Guaging interest online

[Batya33]

I think in some ways I can be quite perceptive, I’m learning to trust my gut more rather than second guess myself and give the benefit of the doubt multiple times

 

Yes, I was able to do that as far as choosing whether to date him when we met in person - a negative gut feeling before meeting was a dealbreaker. A positive one was nice but almost irrelevant until we met. I could not agree with Catfeeder more.

[catfeeder]

I think it’s a good way for me to get some measure of whether they meet basic requirements and try weed out the weirdos. Personally I have picked up on some things via messages that I might not have noticed in person.

 

Good. You're seeing the practical need to screen, and both your app and messages are good tools for that. However, in terms of trying to cultivate 'attraction' through messaging? Consider that to be a form of fantasy building, which can really work against you because it has very little to do with who either of you actually are.

 

You're talking about total strangers you haven't met. While I can understand not wanting to turn off people by being rude and ruining your chances of meeting, consider being kind and accurate while inviting them to meet, and then you can focus your time ONLY on the guys who actually attract you from there.

 

What’s the idea when meeting? Just to see if there is mutual interest to meet again?

 

Yes. Think of it as finding a needle in a haystack or a person who is carrying a puzzle piece that matches your own. If the match doesn't work--for any reason--that's not a reflection on either of you. Bad matches just mean that you've met someone who doesn't inspire you, or visa versa.

 

The goal is to find someone you hit it off with and feel comfortable around yet attracted to. You can't do that through messaging, and the reason I caution about that is because it's easy to build illusions about people online--and then to fall 'in love ' with those illusions. That's got zero to do with another person beyond how well they can build a fantasy with you.

 

Skip that, shoot for the real thing--even though more matches don't work out than do. Most people are NOT our match. That's not a bad thing. It just means that avoiding a premature investment in strangers leaves you with more energy to keep meeting people until you find someone who is WORTH your investment.

 

Head high.

[Coolstorybro]

If you're not getting lots of messages, join a different site or deactivate you account and reactivate in a few weeks.

 

Or change your profile and update pics.

 

On average, women typically get so many responses, no need to message men first and men know this too.

 

So when they receive a message from a woman first, they think "hmm must be something wrong with her if she's messaging me first."

 

That's the mentality of many men on line.

 

Guy I am dating now I met on line, he's been on line (off and on) for years and he admiited that to me!

There are so many ways to take your advice but it seems to mostly advocate sitting on your a** waiting for attention.

[katrina1980]

There are so many ways to take your advice but it seems to mostly advocate sitting on your a** waiting for attention.

 

Not "waiting" for anything dude, I (and many women) *do* gets lots of attention on line, not gonna deny that.

 

Unfortunately much of it is "unwanted" attention (won't get into that), but every once in awhile, I will receive a message that picques my interest and when that happens, I give my own fair share of attention right back!

[thornz]

Good. You're seeing the practical need to screen, and both your app and messages are good tools for that. However, in terms of trying to cultivate 'attraction' through messaging? Consider that to be a form of fantasy building, which can really work against you because it has very little to do with who either of you actually are.

 

You're talking about total strangers you haven't met. While I can understand not wanting to turn off people by being rude and ruining your chances of meeting, consider being kind and accurate while inviting them to meet, and then you can focus your time ONLY on the guys who actually attract you from there.

 

 

 

Yes. Think of it as finding a needle in a haystack or a person who is carrying a puzzle piece that matches your own. If the match doesn't work--for any reason--that's not a reflection on either of you. Bad matches just mean that you've met someone who doesn't inspire you, or visa versa.

 

The goal is to find someone you hit it off with and feel comfortable around yet attracted to. You can't do that through messaging, and the reason I caution about that is because it's easy to build illusions about people online--and then to fall 'in love ' with those illusions. That's got zero to do with another person beyond how well they can build a fantasy with you.

 

Skip that, shoot for the real thing--even though more matches don't work out than do. Most people are NOT our match. That's not a bad thing. It just means that avoiding a premature investment in strangers leaves you with more energy to keep meeting people until you find someone who is WORTH your investment.

 

Head high.

 

Yes I have been burned by the illusion building before so I’m very aware of that and have a time limit of around 2 weeks (give or take depending on the depth and frequency of messaging) to meet. I also have a minimum of 3 days because I need to ensure the minimum requirements are met.

