So I read my wife's texts and found this out...

[Unreasonable]

You brought the other guy's wife into this?

 

/facepalm

[homebod]

It was more of a 3-way thing than confidant. Nothing really not known to anyone was discussed. Do you guys think that was a mistake telling wife2? My wife had to clear the air with her to still remain friends (at least that seems like the right thing to do in my opinion).

[boltnrun]

Just please don't fall into the trap of becoming the other man's wife's confidante. Otherwise YOU will end up in the same situation that your wife was in, which, remember, upset you quite a bit.

[Pleasedonot5]

Nah, I think that you should send all the conversations to his wife right now, and tell your wife to cut all contact with him now or the marriage is in jeopardy.

 

She not only disrespects you, she currently has no respect for you. Change that with action (not words) -- it's the only thing that she'll take seriously.

[Unreasonable]

It was more of a 3-way thing than confidant. Nothing really not known to anyone was discussed. Do you guys think that was a mistake telling wife2? My wife had to clear the air with her to still remain friends (at least that seems like the right thing to do in my opinion).

Yes. You lost some leverage doing that. You only tell the other wife if YOUR wife tries to cut contact and the other guy doesn't back off. But it's too late now so whatever. I really think this was probably an unhealthy pairing and should be ended. Now it's just going to be weird state where things are nebulous. I hope it isn't, but that's what I imagine.

[Pleasedonot5]

It was more of a 3-way thing than confidant. Nothing really not known to anyone was discussed. Do you guys think that was a mistake telling wife2? My wife had to clear the air with her to still remain friends (at least that seems like the right thing to do in my opinion).

I think it was right of you to do that. Guy #2 is going to back off now. He now knows you'll act if he talks to your wife like that. He's in deep now.

[Minikimini]

It was more of a 3-way thing than confidant. Nothing really not known to anyone was discussed. Do you guys think that was a mistake telling wife2? My wife had to clear the air with her to still remain friends (at least that seems like the right thing to do in my opinion).

 

I agree with the approach you took.

 

Sunlight needs to be shining on everyone--no one here deserves to be in the dark about anything.

 

Her husband was attempting to machine an affair with your wife and his wife has a right to know that, so no, I don't think it was a mistake.

[homebod]

This is the thing that I think I haven't stressed enough. All of the "creeping" was going on by him....the gushy never-ending compliments, most of the initiating texts to get conversation going, even offering to meet her at a work dinner she was at because she was bored, his serious reply of "God Forbid" to an obvious tongue-in-cheek joke she made that I was trying to kill her, he even put out a feeler to see what she thought of older guys (couple2 is about 15yrs older than us) by making fun of himself as an old man he got her to say "you're not that old"...probably testing the waters to see if she'd be ok with the age gap. it just all adds up to a total manipulative creep that was stalking my wife. Yeah, my wife was definitely also wrong but if I were wife2 I would seriously be considering divorce or separation. I never showed her the actual texts but kinda dropped a hint that if she ever "needs" them to let me know.

[Wiseman2]

Actually your wife is driving it and enjoying it. Even after makeup sex, don't be foolish and think their flirting/texting is going to stop. It's not about him or his wife. Unfortunately they are victims in this crossfire between you and your wife and your sexual an marital problems. Flying monkeys in all the manipulations.

 

Interesting that you are concerned with their marriage yet you won't divorce your wife for her just as, if nor more, egregious behavior. Rather than using these people as a canvas for your marital/sexual issues, get to a marital counselor.

just all adds up to a total manipulative creep that was stalking my wife. I were wife2 I would seriously be considering divorce or separation.

[homebod]

Actually your wife is driving it and enjoying it. Even after makeup sex, don't be foolish and think their flirting/texting is going to stop. It's not about him or his wife. Unfortunately they are victims in this crossfire between you and your wife and your sexual an marital problems. Flying monkeys in all the manipulations.

 

Interesting that you are concerned with their marriage yet you won't divorce your wife for her just as, if nor more, egregious behavior. Rather than using these people as a canvas for your marital/sexual issues, get to a marital counselor.

