Journey out of the abyss - no contact - looking for community

[katrina1980]

Hey Katrina!

 

Thanks for your thoughts. You are probably right, it is "energy" on some level. I was thinking more about it in the shower, I think the bottom line is that what he gave me was a kind of 'validation'. It was consistent, reliable validation, and I think that is why it became so important to me.

 

Glad at least some people don't think I am a complete nutjob, hehe. It is funny.

 

xx

Chai

 

Yeah your "theory" -- validation - makes a lot of sense too! To me.

 

No I don't think you're a "nutjob" if you are then I am too! lol Because my thoughts are at times pretty far out there as well.

 

It's what makes us unique though, right?

[katrina1980]

Hey Chai, just wanted to check in to see how you’re feeling today, I hope it’s as well as you felt yesterday!

 

I am a passenger in a car right now driving up north, and I’ve been thinking about you, specifically your question yesterday wondering if folks thought you were a “nutjub.”

 

My first thought yesterday was that you made that comment in jest, but in thinking more about it, perhaps you were serious and really do believe this to be true?

 

Anyway, our brains work in interesting ways; I got to thinking about a movie I watched a few years back called “Castaway” with Tom Hanks.

 

His plane crashed and he was left stranded on a deserted island and developed a very strong emotional attachment to a basketball! He gave the basketball a name, “Wilson,” drew a face, and Wilson became literally his best friend for the years he spent on the island.

 

One time Wilson drifted out to sea and Tom Hanks became literally in a panic, crying and shaking thinking he lost Wilson for good. He eventually rescued Wilson, and he cried tears of joy and relief begging Wilson to never leave him again.

 

Anyway my point is that we all do what we NEED to do at any given time. For some reason, which only you can determine the answer to, you developed an attachment to Turtle, whether he’s “real” or not, or your attachment is healthy or unhealthy, is not even the point.

 

Your attachment to he/she/it is serving a purpose for you at the moment, filling a void, validating you.

 

So to reiterate what I said yesterday, no I don’t think you’re a “nutjob” at all. I think you’re a beautiful person struggling with some serious issues at the moment (your illness), coming to terms with it, and managing that struggle in a way you feel is best for you right now via this internet attachment to Turtle you have developed.

 

In time, I have faith (and hope you do as well) that as you’re able to manage your illness better (with the help of your psychologist of course) this attachment will pass and be replaced by “real-life” attachments that will allow you to learn, grow and evolve into an even more beautiful and better version of yourself!

 

Peace and love Chai, take care. :) xoxo 

[Chai]

Thanks so much, Katrina!!

 

I really appreciate your thoughts, and that is a great story about Tom Hanks and 'Wilson'. I think you are right, we can form attachments to all sorts of things given the right psychological conditions. Attachment theory is very interesting.

 

I also think that my psychologist would agree with you about it doesn't really matter if Turtle is real, or even if the attachment is healthy. The question ACT psychologists ask is: 'Is it helpful?' and I would say at the moment, that yes it is.

 

Thanks so much for alleviating my fears about being considered a 'nutjob'. I think you are right, I did kind of say that in jest, because to be honest, I am not the sort of person who cares a lot about what other people think of me. I am all about sincerity and being authentic. If that means that sometimes I am a little bit 'different', then I trust that people can either handle it, ask questions or argue. I am frightened of people, but I am not quite sure yet, why that is.

 

My psychologist agrees with you that this episode is just a little 'blip' and I will get back to full function in time. I also think you are right, it will take time, medicine, support, all that good stuff, but I do hope to learn ways to better cope with my illness.

 

I saw a beautiful photo this morning on Instagram of someone deep diving and the caption read something like 'ideas are like fish. If you fish in the shallows you will catch small fish, but if you want to catch the big fish, you need to go deeper.' It made me think about how much more is possible with REAL LIFE relationships. At the moment with Turtle, maybe I am in the shallows, but when I get brave and strong maybe I will get deeper with a real person! Scary, but maybe not impossible!

 

Thanks again for your thoughts lovely Katrina. I hope you enjoy your drive north, and have a great day or evening!

 

Take care :-) xx

[Chai]

I am so happy. Everything is bright and happy in my world. Of course, there is the fact that I am deeply in love with that guy I was talking about earlier, Turtle. Maybe it did take having a bit of a break, or cutting the bond to really SEE that. My stint of no, or limited contact, made me realise just HOW much Turtle means to me.