 

A good example would be that I found out a guy I was talking to had no vehicle even though it said on his profile he enjoyed motorcycling. That put him out of the picture for me as I am massively into cars and Motorsport (and motorbikes to a lesser extent). Turns out he enjoyed spectating! Saved me a wasted meeting to find that out beforehand.

 

I would say my attitude to meeting would be the same as an interview (not the loads of relentless questions part) in that I am more concerned with finding if it’s a good company to work for and if they offer what I feel I want and deserve as an employee, than how to impress this company so they make me an offer.

 

I might find he’s not at all what I’m looking for and even if he seems to be exactly right, there aware always other men available if he chooses not to “make me an offer” lol

 

I love this site and all the advice you guys give. It’s really helping me shape my thought processes into a healthy mind set 😘

[katrina1980]

@thornz, please don't feel that you have to defend what's most comfortable "for you."

 

I understand exactly how you feel about it, as do many others; it's not at all uncommon to want to chat for a few days prior, whether it's to develop a bit of a rapport (like I do), or weed out the undesirables (also like I do as well as many others).

 

It has nothing to do with building illusions or a false intimacy, unless you're choosing to text for many weeks or months prior to meeting.

 

But a few days to a week? Perfectly understandable and even necessary, saves a lot of time and energy expended in taking the time to meet, sit and chat with a stranger over coffee, realizing he's not a good fit, when it could have easily been avoided by chatting a bit on line prior.

 

I've only been OLDing a very short while, and as I said in previous post, before I met the man I am dating now, I must have chatted with at last 15 guys, maybe more didn't count, exchanged messages for a day, up to 3 days, and realized they just weren't for me, a good fit

 

The man I'm dating now, we chatted for two weeks, had developed such a great rapport, and felt so comfortable, that when we finally met, it felt like meeting an old friend, except for we discovered we had a great chemistry and are still dating!

 

I can't even imagine meeting a strange man from on line with whom I had not developed at least a bit of a rapport. Super awkward and uncomfortable, and guarantee that for me, as a result nothing much would have happened.

 

I get that meeting immediately works for many others, but it's not for everyone, and I am glad you are exploring this and discovering what works best "for you."

[Batya33]

There are so many ways to take your advice but it seems to mostly advocate sitting on your a** waiting for attention.

 

I think this perpetuates the - to me inaccurate- view of interacting online as part of "dating." To me, dating was what happened after a first meet. Interacting online with strangers had nothing to do with whether we found each other attractive in any meaningful way. I might find someone's photo attractive and I might find the way he wrote appealing or his voice on the phone but it had almost nothing if not nothing to do with in person chemistry and interactions that were relevant to whether we'd ever actually go on a first date after a first meet. So who messages first is irrelevant because it has nothing to do with dating, gender, attraction etc. Yes, I got lots of attention on line - some unwanted. Yes I messaged men because I wanted to have some control over the initial choice because I was online to find a spouse. Had I been online for a more casual reason or if it was less time sensitive I likely wouldn't have contacted as many men because it wouldn't have been worth the time it took to search and select.

[catfeeder]

Yes I have been burned by the illusion building before so I’m very aware of that and have a time limit of around 2 weeks (give or take depending on the depth and frequency of messaging) to meet. I also have a minimum of 3 days because I need to ensure the minimum requirements are met.

 

A good example would be that I found out a guy I was talking to had no vehicle even though it said on his profile he enjoyed motorcycling. That put him out of the picture for me as I am massively into cars and Motorsport (and motorbikes to a lesser extent). Turns out he enjoyed spectating! Saved me a wasted meeting to find that out beforehand.

 

I would say my attitude to meeting would be the same as an interview (not the loads of relentless questions part) in that I am more concerned with finding if it’s a good company to work for and if they offer what I feel I want and deserve as an employee, than how to impress this company so they make me an offer.

 

I might find he’s not at all what I’m looking for and even if he seems to be exactly right, there aware always other men available if he chooses not to “make me an offer” lol

 

I love this site and all the advice you guys give. It’s really helping me shape my thought processes into a healthy mind set 😘

 

Good! I'm not trying to discourage you away from using messaging for smart and useful purposes. I'm trying to encourage you become less self conscious about interpreting another's messaging as a reflection on their attraction to you.

 

They don't know you yet.

 

They find your photos attractive enough to engage with you in the first place. They may hate messaging. They may suck at it. I'm trying to tell you that this does not translate into meaning that YOU suck at it.