 

I'm glad you brought this up because I'm not ruling out that there's a chance it couldn't continue somehow in the future. How would I know though? Would I be justified going through the phone again if I see a change in her behavior? Would it be ok asking wife2 to check his phone a month or two from now to look for any call logs from her work phone? I've thought about this and I'm going to resist being paranoid unless I see her attitude towards me change. Right now, at least these last couple days our relationship feels better than its been in years (not even just about the sex, everything feels better /communicaton, affection, etc.) The trajectory looks very positive as long as we both don't mess up.

[Cope]

I'm glad you brought this up because I'm not ruling out that there's a chance it couldn't continue somehow in the future. How would I know though? Would I be justified going through the phone again if I see a change in her behavior? Would it be ok asking wife2 to check his phone a month or two from now to look for any call logs from her work phone? I've thought about this and I'm going to resist being paranoid unless I see her attitude towards me change. Right now, at least these last couple days our relationship feels better than its been in years (not even just about the sex, everything feels better /communicaton, affection, etc.) The trajectory looks very positive as long as we both don't mess up.

 

So you chose to talk to Wife2 instead of your own wife and now if you ever have suspicions in the future, you will not talk directly to your wife again? Even when she took it pretty well? Why is that? Besides the sex problems, I'd focus on the communication ones.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds more like you want wife2 and are making excuses to talk to her, get her on your side, align with her, turn her against her husband, etc.. All this because you and your wife have dry spells, chronic conflict and communication problems. It's pretty clear since you'd rather get wife2 involved in your games than get marital therapy for yourself, your own wife or to save your own marriage..

asking wife2 to check his phone a month or two from now to look for any call logs from her work phone?

[Pleasedonot5]

Sounds more like you want wife2 and are making excuses to talk to her, get her on your side, align with her, turn her against her husband, etc.. All this because you and your wife have dry spells, chronic conflict and communication problems. It's pretty clear since you'd rather get wife2 involved in your games than get marital therapy for yourself, your own wife or to save your own marriage..

I respectfully disagree with you and Cope. While I think it's important for OP to now open lines of communication with his wife, I don't see any indication at all that OP wants wife 2.

 

Additionally, I don't think it was wrong for OP to make sure husband 2 knows he's on to him. Action is better than words, and all OP did was expose the truth to wife 2.

 

I agree that OP should not ask wife 2 to regularly check. I think it would be good for OP to find a way to ensure his wife is telling the truth and is cutting contact.

[homebod]

I respectfully disagree with you and Cope. While I think it's important for OP to now open lines of communication with his wife, I don't see any indication at all that OP wants wife 2.

 

Additionally, I don't think it was wrong for OP to make sure husband 2 knows he's on to him. Action is better than words, and all OP did was expose the truth to wife 2.

 

I agree that OP should not ask wife 2 to regularly check. I think it would be good for OP to find a way to ensure his wife is telling the truth and is cutting contact.

 

Yeah, Cope and Wiseman2 are way off. I appreciate the input but they're misreading the situation. You understand what's going on a little better. What I'm looking for is how to ensure I know if it ever does start up again. I doubt I'll come across any text proof if it ever does happen again. While it's fine to ask my wife to make sure, she might be oblivious to something he's doing/saying to try to rekindle their thing and pass it off as nothing, where it would actually be something to worry about. I obviously can't ask husband2 or know what he's up to.

[thealchemist]

Yeah, Cope and Wiseman2 are way off. I appreciate the input but they're misreading the situation. You understand what's going on a little better. What I'm looking for is how to ensure I know if it ever does start up again. I doubt I'll come across any text proof if it ever does happen again. While it's fine to ask my wife to make sure, she might be oblivious to something he's doing/saying to try to rekindle their thing and pass it off as nothing, where it would actually be something to worry about. I obviously can't ask husband2 or know what he's up to.

I have a different approach to resolving your issues...

 

Getting you and wife2 to play guard dogs to your respective spouses is inappropriate and even more important, ineffective.

 

You cannot police a spouse to fidelity. You also cannot be there all the time over their shoulder snooping.

 

I honestly agree with informing her(wife2) of this but I do feel that you are not looking at this wisely.

 

First of all, don't team up with wife2 and do this stuff. You are creating a relationship that is inappropriate. You shouldn't communicate behind your wife's back with this woman and act like you are on a "team" with her.

 

That is only creating a relationship that will act as an antithesis one to you and your wife's.

 

You told wife2 this now cut contact and leave them alone.

