Obsessive thoughts over men

[rubys]

I was with a guy for three years until around six months ago. He was a classical musician and spent more than half of his time travelling around the world, and when he was home he was exhausted and always wanted to be back on tour.

 

I so deeply loved this man that I really believed it was all going to work out for us. I thought he’d get fed up of touring or decide that our relationship was more important so he’d rejiggle his plans to fit me in. I focussed on this fact for years and I really believed if he loved me like he said he did, he wouldn’t want to stay away from me much longer.

 

Unfortunately the anxiety about the situation, and the constant panic about the future took its toll on me and eventually we broke up. I was heart broken, but in some ways so relieved that I was no longer going to have to give up my life for a man.

 

I thought for years that I was always miserable and anxious and he helped me feel better, but the truth was that he was the cause of it all and I didn’t see it until we broke up.

 

So since then a couple of months ago I started dating someone casually, he was a really great guy, we got on very well, but he soon told me that his long term plans were to move away to another city like my ex.

 

I totally freaked out and ended it because I panicked about getting in to the same level of anxiety I was at before.

 

Since then, this guy and I have yo-yoed back and forth between each other, always talking about ‘would it work? Wouldn’t it work?’ And my personal thoughts ‘do I want it to work? Is this a rebound? Am I latching on to something that’s not right?’

 

So I haven’t seen him for a few weeks but we actively message every day, quite flirtily. I feel like I’m not in control at all and that I irrationality desperately need to hear from him, but I know he is still on tinder etc.

 

So basically, I cannot stop thinking about this new guy, like to obsessive levels, and I think it’s because I spent three years with my ex obsessing about how I needed to change to get our relationship to work, and how much I didn’t want to change.

 

The way my brain seems to function still is to totally fixate on a man (in this case, new date guy) and think about scenarios so much until I’m panicking and need his attention for ‘reassurance’.

 

I’m a very sensible, level headed person in all other aspects of my life. How do I get out of this obsessive mind frame that’s overshadowed me for nearly four years now, and change how I think about men?

[Wiseman2]

Agree he may be a rebound and that's where the angst may come from. It would be best not to zero in on relationships right now and instead focus on your new found freedom and date casually. Try not to date guys with escape loopholes and move on to guys with the potential to want what you want.

couple of months ago I started dating someone casually, he was a really great guy, we got on very well, but he soon told me that his long term plans were to move away to another city. but I know he is still on tinder etc.

[Cope]

Ah, that's why I warn my friends never to fall for musicians. We don't offer the white picket fence happy ending. Music is not a hobby or a job, it's a need. If a musician is forced in any way to leave their music, they will lose their selves. No one wants that. This of course extends to anything someone loves, but the lifestyle of a musician is hard even for themselves, let alone for the person that's home waiting for them.

 

To the main subject, you've already figured out that you were trying to change in order to form a good relationship with your ex and now with the new guy, you don't want to change and that's the right mindset to be in. Unfortunately, I can relate and that's the reason I don't want to get into a relationship now because I tend to lose myself.

 

How to get out of it? Therapy. I strongly recommend it.You need to find why you act like that. What have you been taught about relationships and men? You need to learn to love yourself and live for you. A good relationship is a bonus to your already happy life, not a goal.

 

Are you doing what you love? Do you have a fulfilling life? Good friends? Hobbies?

[RUNAWAYBAND]

I have so much respect for your story because it sounds like me. You are coming from a place of addiction. The fact that you get the cravings of needing this guy's attention and probably withdrawn and lose your mind when you go without it, means its bad for you. You need to be single for a while and work on your abundance.

Bring in an abundance of self-worth, self-love, light, happiness and so on. Then your mind will be clear, you will be at your happiest and you will think most clear!

 

Good luck with everything!

[Hollyj]

Very unhealthy. You should not be dating, as you seem to make your happiness about your partners. It should come from you.

 

Do you have friends or a social life, or does it always include your bfs?

 

I suggest you break up, and seek some therapy.