 

When you sense that someone has grown bored of messaging you can internalize that to your detriment, or you can decide whether you've learned enough about them already to set up a quick meet, or you can decide that you have not learned enough about them to want to meet them--and let them fall away unless and until they might decide to put their focus back on you again.

 

But trying harder to message 'better' makes no sense. Either someone is meet material, or they are not. They might be perfectly great people who are not so great with a keypad--or interested in it.

 

You get to pick whether that must matter to you, and I'm encouraging you to avoid internalizing a lack of interest in messaging as relevant to the impression YOU have made. Too many variables in the human experience to view messaging as indicative of anything beyond messaging. Period.

 

Head high, and don't project unnecessary hardship onto OLD. Keep it light, keep it enjoyable, and if you need a break from it, take a break instead of spinning yourself into discouragement. Come back refreshed--and keep it in perspective.

[lostandhurt]

There are a lot or men that go out of their way to be different than the tons of men that throw compliments at women hoping to get a date or in their pants. This guy doesn't feel the need or isn't feeling it and that is why an in person meet as soon as possible is best.

You should be able to read the guy pretty quickly by his actions during the meet.

 

Remember some people are great online but duds in person and vice versa. This guy may not do all that well typing his thoughts out but in person he is much more personable. You were interested enough to send him a message so 20 minutes for coffee shouldn't be a stretch right?

 

Lost

[thorough]

The key to ruling out time-wasters, pen-pals, etc. is to message briefly and proceed to meeting for coffee/whatever asap. Definitely avoid trying to build rapport/a relationship before meeting by worrying about message content or intervals. Essays and not moving to meet up are red flags of a weirdo/time-waster.... Edit: or constipation according to j.man, lol.

 

I agree, very easy to tell if someone is interested. If a date doesn't happen w/in a week or 2 there isn't interest. Going by his slow responses, I would say he isn't all that interested.

[purplepaisley]

I think there has to be a fair degree of compartmentalizing. I do agree that with online meeting through the date app, some texting needs to occur, see how it goes, build rapport. Words and texting style/attitude can say a lot. The thing is, what happens on text may not happen in person, and I, personally, don't see it as a waste of time to schedule coffee or drink, provided you aren't completely turned off by this guy...you might have even exchanged numbers for a phone call as well. If you think this guy is the best and you're itching to meet, he feels like the one, yada, yada, you have to compartmentalize that because you honestly don't know how things will play out in person. If you walk in to meet someone who was so-so on the app (you're not sure), you might be pleasantly surprised...or he's a dud. I do think it's important to schedule an in-person meet ASAP, like within a week or two. If their lifestyle is that busy they can't meet (preview of your future), or they are perpetual texters and penpals (or frauds and catfishers as the case may be), this is the litmus test.

 

For the OP, the guy is quite lackadaisical and while you might be open to meeting, just to see, just in case, I don't see this as a worthy prospect. What I'm wondering is, why didn't you nail down a time when he presented the date? He chose the day and the venue, and you responded with "text me for a date." Um, the date was asked. Why not say, "Text me and we can discuss time. I'm thinking 7."? In discussion with a couple online guys I have met about women on the app and in reading here, men will drop the ball if there is no expressed interest. They're tired of "being burned" and stood up, led on, and canceled out on at the last minute, so when a woman behaves in an aloof manner, they simply fall back on texting again. Is there a reason you haven't brought up the date? "So we're planning Zee's on Saturday. What time? I'm thinking 7?" Is it that wrong or bad for you (general you, me, anyone) to take some initiative after the ask and bring it up? Granted, the fact HE didn't bring it up gives me pause, especially after his seemingly selfish style, so who knows, but I'm kind of wondering why you aren't taking the lead a little bit. I mean, this is your life and your evening, and you should actively plan it, plus it gives the guy a hint you're looking forward to meeting.

[Batya33]

I think there has to be a fair degree of compartmentalizing. I do agree that with online meeting through the date app, some texting needs to occur, see how it goes, build rapport. Words and texting style/attitude can say a lot. The thing is, what happens on text may not happen in person, and I, personally, don't see it as a waste of time to schedule coffee or drink, provided you aren't completely turned off by this guy...you might have even exchanged numbers for a phone call as well. If you think this guy is the best and you're itching to meet, he feels like the one, yada, yada, you have to compartmentalize that because you honestly don't know how things will play out in person. If you walk in to meet someone who was so-so on the app (you're not sure), you might be pleasantly surprised...or he's a dud. I do think it's important to schedule an in-person meet ASAP, like within a week or two. If their lifestyle is that busy they can't meet (preview of your future), or they are perpetual texters and penpals (or frauds and catfishers as the case may be), this is the litmus test.

