SweetGirl28 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 That's a heck of a long time , plus you recently ended and then we're back in contact with the ex wife right? Then the recent girl. It's alot to process. I like hearing the male mind lpist divorce, gives me a great deal of insight. I wish I saw it before because I never ever would have involved myself with the last guy had I known what really was in his mind still. Like I said, get the therapy again. You can gain some clarity instead of trying to figure it out yourself and then you can find that one to spoil with affection and wake up to every day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted March 30, 2018 Author Share Posted March 30, 2018 Us guys aren't too bright...lol. Most of us try to be honest and don't intend to hurt women. I think we have generally, as a gender, are far inferior when it comes to processing and dealing with emotions. I'm confident your latest ex was sincere in his relationship with you, and didn't realize the magnitude of his baggage and how it impacted you. At the end of the day, we're just trying to be happy too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 True! It's nice you're honest. Really refreshing. I don't think he intended to hurt me either and even now I think he likes to annoy me with contact but still stays away for fear I will get attached again which trust me he killed that s*** already lol. But he did say he doesn't want to hurt me again when we discussed a fwb situation. I don't honestly care what he does or who he's with, we had our fun and it's over now. End of story. You guys don't like drama and emotions and seeing us upset and don't feel the way we do. Sometimes we as women forget this and want you to be open like we are. Some guys are, but then you can look weak to us right? It's like a battle sometimes to get on the same page. I know with mine I should not have gotten attached, the signs were there, I chose to ignore them. It's not always that you guys are to blame when we females look back we do see that you were throwing your thoughts out there without saying them! It always takes two to make a relationship fail. I hope you find your forever girl, and that you are happy! You're a good guy. Even handling this the way you are shows how respectful you are towards women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted March 30, 2018 Author Share Posted March 30, 2018 Yeah...I bared my soul and all of my innermost thoughts and feelings to the latest woman. In hindsight, I do feel like an idiot/fool for doing so. It feels like there's now a stranger out there who knows everything about me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 It's okay! Just proves you're not so closed off after all :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Long Gone Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Yeah...I bared my soul and all of my innermost thoughts and feelings to the latest woman. In hindsight, I do feel like an idiot/fool for doing so. It feels like there's now a stranger out there who knows everything about me. Totally with you there... I opened up to her so she knew me inside and out, and now she's not a part of my life....but ultimately I look at it like this, 3 months has passed....that's 3 months she hasn't been with me, through all the experiences I've been through since then. I'm not that same person she knew! That helps me through at least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted March 30, 2018 Author Share Posted March 30, 2018 Totally with you there... I opened up to her so she knew me inside and out, and now she's not a part of my life....but ultimately I look at it like this, 3 months has passed....that's 3 months she hasn't been with me, through all the experiences I've been through since then. I'm not that same person she knew! That helps me through at least. All I want is to be settled in my life...to feel at home. I've been unsuccessfully pursuing that since 2010. I guess I'm trying to stay hopeful, to get to that elusive "payoff". For years, I have been in limbo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Long Gone Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 All I want is to be settled in my life...to feel at home. I've been unsuccessfully pursuing that since 2010. I guess I'm trying to stay hopeful, to get to that elusive "payoff". For years, I have been in limbo. Hope you get there Hopefulguy. I'm feeling the most positive I have in weeks, and a lot of that is since I joined this site. I know I want to get comfortable on my own, which I think I'm heading in the right direction. Ultimately I want to share my life with someone, to care for them and do all those wonderful things with someone you love...... I like to think I'm a nice guy (last thing the ex said to me).... We are all here to help mate :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted March 31, 2018 Author Share Posted March 31, 2018 Thanks. Heavy heavy anxiety this evening. C'est la vie I guess.... :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayRay63 Posted March 31, 2018 Share Posted March 31, 2018 If the dude asks for a spot on the bench, you know what to do when he can't finish that last rep by himself. Tempting, but don't lose your self respect - there are others in your gym who will see your strength and resolution. Then again, I'd be tempted. I read this with a face palm: She did say she'd step away but I know she didn't mean it (really just a gesture) and I suggested it's a free world and it's now my problem.. You should have said "good, do it". Abandon that doormat thinking, please. PM me if you want to really get in to this. Too many expletives for the site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted March 31, 2018 Author Share Posted March 31, 2018 I'm actually getting a little angry about that. That gym is (was) my escape. My social context. For several years. And she knows it.....I was the one who set her up there. All I can do is try to co-exist with my head high. And possibly leave. Meanwhile, I'm a mess TBH. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayRay63 Posted March 31, 2018 Share Posted March 31, 2018 Well, man, take back your space. Don't you leave it. You don't have to co-exist with her. Her decisions have consequences. She needs to understand that. Go about your business, and if she doesn't like it, she can tell her story walking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WildChildOG Posted March 31, 2018 Share Posted March 31, 2018 I'm actually getting a little angry about that. That gym is (was) my escape. My social context. For several years. And she knows it.....I was the one who set her up there. All I can do is try to co-exist with my head high. And possibly leave. Meanwhile, I'm a mess TBH. I hope you got through the night alright, I'm sorry your anxiety was high :( I really think you should consider asking her to go someplace else. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but ya know maybe being truthful about it wouldn't be so bad for you. Tell her under different circumstances, a normal breakup, you would be okay with it. But given she was going behind your back, making a fool of you, then she needs to find her own gym. Not necessarily in those words, but enough so that she gets the drift. And if the guy doesn't like it, probably best he follow her out the door. She may find someone else at the new gym ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted March 31, 2018 Author Share Posted March 31, 2018 I don't see either of them leaving. Neither are in the pain I'm in and are embarking a new relationship. I can't see asking either to leave. I just got home from the gym. Went at a time I didn't think either would be there (non-class time). Still, harder than I thought it would be just being there. I think the place is ruined for me....which is the biggest loss of all. Not helping my state of mind which is not good. Can't eat, full of anxiety, dejected. Very very hard today. Much worse than yesterday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted March 31, 2018 Author Share Posted March 31, 2018 I just wanna curl up somewhere and cry....but I can't even get that release. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted April 1, 2018 Author Share Posted April 1, 2018 Looking for some reassurance......... Is it normal that since Friday, I am very anxious (more than usual) and lethargic with no interest in doing anything (although I'm forcing myself to do a few things around the house, shopping, etc)? Ok to just give in and wallow for a couple of days? Back to work tomorrow in any event..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambert Posted April 1, 2018 Share Posted April 1, 2018 Looking for some reassurance......... Is it normal that since Friday, I am very anxious (more than usual) and lethargic with no interest in doing anything (although I'm forcing myself to do a few things around the house, shopping, etc)? Ok to just give in and wallow for a couple of days? Back to work tomorrow in any event.....wallow today and just take time for yourself. you don't have to have all the answers right now. its a journey for sure.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted April 1, 2018 Share Posted April 1, 2018 Reality hit now. I couldn't understand why you were being so cool about it. I'm sorry :( Go they the motions and get back out there! Seeing them is probably making you anxious. I think you shouldn't leave though. Face the demons. It's your happy place in life. I hate to see you sacrifice that because they have no morals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted April 1, 2018 Author Share Posted April 1, 2018 Thanks. I don't believe they are bad people necessarily. Guess I fell victim to unfortunate circumstance. I have every intention of going back and doing my best to gut it out. But hard to see it ever truly being my happy place again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren0020 Posted April 2, 2018 Share Posted April 2, 2018 She'll be back. U make the decision if you want her back or not. It's called Karma. That guy will eventually dump her, how u get them is sometimes how you lose them. Sorry you experienced this. Try and be strong! We're here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted April 2, 2018 Author Share Posted April 2, 2018 Thanks. You may be right but I really wish them no ill will. I just want to get my own xxxx together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted April 7, 2018 Author Share Posted April 7, 2018 She'll be back. I hope the forum members don't mind me using this forum to