 

But your wife is JUST as much of the catalyst as he was. You are deluding yourself if you think it was mostly him and very little her. If he wasn't getting SOMETHING out of his antics he woild have stopped awhile ago.

 

So stop acting like it is mostly him. Your wife wouldn't insult you and build a close relationship with this guy if your marriage didn't have some major issues.

 

So there is only one thing to do, that is fix your marriage. It hasn't even started getting worked in yet, you only just became aware of the issues.

 

Having great sex also doesn't mean ANYTHING.

 

Do you know how many people get on here and have a big issue with their SO and then have great sex and think everything is ok, only to find out they were cheating on them? Or they get left a week later?

 

Sorry but the sex means nothing, and actually raises a few red flags to me personally given everything you have said.

 

A lot of people have great sex after accusing their SO of infidelity. That doesn't actually make a better case for her.

 

You two need to go to marriage counseling ASAP if you value this relationship.

 

If you cant even find the motivation to fix your issues what is the point?

[abitbroken]

This is the thing that I think I haven't stressed enough. All of the "creeping" was going on by him....the gushy never-ending compliments, most of the initiating texts to get conversation going, even offering to meet her at a work dinner she was at because she was bored, his serious reply of "God Forbid" to an obvious tongue-in-cheek joke she made that I was trying to kill her, he even put out a feeler to see what she thought of older guys (couple2 is about 15yrs older than us) by making fun of himself as an old man he got her to say "you're not that old"...probably testing the waters to see if she'd be ok with the age gap. it just all adds up to a total manipulative creep that was stalking my wife. Yeah, my wife was definitely also wrong but if I were wife2 I would seriously be considering divorce or separation. I never showed her the actual texts but kinda dropped a hint that if she ever "needs" them to let me know.

 

If the guy made an inappropriate text and she shut him down - yes, then its all him - but she continues/continued to entertain all these texts. Who is at fault? The banterer or the banteree? he may have been "creeping" but instead of being loyal to her husband, she threw him under the bus. And that is very telling - she is more concerned with entertaining husband2 and achieving favor than she is about her own husband. I purposefully *never* talk dirt about my guy to anyone. I have a very close female friend where if we were really at a crossroads, i might ask her for advice on how to approach things better but it would never be badmouthing him in the least. (she also has been married 15 years so its kind of like advice from the veteran lol) I would never complain.

 

I think its infinitely lame that her answer to this was to talk about ways in which her husband was handling the children that she didn't like - like he had something to fix because of this. either she has no room to talk because she is not the primary caregiver, or she tells him how she feels and NOT just because she has been caught bellyaching to another man. It is kind of emasculating when a woman tells all the guys' good buddies how lacking he is - as far as housework, job, but esepcially his role as a dad. Imagine if he was telling a woman about how his wife's body as changed after kids and is not as attractive to him, that she never wears makeup anymore or is a whiner.

[DancingFool]

Listen to alchemist pretty please. His advice above is golden.

 

You can't sweep under the rug that your marriage is on the rocks or the fact that your wife was actively engaging in all of this. No, it's not the other guy who is just slimy and sleazy. You've got to accept the fact that your wife was an equal and active participant and deal with that. A fight and make up sex are not going to resolve the deeper issues driving this.

 

As for wife2, good that you told her as well. This is a situation where nobody should be left in the dark. However, it stops here. You should not communicate with either of them anymore or in any way team up to police your respective spouses. In fact, all four of you should sever connection completely. Don't use your children as an excuse not to. Just because your children are friends or in the same activities, doesn't mean you need to be socializing as parents. Arm's length it immediately otherwise this is liable to turn into a daytime soap opera. You can't police grown adults anyway. The only thing you'll accomplish is drive yourself crazy and wreck what's left of your marriage.

 

Time to have some serious adult conversations about what's going on between you and yes, seek marital counseling. The disrespect was there long before this man came around and there will always be others. You have got to address your marital issues head on and do not stick your head in the sand and pretend that a few good days and some sex is some kind of magical cure. It isn't.

[Usa1ah]

Send a copy of his texts to your wife to his wife. Problem solved.

 

Man up and read No More Mr Nice Guy. Also read up on The 180.

