" to me at restaurants. I warn my friends (we do a dinner pretty much every year) that if the wait staff starts to sing to me I will get up and leave. And I tell them I mean it. One friend ignored my wish and told the staff to sing to me, so I pointed to another friend indicating it was HIS birthday, not mine, and then I went to the restroom. My friend apologized. She thought I just was being shy and "didn't mean it" when I said I meant it. Go figure. And for the record, yes, I was angry.

[Batya33]

I hate it when the wait staff sings "Happy Birthday" to me at restaurants. I warn my friends (we do a dinner pretty much every year) that if the wait staff starts to sing to me I will get up and leave. And I tell them I mean it. One friend ignored my wish and told the staff to sing to me, so I pointed to another friend indicating it was HIS birthday, not mine, and then I went to the restroom. My friend apologized. She thought I just was being shy and "didn't mean it" when I said I meant it. Go figure. And for the record, yes, I was angry.

 

Yes. And you should have been angry! I'm sorry this happened and why can't people "just be shy" in an optional situation like that (if that's what she thought the reason was, not assuming that was the reason -you don't need a reason -it's just because, and you are entitled.)

[boltnrun]

Yes. And you should have been angry! I'm sorry this happened and why can't people "just be shy" in an optional situation like that (if that's what she thought the reason was, not assuming that was the reason -you don't need a reason -it's just because, and you are entitled.)

 

She thought I actually wanted the attention but was pretending I didn't. But when I say "and I mean it", it isn't me being shy. If I was so shy, would I have been so assertive about stating "I mean it"???

 

Same thing when I hide every time someone gets out a camera. I hate getting my picture taken! I always look like that "Angry Grandma" meme that is so popular. But people think I'm being coy. Nope, I really do hate it.

[Batya33]

She thought I actually wanted the attention but was pretending I didn't. But when I say "and I mean it", it isn't me being shy. If I was so shy, would I have been so assertive about stating "I mean it"???

 

Same thing when I hide every time someone gets out a camera. I hate getting my picture taken! I always look like that "Angry Grandma" meme that is so popular. But people think I'm being coy. Nope, I really do hate it.

 

Yes, I hate it too and my husband loves taking photos so I just have my son in almost all of them. I find that the "I mean it" also falls on deaf ears when it comes to alcohol, yes, even after the teenage years lol. Ironically a good friend, happily married ,posted about how he ignored his wife's "no surprise parties on my birthday" edict and the second time he pulled it they arrived far earlier than any of the guests so she got her wish lol.

[boltnrun]

I don't drink either (due to health issues and not by choice) and if anyone tries to push a drink on me I tell them "My doctor told me if I choose to drink and not follow a strict diet I'll end up with a colostomy bag". That sure shuts them up!

 

Anyway, I'm veering off topic. I think as adults we should be able to make our own decisions. Reminds me of Pres. Bush #1, who said he didn't like broccoli, he never liked it, and now that he's an adult and the president he wasn't going to eat broccoli!

[greendots]

But if your significant other knows you don't like crowds, you don't really enjoy a fuss being made over you and so forth and prefer quiet evenings -- them putting on a big show like a surprise birthday party with everyone they know is disingenuine - its for the party giver to pat themselves on the back and show off how great they are. If you really cared about the person, you would do something in their comfort zone and what would be genuinely appreciated by them - putting the thought into it centered around the birthday girl/boy and not to pat yourself on the back.

 

Sure. Context matters.

 

If someone threw a surprise birthday party, just to pat themselves on the back or to be mischievous, then you are under no obligation to stay there. But if the invited guests were people I like, out of courtesy to them, I'd try and stay for a bit. They did make an effort to show up after all and are not the instigator. Ideally after some time I'd politely try to finish the party early, but if that weren't possible I'd excuse myself and leave.

 

I would then address the issue with the instigator privately.

[greendots]

If you are not genuinely thankful, however, then any show of gratitude would be pretend. Many people have mentioned how this does more damage than good because it leads people to think you are truly grateful and they will continue doing what you don't want them to do.

 

Being gracious is all about being courteous and polite. You can always personally and amicably inform someone that you'd rather they didn't do XYZ. But is it always necessary? That is where context matters and you need to make a judgement call. For example, a friend of mine bought me flowers once (I don't care for them). Nevertheless she genuinely thought I might appreciate them. The year after she bought me another flowery item. I knew she might get hurt if I told her how I didn't care for flowers. So, I let it go. After all, it's the thought that counts and our friendship is far more valuable than me being nit-picky over presents.

 

 

Now, if someone was acting out of mischief - that's an entirely different matter. However, I wouldn't waste precious energy on people who aren't worth my time.

[Batya33]

Being gracious is all about being courteous and polite. You can always personally and amicably inform someone that you'd rather they didn't do XYZ. But is it always necessary? That is where context matters and you need to make a judgement call. For example, a friend of mine bought me flowers once (I don't care for them). Nevertheless she genuinely thought I might appreciate them. The year after she bought me another flowery item. I knew she might get hurt if I told her how I didn't care for flowers. So, I let it go. After all, it's the thought that counts and our friendship is far more valuable than me being nit-picky over presents.

 

 

Now, if someone was acting out of mischief - that's an entirely different matter. However, I wouldn't waste precious energy on people who aren't worth my time.

 

Yes but receiving a present -especially one that will die in a few days -is different than being subjected to a big party when you cannot stand them. One of my friends is selling this beauty product that I think is ridiculous. She wanted to send me a sample, and I politely declined without editorializing. Then she wanted to thank me for a favor I'd done her by sending me a larger sample. So I replied that I was so appreciative of how thoughtful she was, that I appreciated the offer on the nails and thanks but I would pass. If it were me and I offered someone a gift for a favor like that and the person declined my suggestion I still would send a gift or gift card. I don't think she will and that's fine -we're different people and I was surprised she thought she needed to get me a gift in the first place. If I'd lied and said sure about the beauty product it would have gone in the trash (I really know no one who would want it and it's not donate-able) so I thought I should politely decline.

[Rihannon]

There is a new-ish staff member in my office who now sends around a BIRTHDAY email notice every month, announcing which days are the birthdays that month for each person in the office. He got praise for doing it, how it brings everyone together and it's such a nice gesture to cheer up the office. I overhear him talking with someone who likes it and there were the sayings "it's those little things." I guess I see their point that sometimes when you work with people, it doesn't have to be all business all the time. But I think he should have asked each person if they wanted to be included on this birthday announcement list. I think it's childish even if everyone wanted it.

[Wiseman2]

Is circulating and disclosing dates of birth to everyone even legal? Can you report this to HR?

There is a new-ish staff member in my office who now sends around a BIRTHDAY email notice every month, announcing which days are the birthdays that month for each person in the office.

[Rihannon]

He doesn't include the year so, I guess so? I don't know how he got the birthdays.