IAmFCA Posted July 10, 2018 Author Share Posted July 10, 2018 Left work with a proper anxiety episode today. Tight, inability to concentrate, loss of working memory. It took me an hour or so to regain m composure. At the base ofit was my judgment of myself for letting some busdev activity slide over the holiday. I made a list. I told myself to orient myself forward. I will be okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 10, 2018 Author Share Posted July 10, 2018 Ahh got it. Raised by siblings... subconscious expectations are as if they are parents. But they aren't. I keep letting go of my expectations and it is working. Learning that they aren't the source of my security. Learning to see them as human. It is like detaching from an uneven relationship because I was so much younger; they didn't attach the same way. And all have the ability to defend by deflection - to gaslight. I understand my challenge. My peace increases as I acknowledge that it isn't personal, but a natural outcome of how we all we raised. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 11, 2018 Author Share Posted July 11, 2018 Y'all? It is so dang easy. How many times did people tell me it would be easy? But you know what? If we were trying to date each other from scratch, with no friendship it might be a complete fail. No idea what he would think of me. I understand why I would allow people and myself into other people's hovering zone, that middle zone of neither landing nor leaving. An attempt to simply be in the familiar zone and let friendship build. But it isn't the same when it is goal oriented. It is so easy. Our first date, ha, I forget I did this -- I had to change in the car on the way to dinner. So I did. Head to toe, no layer left unchanged. omg it didn't strike me as remotely odd, sexy, or interesting. I was just changing. hahahahaha i am deeply clueless when being practical. that's friendship for you. I would not have done that when we were friends because I was focused on maintaining a boundary; the connection was everpresent. Once agreeing to experience the connection, definitions and rules were completely irrelevant and the connection was a purely safe place. I am freaking flippin happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 I am so happy for you....a long time coming. First Sportster, now you. Maybe even Reinvent will just quit looking for flaws and enjoy! lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 11, 2018 Author Share Posted July 11, 2018 I am so happy for you....a long time coming. First Sportster, now you. Maybe even Reinvent will just quit looking for flaws and enjoy! lol TY RN! Ha, we'd all make a fine graduating class. Somebody tell -- oh dear, how embarrassing --our missing friend with the rose avatar and the succinct voice... As you well know, its not about the partner. Its about making ourselves healthy. One of the reasons i enjoy your posts is your acceptance and enjoyment of yourself. We have that going on here. I mean, we both have diagnoses and group therapy and so on, but that's just how we are made. It is nice to be freed of self recrimination as a normative behavior. Blech. Anywho , thanks for visiting and your well wishes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 SilverBirch just found someone that makes her heart sing too! It's still so new....but crossing our fingers.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 11, 2018 Author Share Posted July 11, 2018 Well, how are you RN? Tonight I will take a stroll over to your place and catch up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 12, 2018 Author Share Posted July 12, 2018 Heard from Slush tonight, the usual breadcrumbs. I haven't replied. It appears he and the gf broke up a few months ago. He opened a lot of his gates to let her in. Kids knew about them. Pics in the vanity press. After all that enthusiasm, the break up would seem to be eventful... so he texts me and i am supposed to what, text back? For what? If i eventually reply, y'all know i don't like strictures- it would be tomorrow early in am, while i remain definitively out of reach. But i am likely to say something unnecessarily direct and maybe kinder just to be quiet. That said, i don't think i should reply at all, as he would respect his RL if it were like mine, by not replying. My bf is aware; i can reply and respect the RL. But slush would see the world through his lens and get a different message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 Well, how are you RN? Tonight I will take a stroll over to your place and catch up. lol....there is nothing to catch up!! Same guy, same crap.. So now no sex, and no kissing....cuz when I do, he always turns weird on me and disappears. Sooo….we hang out almost every day. Do stuff. He gets huffy when he doesn't get any action. But I tell him it's his own damn fault! Heart can't get hurt as badly....if it's not quite so involved. So I live vicariously thru you all.... I quit Ena for awhile. But....back on in spurts. Love to read all the 'love' happening!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 Heard from Slush tonight, the usual breadcrumbs. I haven't replied. It appears he and the gf broke up a few months ago. He opened a lot of his gates to let her in. Kids knew about them. Pics in the vanity press. After all that enthusiasm, the break up would seem to be eventful... so he texts me and i am supposed to what, text back? For what? If i eventually reply, y'all know i don't like strictures- it would be tomorrow early in am, while i remain definitively out of reach. But i am likely to say something unnecessarily direct and maybe kinder just to be quiet. That said, i don't think i should reply at all, as he would respect his RL if it were like mine, by not replying. My bf is aware; i can reply and respect the RL. But slush would see the world through his lens and get a different message. Yes. And maybe don't see this through a different lens and get a different message. It's just a text. Same old, same old. Focus on the different new, different new, with your boyfriend? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 12, 2018 Author Share Posted July 12, 2018 Yes. And maybe don't see this through a different lens and get a different message. It's just a text. Same old, same old. Focus on the different new, different new, with your boyfriend? Oh, of course slush is not my focus and I see it as it is. Point re lens is really about communication - what I think I am communicating vs what he discerns may be different and I want to be aware of my audience. So, as a friend I might choose my few words carefully so that I don't lead him to issue an invitation, but reply so as not to ignore. Like, Hi, on travel hope all is well. ... but for him that may say "I'm available but inconvenient at the moment" -- and that is unfair among other things. I have to think about it because his messages, in terms of content, are friend-like. Easy to reply in kind. But he doesn't send them when he is in relationship as best I can tell. So the pattern speaks to intention in a way his words do not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 Say Hi, on travel hope all is well...new bf and I are doing GREAT! Hope you are too! 