Asking a loved one for favors/help - Advice needed

[flexxneffex]

Hi,

 

Need a bit of advice.

 

I'm in an LDR with my SO. When she asks for help or favors, I will always provide or assist her, even if it is an inconvenience or burden to myself.

 

She is very limited (by finance and distance) with what she can help me with, and always feels bad that she cannot do more.

 

Recently, I've needed help doing some work on a web based site that we both have access to. I asked her if she could do me a favor to log on and complete a form for me, and also submit it. She agreed to submitting it for me (had to be done a certain time and I had no web access) however she refused to fill out the form, saying it's inconvenient for her.

 

She doesn't work, so has alot of time on her hands, so it really hurts to think that when she finally has a chance to help me with something she is capable of doing, she isn't willing to do so.

 

I even asked her a second time very nicely, and she said she couldn't believe my audacity.

 

Are my expectations unreasonable, and is this a sign that I am not important enough to her in doing this favor for me?

 

Thanks for any responses.

 

EDIT: Just want to mention that the form would take about 15-20 minutes of time to do, and that she has the information to do this. She is also aware of how important it is to me.

[j.man]

In what ways are you "assisting" her? How are you burdening yourself?

 

If lady doesn't want to fill out a form, she doesn't want to fill out a form. It's not her responsibility. I mean, depnding on the sensitivity of the information and the importance of accuracy, I'd probably take the 20 minutes and fill it out if asked while I was available, but, at the end of the day, I wouldn't owe it to her. And if she were doing me favors with the expectation I did owe her for it, I'd tell her real fast to stop doing me favors.

 

Basically, there's nothing wrong if your desired relationship dynamic involves gladly doing each other these sorts of favors simply for the sake of helping each other out. But it's a completely different thing if you're doing things for her with the expectation of a payback in some form or another. That's needlessly transactionalizing a relationship.

[flexxneffex]

In what ways are you "assisting" her? How are you burdening yourself?

 

If lady doesn't want to fill out a form, she doesn't want to fill out a form. It's not her responsibility. I mean, depnding on the sensitivity of the information and the importance of accuracy, I'd probably take the 20 minutes and fill it out if asked while I was available, but, at the end of the day, I wouldn't owe it to her. And if she were doing me favors with the expectation I did owe her for it, I'd tell her real fast to stop doing me favors.

 

Basically, there's nothing wrong if your desired relationship dynamic involves gladly doing each other these sorts of favors simply for the sake of helping each other out. But it's a completely different thing if you're doing things for her with the expectation of a payback in some form or another. That's needlessly transactionalizing a relationship.

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for your input.

 

I assist and help her with mundane things (like helping her clean her house, move furniture, take her grocery shopping) and also financially (she really needed a new dresser but had no money, ect)

 

The form in question isn't sensitive, and it's more important to me than being important in general.

 

I am not expecting payback for what I do for her, but I am perplexed at her refusal since she always says she feel bad about not being able to help me in most ways.

 

This is one way she could help me, yet isn't taking that opportunity.

 

I am wondering if I am overthinking this as a sign that she does not care for me as much as she says she does. If the situation was reversed, I would do it for her in a heartbeat.

 

Maybe my problem is I'm expecting her to behave and act like I would?

[Wiseman2]

You are from different cultures in different countries and she can't get a visa to move to you, correct? Perhaps she could do things for you without your asking specifically for a particular task at a particular time in a particular time frame?

[maew]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your input.

 

I assist and help her with mundane things (like helping her clean her house, move furniture, take her grocery shopping) and also financially (she really needed a new dresser but had no money, ect)

 

The form in question isn't sensitive, and it's more important to me than being important in general.

 

I am not expecting payback for what I do for her, but I am perplexed at her refusal since she always says she feel bad about not being able to help me in most ways.

 

This is one way she could help me, yet isn't taking that opportunity.

 

I am wondering if I am overthinking this as a sign that she does not care for me as much as she says she does. If the situation was reversed, I would do it for her in a heartbeat.

 

Maybe my problem is I'm expecting her to behave and act like I would?

 

I think the problem is as jman says... you seem to be doing things for her based on the condition that she return the favor, and you are now disappointed because your expectations weren't met. If you look at it objectively, does it seem reasonable to assume that she doesn't care for you if she doesn't fill in a form as a favor to you? If this is what you believe, I am guessing there is something else she is doing that is causing you to feel this way, as to me it seems unrealistic that you would base her feelings for you on one single form.

[Minikimini]

 

The form in question isn't sensitive, and it's more important to me than being important in general.

 

Then you need to block out some time and handle this--like when you'd normally be using the time texting her or talking to her on the phone. She's already told you she doesn't want to do it.

 

I am wondering if I am overthinking this as a sign that she does not care for me as much as she says she does. If the situation was reversed, I would do it for her in a heartbeat.

 

But that's you. Maybe the issue with her is that she's not as invested in you as you are in her?

 

Maybe my problem is I'm expecting her to behave and act like I would?

 

Expectations are future resentments under construction.

[flexxneffex]

Thank you all for the replies. This is exactly why I asked here, to have some 3rd party insight/opinions on if I was overthinking or having unrealistic expectations from the relationship. I don't want a for tat relationship, so I will be more understanding.

 

For Wiseman: We are in different countries but same time zone. Visa interview is in 3 weeks.

[itsallgrand]

Why doesn't she work?

 

Maybe things are out of balance and you are doing too much for her that she can do herself if she tries? It shouldn't be burdening yourself.

[MissCanuck]

I think this episode reflects a larger undertone of imbalance between you, if I'm interpreting this correctly.

 

You feel you do a lot for her. You also feel she doesn't extend a hand when you need a favour. Does this sort of thing happen a lot? I am guessing this is not an isolated incident.

 

Why doesn't she work?

[boltnrun]

How do you clean her house for her when she lives in another country?

 

Why can't she clean her own house?

 

What is preventing her from working? How does she pay for basic living expenses? Do you support her financially? If so, why?