 

For the OP, the guy is quite lackadaisical and while you might be open to meeting, just to see, just in case, I don't see this as a worthy prospect. What I'm wondering is, why didn't you nail down a time when he presented the date? He chose the day and the venue, and you responded with "text me for a date." Um, the date was asked. Why not say, "Text me and we can discuss time. I'm thinking 7."? In discussion with a couple online guys I have met about women on the app and in reading here, men will drop the ball if there is no expressed interest. They're tired of "being burned" and stood up, led on, and canceled out on at the last minute, so when a woman behaves in an aloof manner, they simply fall back on texting again. Is there a reason you haven't brought up the date? "So we're planning Zee's on Saturday. What time? I'm thinking 7?" Is it that wrong or bad for you (general you, me, anyone) to take some initiative after the ask and bring it up? Granted, the fact HE didn't bring it up gives me pause, especially after his seemingly selfish style, so who knows, but I'm kind of wondering why you aren't taking the lead a little bit. I mean, this is your life and your evening, and you should actively plan it, plus it gives the guy a hint you're looking forward to meeting.

 

This is a great and informative post. I'd also shy away though from seeing a first meet as a date with traditional gender roles. I agree to seal the deal -make the plan - as a means to an end -the end being to see if the guy, after he meets you, wants to plan a traditional date (and sure then gender roles might come into play depending on your value system).

[Coolstorybro]

Not "waiting" for anything dude, I (and many women) *do* gets lots of attention on line, not gonna deny that.

 

Unfortunately much of it is "unwanted" attention (won't get into that), but every once in awhile, I will receive a message that picques my interest and when that happens, I give my own fair share of attention right back!

You just described the complete opposite. You wait for attention and messages, and if you don't get your desired attention you go to a different site. Even your advice is to join sites for that exact purpose; to get attention. Online dating is probably one of the top places that draw in people to crave attention.

[katrina1980]

You just described the complete opposite. You wait for attention and messages, and if you don't get your desired attention you go to a different site. Even your advice is to join sites for that exact purpose; to get attention. Online dating is probably one of the top places that draw in people to crave attention.

 

Well, thanks so much for such enlightening insight into my motivation and behavior! LOL

 

However, contrary to your assumption (which is incorrect by the way), I was only on one site for approx. 4 weeks, received both wanted and unwanted attention -- mostly unwanted (look it up in Webster's if you don't know the definition), ended up connecting with one guy, and am now dating him and OFF the site.

 

Prior to meeting and through the present, we BOTH message(d) each other, no one was "waiting" around to receive attention or anything else.

 

And I never said that the reason why I, or any woman, join dating sites is to get attention, perhaps you're mixing me up with another poster? I would have never said that, because I don't feel that way.

 

As for my advice to thornz, my sense is she is looking to connect with one guy (as I was), it's a numbers game, so the more men she talks to and meets, the better her chances of finding that.

 

My earlier comment about men being turned off when women message first was tongue-n-cheek, NOT to be taken seriously, I mentioned that in a later post, perhaps you missed it?

 

All that said, I don't know what your experiences with women have been, but not all women are attention, um "seekers." Xd

 

And not all of us join sites because we crave "attention" from various men on dating sites, or anywhere else for that matter.

 

Some yes, all, no.

 

But best of luck with that thought process!

[Coolstorybro]

Well, thanks so much for such enlightening insight into my motivation and behavior! LOL

At least one of us can.

 

However, contrary to your assumption (which is incorrect by the way), I was only on one site for approx. 4 weeks, received both wanted and unwanted attention -- mostly unwanted (look it up in Webster's if you don't know the definition), ended up connecting with one guy, and am now dating him and OFF the site.

 

Prior to meeting and through the present, we BOTH message(d) each other, no one was "waiting" around to receive attention or anything else.

I'm going off your advice. But to be honest I really don't care what you personally did.

 

And I never said that the reason why I, or any woman, join dating sites is to get attention, perhaps you're mixing me up with another poster? I would have never said that, because I don't feel that way.

That's what you advised. Go back to your first comment.

 

"If you're not getting lots of messages, join a different site or deactivate you account and reactivate in a few weeks.

