itsallgrand Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 Yes, join a club! I had a fun adventure last summer being part of a yacth club. I don't even have a boat! Made some friends I otherwise would probably would not have met otherwise. Super fun! If you have an interest in boating, you'll love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 7, 2018 Author Share Posted October 7, 2018 Yes, join a club! I had a fun adventure last summer being part of a yacth club. I don't even have a boat! Made some friends I otherwise would probably would not have met otherwise. Super fun! If you have an interest in boating, you'll love it. You are right. I love being on the water, have been on boats all of my life. I am afraid I will drive myself towards something that shuts him out. But you know what? (1) If fear is my limitation, than that is a sure sign I need to do the thing I am afraid of. And... (2) He won't let me go. He is too smart for that. l Now -- if I went and joined a boat share, he might drift off after that, because we approached that idea as a joint decision and it would suggest an inability for me to find a shared path. When you joined the club, did you feel awkward as a woman? Is that a silly question? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 7, 2018 Author Share Posted October 7, 2018 Wow I am getting out a few things and putting them on the table... always good I am used to being the gender minority --- but in a club setting, where social is a big part of it, I am also used to getting dating-interest sorts of attention. It holds me back (even when I was fully single). I find it exhausting. Maybe I find some ambiguous ring and wear it. Not a diamond or a pearl but just something I like. Enough to encourage a man to learn more first? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 Does your bf not enjoy boating? What's your worry there? I didn't feel awkward joining as a woman. There was a good chunk of women there. There were residuals of 'the old boys club' there. It had been a very exclusive club only for men in its conception, but had opened up to women and less exclusion over the years. It was still a private club, but with a good mix of people and levels of money sunk into the venture. They told me stories about back in the day, the big bell they had hanging was rung when a wife was approaching the club! It was to warn men to hide their mistresses!! Lol . I think you'd have a blast and make quick friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 7, 2018 Author Share Posted October 7, 2018 Does your bf not enjoy boating? What's your worry there? I didn't feel awkward joining as a woman. There was a good chunk of women there. There were residuals of 'the old boys club' there. It had been a very exclusive club only for men in its conception, but had opened up to women and less exclusion over the years. It was still a private club, but with a good mix of people and levels of money sunk into the venture. They told me stories about back in the day, the big bell they had hanging was rung when a wife was approaching the club! It was to warn men to hide their mistresses!! Lol . I think you'd have a blast and make quick friends. Bf would love it and quickly be better than I. Sometimes he gets stuck needing to lead, and so he will have to come into this realm on his own, perhaps. Thank you for the encouragement. Been reading all day and giving myself a little talk about pursuing my path and how it requires that I put in the effort. And so, I will. Love the story of the bell! That is fabulous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 7, 2018 Author Share Posted October 7, 2018 Ok yay Found one that is good and nerdy but too much that way Found one that is The One but maybe not for me Found one. Yeah, that one looks right. Sidebar. Been quiet / depressed ? / introspective all day. Bf knows. He has tossed out a few bids for attention. I sent back an emoji. Didn't make conversation though. I'm kinda wiped out. I don't quite know what happened. Carbs and sugar - well yes. Brain tired - yup. Realization that reality is just as that? Mmm. Maybe. Fwb asked to see me this weekend. Didn't. He misses me; I didn't experience missing him of late. But I didn't want to see him either. What's the point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 8, 2018 Author Share Posted October 8, 2018 Ahh so bf got me to talk . Guess what came out? Man hating. I haven't felt or talked like this in years. Decades. I remember when a certain national event happened a couple of years ago,how I felt feelings I had forgotten. Genderized. Like prey on guard in a forest. Like men are Other. Like Women are on the defensive. I've always been a minority. Among women. Among men. I finally felt like a human. And then Orange happened and women in business meetings began to talk furtively with each other during breaks. That feeling of being an intruder in a mans world. It's so dang heavy. I don't want it back. I don't want it. Nooo. It's my world. (As it is for each of us.) I say that to coach myself. Not anyone else's and I am as entitled to its experiences same as anyone, if I want them enough to invest myself. And if the day weren't weird enough, Slush just said hello. What a day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 8, 2018 Author Share Posted October 8, 2018 And more came out.... his moodiness came from a desire to get me everything I want, and feeling pressure to spend money he hadn't planned on spending. That's a heck of a pressure when being toured through a marina of sailboats. It didn't occur to me until today that he would feel that way; I was thinking about my own money leaving my account not his! Glad we gave it time to see that we were each coming from a place of kindness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 And more came out.... his moodiness came from a desire to get me everything I want, and feeling pressure to spend money he hadn't planned on spending. That's a heck of a pressure when being toured through a marina of sailboats. It didn't occur to me until today that he would feel that way; I was thinking about my own money leaving my account not his! Glad we gave it time to see that we were each coming from a place of kindness. So I hope this isn't too silly an analogy. There's a divorce lawyer who advertises a lot on my local radio station. And they share little anecdotes about how to avoid divorce -how to see marital conflicts in a different light. Here's one of the examples. Wife says to husband "don't wear that shirt". Husband internalizes "nagging/controlling wife". Husband gets to work to find out his shirt has a stain on the back which he couldn't see. Obviously wife said it inartfully but her intention was that he not feel embarrassed at work . So apparently the upshot is to assume your spouse/SO has your best interests at heart as the default rather than assuming he/she means to nag or some other nefarious motive. Having said that I don't think you need to be a mindreader and on his end I can see where he didn't want to seem "cheap". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 9, 2018 Author Share Posted October 9, 2018 So I hope this isn't too silly an analogy. There's a divorce lawyer who advertises a lot on my local radio station. And they share little anecdotes about how to avoid divorce -how to see marital conflicts in a different light. Here's one of the examples. Wife says to husband "don't wear that shirt". Husband internalizes "nagging/controlling wife". Husband gets to work to find out his shirt has a stain on the back which he couldn't see. Obviously wife said it inartfully but her intention was that he not feel embarrassed at work . So apparently the upshot is to assume your spouse/SO has your best interests at heart as the default rather than assuming he/she means to nag or some other nefarious motive. Having said that I don't think you need to be a mindreader and on his end I can see where he didn't want to seem "cheap". Yes exactly as the lawyer says - I find if I keep that idea in mind i will find the logic that explains the behavior. He was less worried about "cheap" and more angry/hurt/disappointed. He is used to being the only one with money to spare. So if I want something he immediately internalized How do I pay for this? It's such a sweet response, to assume that open wallet sort of a stance, and to be responsible about it. Today I told him I wanted to open a negotiation to get what I want to get, but that I didnt want to do it without him. Which is funny in a way. He said Do it. Tell me all about it later. // sweet. Then later , he said, how much do I chip in now? I said Nothing. He protested. Those were not our terms! Lol I said You said Now! Later, you figure something out. // That seemed to have the right balance of playful and taking care of each other. So. Tomorrow, I call the guy. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 We met up yesterday after each had busy days, and we were kind of edgy. He was behind his own schedule and unable to pick me up. I didn't need him to fetch me, and enjoyed the walk. But - there was no starting point to break up DAY from DATE. So, that took awhile. And he was proud of the seats he got, with good reason, but (eyeroll). After a time, the layers faded away and we had a great night out. He likes affirmations and I stink at giving them... and if I give too much, he self sabotages. So we dance. I told him he'd been in and out, he said sorry, I laughed and said You need that! He was surprised, listened, knew it was a familiar pattern. I probably need it too. I definitely keep him at a certain distance. My one daughter is all in, my other is more guarded (they flip flopped. I love their teamwork, even when its subconscious. Makes me so happy.) He has been filling his calendar and I think that is fantastic. I like how we take responsibility for ourselves and look out for each other. I joked that a song we were listening to should be our first dance. It is a dark dark song that if taken literally it describes us very well. We laughed. We could bolt at any moment. But we fear recrimination from the other. It's a good thing, a way of expressing value. Putting each other first is what we require. Nothing else will satisfy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 12, 2018 Author Share Posted October 12, 2018 I've been self sabotaging lately. Eating too much and choosing sugar late at night. Staying up late. About what am I especially anxious? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 13, 2018 Author Share Posted October 13, 2018 Recently bf and I have had these little moments. I told him he has been in and out. There was no weight to our conversation. It's not unlike him, generally. Then he spoke up. I see now that my body knew what my head didn't. He woke up yesterday and said over the phone - still under the covers - that he wondered if we both were all in. Well, that will scuttle one's morning routine! A rich conversation ensued. By lunch he made it a priority to see me, even though it was while I was on a phone call, to look at me as if I were the only thing that matters. He was right of course - that we were dancing in teensy increments away from each other, a trend he claims he started and he can identify when and why. I mirrored. Never would have noticed the trend until it was later, more damaging. Of interest though is that I knew, in my bones, that I was in a danger zone, and I missed the supportive energy to which I have become accustomed. I was back to old depression-like patterns of staying up too late. Eating mindlessly. Watching the telly instead of pursuing my intentions. We might not be everyone's cup of tea. And he has some yellow flags similar to my dating history. He talked about knowing that I see him inside and out, and feeling shy about me seeing his inner core for which he has some disdain. That disdaining the big fat yellow flag, not red only because he is so conversant and because he has found a way to get co comfortable with it. Even so, he can't give me something he doesn't have. He will be a much better partner and person if he feels that he is a gift worth giving. I had already made some private mental notes. I remain inwardly watchful. He clearly wants to make this work. That, perhaps, is the key difference. I am glad I have learned to let time unfold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 14, 2018 Author Share Posted October 14, 2018 I dunno. He is quite good at taking responsibility. Maybe I need to tune in more to how I impact others. I tend to be somewhat unaware. Hmmm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 15, 2018 Author Share Posted October 15, 2018 Oh ena. What a great day. Here is why. I hosted two of my sibs. One, we got along in a way we haven't in a decade. But we have always wanted and missed our usual and very special way with each other. And today, that's how we were. It was so normal as to be unremarkable if not for the absence of it previously. My place, as recently as August looked like a storage bin with two housefuls of furnishings, and today, it was lovely! We walked around, found