My personal cross to bare...

[Flipknob]

Hello,

 

Is it natural to recoil and think you need to sever relationships and feel like you aren't worth all the "trouble" you cause?

 

First, no, I haven't been thinking of suicide or anything like that. Even as messed up as I am, I am more mentally stable then that. Just want to get that out of the way because I can see how the last statement could make you think that.

 

I have felt this way for quite sometime and in my paranoid disillusionment I tend to read into other reactions and what-not but I really feel that people would be better off if I just wasn't a part of their lives. Mainly because I have the personality that is okay to be around only in short time periods. Even my very closest friends aren't exactly jumping for joy when I visit. Or as it seems anyway...

 

The other part of this is that I am constantly look for something to come along and screw up my good vibes. The dumb thing is that I feel that I have it coming for some reason or another. I like to pretend the glass is half-full but ultimately I the half-empty kind of guy.

 

Do I embrace my true computer geek personality and sit at home playing mad scientist or am I really just plain nuts?

 

Thanks in advance....

[codaaurora]

Hello....

 

Wow, well first off your feelings are a state of mind. You wouldn't believe the things that your mind can accomplish, both for good and bad.

 

You sound as if you may need some professional counseling to deal with possible depression issues, however I am not a licensed professional, only a student so can't guide you there.

 

One of my professors handed out this site, and while some of the information is a little different for my tastes, the general theme is right on.

 

link removed

 

One of the things that you need to keep in mind is that we are ALL worthy. We all have a right to be here and exist as ourselves. Think of it this way, the person standing next to you that seems so much better than you in all ways (many ways, numerous ways, or even one way), you need to look at them like an actor would an audience. Picture them in their underwear! Do you honestly think that they didn't poop their pants when they were babies? That they didn't puke when they were kids? That they were never grounded or in trouble with their parents? That they didnt fail a test or many of them? Mess up with a girlfriend/boyfriend. Feel like a geek in High School? Get berated by a boss at some point? Do you honestly think thats possible? I know for a fact that it's not possible. We are all human. We all mess up. We all go through this crap at some point. Some people are better at hiding it. Some have a better perspective in life and are able to turn something bad into something good.

 

What you need to do is finally recognize that you are pretty cool just as you are (unless your like an ax murderer or wife beater, that's not cool but you get my point). So what if your weird? You are the spice in life my friend. You are what adds the flavor a boring world. Embrace who you are. Once you do, I promise that glass is going to look ALL full instead of just half.

[Alabama]

I suggest as codaaurora did, you see a counselor. Your state of mind seems to be in a depressing mood. You shouldn't get down on yourself though, for how you are. It is your personality that truly shines. If you are yourself truly, than it is the person whom you talk with and know that will need to deal with that. You shouldn't have to feel to change, just because of people around you. You are you. Don't change that. Good luck!

[Flipknob]

Counseling is not easy for me to accept. I don't share well with others. My experiences have taught me not to trust anyone with anything personal. Even those close to me. I do it here because it's completely anonymous (and the help/advise is usually very good).

 

As an example, I've been in a relationship with someone for two and a half years now and managed to keep the entire thing a secret from everyone. They don't know she exists and she has never met any of them. How f'ed up is that!?

 

If I were to open up to those closest to me, I'm fairly sure that it wouldn't be taken seriously. Not that they can't take me seriously, it's just that over the years I've grown - alot, but they seem to be stagnant in their personal growth. Some of it is the situations they have found themselves in that have hindered that growth. They aren't bad people, in fact they are among the most brilliant people I've ever met, but I just don't think that I can connect with them the way I had in the past.

 

So, I tend to sit around and wallow in my own self pity for a few weeks before I decide to suck it up.

 

I'll be alright, I just need to deal with it and move on.

 

Thank you for listening and the advice. Most of the time I just need to vent and it works out.

[Alabama]

Well, I hope you find a good way to deal with your problem. If you need any more help, just PM me. Good luck!