 

Or change your profile and update pics.

 

On average, women typically get so many responses, no need to message men first and men know this too."

 

That screams "give me attention". If men aren't giving me attention, join a different site.

[katrina1980]

Coolstorybro, look dude, you're free to interpret my posts however you like, no skin off my nose, seriously.

 

I know my reasons for joining and have neither the desire nor energy to defend those reasons, to you or anyone else.

 

And once again, re this comment:

 

>>On average, women typically get so many responses, no need to message men first and men know this too."

This was said as tongue-n-cheek, it was something the man I'm dating said, he said it as a joke, playful banter, we had a fun playful lil argument about how sexist that comment is, and had a good laugh!

 

I already mentioned that in several posts, so not sure why you're bringing it up again.

[purplepaisley]

You just described the complete opposite. You wait for attention and messages, and if you don't get your desired attention you go to a different site. Even your advice is to join sites for that exact purpose; to get attention. Online dating is probably one of the top places that draw in people to crave attention.

 

She said someone might pique her interest and she gives attention back. She said she might get attention, wanted or unwanted, and the whole point of online dating is to meet people...so yeah, there's attention; it's one of the side-effects...she did not say that she's seeking attention. There's a difference. A man who approached her online seemed interesting, and she returned that interest.

 

It's perfectly reasonable to disable the profile or move to "greener pastures" as the case may be if the men/women on the site you're checking out are not up to what you're looking for. It's not necessarily an attention-seeking act, but rather finding a more suitable venue or taking a break because the people hitting your search criteria are not men/women who seem compatible. Granted, there are attention seekers, penpals, catfishers, frauds, etc., on these sites, and you can't really avoid it, you just have to try to maneuver around it. We all get a little jaded in the process, and it seems to me that men encounter attention-seekers more than women do, so I can understand men getting a little bit more "squicky" around such commentary a woman might make, as if she's condoning toying with men and basking in the attention, but at the end of the day, I personally never saw Katrina as projecting this type of attitude.

[Batya33]

I would think it's kinda sad if a person interacted on an online dating site with a focus on the "attention" she/he got from strangers. I am certain that's not what Katrina meant.

[thornz]

I think there has to be a fair degree of compartmentalizing. I do agree that with online meeting through the date app, some texting needs to occur, see how it goes, build rapport. Words and texting style/attitude can say a lot. The thing is, what happens on text may not happen in person, and I, personally, don't see it as a waste of time to schedule coffee or drink, provided you aren't completely turned off by this guy...you might have even exchanged numbers for a phone call as well. If you think this guy is the best and you're itching to meet, he feels like the one, yada, yada, you have to compartmentalize that because you honestly don't know how things will play out in person. If you walk in to meet someone who was so-so on the app (you're not sure), you might be pleasantly surprised...or he's a dud. I do think it's important to schedule an in-person meet ASAP, like within a week or two. If their lifestyle is that busy they can't meet (preview of your future), or they are perpetual texters and penpals (or frauds and catfishers as the case may be), this is the litmus test.

 

For the OP, the guy is quite lackadaisical and while you might be open to meeting, just to see, just in case, I don't see this as a worthy prospect. What I'm wondering is, why didn't you nail down a time when he presented the date? He chose the day and the venue, and you responded with "text me for a date." Um, the date was asked. Why not say, "Text me and we can discuss time. I'm thinking 7."? In discussion with a couple online guys I have met about women on the app and in reading here, men will drop the ball if there is no expressed interest. They're tired of "being burned" and stood up, led on, and canceled out on at the last minute, so when a woman behaves in an aloof manner, they simply fall back on texting again. Is there a reason you haven't brought up the date? "So we're planning Zee's on Saturday. What time? I'm thinking 7?" Is it that wrong or bad for you (general you, me, anyone) to take some initiative after the ask and bring it up? Granted, the fact HE didn't bring it up gives me pause, especially after his seemingly selfish style, so who knows, but I'm kind of wondering why you aren't taking the lead a little bit. I mean, this is your life and your evening, and you should actively plan it, plus it gives the guy a hint you're looking forward to meeting.

 

He suggested a meal, I said I’d rather have a brief meet and told him I’m free after such a date due to work commitments. If memory serves me correctly I gave him my number and told him to call me so we could arrange the details.

 

He hasn’t called but kept texting me everyday to talk about himself so I told him I didn’t see it progressing and good luck in his search.