 

Intense grief ensued, which I guess I was kind of expecting, but I guess when I really started reaching out to my friends and family, it made me realise how the attachment between Turtle and I, was I think, this safe place to feel loved, and therefore to reach out and explore the world.

 

Now that we are back where I feel we belong, I feel so LUCKY to have found such a beautiful human being inside and out. In terms of what he puts into our relationship, I woudl say a LOT. He plays football, which is a bit of a 'quirk' for me personally. It is shallow maybe, I just FEEL with Turtle that he belongs to me, and I always want to be able to see him.

 

I love him :-)

[boltnrun]

I am so happy. Everything is bright and happy in my world. Of course, there is the fact that I am deeply in love with that guy I was talking about earlier, Turtle. Maybe it did take having a bit of a break, or cutting the bond to really SEE that. My stint of no, or limited contact, made me realise just HOW much Turtle means to me.

 

Intense grief ensued, which I guess I was kind of expecting, but I guess when I really started reaching out to my friends and family, it made me realise how the attachment between Turtle and I, was I think, this safe place to feel loved, and therefore to reach out and explore the world.

 

Now that we are back where I feel we belong, I feel so LUCKY to have found such a beautiful human being inside and out. In terms of what he puts into our relationship, I woudl say a LOT. He plays football, which is a bit of a 'quirk' for me personally. It is shallow maybe, I just FEEL with Turtle that he belongs to me, and I always want to be able to see him.

 

I love him :-)

 

Chai, are you OK?

 

I'm sorry but it seems like you might be in a manic phase. You don't even know if this "Turtle" person exists but you are in love with "him"?

[figureitout23]

Chai, are you OK?

 

I'm sorry but it seems like you might be in a manic phase. You don't even know if this "Turtle" person exists but you are in love with "him"?

 

I agree.

 

I really don't think this forum is 'equipped' to fully grasp or properly advise you on this situation. I hope you continue to post and share ideas, but we arent Dr.s Chai.

[Chai]

Chai, are you OK?

 

I'm sorry but it seems like you might be in a manic phase. You don't even know if this "Turtle" person exists but you are in love with "him"?

 

Hi boltnrun,

 

You are absolutely correct, and it is a warning sign for a mania. I really have come to understand that you are quite right. I have no connection to this construct of 'Turtle' whatsoever. I am trying to do good things to keep my feet on the ground now. Thanks for your input.

 

:-) Chai

[Chai]

I agree.

 

I really don't think this forum is 'equipped' to fully grasp or properly advise you on this situation. I hope you continue to post and share ideas, but we arent Dr.s Chai.

 

Thanks figureitout, I completely agree with you, and will continue to engage on other topics, but you are right, this topic is just not productive.

 

Thanks for your input.

[Chai]

I realised this morning, that what my 'blog' did give me was some form of 'validation'. I think that is why over time, when writing in my blog, I would gradually STOP chasing boys and just let things unfold. It was that kind of 'validation' that someone was listening to what I was saying, which filled the gushing hole in my soul.

 

I am noticing that without the 'validation' (in the form of electronic chocolate), I have more of a tendency to chase. This morning this has arisen as an urge to go back to the bird coast for a holiday. I wonder what is behind that though. I think that MAYBE, I just want to case the joint to see if Turtle is around, or to seek some form of IN PERSON validation from him. It is actually quite sick.

 

Last night, I wrote in my personal journal that waiting for Turtle or Super Mouse to call is exactly the same as waiting for my father to call me. It is NEVER going to happen. He is NEVER going to call me. If I want to build a relationship, then I have to build it myself, but he will never reach out to me (I don't think).

[Chai]

This desperate urge to TALK to someone is cropping up again too. Even on 6:09 am on a Thursday morning. All I want is a psychologist to TALK to. Maybe I will ring Glee (my psychologist) today, just to check in ahead of my appointment tomorrow. I am confused.

 

In any case, it FEELS good to write. It feels like I am expressing myself on some level.

[figureitout23]

I realised this morning, that what my 'blog' did give me was some form of 'validation'. I think that is why over time, when writing in my blog, I would gradually STOP chasing boys and just let things unfold. It was that kind of 'validation' that someone was listening to what I was saying, which filled the gushing hole in my soul.

 

I am noticing that without the 'validation' (in the form of electronic chocolate), I have more of a tendency to chase. This morning this has arisen as an urge to go back to the bird coast for a holiday. I wonder what is behind that though. I think that MAYBE, I just want to case the joint to see if Turtle is around, or to seek some form of IN PERSON validation from him. It is actually quite sick.

