rubys Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 I started dating a man in January. It was very on and off for a few months, I obviously wanted him more than he wanted me. He told me that he’s applying for jobs all over the place, and I told him I was settled where I am at the moment and happy. I met with him yesterday, a month after we last dated, and he was very touchy feely...he obviously likes me but I think just not enough. We went back to his house in the evening and he got a blanket and snuggled up on the sofa with me. I asked him how we’d got back to this situation again, and he didn’t have an answer. I told him I wanted to be 100% honest...I have strong feelings for him and I can’t yo-yo back and forth because I’m getting hurt. He agreed that it’s stupid to keep doing this if we’re both ending up in this situation. What I really think is happening, is that he doesn’t want to be ‘in a relationship’ with me. He wants to be single, but doesn’t want to tell me that he doesn’t like me enough etc, so is using the ‘nothing has changed...we still want different things’ line. I feel like I’ve spent sooooo long now wondering what’s going on, waiting for his messages, waiting for his attention that I’m totally hooked on it. I’m glad to be out of that situation but I don’t know how to not obsess over what he’s thinking and doing. I’m feeling so anxious at the moment that I just can’t deal with it. I genuinely don’t think he’s meant to play me along, but it’s what he’s done and now I’m stuck in this anxiety. How do I deal with this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 You need to stop seeing and talking to him completely. With time and space away from him, you will heal and move past him. It won't be pleasant at first, but it's much better than continuing to see him while he is so casual about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 I agree with MissCanuck. You chose to spend time with him at his house -that is not leading him on -and you are right -he is not into you enough to date just you. That is why you are hooked -not because he's so awesome as a person but because you see him as a prize to catch. To deal with the anxiety- brisk cardio - power walking with headphones with a great podcast or great music or a mix of both -for at least 20 minutes -even if you just run up and down stairs -at least once a day,preferably in the morning. Drink extra cold water - try to finish 20 ounces within an hour between meals, three times a day (and drink when you do the workout). Listen to a friend (call her and listen to what's going on with her). Also 4-7-8 breathing -Weill method (google it -and practice it- get good at it even when you are not anxious). If you do volunteer work at all sign up this week and if not look around now for something you can do that involves interacting with people or secondarily something rote like paperwork. It's about distraction and centering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 ^ excellent advice! Use any and all skills you've learned in your life for dealing with anxiety - the nice thing is these skills are transferable to any situation in which you have to manage feelings which is less than pleasant. In general, I've found that anything which goes back to basic self care to be helpful. Things like : good sleep, good food ( and preparing nice meals, which can be grounding), exercise, calming activities, limiting social media and tv, work on a concrete personal project, be with people who you love and who love you, volunteering, being in nature, spending time with animals, do something you really enjoy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 Well....he has been honest with you in that his life is in a flux, he is looking for work all over the place and therefore he isn't settled and isn't in a position to get seriously involved with anyone. I think you need to stop telling yourself some rom com bs that if he was just into you enough, somehow it would all work out. Real life doesn't work like that. He is literally not in a place in life to get involved with anyone beyond just a casual hook up here and there and once whatever job/career opportunity he is looking for comes up, he will take off after that. It's only confusing for you because you don't want to believe him, but believe him you must. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolflovesmoon Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 Honestly, i think he just wants the Punnani and he pretty much knows he dan get it/have it so he pulls you back when needed, he is not interested in you, not to be with you in a relationship, not as a long term goal. So listen to those advices and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jstar845 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Hello, Thanks for your response. I see that you are a loving and caring person. I believe he cares for you too. Also, you are a strong woman who knows what she wants. It seems he is planning for his future with careers, and this is good and important to him. I know you mentioned you told him how you feel. The two of you will have to decide what you want. Best wishes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplepaisley Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 It seems to me he's been honest with you about what he wants right now. It seems as though his life is just not stable. He doesn't know where he'll be living in six months or a year from now, and he's not in a place to pursue anything serious. He has other priorities. He wants some companionship, snuggling, sex, affection, but not the whole LTR, no yet, or maybe not ever. Maybe not with you. I don't know. He seems to like you and care for you, but he is not interested in anything serious at this time. Your choices are to accept this level of relationship and don't get attached or expect more, or leave the relationship...and it seems to me something casual is not going to work for you. You clearly like him a lot more than he does you, and this is too hurtful. It's better just to break it off entirely and live your life. You shouldn't stay with a man who isn't meeting your needs and goals. He's not it. You want him to be it, but he's not it. Good luck, I know how it feels. I've been there. Move on. It will remove a great deal of anxiety when there are no expectations or wishes that you'll hear from him, or even that crazy disappointment when you do hear from him and it hurts because you know it won't progress to what you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Utah Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Sometimes we meet what appears to be the right person at the wrong time. I believe some here can attest to that. End it and let him and yourself do a little soul searching for what you want. Maybe you will reconnect again in life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
figureitout23 Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 I find it interesting you say things like 'I obviously wanted him more than he wanted me' I think that statement is very very telling. My advice is take things one day at a time going completely NC. He is telling you he doesn't want a relationship and if that's what you want this isn't a good match and that's ok. You can't use vulnerability to get what you want. It really doesn't seem like he's going to budge. Next and this is the most important, stay single and work on yourself esteem. By dating right now you're setting yourself up to attract these types of people. You deserve better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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