It feels like an arranged marriage!

[mistabrown]

I got together with my partner after she got her pregnant very early on in the relationship. She isn’t from the UK and was here as a student but decided to stay and give it a go with me as she had always wanted to be a mother and I had always wanted to be a father.

 

We have built a life together, bought a house, got married, had another kid and have been living as family for the last six years.

 

The problem is it has always felt to me like an arranged marriage (although a fairly successful one). I don’t feel we have a ‘spark’ or connect though, we never laugh together (usually sperately), I don’t enjoy her company massively if I am honest, I feel like we are just too different. There is a number of years between us, plus we come from different cultures. Her English isn’t amazing and my attempt to learn her language pretty lame, we can’t share the little nuances together when speaking. I love her, but I am not in love with her. I feel like I didn’t chose to with her, life chose us.

 

Generally speaking our family life is good and reasonably healthy (I think). Our kids keep us busy and are happy and feel loved. If I was to leave her I know she instantly leave the UK to return home and take the kids with her. We would all be miserable and heart broken and I would end up being a Skype Dad. Being a Dad is THE greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Losing it would be devastating. And there is no guarantee I would meet the ‘love of my life’ afterwards.

 

There is a line in a song I heard once "sometimes in Life you get what you need, but not what you want". I feel this sums up my situation. I needed to be a Dad and have a family, before all of it I was very lonely for a long time and felt there was nothing good in my life. It in some ways I was given a gift.

 

But despite all of this I have a heavy heart, I know I am not in love with wife and I never will be.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you never learned to be a romantic couple. Just jumped straight to co-parenting. Are you thinking of cheating? Usually these thoughts happen when a new coworker or friend or someone appears. You are even envisioning being a skype dad and divorcing.

 

You may see her as a sort of child-bearer and not as a romantic partner, because that's what you both wanted and went straight into. However you need to start dating again. Yes, acting like a couple. That means babysitters, date nights, alone time away from kids, etc. Unless there is someone else and you just want out but are afraid of losing your kids.

We have built a life together, bought a house, got married, had another kid and have been living as family for the last six years. Her English isn’t amazing and my attempt to learn her language pretty lame, we can’t share the little nuances together when speaking. I love her, but I am not in love with her.

[Hollyj]

" I feel like I didn’t chose to with her, life chose us." I don't understand this?

[DanZee]

Well, you know, after six years with two kids, any marriage loses its romantic spark and shifts into family gear where you devote yourself to raising your kids and supporting your wife. In fact, it seems like you're happier than most husbands at this point in your life. If you want more romance in your life, then why not do some romantic things. It wouldn't take much. Have pizza by candlelight after the kids are asleep. Take a shower together. Drink a glass of wine and go outside to look at the stars for a few minutes. Bring home some flowers or a gift of jewelry. A romantic spark doesn't just happen. You have to make it happen. So snap out of your funk and create a little romance.

[DancingFool]

Sounds a bit like you got what you need and want too quickly and easily and now you don't quite appreciate the good life that you have.

 

Anyway, your complaints are pretty typical of parents raising young kids - it's hard to maintain or build an intimate/emotional connection with your partner when the little ones are taking up so much of the both of you, in terms of time and mental, emotional, and intellectual energy. Regardless, totally agree with DanZee that you need to take the time and make the effort to connect with each other more. Romance doesn't just happen - you have to make it happen. That does mean setting the children aside on a regular basis and making a point of having some adult time and building that connection between you two. Finding some hobby you can share, an interest, bringing back date nights, a weekend away here and there, having some adult friends over if that floats your boat, etc. It's critical to the health of ANY marriage. Without making yourself do those things, you will start to feel like strangers, like two roommates just busy raising kids. The way you are feeling is truly not unique, but fixable. Intimacy (not even talking about sex here, but rather that connection between two people) is something you have to build and maintain kind of like a flower in the garden - if you don't water it and tend to it, it will die. At the moment, yours is wilting - time for some serious maintenance.