Is it best to end things now?

[Jibralta]

I'd break it off. You know what you want. Go get it.

 

when people start with the I have stress and a lot going on Etc, that's a really big red flag. Because let's face it life is always stressful and there's always a lot going on. I learned this lesson and I'm never going to listen to that again.

 

Poor baby your life is so stressful and you're so much going on you can't handle a relationship. Think about that. Would you say to one of your friends I can't handle a friendship right now? No! Because people and relationships are what makes life worth living.

 

I think guys and girls too use this I'm so stressed and I'm so deep you can't even understand what I'm going through excuse because then you can't be mad at them. They're having a hard time. BS!

 

It's not like someone died. They are just telling you flat-out you and what you offer is not a priority to me.

 

So true.

[katrina1980]

Guys, OP is asking for a "full on commitment."

 

Come on now, it's only been six weeks!

 

And let's not forgot HE is the one who asked for exclusivity, HE is the one who asked where this was going, not to mention she admits he treats her better than any man before him has, has also expressed his feelings, what the *!

 

And I'm sorry, anyone would feel "stressed" when given the choice of either 'full on commitment' or losing someone you like and see long term potential with after only six weeks of dating.

 

I sure would, damn.

 

At the very least he needs to think about it!

 

Nuff said from me, good luck OP.

[Darlington]

Guys, OP is asking for a "full on commitment."

 

Come on now, it's only been six weeks!

 

And let's not forgot HE is the one who asked for exclusivity, HE is the one who asked where this was going, not to mention she admits he treats her better than any man before him has, has also expressed his feelings, what the *!

 

And I'm sorry, anyone would feel "stressed" when given the choice of either 'full on commitment' or losing someone you like and see long term potential with after only six weeks of dating.

 

I sure would, damn.

 

At the very least he needs to think about it!

 

Nuff said from me, good luck OP.

 

You raise some really good points. Points that I may have over looked with emotions running a little high.

 

Can I just get your thoughts on the following before you give up on me:

 

1. When I asked how long he dates his ex before getting into a relationship, his response was "do you really want to know?", "6 weeks, but the difference is, I was looking for a girlfriend then" as opposed to now...he isn't looking for a girlfriend.

 

I'm where he was then... looking for a boyfriend. Do I wait and hope 6-12 months down the line he will change his mind? What if he doesn't?

 

2. The stress comment was about work, not our partnership. There's going to be cuts in both his and my department. I'm in exactly the same place and should be more stressed by it as I have a mortgage, while he rents.

 

3. The conversation about his ex relationship threw up some interesting information I was not aware of. He had mentioned in a previous conversation that he last had sex "before Christmas" during this period he was pursuing me, but hadn't asked me out. It turns out it was his ex he has slept with...the one who caused the issues he has around wanting a relationship again. They had broken up last Feb and "bumped into each other" before Christmas and that's how it happened. He also mentioned for the first time that she had been texting him while we've been dating. Apparently he asked her to stop and told her he's dating someone else.

 

So all this...plus the exclusive dating that's like a relationship but categorically NOT a relationship to him..is what had caused this major confusion for me. I mean is he even over this ex? He says he is. Am I a rebound and that's why he wants the safety of an exclusive relationship but not full commitment? I don't know.

 

What I do know, is that I really like him and if I have over thought this, been to keen to lable it or walked before crawling, then I would love so advice of how to undo it. The no contact the last day was very tough. Should I get in touch and attempt to fix it or give him the 2 weeks to think.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he's talking about the ex way to much and that's a red flag. They may be on/off at this point. He overlapped you with her. Perhaps it's bad semantics but "commitment" is a ridiculous thing to discuss after dating 6 weeks. You can't adjust his thinking or actions, only your own. At this point you clearly see the red flags with the ex so proceed with caution.

 

You don't ask people to marry you after 6 weeks of dating, so stop using words like "commitment". Start with the basics and that would be only seeing/pursuing/sleeping with each other. Unfortunately you haven't even gotten that far because he's already alluded to still being hung up on his ex.

He had mentioned in a previous conversation that he last had sex "before Christmas" during this period he was pursuing me. They had broken up last Feb and "bumped into each other" before Christmas and that's how it happened. Am I a rebound and that's why he wants the safety of an exclusive relationship but not full commitment?

[SweetGirl28]

He told you that his last relationship left him feeling emotionless and not wanting commitment.

I wouldn't wait around, but it's your decision. It's really early on for commitment, so if you really want to

be with him, why not discuss what that commitment means? He said to be exclusive, what more is it that you're looking for?

[Jibralta]

Guys, OP is asking for a "full on commitment."

 

Come on now, it's only been six weeks!

 

And let's not forgot HE is the one who asked for exclusivity, HE is the one who asked where this was going, not to mention she admits he treats her better than any man before him has, has also expressed his feelings, what the *!

