Struggling with singleness

[rubys]

I was in a relationship for three years with a classical musician. I know now that we should have broken up within a few months of getting together because we wanted different things, but we moved in together and made it work for three years.

 

It became very obvious to me that I was trying to convince him to settle in the city we currently were in. My family was there, his were close by, but what I didn’t see at the time was that musicians work differently. They need to ‘chase the dream’ wherever it takes them.

 

I didn’t see that this situation was making me so so anxious and miserable. I thought it was just me, and without him I wouldn’t be able to cope.

 

We eventually broke up because the strain got too much for both of us.

 

About 6 months later I started dated a really nice guy. We had loads in common, but he told me early on that he wanted to move away sometime soon for a job if he could get one too. The alarm bells started ringing and I immediately called things off, then a week or so later felt like I had jumped to conclusions too soon and called them back on again.

 

We have now yo-yoed back and forth for a few months. We met up last weekend and he was really touchy feely and talking about his future etc, he knew exactly how long we hadn’t seen eachother for etc, and in person seems really keen, then when I asked him what we were doing back in this situation again, and he didn’t have an answer and went back to the stock answer of ‘ I still want to move away’.

 

This back and forth has made me feel awful. I feel like I want to have kids soon and I can see that I’m latching on to something that isn’t right because I’m panicking about the future and being lonely. I also think I went through so much anxiety over my ex, that at the moment I don’t know how to not worry about a man.

 

How do I get out of this horrible mindframe? Stop obsessing about this guy, and get to the point where I can see that I’m worth more than he can offer me? (A casual relationship when he’s feeing lonely). I’m upsetting myself by seeing that I’m devaluing myself so much, but my past experiences have made me feel like I’m not worth much to someone because they’ll always choose their career over me.

[RedDress]

I think you are overthinking things and beating yourself up over it.

 

If a guy values his career more than a relationship, that’s not a reflection of you. It just means that he’s not a suitable mate.

 

Both of these guys were unavailable for a relationship. Even if they really really liked you. One had a dream to chase and the other was very clear about moving away.

 

I don’t think the question is why aren’t you good enough to make them change their life goals... it’s why do you keep choosing men who have incompatible goals as you.

 

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. I just think that it would be more efficient if you were a little more ruthless in dating. Don’t waste time and get distracted by guys who are kinda-sorta there if they just changed ABC. Don’t try to “fix” them. Just date people who are compatible from the get-go.

 

Your tendancy to date guys who are incompatible and try to “fix” them is counter-productive.

[Batya33]

I think you're choosing safe relationships -where you have the excitement and drama of trying to convince someone you are worth becoming available for whether it's geography or career or whatever that is the roadblock, but deep down you know you never have to commit. You say you want to have a child within a marriage/stable relationship but your actions say otherwise. And yes musicians settle down all the time and also chase their dream. This particular guy was unwilling to do both, with you. I used to be like you to an extent - and then I became the right person to find the right person -a person who could be happy being excited about a relationship that was stable with an available guy who obviously loved me (and I am not saying go for a clingy/doormat/yes guy who showers you with gifts even when you're pre-coffee cranky - find one who is available because he is reasonably secure and confident in himself and chooses you to enhance his life and be his partner in crime).

 

When my husband and I got back together after breaking up while engaged, I knew from the first real date (three weeks after we met up for a friendly dinner) that with his career I would almost certainly have to relocate. We talked about it and I told him which areas would be dealbreakers for me (just a few) and he agreed. We discussed how long distance dating would work. We were both completely committed to working out whatever complexities there were with the long distance, our careers, etc, from day one. It has to be that clear especially if it will involve long distance dating (which I am not a fan of unless you already know the person really well).

 

You want a child within a marriage? How badly? Do any of my thoughts ring true as far as you taking the safe way out by chasing unavailable men (meaning unavailable to you or unavailable, it doesn't matter). It's really lonely to be in a relationship where you have to give up your dream. My friend is going through that now. She froze her eggs in her late 30s. Soon after that met a guy on Eharmony. He said he wanted kids. They fell in love and got married. They've been married almost 5 years. In about year 2 he said he wasn't sure he wanted kids. He didn't think their relationship was stable enough and he had medical issues. So now she is in her mid 40s with the eggs waiting for her but if she does it on her own obviously there goes the marriage. He was available and now he's not and the marriage kind of sucks but she's sticking around while her clock runs out (or at least makes it much harder for her)

 

So my point is, save your pennies to freeze your eggs now, or ASAP, (it was not an option available to me in my 30s otherwise I would have done it), and then discipline yourself to only date men with the same general goals as you, and where you have the specific discussion within the first few months of dating. That will lessen your anxiety. Part of you will miss the drama of chasing an unavailable guy - but that is work you have to do on your own. I think investing in freezing your eggs will be a reminder to you of just how much you want to be a married mom. I had our son in the nick of time -naturally, in my early 40s. I wouldn't recommend waiting as long as I ended up waiting or having the stress of a "geriatric" pregnancy but I wholly recommend becoming the right person to find the right person and winning the lottery with marriage and motherhood -yes, both are true. And bonus points if you can start conceiving earlier so you have the option, if you want, to have more than one child. I was sure I'd never have that option and I'm glad because it turned out post-birth I really didn't have that option.

[catfeeder]

How do I get out of this horrible mindframe? Stop obsessing about this guy, and get to the point where I can see that I’m worth more than he can offer me? (A casual relationship when he’s feeing lonely). I’m upsetting myself by seeing that I’m devaluing myself so much, but my past experiences have made me feel like I’m not worth much to someone because they’ll always choose their career over me.

 

I'd stop framing this through the lens of estimating my value to the wrong guys. Most people are NOT our match, so plugging in people like mismatched puzzle pieces won't work to fool yourself about the outcome of that puzzle.

 

Consider working with a therapist for tools and techniques to free your mind of the idea that latching onto anyone can teach you your own value. That's inward work, and as long as you keep reaching for temporary guys as band aids, you'll only prevent yourself from doing the work that will stabilize you and ground you in solidity of Self.

 

Leapfrogging relationships isn't the way to find a good one. You know this, but that's not the same thing as a choice to stop.

 

It's a decision.