My story

[James80]

Last August I started seeing a girl I've known for almost ten years through work. We were both coming off a few quite horrific years (she'd had a traumatic divorce and then an abusive relationship, I lost my fiancee to Leukaemia leaving me to raise our infant daughter alone) and we initially bonded as friends and it soon led to more. I've always thought very highly of her, she's exactly my type but as she was married and then I was in a long term committed relationship id not really given it much thought. She confided in me that she'd actually liked me for some time. It all felt like serendipity. For three months things were perfect. I'd actually never had a relationship where everything felt so right. She introduced me to her parents early on. I spent some great times with her children and her family. We seemed very much in love.

 

Then after we both had bouts of illness (bad seasonal colds) and didn't spend much time with each other, plus a few other things happened that I believe acted as triggers for her she started to withdraw. Then out of the blue on her son's birthday she messaged me and told me that she had to call a halt to the relationship. That she knew what she was going to be facing and couldnt be the girlfriend she wanted to be. I was so upset but accepted the break. We had limited contact for about a month where she was checking I was ok etc and then (after I got upset by a change of profile picture she did on fb and basically accused her of seeing someone else) we withdrew further. I reached out to her best friend/sister in law just making sure she was in contact with them and they were looking after her and she messaged me and told me to look after myself and not worry about her. We pretty much didn't speak over Christmas and New year (although we did see each other occasionally in work but didn't really interact at that time)

 

By Valentine's I decided I couldnt stand the limbo and sent her a card with letter attached just saying how I felt (that I lived her and missed her) I didn't put any expectations in the letter but said ehat happened next was up to her. She did respond to that. She said I was lovely but should move on as I could do better than her. “who wants a nutter anyway.” I was sad but accepted this. Two days later she unfriended me from FB (although not blocked) I got the impression she manage started seeing someone. She was certainly spending time with a guy friend of hers and he put pictures of them both on his Facebook page (I know fb stalking is not great ) she told me that she loved our time together and that I hadn’t done anything wrong but “I don’t have those feelings anymore.”

 

Throughout this period it certainly seems like she’s been suffering from a significant episode of depression. So I think her initial reason for the break was her speaking the truth. I believe her feelings have gone. I don’t know whether this is as a result of depression or just falling out of love. For my own sanity and to preserve a working relationship I went as no contact as I could manage. That was a few months ago now.

 

Strangely in the last few weeks she seems to be a little more like herself and she’s been interacting with me more. We are both on a group WhatsApp with people from work and she interacts with me on there. Previously if I put anything she’d go silent and never direct any comments to me. Again I don’t know if she just thinks I’m fine now and sees me as a friend or what. I try not to think about this stuff. I still.love her, despite the brevity of our relationship she had a real impact on me. I’d get back with her but I cannot allow myself to live in that hope. I’m moving forward with my life and improving myself (I’ve lost weight I’m working out, I just bought a new house, got a significant promotion in work etc)

 

I’m healing. But slowly. But my lesson I will take from this is that it was only when I let myself let go that things started to improve. Now my break up seems to be as a result of mental health. And those are a little different than your normal break up (although the end result.is usually the same) but once the break is made you need to look after yourself. Clinging onto the old feelings only hurts you however great that person was there is always someone equally good in your future. My fiancee was a wonderful person who I looked forward to spending my life with. But I know people equally great exist for me.

 

I feel a little stupid for still.being hung up on this girl when the relationship was so brief. But I guess the issue was that the way we broke up, out of the blue, I never really got closure. Things were going so well before the rug was pulled out from beneath me. And this is why I’m struggling to move on. It feels like unfinished business. Life just sucks sometimes!

[DanZee]

Gee, I was hoping that you two were getting back together again since her depression was clearing. Too bad.

[James80]

Thank You! The possibility is constantly on my mind believe Me! I just can't let that dominate my thoughts though. All I can do is move forward with my own stuff and whatever else happens, happens.

[Wiseman2]

I'm sorry for your loss. Even though this relationship gave you hope for a while, she doesn't sounds like a quality woman. Excellent you have reinvested in yourself. Agree you will find a better match for yourself soon. It's ok you took the risk into dating again and it didn't pan out, it happens. It shows that you are going to be ok in the long run. Take care.

I lost my fiancee to Leukaemia leaving me to raise our infant daughter alone. I’m moving forward with my life and improving myself (I’ve lost weight I’m working out, I just bought a new house, got a significant promotion in work etc) My fiancee was a wonderful person who I looked forward to spending my life with. But I know people equally great exist for me.

[GoodGumbo]

She said she no longer had those feelings so I wouldn't hold onto any hope of a reconciliation as you are just hurting yourself and keeping pain longer than necessary. Great job on the self work-keep focusing on that!

[James80]

She said she no longer had those feelings so I wouldn't hold onto any hope of a reconciliation as you are just hurting yourself and keeping pain longer than necessary. Great job on the self work-keep focusing on that!

 

I've been focusing on that. You read that depression can hide feelings and that its possible that they return once the depression subsides....but that's not guaranteed. And I have no idea if that's the score here. So all I can do is take her on face value, that she no longer has those feelings and I need to move on. Has been a difficult process though. I've had plenty of relationships in my life but this break up has affected me more than most.

[James80]

I've been rereading your comments. Because they are the voice of sense. Like a mantra I need to remind myself "she no longer wants to be with you. Move on".

 

Funnily enough after writing my post we had a strange day on Monday where it seemed like she was seeking me out more to talk to. The interactions were even a bit flirty. I think its growth that this didn't torment me as it would have done a month or so ago . I rationalized that yes I've been friendzoned, largely as we do have limited contact through necessity I've absolved her of any guilt. The following day we were also both in the office and while we spoke it wasn't like the day before. I was definitely holding back a but and I think she was too, maybe she realised that flirting wasn't that appropriate.

 

I dont think I'll ever fully understand this break up. In my 20 odd years of dating as an adult I've had plenty of experience but nothing like this. It's just bizarre!

 

Also, In the future I must remember to never get involved with a work colleague.

 

Sorry just needed to get some stuff out!