 

And I'm sorry, anyone would feel "stressed" when given the choice of either 'full on commitment' or losing someone you like and see long term potential with after only six weeks of dating.

 

I sure would, damn.

 

At the very least he needs to think about it!

 

Nuff said from me, good luck OP.

 

I think she's asking because she's getting mixed signals from him. She's trying to be clear about what she is looking for so that neither of them are wasting the other's time. Unfortunately, his answer to her very direct question is also vague. In my opinion, he is jerking her around--why pay for the cow when the milk is free? Best case scenario is that he really doesn't have his sh*t together and is unable to just say no--still not good.

 

I have had some really nice relationships where we both knew on the first date that we wanted to be exclusive. From that point on, there was enthusiasm and mutual respect on both sides--none of these nebulous ex-issues or work-stress excuses. And sure, other issues killed the relationships down the road, but at least we liked and respected each other enough that we could say what was on our minds. Now that I think about this, maybe it's why I've always been on good terms with exes and rarely needed to go the NC route.

[Darlington]

I think she's asking because she's getting mixed signals from him. She's trying to be clear about what she is looking for so that neither of them are wasting the other's time. Unfortunately, his answer to her very direct question is also vague. In my opinion, he is jerking her around--why pay for the cow when the milk is free? Best case scenario is that he really doesn't have his sh*t together and is unable to just say no--still not good.

 

THAK YOU Jibralta - you have hit the nail on the head!!! The mixed signals and vague responses is the crux of the problem. I don't need titles after 6 weeks, but at the same time know I'm looking for a relationship - and if the person I'm dating isn't, then it's best to walk away. My initial question.

 

I dated someone last year for 4 months, we were both interested in a relationship but never needed to bring up titles thing. It ended in the dating phase, no titles, it's not necessarily some thing I "need".

[Darlington]

Thank you all for your advice, it has been really helpful and given me a lot to think about, particularly about my own behaviour and approach to this situation.

 

I don't want to be one of those OP who posts, gets lots of great advice, ignores it and still asks the same questions.

 

I think I will use the agreed 2 weeks to think about this myself. The no contacts approach is probably a good idea, so we can both remove distractions and analyse the situation more objectively.

 

Thank you all so much.

[katrina1980]

THAK YOU Jibralta - you have hit the nail on the head!!! The mixed signals and vague responses is the crux of the problem. I don't need titles after 6 weeks, but at the same time know I'm looking for a relationship - and if the person I'm dating isn't, then it's best to walk away. My initial question.

 

I dated someone last year for 4 months, we were both interested in a relationship but never needed to bring up titles thing. It ended in the dating phase, no titles, it's not necessarily some thing I "need".

 

Fair enough, but if I may ask, what is your definition of a "relationship"?

 

What does a relationship mean to you?

 

Earlier you alluded to it meaning a "full on commitment."

 

Did I interpret that correctly?

 

That is not what it means *to me,* a relationship is the first step, but again to me it takes many months, for some couples years, to get to "full on commitment."

 

But with respect to Jibralta's points raised in her recent post, very fair and relevant.

 

I think taking the two weeks to assess is a great idea, good luck!

[Darlington]

Fair enough, but if I may ask, what is your definition of a "relationship"?

 

What does a relationship mean to you?

 

Earlier you alluded to it meaning a "full on commitment."

 

Did I interpret that correctly?

 

That is not what it means *to me,* a relationship is the first step, but again to me it takes many months, for some couples years, to get to "full on commitment."

 

But with respect to Jibralta's points raised in her recent post, very fair and relevant.

 

I think taking the two weeks to assess is a great idea, good luck!

 

Hey Katrina – thank you so much for coming back.

 

To me a relationship is no different to what we have now; exclusive, having fun, mutual respect and feelings.

However, he said he isn’t ready for a “relationship” (which is fair enough and I would never push someone into wanting/feeling something they don’t, for my own benefit…I’d rather walk away each time). Out of curiosity and wanting to understand his thinking, I asked what the difference was between what we’re doing now and a relationship, to him. After a few “I don’t knows”, he said “I’m not ready for a “full commitment”. Then proceeded to tell me about his ex-relationship. That’s when I thought to myself…wow we are looking for completely different things here.

 

The “full commitment” comment came from him, not me. It was his way of differentiating between what we are now and a relationship. It's pretty hard getting anything out of him. There's lots of "I don't know, I haven't thought about xxx" and at this point I don't want to ask anymore. Maybe he really needs time to think.

[katrina1980]

Ok, thanks for clarifying!

 

So, I think I mentioned earlier, but it appears that to him a "relationship" is akin to "full on commitment."

 

When asked, he admitted as such!

 

Many guys think this way (they've told me) and its unfortunate and in my opinion, the reason why many men are so hesitant to agree to it.

