Why is she trying to make me jealous

[dwarefunguy]

I was dating my ex girlfriend for almost 4 years. We had been on and off during that time but we learned from our mistakes and moved on. I thought we were good, so much so that I bought a ring to propose to her on our anniversary in July. Two months before I could, she dumped me because she said she just didn't want to be with me anymore.

 

I moved out after a month but she would call and ask to watch the pets we had while she went on a weekend vacation with her family. While there, I saw one of the letters I wrote to her asking about another chance on the dresser. I also saw a lot of the stuff I forgot were still there, even after she said she had thrown them out.

 

It has been a rocky breakup. I did the wrong thing of begging and pleading to get back with her through texts and emails but she rebuffed my advances, saying she did not want to get back together.

 

Fast forward to last week. She said she was dating some guy and having fun. I asked a mutual friend she tells everything to a day later and she said it was not true at all. Her friend says she has been taking the breakup hard, even after she initiated it.

 

A couple days later, she calls me drunk, telling me she is having trouble at work and other things in her life. I talked to her and legitimately cared and tried to help her because I still love her. I offered to meet up to talk to her about what is going on but she said no.

 

She then tells me she now has 3 guys she's seeing at the same time and she doesn't have time to see me because it is all complicated. She so said these guys were doing things with her I didn't like cook for her, fight for her and stuff like that. Meanwhile, I verified again she is not dating, seeing or messing around with anyone.

 

I have been no contact since because originally, this put me in a bad place the day after until I found out it was all not true.

 

She knows how I feel about her and she initiated the breakup. She also knows if she wanted to reconcile I would be all for it. Why is she trying to make me jealous or play mind games like this, even after the history we have together?

[DanZee]

She doesn't know what she's doing. There's still a lot of residual feelings after a break up. On the one hand, she's trying to make it look like she's having all this fun and she's moved on, but on the other hand she calls you while drunk and her friends are telling you she's miserable.

 

But the question isn't if she's trying to make you jealous, the question is should you give up trying to win her back and just move on.

 

Why did you break up so many times? I'm guessing there was something toxic about the relationship. You probably need to break the thread between you and her and go totally No Contact. Stop talking to her, texting her, SnapChatting, etc. Tell her you're move her and go find another girl. This one is too much trouble and will only bring you more heartaches.

[HeartGoesOn]

Why is she trying to make me jealous or play mind games like this, even after the history we have together?

 

Mind games only work if there's an audience willing to listen. I'd take her off that pedestal, and stop taking the bait.

[moodindigo91]

It kind of sounds like there may be some underlying personal issues she's dealing with in addition to your break-up. Either way, she has been rebuffing all of your efforts to reconcile regardless of her mixed signals, so I think it's safe to say you should cut ties and begin to move on. I mean, you had a rocky relationship to begin with, and it sounds like she's a mess right now, is this really the kind of relationship you think is sustainable for marriage?

[smJackson]

It kind of sounds like there may be some underlying personal issues she's dealing with in addition to your break-up. Either way, she has been rebuffing all of your efforts to reconcile regardless of her mixed signals, so I think it's safe to say you should cut ties and begin to move on. I mean, you had a rocky relationship to begin with, and it sounds like she's a mess right now, is this really the kind of relationship you think is sustainable for marriage?

 

I agree with this. I just walked away from a toxic relationship myself. I can tell you that it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a happy, healthy and long lasting relationship with someone so immature. My ex tried to play mind games with me the last time we had contact. I realized that(like all the women he dated before me who left him) that hes an immature manipulator who was wasting my time. Instead of trying to "figure him out," I just cut my losses. The best decision I ever made too. Each day gets better and better. I think you should also stop trying to make sense out of nonsense and move on.

 

Reconciliation may or may not be possible later, but dont put your life on hold and continue to play these games with her. Stop trying to figure out her mixed signals. Who has time for that? Dont you desire a real partner to build with, to love and be loved with? Of course you do, and she doesnt fit the bill for this kind of relationship. Shes too busy playing games with your mind and emotions.

 

She seems to still have unresolved feelings for you. That being said, you cannot make her want to reattempt the relationship. Stop inquiring about how she's doing. Move forward and focus on you. Someone just may come along unexpectedly and take your mind off of her altogether. Life happens. Don't let yours pass you by waiting on her to act right. Good luck to you.

[bluecastle]

Agreed with everything written here.

 

She's not trying to make you jealous, at least not consciously. What she's showing you is that she's a mess who has no real idea what she's doing, what she wants, what she's feeling, who she is. She's got plenty of unresolved feelings for you, and, who knows, she's maybe trying to squelch them out with some flingy stuff, or maybe she's lying about that, or...again, the details aren't important. She's lost. And lost people are toxic until they get found.

 

And you can't find her for her, much as I know you want to. And if you continue being there for these little moments you're just going to be treading water in the same spot: one minute she's going to be vulnerable and comfortable with you, the next she's going to be distant and hostile and asserting her "independence" in reckless ways. She's just flailing, and any attempt you make to make sense of it is just going to leave you confused and emotionally exhausted.

 

I've been there myself, not long ago, and had to let my ex go to swim in her own waters. In an alternate reality I could be in your exact shoes, as she's reached out plenty during moments when post-me life overwhelms. But I'm 38, have been around a few blocks, and know nothing good comes of being a crutch. You just deepen and expand a toxic dynamic that does not serve anyone. Like smJackson said above, you have to get super zen right now: maybe reconciliation happens, maybe not, but it's not going to happen until you put a firm end to this chapter, let her untie her own knots while you untie your own.