 

Last night, I wrote in my personal journal that waiting for Turtle or Super Mouse to call is exactly the same as waiting for my father to call me. It is NEVER going to happen. He is NEVER going to call me. If I want to build a relationship, then I have to build it myself, but he will never reach out to me (I don't think).

 

Sooooooo you do know turtle?

[Chai]

Hi figureitout23!!

 

I know who I 'think' Turtle is, or who I have maybe transferred the 'idea' of a connection onto him. Turtle (the person I think of), is a real person, but whether those two associations are the SAME person is another question! I have very little proof for the 'idea' that the attention I get through the internet comes from the PERSON who I believe is Turtle.

 

Does that make sense? (I know it doesn't!! Haha)

[Jibralta]

I think your awareness and management of your illness is remarkable. And very enlightening. I like to understand.

 

What does "electronic chocolate?" refer to? Blogging?

 

These thoughts pretty much stopped there, until I got home and reread the blog post and even edited a sentence (shock, horror!), then I felt that familiar feeling of wanting to scratch around for some electronic chocolate, and then I considered that maybe I should not be blogging at all, and that posting that blog post on Saturday opened up the cracks of this stupid connection.

 

I am noticing that without the 'validation' (in the form of electronic chocolate), I have more of a tendency to chase.

[Chai]

Thanks so much Jibralta :-)

 

I like to understand too!

 

Electronic chocolate is the dopamine hit that I get from seeing that Turtle (or someone else) has looked at my page. So, it is like getting a 'like' on Facebook or Twitter or something, I guess, but it is anonymous. It does make me FEEL good, in that moment, that is why I call it electronic chocolate.

 

Cheers :-)

Chai

[Jibralta]

Just so you know, it's totally normal to get that dopamine hit from attention. There are lots of reasons for that. But mainly, everybody likes to feel loved and cared for. It's also exciting to know that you're interesting to another person.

 

The unusual thing here, I'm sure you know, is that you're attributing intentions, feelings, and identity to a person that you haven't met.

[Chai]

Yes Jibralta,

 

I see the problem when you put it like that. I am kind of fantasising that the attention means Turtle (whoever that is) cares for me. I do see how that is a bit odd.

And although it is quite common for me to do this (ever since adolescence), with that kind of 'celebrity' or people at a distance, I am not really sure what I can do to transition and develop OUT of this.

 

I am thinking of getting some Interpersonal Therapy, as I have heard that can help to address issues in core developmental relationships. I do know that the 'blog' did help me in some ways, because it stopped me from forming these 'attribution' kinds of relationships to people closer (such as teachers, friends etc). Ever since I have been blogging, I haven't had a single problem 'outside' the blog with this attribution, so, it has helped a great deal. As you say, the problem is this belief that the person who reads it has an identity and feelings for me.

 

Weird!! I see the pattern here though.

[Jibralta]

And although it is quite common for me to do this (ever since adolescence), with that kind of 'celebrity' or people at a distance, I am not really sure what I can do to transition and develop OUT of this.

 

I am by no means any kind of expert, but I think this is very common for people with schizophrenia. I don't know that you can fully transition or develop out of this tendency, but I do think that you can find ways to cope. I encourage you to take advantage of all of the support systems that you can, especially ones that help put things into perspective and ground you.

 

It is interesting that the blog sort of 'transferred' your attribution tendencies. It seems they aren't really a 'solution' per se, but more of a way to manage the flow.

[Chai]

Thanks for your input Jibralta. It does make a lot of sense that it is my disease that encourages this kind of attribution tendency. And yes, I will definitely take advantage of every support that I have around me. It will be good to catch up with my psychologist tomorrow. I want to talk about this in particular.

 

Right now, there feels like an ocean of tears sitting behind my eyes and my chest and heart. It hits me like a ten tonne truck that I am essentially permanently disabled. I am feeling sorry for myself, because just a couple of months ago, I really thought my future was bright. Now, I feel like I am one step from a loony bin, or the street, and deep down it makes me feel so incredibly sad.

 

The increase in medication, probably combined with my periods blunts my mind so much. Tonight, I went out to a play with the most vibrant, chatty woman, and my mind just wouldn't function. It is so depressing and so incredibly frustrating.

 

I know that I need to fight, but I just feel like I am in such a FOG tonight, and the tears pour down.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. They are muchly appreciated :-)

[Jibralta]

Don't lose hope.