 

Why *commitment-phobia* is so prevalent in society today.

 

How did you respond when he said that?

 

Did you explain that no no that is not what a relationship means to you.

 

That you are not ready for full on commitment either, it's way too soon for that!

 

That a relationship is only the first step, and simply means you both agree there is potential for something very special and long term.

 

But realistically, anything can change at any time.

 

It takes time and patience to get to fully committed!

 

Communicating and understanding each other is key in my opinion.

 

Oh and I think him saying his stresses are due to "work" is a ruse.

 

Don't underestimate the stress some men feel when faced with making a commitment, no matter how misguided his reasoning may be.

 

It's very real, to them.

[Darlington]

Ok, thanks for clarifying!

 

So, I think I mentioned earlier, but it appears that to him a "relationship" is akin to "full on commitment."

 

When asked, he admitted as such!

 

Many guys think this way (they've told me) and its unfortunate and in my opinion, the reason why many men are so hesitant to agree to it.

 

Why *commitment-phobia* is so prevalent in society today.

 

How did you respond when he said that?

 

Did you explain that no no that is not what a relationship means to you.

 

That you are not ready for full on commitment either, it's way too soon for that!

 

That a relationship is only the first step, and simply means you both agree there is potential for something very special and long term.

 

But realistically, anything can change at any time.

 

It takes time and patience to get to fully committed!

 

Communicating and understanding each other is key in my opinion.

 

Oh and I think him saying his stresses are due to "work" is a ruse.

 

Don't underestimate the stress some men feel when faced with making a commitment, no matter how misguided his reasoning may be.

 

It's very real, to them.

 

Thanks that's very helpful insight.

 

No I didn't talk about commitment to him...because I wasn't sure what he meant by that. Still don't 100% as I feel there's already a level of commitment to what we had. Though I didn't say that to him.

 

"That a relationship is only the first step, and simply means you both agree there is potential for something very special and long term." this is where I thought we were headed, but apparently not?

 

I really like this guy and respect him, but I also love me and respect myself. I would never want to cause anyone stress...especially if the stress is stemming from not knowing if they want to be with me.

 

It kinda feels like, right person....wrong time! I mean he was still sleeping with the ex that caused him so much pain 3 months ago...and letting her contact him while we have been dating. No wonder he isn't ready for a relationship yet....I doubt he's even recovered from the last.

[katrina1980]

I think you need to find out exactly what a relationship means to him and if in fact he believes, to him, it means full on commitment as he suggested.

 

And tell him what it means to you. What you just told us.

 

When you are confused about something he's said or anything, why are you not communicating and asking him to clarify?

 

Instead you are making all these negative assumptions about what you "think" he meant = he's not on same page, doesn't want what you want, doesn't envision long term, completely forgetting about what you actually have.

 

Which is a man you've been dating a mere six weeks, who asked you to be exclusive, asked where what you have is going, expressed his feelings and who's treating you better than any man before him.

 

Communicate with him! This sounds like semantics, misinterpretation and miscommunication.

 

If, after you clarify what he meant by "not ready for full on commitment" (which lord knows is understandable after only six weeks) and whether or not he believes that is what a "relationship" means, you STILL believe he is "stinging you along" then end it.

 

But again in my opinion this sounds more like a miscommunication, because you're not communicating, you're assuming!

[katrina1980]

I just read the part about him having sex with his ex and still communicating with her while dating you.

 

Yeah, THAT is a big problem. Sorry I missed earlier.

 

Perhaps it is best you walk away, regardless of what he believes a relationship means.

 

He has not recovered from that relationship, which will only continue to cause problems in yours.

 

Sorry. :(

[Darlington]

I just read the part about him having sex with his ex and still communicating with her while dating you.

 

Yeah, THAT is a big problem. Sorry I missed earlier.

 

Perhaps it is best you walk away, regardless of what he believes a relationship means.

 

He has not recovered from that relationship, which will only continue to cause problems in yours.

 

Sorry. :(

 

I think you are right and having thought about things a little I think that's a major problem - perhaps it's what has lead to the confusion and mixed signals from him. Perhaps he doesn't understand himself that he hasn't recovered from the old relationship. I asked him if there were still feelings and he said no....but you're still in contact tho?

 

It makes sense now why he wants the safety of an exclusive dating partnership, without "commitment" (using his own words). I guess this is the *nice guy* way of doing a rebound....

 

I don't have time for this.

[Ziggy123]

Agree with above. Sounds like a waste of time to me. If a guy doesn't want to be in a relationship with me after like a month or so I usually see that as I need to move on because i will end up hurt. Just from past experience.

[boltnrun]

I still think he wants the option of dating others.

