I dont know what to do

[H1996]

Hi everyone, im usually a very private person but i really dont have anyone else that i can talk to about this. Im sorry as this may be abit long. Im 22 and have been in a relationship with the guy in question for 2 years now. To be completely honest, there was warning signs from the beginning as i found he cheated a month into the relationship, but i chose to look past this (i know your thinking what an idiot) but i really do try to see only the best in people. I felt we genuinely connected so early on and i hadn't experienced that before. He told me all about his child hood and how he was in and out of care due to his dad not being around and his mother having drug issues. My heart hurt for him and from then on all i wanted to do was make sure he was OK because i really do think he has a good heart. Long story short, the warning signs have continued but now i feel im into deep, i love him more than i could explain. 7 months into the relationship i found out he actually cheated on me again, this time i ended it and he groveled for a little while back and fourth and eventually... like the idiot, i forgave him. But it was only weeks after than in normal conversation he would mention the only reason he does it is because he doesn't trust me... i haven't done anything to him. I feel so embarrassed saying this but he doesn't trust me enough, so i have done everything i could to prove he could, he doesn't trust me to have a phone, so i dont. He doesn't trust me to have social media, so i dont. I gave into all of these things because i thought it would help him and put his mind at ease but it hasn't helped at all. Matter of fact, im more alone and trapped than ever. Thats how i feel. Dont get me wrong, when we are good, were good, he really does make me happy, we plan for a mortgage and children but in my head i know its wrong. When hes angry or in a bad mood and we argue, hes like a different person and its actually really scary. I believe that people speak the truth when they are angry and some of the things he has said in an argument have really stuck, im more insecure now than i have ever been. He has actually admitted that the only reason he does these things is because he doesn't want me to leave him. I dont get it, I try my best to be the best i could ever be for him and do everything he wants me to do and it is never good enough. I just feel really in myself, i know its my fault that hes got like this because ive allowed it for so long. I dont know how i allowed myself to get here. My heart seriously hurts and its effecting everything, my relationship with my family, friends (the little i have left) and even my work. This isnt even the half of it but i cant go on anymore, i feel really emotional. I dont expect anyone to advise, i just needed to get some things off my chest. Thank you, H x

[RetroMama77]

Please, please, PLEASE get out of this relationship now. This is NOT HEALTHY. I was in a similar relationship at your age, but I spent 13 years in it! It got worse and worse until I had no identity. I was whatever he wanted me to be. If he wasn't happy, I wasn't happy. My every emotion was a direct mirror of his. I was constantly accused of cheating even though I had never done anything to make him doubt me. My life was one miserable, chaotic mess. We have 3 children together and he has very little to do with them.

 

It's not your fault! People may say, "why don't you just leave??" I know how hard it is, but for your sanity you have to get out.

[Wiseman2]

Please read up on Abusive Relationships and Sociopaths. Stop being a martyr and "seeing the best in everyone". People need to earn your trust to be in your life, not give you slick sob stories and treat you like dirt. Be honest with your friends and family about what is going on. Get Out Now.

[Hollyj]

He is a manipulative , lying cheat! That's it.

 

He showed you who he was the first time, yet you chose to ignore due to low self esteem - seeing the best in people is great, but he showed you he could not be trusted.

He has showed you once again, he cannot be trusted.

 

You allow this s guy to dictate phones and social media. What?

 

This relationship is sick and dysfunctional. You are in an abusive relationship. He is controlling, manipulative and abusive.

 

Get out of this, and seek counseling, now!

 

You plan to marry this guy? What are you thinking? You cannot trust him.

 

You must share this with friends and family. You do know that you are in an abusive relationship, and that it needs to end. Would you really consider bringing kids into this mess?

[Amalia13]

You are in a no-win scenario. He has issues. He doesn't really want it to work. He probably has love-hate feelings for you. For example, when you agree to not use a phone, it doesn't make him feel better. It makes him feel worse, feel shame that he is such a person. And that shame turns to hatred toward you. You can't win because the rules are that way. He needs psychological help. You are also doing harm to him by keeping him trapped in this world that you've enabled. Let him go so he can fall down and seek help.

[bluecastle]

I think the title of your post should actually be "I know exactly what to do, but I'm scared to do it."

 

And that's okay—hugs. Life is hard, and we all get ourselves into pickles that are hard to get out of.

 

You're so young, with so much time and life ahead of you. A life in which you feel secure, confident, seen, appreciated, loved, valued, trusted—all that is there, but to access it you need to get out of this so you can heal. Find a therapist—they're godsends in these moments.

 

Whatever good qualities this guy has, the fact is he's a menace right now. And whatever is the root of that (a bad childhood, whatever) is NOT your responsibility and NOT an excuse to treat anyone the way he's treating you. This is emotional abuse 101. The manipulation, the controlling behavior—I'm sorry to tell you, but what he's doing is he's projecting his own self-hate onto you. He's trying to make you feel like the "bad" one so he feels more justified in his own bad behavior.

 

My ex-gf has this same gene. While cheating on me with multiple men she constantly accused me of "bad behavior," to the point where I was often apologizing for non existent offenses while she was actually having affairs. I broke up with her. Even without speaking, she continued this for a while, accusing me of sleeping around when she was sleeping around. Being out of it, it was just perplexing. Like, I had zero judgement about what she was doing, but she was judging herself (instead of owning herself) and offloading that judgement on me. Point being: good woman, good qualities, but, well, a menace until she figures out her own demons. It's hard to admit that about people we love, but sometimes it's just the case.