 

Stop paying attention to your wifebe civil with her but that’s it. If she asks what’s up ask what do you mean. When she explains reply that the Ither husband kissed her ass so well that you don’t feel the need to do so anymore. Then hand her divorce papers. Explain that sense your such a poor ass husband she can have her freedom. Go for full custody in the divorce. This will show that you respect yourself and you will not tolerate what she is doing. You can always stop the divorce if she proves to be remorseful.

 

You have to blow up the other husband at the same time by sending his wife a copy of the text messages.

[Unreasonable]

I have a different approach to resolving your issues...

 

Getting you and wife2 to play guard dogs to your respective spouses is inappropriate and even more important, ineffective.

 

You cannot police a spouse to fidelity. You also cannot be there all the time over their shoulder snooping.

 

I honestly agree with informing her(wife2) of this but I do feel that you are not looking at this wisely.

 

First of all, don't team up with wife2 and do this stuff. You are creating a relationship that is inappropriate. You shouldn't communicate behind your wife's back with this woman and act like you are on a "team" with her.

 

That is only creating a relationship that will act as an antithesis one to you and your wife's.

 

You told wife2 this now cut contact and leave them alone.

 

But your wife is JUST as much of the catalyst as he was. You are deluding yourself if you think it was mostly him and very little her. If he wasn't getting SOMETHING out of his antics he woild have stopped awhile ago.

 

So stop acting like it is mostly him. Your wife wouldn't insult you and build a close relationship with this guy if your marriage didn't have some major issues.

 

So there is only one thing to do, that is fix your marriage. It hasn't even started getting worked in yet, you only just became aware of the issues.

 

Having great sex also doesn't mean ANYTHING.

 

Do you know how many people get on here and have a big issue with their SO and then have great sex and think everything is ok, only to find out they were cheating on them? Or they get left a week later?

 

Sorry but the sex means nothing, and actually raises a few red flags to me personally given everything you have said.

 

A lot of people have great sex after accusing their SO of infidelity. That doesn't actually make a better case for her.

 

You two need to go to marriage counseling ASAP if you value this relationship.

 

If you cant even find the motivation to fix your issues what is the point?

 

Agree 100%.

[thealchemist]

Send a copy of his texts to your wife to his wife. Problem solved.

 

Man up and read No More Mr Nice Guy. Also read up on The 180.

 

Stop paying attention to your wifebe civil with her but that’s it. If she asks what’s up ask what do you mean. When she explains reply that the Ither husband kissed her ass so well that you don’t feel the need to do so anymore. Then hand her divorce papers. Explain that sense your such a poor ass husband she can have her freedom. Go for full custody in the divorce. This will show that you respect yourself and you will not tolerate what she is doing. You can always stop the divorce if she proves to be remorseful.

 

You have to blow up the other husband at the same time by sending his wife a copy of the text messages.

I totally understand the mentality here but I honestly don't think that threatening divorce with a family and children involved is the best idea.

 

Trying to manipulate her by threatening divorce is a very round about way to attack the problem. I think directness is typically best.

 

It sounds like you want the OP to use the threat as a weapon to control her.

 

Why not just tell her that this is totally unacceptable and that she will need to go to marriage counseling with you to work on your marriage.

 

No issues then telling her that if she doesn't want to work on it then you will be filing divorce because you are not going to stay in a relationship with a woman who disrespects you.

 

But I find that giving a two choice option like that as opposed to threatening with ulterior motives is a more affective approach.

[homebod]

OP here. I will try to respond to the last page of posts as best I can.

 

You all make solid points. We can't police them. I'm def not teaming up with wife2, nor am I looking to start anything with her.

 

I do disagree with your last statement on motivation. Counseling is not mandatory to have motivation. We have it, and it's working for us now. The last few days have been a huge turnaround in our relationship (not just the sex). I know it's been a short time but the change is noticeable. We have not been this connected since my youngest was born 2 years ago.

 

I do blame both my wife and husband2 for inappropriate behavior. She knows it how wrong it was now and she apologized for it. However I think she was being more naive and careless in their texts (where he was more scheming/creeping like how he deleted the text history). and I never truly checked her on the badmouthing in the past (to mostly female coworkers and stuff). I bet husband2 downplayed and lied about the texts to wife2.