 

I strongly believe that no one is "afraid" of commitment. What they are "afraid " of is committing to someone, then seeing someone else they are attracted to and interested in after they've already committed to someone else, and being unable to pursue that other person because they're already committed. Kind of like a "buyer's remorse" for relationships. They want an "opt out" clause. That way, if they do date or sleep with someone else and you get upset they can say "Hey, we're not 'committed' or 'in a relationship'! I never said I wasn't going to see anyone else!"

 

I was in a situation similar to this. In my case, the guy wanted that "opt out" clause but he didn't want ME to see anyone else. He slept with whomever he wanted but if he thought I was seeing someone else he pulled the crying act. I thought that meant he really cared, but what it actually meant is he didn't want anyone else to play with his toy. In fact, he even said that in a whiny email to me.

 

Not saying this guy you're seeing is like that (manipulative and selfish). But I always think there's a reason why some people don't want to commit, and it's usually because they want the option to see others.

[Sportster2005]

What do you think of the two week space to think? Recon the outcome will be the same?

 

I absolutely think the outcome will be the same.

 

Don't settle for someone that has to make up their mind about you. Insists and demand the person you are with is crazy about you and unequivocally wants to be with you. Life is too short to waste on people who aren't into you.

[Jibralta]

I think the outcome will be the same, too.

[Darlington]

Thanks guys! I think you are all right.

[katrina1980]

Thanks guys! I think you are all right.

 

So what are you going to do, wait the two weeks? Then end it?

 

Given the situation with the ex, I wouldn't (wait the two weeks) for that reason alone.

 

Would end it now. Gracefully of course.

 

If there was no ex, I still stand by what I advised earlier, better communication so as to clarify how *he* defines "relationship" -- what it means to him, and you as well.

 

People define it differently, and I find it curious when you told him that's what you were wanting, his response was he was "not ready for full-on commitment."

 

Which, after only six weeks is understandable!

 

I had forgotten this earlier, but I used to attend a meet-up support group and, as absurd as this sounds, one of the men admitted to feeling a "relationship" was tantamount to announcing his engagement! LOL

 

I am not kidding, *some* men have quite a misguided view of what it means. Not sure why, perhaps that is how their prior relationships went down. But who knows.

 

But in your situation, the fact he had sex with his ex and still communicates with her indicates he has not moved on from that relationship.

 

So best you move on too.

 

Sucks cause things really did sound quite hopeful from what you posted, especially after only six weeks, but bottom line is if you're not happy and feel so off balance this early on, best to walk away.

 

Now, not in two weeks.

 

JMO, good luck whatever you decide!

[Darlington]

So what are you going to do, wait the two weeks? Then end it?

 

Given the situation with the ex, I wouldn't (wait the two weeks) for that reason alone.

 

Would end it now. Gracefully of course.

 

If there was no ex, I still stand by what I advised earlier, better communication so as to clarify how *he* defines "relationship" -- what it means to him, and you as well.

 

People define it differently, and I find it curious when you told him that's what you were wanting, his response was he was "not ready for full-on commitment."

 

Which, after only six weeks is understandable!

 

I had forgotten this earlier, but I used to attend a meet-up support group and, as absurd as this sounds, one of the men admitted to feeling a "relationship" was tantamount to announcing his engagement! LOL

 

I am not kidding, *some* men have quite a misguided view of what it means. Not sure why, perhaps that is how their prior relationships went down. But who knows.

 

But in your situation, the fact he had sex with his ex and still communicates with her indicates he has not moved on from that relationship.

 

So best you move on too.

 

Sucks cause things really did sound quite hopeful from what you posted, especially after only six weeks, but bottom line is if you're not happy and feel so off balance this early on, best to walk away.

 

Now, not in two weeks.

 

JMO, good luck whatever you decide!

 

 

I'm letting this one go. Yes it was very promising but if there's baggage from an ex relationship there's nothing I can do.

 

I am giving him the two weeks to do what he gatta. I don't want to keep at it with more questions/clarification etc at this point, it a little needy, especially as he asked for time to think and I agreed to it.

 

Given that the two weeks won't change anything, I'm going to use the time to formulate my own thoughts and start moving on.

 

Ps. We spoke yesterday, he said he felt really sad about the turn things have taken and missed having me around. We had plans to meet yesterday but have decided to not see each other.

 

:(

 

Oh well...it is what it is.

[Darlington]

Ended it......this sucks! Hurts bad....wish it could be have been different.

[SweetGirl28]

No one dates with the hopes it fails, but you did the right thing.

I hope you find someone who values you, and is ready to be emotionally open with you.

Feel better.

[boltnrun]

It WILL be different...with the right man.

 

It was best to end it. Rather than waste time with a man who doesn't want the same things you do.

 

I am sorry, I know you had hopes this guy would be the right one for you. But he's not. The right one will not need to go deliberate like a jury.