 

You should have NO shame for the situation you're in. But it's time to get out, and has been time for a while. With space you'll see this clearly as a dark chapter on the road to light. Staying in it will just get darker and darker.

[DanZee]

This is a textbook example of emotional abuse. If you Google the terms emotional abuse and emotional dependency you will see your story told over and over again. We receive at least one posting a day like yours here. His line about not trusting you is BS. It's part of the whole process of getting you to accept his cheating and then breaking down your confidence and self-esteem so that you will accept anything he does. He may actually still be cheating on you. This is all just textbook-style abuse.

 

He has purposely isolated you from friends and family, argues with you over nothing to get you to back down and act mouse-like so you'll accept his possessive, controlling and manipulative behavior. Like all abusers, he tries to make you feel like it's your fault that he has to do all this, but you've done nothing wrong. They always exaggerate their claims of love and devotion, blaming their jealousy on how strongly they feel for you, and to make you feel really special only as part of the conditioning to keep you from leaving when they explode in anger and go off on the littlest thing.

 

This is a toxic relationship and you need to get out! I can't emphasize that enough. This guy will consume you. You should be lucky he hasn't trapped you with kids yet which would make it extremely impossible to leave him. If you need help, call the abuse hotline in your area. If you don't have friends and family you can go to, they can direct you to a woman's shelter temporarily. You are in extreme danger of losing yourself. Google emotional abuse and then leave this guy in the dust.

[beemea]

I must tell you my story to give you some perspective.

I was in a relationship with a guy VERY similar to the guy you are with now, like i was reading this and thought man is this him? lol

We were together for 3 years, and we rushed into the relationship extremely quickly in the beginning, we were also just very young and doing alot of partying and i was infatuated by him because of the "confident" way that he presented himself. Because we rushed in so quickly, we didnt know each other very well and had to basically get to know eachother while we were together and this caused an insane amount of problems that i overlooked for the same reasons you do. He had extremely bad anger issues and would yell at the top of his lungs at me, we fought alot in the beginning. Over time things settled down, the fighting continued but everyone says fights are normal in a healthy relationship so i made that excuse. Throughout our whole relationship i felt love between us, but it always seemed like it should feel like more than what i was recieving from him. like it didnt matter enough to him to give me the best love he could when i gave him my all. and when we would fight i remembered thinking that i didnt have to put up with this stuff and didnt understand why i even did.

My guy did the same as yours, he didnt trust me over all social media, didnt trust me with my friends or anything. i basically isolated myself from my whole life and my identity became revolved around him because he didnt trust me that much although i never cheated or did him wrong to be that protective. Usually though when they are super not trustworthy, its usually because they are doing something behind the scenes themselves and are afraid of having it be done to them.

Fast forward to our 3 anniversary, and im feeling great about our position in our relationship. i felt actually proud of us because i felt like we were finally at a point where we respected one another and didnt wanna be hurtful to eachother, which was what most of our relationship was. about 3 weeks after our anniversary, i find out on social media that hes been in a relationship with another girl for almost a year. i confront him about it and he denys even when i show him the evidence i found. this ends up being a huge blowout fight and he is yelling at me in my face because hes mad that i found out and that he doesnt want me anymore and of course im crying because of the betrayal and how hard i felt i worked at our relationship. we of course break up and he continues his relationship with the other girl. Another part that sucks about all that was that there were warning signs for a while that i ignored as well! random numbers texting me about seeing him with another girl and other things too that everytime i approached him about and tried to have a mature conversation on -- to give him the chance to admit his faults with some respect -- he denied everytime. Always trust your intuition.

 

now here in present time, i would like for you to know that yes, you did do the all out best to keep the relationship afloat but with the continually cheating on his part, that should not be tolerated. You have alot of love to give and i can see that but you will never recieve the same amount of love back from this man and you will certainly never get the love you deserve if you dont take a chance on yourself. he has betrayed you countless times and if i can be quite honest with you i believe you only have accepted this time after time because deep down you are afraid that you wont be able to find better than him after and thats okay because i felt that way too i just couldnt admitt it to myself.

 

Unfortunately my dear by tolerating and accepting this behavior, you are only appearing as weak. He doesnt respect you enough and you dont respect yourself enough to stand up straight and walk out of this relationship and take a chance on yourself but believe me when i tell you this will be considered the absolute best thing that has ever happened to you when you look back on it years from now. All of this will teach you so much more about life and relationships and what it means to be in love, you just have no idea but with time and distance from this guy you will see you have won more than you have lost.

The important part about going through all this is that it will force you to develop more self worth, confidence and respect within yourself so that you can approach new relationships with more dignity and understanding of what you will absolutely not stand for.

 

It will hurt, geez it will hurt like hell for a while but remember that "A loss aint a loss, its a lesson. Appreciate the pain its a blessing"

[LightWave93]

Not healthy. Toxic and abusive. His behavior will continue to hurt you until you remove yourself from the situation.

 

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, but there's nothing about this "relationship" or situation that can be fixed. He has to seek help on his own to overcome his issues, but he won't and whilst you remain at his side he will continue to drag you down until there's nothing left.

 

There is someone out there worthy of your love, affection and support. Someone who the thought of marrying and having kids with won't make second-guess yourself. This man is NOT a man you can truly grow to love, and you're doing yourself a disservice but remaining with him.

 

Get out, seek counselling / professional support, and get yourself onto the road of recovery. In the mean time, we're here for you!

[shellyf62]

Are you living with him? If yes you need to pack a bag when he isnt home & leave.

Go to family, a friend, a shelter, anywhere away from him

Then get yourself councelling to get your self esteem back.

He is an abuser and will never change.

You deserve so much better than this!!