 

He lacked basic manners. He would ask how my day was etc to start the conversation and then the focus was all on him. I once mentioned my day didn’t go so great and he didn’t say anything polite to it. Not for me at all.

[thornz]

This is a great and informative post. I'd also shy away though from seeing a first meet as a date with traditional gender roles. I agree to seal the deal -make the plan - as a means to an end -the end being to see if the guy, after he meets you, wants to plan a traditional date (and sure then gender roles might come into play depending on your value system).

 

I don’t think this guy really wanted to meet. He wanted an ego massage so I moved on. I deleted my profiles in the end as I have so much going on, a few stressful events and barely time to myself so I don’t think it’s fair to date if I don’t have time to commit to anything serious for the foreseeable future. Plus the whole thing seemed to bring up some ex stuff. I started thinking about him a lot. Perhaps I should work on that before dating again?

[Batya33]

I don’t think this guy really wanted to meet. He wanted an ego massage so I moved on. I deleted my profiles in the end as I have so much going on, a few stressful events and barely time to myself so I don’t think it’s fair to date if I don’t have time to commit to anything serious for the foreseeable future. Plus the whole thing seemed to bring up some ex stuff. I started thinking about him a lot. Perhaps I should work on that before dating again?

 

So what kind of "work" is that -and why does that work have to happen without also being open to dating? I was always overly busy including with stresses when I dated - if you have a career, if you have family responsibilities (not talking about kids), if you have close friends life always has stresses. So I wouldn't use that as an excuse or use the all encompassing broad "work" when my sense is you're not sure what that means specifically. And as far as "fair" - if you are single and see yourself in a potential relationship in the future then it's '"fair" to interact with people and meet them a few times. IMO. If you're looking for an excuse not to put in the effort to meet someone and if you're not honestly looking for a serious relationship down the road then I wouldn't bother. You don't have to date or look to date anyone at all. I just don't really think your reasons/excuses make a lot of sense.

 

I had to do specific work on myself last night because I was overreacting to a situation. I did the work so that I would not burden my husband or son, and so that I wouldn't put my body through unneeded stress. I'm in my 50s so I don't feel old but I have a greater awareness of the "life's too short" cliche! And I did it successfully and made very different choices to react to my stress than I would have a few years ago.

[thornz]

So what kind of "work" is that -and why does that work have to happen without also being open to dating? I was always overly busy including with stresses when I dated - if you have a career, if you have family responsibilities (not talking about kids), if you have close friends life always has stresses. So I wouldn't use that as an excuse or use the all encompassing broad "work" when my sense is you're not sure what that means specifically. And as far as "fair" - if you are single and see yourself in a potential relationship in the future then it's '"fair" to interact with people and meet them a few times. IMO. If you're looking for an excuse not to put in the effort to meet someone and if you're not honestly looking for a serious relationship down the road then I wouldn't bother. You don't have to date or look to date anyone at all. I just don't really think your reasons/excuses make a lot of sense.

 

I had to do specific work on myself last night because I was overreacting to a situation. I did the work so that I would not burden my husband or son, and so that I wouldn't put my body through unneeded stress. I'm in my 50s so I don't feel old but I have a greater awareness of the "life's too short" cliche! And I did it successfully and made very different choices to react to my stress than I would have a few years ago.

 

The work would be to look for the positives in more recent past relationships. I was very hurt by the actions of my ex and although I reacted very healthily and in my own best interest I still feel a lot of resentment that I ought to work through. I have an underlying sense that I ought to be very grateful for both the relationship and the breakup but I don’t.

 

At that time I was struggling to find time to socialise and keep up to my basic housework and was very overwhelmed and emotional. In a few months I will be studying a double module on top of working full time. Any free time I find will be spent with my friends, there’s no way I would find time to see anybody 2hours round trip on a regular basis. Best to postpone dating til I am back in the area I wish to settle in. Just the thought of dating seemed exhausting.

[Batya33]

OK - your schedule sounds like mine -or not as busy -when I was dating. I think if you really wanted to date you could do the work you wrote about alongside of meeting and dating people. I understand your friends are more of a priority right now than dating or looking to date -you're entitled!

[thornz]

OK - your schedule sounds like mine -or not as busy -when I was dating. I think if you really wanted to date you could do the work you wrote about alongside of meeting and dating people. I understand your friends are more of a priority right now than dating or looking to date -you're entitled!