memories and joy in the new elements, entertained easily. One sib fixed two decorating challenges I had just decided to accept. They are tweaks, yet they nail it; they brought the look a whole step closer to "done" and it already is done enough. So extra done. Yay. (Of course now I have a few things to do to implement the tweaks lol it never ends of course!) My "kids" were wonderful in all respects. I nested all weekend. My bf came with kid 1 and me for a shopping trip and showed his expertise at hunting for looks and sizes. We had no time just us but got in some 3 sentence exchanges and a few hugs that affirmed our shared posture and goals. A sunshine and warm embers sort of day. Ahhhhhh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 15, 2018 Author Share Posted October 15, 2018 Btw Kid 2 is becoming better friends with slush's kid 2. Of course. Life is funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 16, 2018 Author Share Posted October 16, 2018 Last night I phoned my bf and woke him up. I was sure he was building a connection elsewhere. He wasn't. He was grateful I called. He was keeping something personal inside, afraid to share. He said many times I was right to call I said, it would have been better if I had questioned things when they popped up - but I dont think that way and it wasnt until I saw a pattern. Also he had previously used words that reminded me of mwfn. "I'm not good enough" I said Dont you know that's the universal break up line? He did not. When he said it, It was an emotion wafting through him, a sincere experience. He has been without his regular support system and he is finding himself in deep waters from time to time. That has caused some withdrawal and some reliance on his charming shell to get by in social situations - an aspect he hasn't deployed on me in over a decade. By this morning we were making jokes. But the real deal is We have such wonderfully substantive conversations. He has some healing to do. It might be a lifetime journey for him and that's okay. I sensed this and am glad we talked about it. It's the risk of him. It's not a deal breaker, in the context of our communications and the rest of our overlaps, and especially in his drive to be responsible for himself and driving himself forward. I appreciate how he received me and how he diagnosed it: "it's not about someone else, it's about my withdrawal and that has left you insecure and that is logical and I need to address that." Not one ounce of defensiveness, not one. "You were right to call me." Huh? And wake you up? I doubt I would have had nearly the clarity and grace he had with me. We are going away this weekend to be outdoors. And we are looking forward to it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Are you two exclusive? Would he need to tell you if he was pursuing someone else to date? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 16, 2018 Author Share Posted October 16, 2018 Are you two exclusive? Would he need to tell you if he was pursuing someone else to date? Exclusive. And comfortably so. He just stopped by to say hello between meetings. :) I said If he needs to withdraw into his shell, that's okay it's just who he is. He said We will need to keep an eye on it. He said "I love you when I am in my shell, when I am frustrated, when I am snuggly... it doesn't go away." It's him drawing up into himself for comfort and he hadn't realized he had closed off. Recent news events triggered memory of a traumatic event. I believe part of him is processing his experience, subconsciously. He needs himself more than usual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 I understand. I think it's fine to go into one's shell and lovely that he reassured you he still has those feelings and I think in a couple it's important if one is going to go into one's shell and withdraw to let the other person know so that the person doesn't have to read minds (yes even if there's that blanket statement of if I go in my shell know I still love you). I've had friends go MIA because they were feeling down/moody/shelled whatever. And I don't think it's thoughtful to do that if it's someone you regularly talk with or see - give the friend a heads up. Or the partner. JMHO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 I understand. I think it's fine to go into one's shell and lovely that he reassured you he still has those feelings and I think in a couple it's important if one is going to go into one's shell and withdraw to let the other person know so that the person doesn't have to read minds (yes even if there's that blanket statement of if I go in my shell know I still love you). I've had friends go MIA because they were feeling down/moody/shelled whatever. And I don't think it's thoughtful to do that if it's someone you regularly talk with or see - give the friend a heads up. Or the partner. JMHO. Yes. Glad we resolved it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 Putting this on paper. It will seem bigger than it is, because I have written it. Nice exchange via text with Slush. He asked me how am I, how is work, how are kids? (more specifically than that) I answered concisely, in two sentences. Got back a reply to my info, but no answer to my question as to How are YOU? Second time that has happened. It remains an idea to me. Not that he is the better option. Not that I am wishing or wanting. I don't know what it is exactly. A flight to safety, an appreciation of his maturity. As a partner (in my imagination) I can feel the pinch, as if his presence constrains my self expression. I don't want that. But hearing from him still is more than nothing. A little bit of energy. I dunno. Just had to confess it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Do you think that creates space/distance between you and your boyfriend just as you were wondering if his thoughts were focused on another potential person in his life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 18, 2018 Author Share Posted October 18, 2018 Do you think that creates space/distance between you and your boyfriend just as you were wondering if his thoughts were focused on another potential person in his life? It brought us closer together. We each found affirmation in the late night phone call. The outcome was enhanced trust in one another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 It brought us closer together. We each found affirmation in the late night phone call. The outcome was enhanced trust in one another. Oh I mean your communicating with Slush. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.