'Nuff said! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 Oh, of course slush is not my focus and I see it as it is. Point re lens is really about communication - what I think I am communicating vs what he discerns may be different and I want to be aware of my audience. So, as a friend I might choose my few words carefully so that I don't lead him to issue an invitation, but reply so as not to ignore. Like, Hi, on travel hope all is well. ... but for him that may say "I'm available but inconvenient at the moment" -- and that is unfair among other things. I have to think about it because his messages, in terms of content, are friend-like. Easy to reply in kind. But he doesn't send them when he is in relationship as best I can tell. So the pattern speaks to intention in a way his words do not. I think it's fine to send a polite response that does not invite further contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 12, 2018 Author Share Posted July 12, 2018 I think it's fine to send a polite response that does not invite further contact. I've done that in the past... Ultimately I sent On travel: trust everything is well with you - Didn't say where or why or duration and didnt require a reply... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 12, 2018 Author Share Posted July 12, 2018 Say Hi, on travel hope all is well...new bf and I are doing GREAT! Hope you are too! 'Nuff said! Made me laugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 14, 2018 Author Share Posted July 14, 2018 Most interesting convo with bf today. First off, hours by phone and I hate being on the phone but not this time. Interesting convo re pace of physical communication vis a vis our decade+ of verbal communication. We are used to physical being ahead of pace, soulful is slower to evolve if ever. For us, the physical is all good but relative to the friendship, its got some catching up to do. Kind of fun to be frontwards for once; its backwards relative to most of our experiences. Most importantly, wonderful to be able to address these topics, sensitive or even impossible for some, and easy for us -- except a challenge to articulate - easy in other respects. We are imperfect humans, and I am sure we each miss things about one another, but it does feel like an effective partnership and I remark again to myself... i am happy in it! My quiet voice? Sometimes, I feel older. I mean, I AM older. It will help me to learn not to judge or label, b7t to accept. Especially because often enough, he is the one with a more mature skill set. So. Bullocks on my critical voice. Protect! Do. Not. Sabotage! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 16, 2018 Author Share Posted July 16, 2018 So.... He says his divorce is still painful. This caused me pause when I heard it, which I ignored and didn't show. We were working out; it wasn't the time. Boils down to -- can we properly choose the next if the prior remains painful? I guess it depends upon the source of the pain? Failure? Hurting others? Letting go of the dream? And, whether choosing me is a salve to the pain or a broader choice. I sense the latter, but of course, sometimes we don't know. There always is risk... My guess, self-recrimination, the costs associated with his choices, and the pain of having to accept that some things are irrecoverable. When he wants to talk about it, I will bring it up. I do wonder if his sense of being reliable in his choices is evolving as he understands his pain? Trust... myself. I want to be able to include my young adults, and not risk including them in the dissolution of something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 When was his divorce final? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 17, 2018 Author Share Posted July 17, 2018 When was his divorce final? About two years... but just over a year since moving to a new home, which is not where he will settle but is a nice spot. Only a few months since helping her get settled into a new home that she bought. No kids. Great appreciation for the ex. Relationship needs were incompatible and irreconcilable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 17, 2018 Author Share Posted July 17, 2018 It seems to be more of a pain he carries with him, like the way some people die with regrets. I am not sure why we hold on to pain of any kind. A form of self-flaggelation, maybe, or honor (mistakenly expressed). What about the positive side of things? It isn't as if they were happy... He will talk more about his feelings eventually. I will understand then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 Did he help her with her new home out of guilt? It's a nice gesture and seemed to have kept him entwined with her to an extent that didn't let him move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 17, 2018 Author Share Posted July 17, 2018 Did he help her with her new home out of guilt? It's a nice gesture and seemed to have kept him entwined with her to an extent that didn't let him move on. I am not sure i can answer that accurately. I would say he helped as an act of friendship; she may have asked for him to review docs etc. He may feel a sense of responsibility. I am going to continue unabated. He and I talked about it; his words and his actions are consistent and decisive. And I like that we can talk about topics that challenge us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 I am not sure i can answer that accurately. I would say he helped as an act of friendship; she may have asked for him to review docs etc. He may feel a sense of responsibility. I am going to continue unabated. He and I talked about it; his words and his actions are consistent and decisive. And I like that we can talk about topics that challenge us. Yes- it sounds like you are still very much into him and wish to stay the course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 17, 2018 Author Share Posted July 17, 2018 Yes- it sounds like you are still very much into him and wish to stay the course. Yes. I thought about it, I checked my quiet voice, I raised it up to him. Its still where I want to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 18, 2018 Author Share Posted July 18, 2018 ...We get in the car to go out, and he is wrapped tightly. Its fine, nothing remarkable. Later in the evening he says, looking at me sincerely, "I don't ever want to take you for granted...." That is the dynamic that keeps me committed to showing up for this person. Sometimes he bugs me, sometimes I think, am I selling myself short? But this intention that he has, the self correction, the ability to remember what is most important --- that is worth more than so many other traits we use to choose a partner. And of course, it also means I must have been bugging him somehow. But he chose to move past it. Nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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