 

Of course I could, at the expense of my health. That is never going to happen. Something has to give and it won’t be my health. As socialising is an important part of managing my mental health it will always be my priority. If I’m struggling to find time to keep up to the basics to maintain my health then I better wait until I have less on my plate.

 

I was feeling a bit of a wreck and burnt out the last few weeks. I could do without the stresses of dating on top to push me over the edge. I would not be impressed if someone turned up for a date with me exhausted and wishing they were at home resting so I wouldn’t do that to someone else. I also dated a guy for nearly three years who between uni and training would sometimes not be able to see me for weeks on end. I ended it cos I’d had enough and as far as I’m concerned he shouldn’t have been dating if he didn’t have time for it. Another thing I wouldn’t subject anyone to.

 

I have three main projects at the moment, improving my mental health (CBT) and working on bad habits, financial (saving money and doing overtime) and career (university, work full time and do training courses and conferences outside of work). Add to this the fact that my friends and brother live a 2hr round trip so I’m lucky if they get to see them twice a month. That’s how often I could realistically see a date so that’s never going to get off the ground. I aim to move in a year to 18 months and within 6 months the majority of my CBT should be settled. I will have more time available then and less to worry about. I will also have better coping strategies to deal with dating which for me is incredibly stressful In itself.

[Batya33]

Of course I could, at the expense of my health. That is never going to happen. Something has to give and it won’t be my health. As socialising is an important part of managing my mental health it will always be my priority. If I’m struggling to find time to keep up to the basics to maintain my health then I better wait until I have less on my plate.

 

I was feeling a bit of a wreck and burnt out the last few weeks. I could do without the stresses of dating on top to push me over the edge. I would not be impressed if someone turned up for a date with me exhausted and wishing they were at home resting so I wouldn’t do that to someone else. I also dated a guy for nearly three years who between uni and training would sometimes not be able to see me for weeks on end. I ended it cos I’d had enough and as far as I’m concerned he shouldn’t have been dating if he didn’t have time for it. Another thing I wouldn’t subject anyone to.

 

I have three main projects at the moment, improving my mental health (CBT) and working on bad habits, financial (saving money and doing overtime) and career (university, work full time and do training courses and conferences outside of work). Add to this the fact that my friends and brother live a 2hr round trip so I’m lucky if they get to see them twice a month. That’s how often I could realistically see a date so that’s never going to get off the ground. I aim to move in a year to 18 months and within 6 months the majority of my CBT should be settled. I will have more time available then and less to worry about. I will also have better coping strategies to deal with dating which for me is incredibly stressful In itself.

 

Obviously as I wrote no one has to date or look to date, ever. You said you wanted to spend more time with your friends. Now you've expanded on that that it's essential for your mental health. I can relate in the sense that my daily power walk is as essential to my health as is taking my vitamins and supplements. I will not skip it other than once a year and if I'm very sick or in an emergency. I very often have to put in a lot of effort on certain days and times to squeeze it in and I do it. Yes, dating can be stressful and is a part time job at at times. It all comes back to your priorities. You have decided that the only free time you have to socialize in a month is X and that that time has to be with your friends including travel time.

 

It's all a balance. If you truly wanted to find a significant other my guess is you would decide that you would endure the stress and fatigue and find other ways to destress/get more sleep. I do that right now with parenting and work and me-time juggling. I did it with dating and working more than full time.

 

It's a struggle, I get it. I'm just trying to challenge some of your assumptions about what you have time for and what dating requires. I think part of this is more of an excuse, reading between the lines, and it's also fine to say "I could do it but I choose not to because it's not a top priority now" -to me that would help you in the work you say you have to do -the blunt self-honesty. Many people with what you have on your plate find time to date because to them it's a top priority to find a spouse, for example

 

I also think there will always be stresses, lots of work, life stuff where you have to prioritize , balance and be honest about what's truly important. And if in that self-honesty and juggling you determine that you cannot fit in dating/looking to date that's totally valid. I just don't buy from what you wrote that it's all about "can't" and it sounds like there's a part of you that wants an excuse not to put in the time. Which is fine, too but better to be honest about that part -for yourself.

 

Sorry to repeat! What you wrote reminds me -when I had my first catch up dinner with my husband he arrived sweaty from running to the restaurant, I was burnt out from a bad dating experience the night before and the morning of the date (harassing emails), I was exhausted, not interested in dating at all. And sparks flew. Amazing what sparks can do to energy level and priorities. Just sayin'