vent my thoughts. It really does help to have another outlet for my feelings....so I appreciate your patience :) She called me at work on Monday (she works on a different floor of same building) which was three days after she "dumped" me. Emotional. Said she couldn't talk because her co-workers might hear her becoming emotional. Asked her what she wanted. She asked me to meet her in by my truck in the parking lot. I agreed and we went for a coffee. Sitting in my truck, I really was wondering what she wanted. She again seemed very very torn. Crying. She said her heart was still with me and she totally loved me. So I reiterated what I'd been saying to her for a few weeks: that I loved her and wanted to be with her fully. Told her I've known her for 7 months and that was now enough to conclude that I wanted a life with her. Not interested in any more casual stuff. She said she didn't know the other guy well enough at this point to love him but felt that he'd be safer as she was afraid of being hurt (note: he's been married twice and just ended a subsequent long-term relationship). She also mentioned that the preceding weekend after she dumped me was awful for her and she had been crying the whole time. I basically looked at her and calmly suggested she was making no sense. I'm legitimately ready to go all-in, she loves me, etc. but she's going in a direction that's "safer" where she likes the guy but doesn't love him. I suggested that if she simply fell out for me but fell in for him, please tell me. It happens. But she insisted that wasn't the case. She seemed VERY torn. So we went back to work .... and of course my hopes are up again unconsciously at least. Next morning she texts me saying she's still torn and struggling. I just said it was simple: me or him. She then follows with a very long email which basically says she's afraid to choose me out of fear of me leaving or hurting her, so she's going to pursue the other guy to see what happens because she doesn't the same fear and anxiety with him. I called her back and calmly suggested that if she really loved me, then her decision might be a bigger risk. And I wondered how he might feel "if" he knew what she was saying to me. We did text the day before yesterday as I respectfully/genuinely asked if she would prefer we unfriend on FB. She immediately called me and was a little upset. Said for me to go ahead and unfriend, unblock, whatever I wanted if that's the way I felt.. A little emotional again...but we ended up having a nice conversation for about two hours. Bottom Line: I'm still confused about what happened and why. Still VERY hurt and suffering..but faking the high road with them both. Can't help but feel profound regret... as if I let something that I've always wanted get away. Anyway.....I have been back to the gym four times since. He's been there three times.....we co-exist fine but certainly not the same. And I go through peaks and valleys....but head always up. Did come home after second time and immediately had a "therapeutic" meltdown for about 30 minutes which was cathartic. Still taking it a day at a time....tough. Sorry for the long post....totally understand if no-one reads it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted April 7, 2018 Share Posted April 7, 2018 Pfffftttttt..........hell no! Choosing the guy twice divorced just out of a relationship is NOT safe! I have a feeling this is about her being more physically attracted to the other guy. She sounds like someone who likes the adventure of the unknown and risky. And I say this because I used to be that girl. She's got commitment issues, stand your ground, block her FB, carry on with life. She will lead you on a long journey of emotional turmoil and hold your life up while she tries to get herself together and figure out what she wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted April 7, 2018 Author Share Posted April 7, 2018 I confided my experience to a good friend last night for the first time. He suggested that I arrived at a position of strength/commitment at about the same time she arrived at a place of not trusting me to arrive at that same place. Which makes her anxious and fearful that I will bail out. I think she wants a committed stable relationship as much as I. Problem in my opinion is that, if she means what she says, she will eventually greatly regret taking what currently seems to be the safe road. She did tell me that both her mother and her best friend are really shocked at her decision. Her friend's comment was "but this is what you've been hoping for since you met him!" I don't believe for a minute that she's looking for drama or risk. She doesn't trust me presently. But I would argue she may be paying a big price..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopefulguy Posted April 7, 2018 Author Share Posted April 7, 2018 BTW, I have asked her at least a dozen times over the past week or so to simply admit that she likes him better than me. I told that is ok, and that, while painful, would help me ultimately accept and resolve it....and move on. But she insists that isn't the case. I even asked her to admit that she finds him more physically attractive than me, but she very much insisted no. Confusing...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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