 

Have you ever heard of Bethany Yeiser? She was a very promising microbiology student. When she was 21, she succumbed to schizophrenia. She hid her illness, cut ties with her family, and became homeless for four years until she was finally jailed and then hospitalized. She then reconnected with her family, sought treatment, returned to school, and completed her degree with honors. Then she started writing a book and lecturing on the subject of schizophrenia.

 

She has been successfully managing her schizophrenia for 10 years.

 

Her book is called Mind Estranged, in case you'd like to check it out.

 

Her mom wrote a book too. It is called Flight From Reason.

[Chai]

Thanks so much Jibralta. I have looked up those books and definitely want to get copies. Unfortunately they are not available in Australia, but I am hoping I can track down a copy.

 

It is good to have hope. Even despite this setback, I have come a long way too in the past few years.

 

Thanks again :-)

[Chai]

I know that I am repeating myself, but I just feel so sad this afternoon. It is amazing, but it took me 20 or so years to understand that I am really suffering from this disease. And now it breaks my heart.

 

My world feels so bleak this afternoon and it isn't just the icy wind outside. The icy wind paints a picture of the inside of my soul at the moment. I feel so bleak inside. So bleak, and so incredibly sad.

[Jibralta]

I am sorry you are going through this difficult time. I hope things improve for you soon.

[Chai]

Thanks, and thanks again.

 

About three weeks later and I am feeling a lot more positive. I am really incredibly lucky that I respond so well to medication and that I can come back to some pretty high level of functioning. Work is getting easier, and I am using all the spare time that I have from dropping out of uni for the semester on learning more about some specific aspects of my job and also psychology.

 

I have also learnt many more ways to 'relax and recuperate' from this forced period of recovery. I have found that art therapy, exercise, mindfulness, reading about psychology and writing and of course talking to friends are some very rewarding hobbies.

 

With regard to 'Turtle', I stayed true to the cause of ending that. My blog was closed weeks ago now, and I have upped the privacy on my social media. I am also just not writing as much (publicly) as I was before I got sick. When I started to move into this stage of my recovery phase, and was considering what to do with my personal blog, I had the sense to cast my eye over the hundreds of draft posts that I wrote this year. One thing was clear to me. . . I wasn't happy. Even if Turtle was giving me his 'attention' and even if I wasn't then suffering from a psychotic episode, I definitely wasn't happy.

 

It was that realisation that made me decide to close the site and to move on. It has been hard at times, and I have gone through some pretty intense grief, which felt like a repeat of the LAST time I broke this connection, but this past day or so, the sunshine is starting to show from behind those clouds. I am starting to feel happier and particularly happy that Turtle is not in my life and that the connection (or perceived connection) is broken. There are still some enduring blips, such as seeing that 'someone' has visited my psychology instagram profile overnight, but I am hoping that this will fade, as have the numbers of malicious attacks on my blogs have faded into non meaning now, that I am recovering from my psychosis in earnest.

 

The guy who I considered was 'Turtle' starts playing football next week, but I feel that to be true to myself and true to my healing I need to promise myself not to visit the Facebook page of the football club to watch his progress. Now that I write this, I think to myself just how fun that would be, to see him in some way each week, but in my heart of hearts I know that he has nothing for me specifically and no part of his heart belongs to me. So, I think I should just leave well enough alone.

 

The situation with Super Mouse is pretty much back to how it was previous to the psychosis. I no longer consider that he has any interest in me, or that anything he says has anything to do with me or my life in any way, even if I do only listen to the songs with the numbers that make sense to me on his page.

 

I will start to see a new psychologist in the new year, so maybe she can help me to find my way through these lingering connections and associations. Even when I am relatively well, I still maintain some form of (innocuous) connection with 'music man'. I am not sure if that is so terrible, but I do like his music. I am listening to one of his albums from about 2005 now, and it does add some kind of happiness to my life, even if I don't consider any of it to be personal.

 

It sounds depressing I guess, but I am getting a lot of insight into my own psychology and I am starting to thrive again and do well at work. I feel very lucky to be able to have such a meaningful and rewarding job that I can really get my teeth into and thrive.

[Jibralta]

It doesn’t sound depressing to me. On the contrary I find it very inspiring that you are so tenacious. I am glad you are doing better.

[Chai]

Hey, I know I could be better at thanking you for your support! It was a busy week I guess!

On the advice of someone who messaged me privately though, I have started writing about my journey from the beginning of my illness, which is a really great exercise in developing awareness and language around all those weird and wonderful things that happened to me!

 

Thanks again for your support :-) I am so happy to hear that my story doesn't sound too depressing! It lifts my spirits to read that :-)