No longer want to be friends with my ex

[amla1234]

Due to the fact that me and my ex share lots of mutual friends (we used to be in the same friend circle and also we used to be very close friends), I stayed friends with my ex, despite the fact that we had a terrible breakup which had left me very heartbroken. We broke up in 2016, but it took me almost 2 years to fully move on (I know its very long). And I stayed friends with him because I never got the space from him, and was not in a situation to have the chance to get any space from him. And so, when I went on my gap year, I broke almost all contact from him to get my space, and it really help with my healing process. But Ive just finished my gap year now and am heading home for the summer, which means that I will have to see him again. Albeit I didn't contact him much for the past year, I know he still thinks we are friends, and I dont know how to deal with the whole situation.

I live in a very small town, so I know that it will be very difficult to avoid him. I don't know what to do, and Im getting a headache at the mere thought of having to deal with him when I go back. Any advice on how to deal with friendship after a bad breakup? Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Don't be friends, it's that simple. Be polite when you see him or in your friend group, but there's no reason to go out of your way to be extra friendly. Also delete and block him from all your social media. You're under no obligation to stay friends, nor should you strive for that.

[Nate2048]

Before you do anything, did you manage to get all of your answers from the breakup? I know you said you moved on, but make sure there are no little nagging questions that seem unanswered. If you are not friends anymore and anything creeps back, it may haunt you. I'm not saying to that you should deal with him, but make sure all of your answers are answered.

 

I recommend a gradual fade for social media. Not block, but unfollow. Then, block if you cannot stand him. If he is not putting in much effort to be friends, then it will be unnoticed.

 

However, if your ex was a good person, then talk about it with him. If he is trying to be a friend, then definitely talk. Remember, you are both human beings, so treat him the way you would want to be treated. As I said, if you end it, be sure you have all of your closure if you can get it.

[amla1234]

Thank you for your reply Wiseman2! I do want to do that, but I'm afraid that it will cause a lot more drama because he's going to want to talk about it.

[amla1234]

Thank you Nate2048, I think Ive moved on in terms of not wanting in my life anymore, but I think I guess im still processing things since I still feel annoyance and a bit of anger at him. I dont think he deserves a talk, he didnt treat me well after the breakup, but im just wondering if I need to tell him I dont want to be even friends anymore

[Nate2048]

In that case, tell him, but tell him you feel. Vent it. He might leave on his own or maybe you'll get an apology you deserve. Either way, you will make your point, give him a firm reason why you are ending it so he does not nag you, and walk away with confidence that you told him off. If you tell him, do it by phone or something, so.you can show that you were willing to talk it out, but he did not treat you right to earn a face-to-face. Or email it, but make sure you get your feelings out. If it is over for good, then make sure he remembers what he did. Parting words stick the longest.

 

As you said, you live in a small town. Disappearing might cause him to look for you if he is that type. If he does not put in effort of really care, block and pretend he does not exist.

 

Finally, make sure you have everything processed. If you can get any answers to anything unanswered, do it now. As I said, you do not want those thoughts to ever come swimming around.

 

You do not know how many women I know say "I wish I told him off." Well, do it if he has no place in your life anymore. Leave no regrets on your end.

[SGH]

I disagree about telling him off. The breakup was a long time ago, and while he should have known to give you space at the time, what's done is done. Any lingering feelings or questions should be worked out on your own time.

 

You never have to be friends with an ex and should never feel guilty for cutting an ex off. The two of you haven't spoken in a year, so it may not be as difficult as you think to avoid seeing him regularly.

[MissCanuck]

I wouldn't talk to him, OP. Telling him off at this point, so long after the break-up, is not wise and only going to rip open the wound again. It will hurt you, not help you.

 

Be civil when you see him. But don't engage in a chat. Say hello and keep moving. You don't need to be friends and I doubt he thinks you're actually friends at this point, anyway. You say you have barely spoken this past year so I don't imagine he that believes there's a real friendship there.

[Nate2048]

I wouldn't talk to him, OP. Telling him off at this point, so long after the break-up, is not wise and only going to rip open the wound again. It will hurt you, not help you.

 

Be civil when you see him. But don't engage in a chat. Say hello and keep moving. You don't need to be friends and I doubt he thinks you're actually friends at this point, anyway. You say you have barely spoken this past year so I don't imagine he that believes there's a real friendship there.

 

Yeah...disregard anything I said about telling him off OP. Everyone else has a point. Honestly, there is no benefit. I say you gradually fade if you want to take it easy. Unfollow and stop reaching out to see what happens. Block if it becomes a problem. I do not personally block because I feel like it is me showing that cannot stand someone and that it gives them some type of power over me, but that is just me. I over think. If he reaches out, ignore or take a long time. He might get the hint.

 

In-person, just act like he is anyone else on the street. Do what makes you feel comfortable.