Ex g/f melting my head!

[bluecastle]

I agree overall it was good that she said that, even though it made me feel like absolute crap for a day or two! On the flip side, it’s a bit sad that that’s what she’s felt is good entertainment for her! I’m definitely down about the whole thing but I do have good friends and family to talk to for support and am making plenty of plans to keep myself going.

 

The more I think about, the more I realise that the relationship in general did not offer me everything I needed, emotionally and intellectually. I’m just trying to hold on to that thought until I come through the other side.

 

It is amazing how similar are situations are. While I'm sure a lot of the pain you feel right now is simply connected to the loss of the person, I wonder if part of it is connected to exactly what you just said: the realization that someone you were so invested in was not providing you what you needed, emotionally and intellectually.

 

Take her petty reach-outs: you want them to mean more, something deeper than bored impulsiveness, because what you need is someone who acts on a higher level than bored impulsiveness. And you still want that person to be her, for your investment to pay off.

 

I've been spinning around a version of this carousel for months. I'm in a version of it as I write this sentence. It's often easier for me to make excuses for her terrible behavior since the breakup than it is to just say: this is who she is right now, maybe who she's always been; this is what I invested in. The head spins!

 

What I do for my own sanity is try to see it from a different angle: that my investment paid off my showing me more of what it is I really need. That makes me grateful for the relationship, and even the person, while also letting it all go so I can make space to get those needs filled elsewhere—by myself and, eventually, with someone else.

 

Hang in there. Sorry you're feeling down.

[steveng]

That's a good way to look at it, she has done me a great service by showing me the extra things that I need in a relationship that we didn't have. Someone to have a proper conversation with, some intelligent debate and interesting experiences. We had a very physical relationship a lot of the time, which I do feel is very important, and obviously miss a lot, but a life together needs so much more. That's not to say she isn't a smart girl, she is very intelligent, has a good job, etc. but perhaps we don't have much in common on that level after all.

 

I've been chatting to some friends and family over the weekend and it kind of looks like not too many of them thought we were particularly compatible!! This is a bit hard to take when I'm sitting here contemplating the loss of the person I thought I would spend many many years with, but it also somehow makes it a tiny bit easier to deal with. Of course, it also adds another factor into the confusion if I/we were to contemplate getting back together!

[bluecastle]

You're externalizing my inner monologue. My relationship was quite physical, meaning not just the obvious but, generally speaking, just an awesome tactile, wordless bond that was special and intoxicating. And man do I miss it! Of course, I've had it before her and know I will have it again. Hell, like you, I've gotten a handful of breadcrumbs that lead me to think I could have a taste of it again, if I jumped through the right hoops and kept my true wings clipped. But I've done that in the past too, and it doesn't bring much in the long run.

 

Not a single friend or family member has expressed anything but relief in my situation. And who am I kidding? I had those questions all along. Still, it's hard, right? Because it makes you have to ask a lot of questions about yourself, about why you committed to what you committed to, about what inside you may have been hiding from yourself. Me, those are the things I'm working on understanding because I know they're what I want, and need, to share in a relationship that can really go the distance.

[steveng]

You're not wrong, tough doesn't really cover it sometimes! Thinking back rationally, I wonder why I "settled" for someone I knew subconsciously to begin with was the wrong person for me! So why is that, now, I would consider "settling" again?! Makes no sense at all! I suppose the heart isn't as rational and logical as the brain. My brain has a lot of good info about why I shouldn't be bothered and why this is the best thing that could have happened! My heart just says, "Shut up, brain!!"

[bluecastle]

And sometimes we confuse the "heart" for some more primal needs and organs.

 

Maybe you "settled" because settling down is something that excites you. I know it does me, after years of running around, and it was that excitement that really made me fight for my relationship. Infidelity? Being treated like total trash toward the end? Not always having a whole lot to talk about on a deep level? No biggie! We could get through it, fight the fire together, laughing and you know what along the way.

 

It was a good story, one I'm still hanging onto by a thread, but I mostly get that it's a story I'll write together with someone else, with a lot less bs and a lot more common ground.

 

But for what it's worth, even while hanging onto that illusory thread, I've only made choices that serve my own happiness. I've traveled the world, reengaged with work, surfed in a beautiful country, rode motorcycles through another, reconnected with friends, and, as I type, relocated to a new city for the summer. Some of that's running from discomfort, I know, but a lot of it has reminded me of my own power and what I won't "settle" for in the name of settling down.

 

THIS story, the one I'm living, is so good I just won't budge from it. If my ex wants to surprise me and show up in a way that feels right—great! The universe is full of surprises. In the meantime, I just keep playing and refining my own game so I'll know when I have a worthy partner.

[steveng]

Roll on the next chapter of our respective stories, I bet they'll be great!! If I didn't have kids here where I am, I would undoubtedly relocate, more as a fresh start rather than running away from anything. I took a trip shortly after the split and that felt more like running away and the newfound distance was more a problem than a help. I didn't really enjoy that trip, so I'm going again next week to do just that! I'm a keen motorcyclist myself and it's always been my way to clear my head, nothing like it. Except when you realise, 'Hang on, I'm here inside my helmet with only my thoughts!' That's faded though because there truly is nothing like it!

[bluecastle]

The kindred spirit keeps getting more, uh, kindreder.

 

First thing I did after the split was get on my bike and ride 600 miles with one stop. Lo and behold, that didn't work the way it did in the past, even when I posted some Instagram photos making it seem like I was having a great time. So, digging deep into my own bs coping mechanisms, I flew to the other side of the planet and rented a bike and took off. And, like you, that didn't help. Truth is, I kind of broke down over there in Asia in a profound way. It was like the world was telling me: dude, stop the running. FEEL the pain, this pain and other buried pain, and only THEN will you be able to enjoy any of this. So, yeah, I basically sat in a tiny apartment in the most foreign of countries and wept for three days and I've got no shame in admitting it.

 

Then I got back on the bike and...something had shifted. Not quite sure what, but whatever it is it's what I've been listening to loudest. Sounds like you're on a similar path.

[steveng]

Ordinarily that seems like it'd be a great trip! I'm in Ireland so I don't have quite that far I can go!! There must be some kind of motorcycle trip analogy that would be appropriate here?!