Thoughts on being Friends with Exes?

[SweetGirl28]

Thank you, I appreciate you sharing. I hope you and your high school sweetheart get your happy ending. Was it hard at first to treat him/them as just friends? Im having issues in this area because I am aware that I care a lot more about what he does and when he responds, how he responds, etc. So I might've upset over something that I'll acknowledge as something I have no right to be reproachful about, nor should it even upset me. I told him I'm not sure I even can be his friend.. This isn't like we brokeup 2 weeks ago either. It's been 10years. I shouldn't feel this way when I'm fully aware of what the situation is. Yet, I look forward to hearing from him and now I want to see him so I can get a better idea of who he is now. In my mind I still see him as I knew him and I hold the past against him despite my efforts not to. I think it's because I haven't associated him as anything different since the image is the same. I hope that makes sense lol.

Was it awkward to see your ex again after a longtime had passed? I have no personal experience with this (obviously), so I'm looking for others who've been thru this already. I'm sorry about your ex committing suicide. Thats so sad. I can't begin to contemplate how that could affect you. Being that it was someone you had once been close to, intimate with, loved and cared for. When I read that I wanted to ask you more about it, but I feel insensitive and inappropriate doing so, since I don't even know you. I'm glad you shared. :)

 

It was almost near impossible to be his friend. He tried reaching out on many occasions through cards, calls, visits.

I couldn't read a thing from him without crying and getting anxious, so I just focused on my rebound and got married lol.

My ex even tried stopping that. He even tried to give me an engagement ring. I had a lot of hurt I hadn't dealt with, because he cheated. I felt my getting married was the way to get over him. That didn't work.

We eventually got on good terms and both let the past go, though he never held resentment. This is a guy who never ever raised his voice, his hand, said not one abusive or degrading word, nothing. Very respectful and loving always. We never fought. He cheated because he got lonely because I was in nursing school and I wasn't paying attention to him at all pretty much. At 22, I couldn't handle it, but I look back and don't blame him, because the reason people cheat is because of loneliness in their relationship(not an excuse but it happens). He did marry the girl and then divorced a few years ago from her.

You feeling this way after ten years is a long time! Why don't you see him? Is he single? People change a lot within that time, and maybe you won't even feel attracted anymore. But you have some deep feelings there if you care so much about things he does and contact, etc. I was that way with my last ex, but now it doesn't bother me. If I hear from him, okay. If not, that's okay too.

It wasn't awkward to see my first ex because we always saw one another. He never got too far from my sights because he

made it a point to be where I was lol. It hurt initially but as time passes you forgive and heal. That was true love though, we've made it all these years staying friends, true friends, so the bond we had was as true as true can get.

My ex who committed suicide, he hung himself on a trail in NY that we always hiked on. Funny because the first time we went all he did was talk about his ex and the things they did on the lake there. I was like okayyyyyyy you're hung up on her, but he was fun and I continued to date him. She got engaged, and it ripped his heart out. His mom found on his computer that he researched at length on suicide and effective methods. He was in the Army Reserves as military police too, so the first thought was naturally he must have been on duty that weekend and just didn't tell anyone. A hiker came upon him and called 911. They estimated about 30 hours from time of death. He had been gone for two days prior to that. He drank a lot to deal with things, and did have depression that wasn't treated properly. I wasn't with him that long, 6 months, so I didn't really know him all that well, but I wasn't surprised because I did know how in love with her he was. I felt sorry for his family and I felt like I lost a very good friend, but I never got super attached because of his feelings for her.

[11moreweeks]

This thread makes me wish I could be friends with my ex, but I am absolutely certain that it will hurt us both, myself especially. I miss her so much. I miss how much fun I'd have with her and how fulfilled I felt with her, and I miss how we almost always got along swimmingly...but the love I had for her was so intense and the breakup / its consequences have been so horrendous that everything is totally shattered. It's sad to think that the story finally ended, but she burned the book.

 

I would say that, at least for me, I could only be a friend with an ex if I was completely healed from them / over them. But sadly, at least for me, I don't think I could ever reach that point with someone I think is worth being friends with. I could never think of someone I was with as not a possible partner unless they were so disgusting that they couldn't even be a meaningful friend, like I'd said in my first post. That's mostly just my idealized approach at this point, though.

 

"Marry your best friend", "You can learn to love anybody", "All feelings are fleeting and malleable, including attraction/passion/infatuation", "The honeymoon phase means nothing", "Anything is possible / no one can predict the future", "There's always a chance an ex would want reconciliation", and other mindsets that I have prevent me from being friends with an ex.