 

To those that say I should've sent wife2 all the texts, I'm still debating whether I should've done that. She didn't explicitly ask for them, just the nature of it. Just know that it will definitely get much worse for couple2's situation if I send them. The way I see it now is I still have some leverage left against husband2 if I leave it be.

 

 

Here's where I'm at now- As I mentioned our kids are in some of the same after school activities. We were supposed to be somewhere last night where husband2 was with his kid. My wife skipped it. how do we handle that going forward? It's going to be very awkward. It would be impossible to ignore him forever. The activity my son is in is not something he's in love with so it might be fine canceling it, but we can't do that forever with every sport/activity. I was going to tell my wife it's fine if we (or even her by herself) go but please keep conversation to a minimum. (To be honest, I would rather cut off all contact with him but it's not possible)

 

 

Also, I do think all the talk of divorce/divorce threats/implication is thrown around a little too loosely on this forum.

[HealingLight]

I haven't been able to read any of the responses beyond the first page yet.

 

But you need to save all of these text convos and consult with an attorney. Your wife does not respect you and you need to start preparing for the worst. On top of this, she has a history of cheating. Shore up your legal front first before you have any kind of confrontation with your wife.

[Usa1ah]

I totally understand the mentality here but I honestly don't think that threatening divorce with a family and children involved is the best idea.

 

Trying to manipulate her by threatening divorce is a very round about way to attack the problem. I think directness is typically best.

 

It sounds like you want the OP to use the threat as a weapon to control her.

 

Why not just tell her that this is totally unacceptable and that she will need to go to marriage counseling with you to work on your marriage.

 

No issues then telling her that if she doesn't want to work on it then you will be filing divorce because you are not going to stay in a relationship with a woman who disrespects you.

 

But I find that giving a two choice option like that as opposed to threatening with ulterior motives is a more affective approach.

 

Who’s threatening? I mean go through with it if she continues her emotional affair.

[Usa1ah]

OP here. I will try to respond to the last page of posts as best I can.

 

You all make solid points. We can't police them. I'm def not teaming up with wife2, nor am I looking to start anything with her.

 

I do disagree with your last statement on motivation. Counseling is not mandatory to have motivation. We have it, and it's working for us now. The last few days have been a huge turnaround in our relationship (not just the sex). I know it's been a short time but the change is noticeable. We have not been this connected since my youngest was born 2 years ago.

 

I do blame both my wife and husband2 for inappropriate behavior. She knows it how wrong it was now and she apologized for it. However I think she was being more naive and careless in their texts (where he was more scheming/creeping like how he deleted the text history). and I never truly checked her on the badmouthing in the past (to mostly female coworkers and stuff). I bet husband2 downplayed and lied about the texts to wife2.

 

To those that say I should've sent wife2 all the texts, I'm still debating whether I should've done that. She didn't explicitly ask for them, just the nature of it. Just know that it will definitely get much worse for couple2's situation if I send them. The way I see it now is I still have some leverage left against husband2 if I leave it be.

 

 

Here's where I'm at now- As I mentioned our kids are in some of the same after school activities. We were supposed to be somewhere last night where husband2 was with his kid. My wife skipped it. how do we handle that going forward? It's going to be very awkward. It would be impossible to ignore him forever. The activity my son is in is not something he's in love with so it might be fine canceling it, but we can't do that forever with every sport/activity. I was going to tell my wife it's fine if we (or even her by herself) go but please keep conversation to a minimum. (To be honest, I would rather cut off all contact with him but it's not possible)

 

 

Also, I do think all the talk of divorce/divorce threats/implication is thrown around a little too loosely on this forum.

 

You do understand she was having an emotional affair?

 

Never threaten divorce ever. You file for divorce then if she proves remorseful and stops ALL contact with the OM you can stop.

 

Here is your first mistake, you have to stop all contact. It doesn’t matter what it looks like or feels. If you allow contact it will start up again. It’s just a matter of time.

 

Doesn’t the OM’s wife have the right to see what her husband was telling your wife?

 

If your wife is so faithful now, why do you need the messages as leverage against the OM.

[Wiseman2]

Keep this other couple out of your lives altogether. Stop aligning with wife2. There is no way you can "sense" or police or prevent further cheating unless you and your wife cut ties with these people and get into marriage therapy to address all the issues that are causing this contempt, unraveling of your trust and marriage, etc.