Hollyj Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 Right on point, I never really understand people who think it's mandatory to stay in contact just after a breakup, it usually never helps anyone, maybe just emotional vampires. Then there is the counterpoint to this, if you receive such HBday it can be that the person wants your attention, so they will use any elaborate answer on your part to try and launch something new, so better stick with just "thanks" as said by SweetGirl28, that doesn't open up for much discussion anyway. No. You ignore. If one is blocked then there is no worry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayRay63 Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 If you blocked you would not be spending more time obsessing on the ex. Block! Blocked everywhere except email - which is logistically impossible. She is now living overseas, so she isn't going to be texting anyway. Even disabled skype. As I have said elsewhere, I keep all the numbers on my phone - so I know not to answer if they call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 Blocked everywhere except email - which is logistically impossible. She is now living overseas, so she isn't going to be texting anyway. Even disabled skype. As I have said elsewhere, I keep all the numbers on my phone - so I know not to answer if they call. Sorry. Misunderstood. I do think that any response - even a thank you - is opening yourself up for more contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Last Gentleman Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 You are missing the point! No one is obligated to do anything, but I was blindsided by the breakup! I thought that maybe at 6 weeks of not communicating, he would have reached out! Seeing that he didn't, solidified that I meant nothing to him. Everyone knows how a girls bday is important to her, and if he reached out, I may not have blocked him because I would have thought that later down the line, there would be a possibility of reconciliation. This just made me realize it is over forever! You will be making your life more complicated in the future, with this all black or white blanket logic, I never get it why people do this. Maybe he moved on and doesn't really care anymore, but let me tell you as a man, some of us don't want to show sadness and being weak after breaking up. So if I'm too attached to a woman and contact her again, I fall back in the story and it stops me from moving on, but the relationship is over so there's really no point doing this. Lately I had to let go my GF because she couldn't make the decision and I loved her a lot, it tore me appart but I can't contact her because I would revert back to crying and waiting for an answer all day long, I have to move on even though it's so difficult, but that's why I'm staying silent. But you will never know because most men don't want to show weakness, so he might still care and not contact to not regress, or he might be over you, in the end it doesn't make a difference, the relationship is over you have to move on, but assuming things in your head without facts, is never very wise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom314 Posted March 16, 2018 Author Share Posted March 16, 2018 But you will never know because most men don't want to show weakness, so he might still care and not contact to not regress, or he might be over you, in the end it doesn't make a difference, the relationship is over you have to move on, but assuming things in your head without facts, is never very wise. Yes it is wise to make stuff up in your head, whatever gets you to the other side, which is the other side of heart break. It's your situation and there is no right or wrong way to cope and find your way to get over someone. It makes sense for you to stay quiet because she was the one that was undecided about the relationship. She broke your heart. In my case, it was him who was saying "I don't know what I want" and bla bla bla.. I didn't break his heart, he broke mine. Therefore, it took me not hearing from him on my bday to put the nail in the coffin, and burry that relationship for good. That is completely healthy, it is better to make that assumption that I don't matter to him, rather than sit and pine for him and wonder why I never meant anything to him. I realized I didn't mean anything after my bday passed so it is much easier to accept it now :) The last day that we ever spoke, I asked him point blank, do you want to be with me and he said he doesn't know what he wants. On my bday, I got my answer :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom314 Posted March 16, 2018 Author Share Posted March 16, 2018 I would also like to add, it doesn't matter what rationalization a person comes up with in order to move on, simply saying "just move on" without rationalizing in some way is asking for too much. People need to find their peace of mind and if something works for them, then hey it works. I don't necessarily think that relationships can be this black and white, but for me, it is what helped me to finally let go of the hope that he and I were going to get back together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sputnik123 Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Hi Blossom, I guess I have this to look forward to on my birthday.. the non-recognition! lol Seriously though, no contact from the ex is better and will help you in the long run :) Carry on putting your thoughts on here as it does help. S x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Last Gentleman Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 I would also like to add, it doesn't matter what rationalization a person comes up with in order to move on, simply saying "just move on" without rationalizing in some way is asking for too much. People need to find their peace of mind and if something works for them, then hey it works. I don't necessarily think that relationships can be this black and white, but for me, it is what helped me to finally let go of the hope that he and I were going to get back together. Well it's great that you are over this and moving on, we both had the same situation and I know it's not easy. But sorry to insist why have this extreme mindset, why not say he didn't see me for the good person I am, or he didn't care enough and moved on, he also has the right not to like you it doesn't make him selfish or bad. This "I meant nothing to him" phrase seems lauded with bitterness, I said it in the past and usualy I was sooooo resentfull, you really want to go into thinking this guy who liked you and had a relationship suddenly didn't give a f*** about you ? Sure it helps kind of move on and put this person away for now, but I'm telling you having this mindset doesn't help you reflect on either, did you have faults in the relationships or did you allow this guy to use you or something. Maybe he realised this wasn't going the way he wanted sure, or maybe he's not stable or you did something, for the sake of better future relationship, hiding behind the "I meant nothing to him" won't help you much and if you were flawless, you can face the facts and reflect on them, coming out with better self esteem, it's win win ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayRay63 Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 Oh Blossom, there are worse things than not getting a birthday text. Way worse. That make you realise they don't give a s*** about you anymore. You are going to have to trust me on this one. Or read my recent thread. Or maybe just google this up on youtube. "dave grohl (foo fighters) - wheels (acoustic)". Have a listen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom314 Posted March 17, 2018 Author Share Posted March 17, 2018 Oh Blossom, there are worse things than not getting a birthday text. Way worse. That make you realise they don't give a s*** about you anymore. You are going to have to trust me on this one. Or read my recent thread. Or maybe just google this up on youtube. "dave grohl (foo fighters) - wheels (acoustic)". Have a listen. Hi Rayray, what is your post titled? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom314 Posted March 17, 2018 Author Share Posted March 17, 2018 Well it's great that you are over this and moving on, we both had the same situation and I know it's not easy. But sorry to insist why have this extreme mindset, why not say he didn't see me for the good person I am, or he didn't care enough and moved on, he also has the right not to like you it doesn't make him selfish or bad. This "I meant nothing to him" phrase seems lauded with bitterness, I said it in the past and usualy I was sooooo resentfull, you really want to go into thinking this guy who liked you and had a relationship suddenly didn't give a f*** about you ? Sure it helps kind of move on and put this person away for now, but I'm telling you having this mindset doesn't help you reflect on either, did you have faults in the relationships or did you allow this guy to use you or something. Yes it does make him selfish, as selfish as they come. No one is a bad person for falling out of love with someone, they become bad when they string them along, and continue with the charades of a meaningful relationship. If he didn't want to be with me, why allow me to take family Christmas pictures and send them throughout the U.S. to my family members. He should have stopped me then, or better yet, stop saying "I love you more babe". This makes him extremely selfish because if he didn't want to be with me, why be with me? I am not perfect, but I can say I became a doormat because I allowed for him to manage down my expectations. I wish I was more outspoken and not let him get away with seeing me every other week. The statement "I meant nothing to him" may come off as bitterness to you, but it's the cold hard truth for me. It's a reality. I rather know that I meant nothing to someone, and that I was lied to, instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt. He ripped my heart out. I meant absolutely nothing to him, and I can swallow that pill, and thank God for not allowing me to marry someone so deceitful. I can use discernment in my future, and use this lesson for my betterment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 Thanks for the birthday wish :) I do not think it is selfish, it was more of wanting some kind of validation that I at least meant something to him after a year of hearing non stop that I was the love of his life. If anything this was the closure that I needed like No1 stated! I no longer am questioning it, I now know for sure! Hi Blossom and am so sorry you're hurting. BTDT, we all have. But I'm struggling trying to understand your rationale for thinking you "meant nothing to him." Like ever? In the entire year you were dating? In your first post and then again above you say you don't understand how someone (him) can go from being the *love of his life* to nothing. This suggests that for the year you dated you DID mean something to him, in fact you acknowledged that HE felt you were the love of his life! But now, because he didn't wish you a happy birthday, AFTER you broke up, suddenly you meant "nothing" to him? Ever? Blossom, you're broken up. And despite what you think, I'm sure he's struggling too. Last Gentlemen made a lot of sense and has good insight into the male brain. He is a man after all. Just because he didn't reach out, does not mean he doesn't care, or ever cared. He just doesn't want to re-open old wounds or whatever caused him to want to break up in the first place. It's over, so there's no point. He's trying to move on. And seriously, had he reached out and wished you a happy birthday, you acknowledged youself it would have caused you to have hope for a reconciliation one day. He didn't want to give you that hope, which I personally believe shows he's aware of and sensitive to your feelings and did not want to mislead you. Instead of tossing you crumbs by wishing you a happy birthday, when he knows he does not want to go back. But that does not mean he NEVER cared Blossom, or that you *never* meant anything to him. I get you're hurt and angry as you were hoping, even expecting, to hear from him and you didn't. But try to put it in perspective. You are broken up, it's over, there was NO reason for him to reach out. He is trying to move on and I'm glad you are finally doing the same. I know it's hard, so wishing you the best of luck as you go through this process! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayRay63 Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 Hi Rayray, what is your post titled? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548310 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambert Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 it doesnt matter.... maybe he knew and it was hard for him to not reach out ... but that's breaking up. you don't reach out until either you're ready with some change that you want to fix it... or time marches on separately... and that's ok. bc you're not hurting reach other anymore.. happy birthday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Last Gentleman Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 But I'm struggling trying to understand your rationale for thinking you "meant nothing to him." Like ever? In the entire year you were dating? Just because he didn't reach out, does not mean he doesn't care, or ever cared. He just doesn't want to re-open old wounds or whatever caused him to want to break up in the first place. It's over, so there's no point. He's trying to move on. And seriously, had he reached out and wished you a happy birthday, you acknowledged youself it would have caused you to have hope for a reconciliation one day. My point exactly, we guys do not want to show we are emotional so many of us cut contact exactly for this, reducing a whole relationship to just one fact after breakup that "I didn't mean anything to him" is ridiculous, especially that this mindset makes people hold grudges for nothing, holding grudges only hurt you not them... And whatever anyone says, people saying such things and dismissing the whole relationship after breakup, are bitter over the situation whether they realize it or not, otherwise they would just say, it didn't work I'm really sad but I need to move on and take some insights from the whole relationship/breakup, to do better next time. Blossom314, maybe he did string you along in the end, or maybe he suddenly had a realization on his life and just saw he had to let you go, but you will never know a 100% this is your perception of the events and right now you seem angry it's human, so you color the whole thing black and he has another perception of this, no right or wrong. The point is, if he was selfish or not it doesn't matter, what matters is you do not want to go down the I hate that man route, because it will only hurt you, prevent you from attracting good men and not help you move on as you might think it would, trust me I've been there ! Holding grudges leads to repressed anger which will slowly eat you from the inside making you unhappy even sick, forgiving and letting go of good and bad people, shows strength of mind and is the only way to move on and find true happiness again, I hope you can find your peace of mind take care ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom314 Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 And whatever anyone says, people saying such things and dismissing the whole relationship after breakup, are bitter over the situation whether they realize it or not, otherwise they would just say, it didn't work I'm really sad but I need to move on and take some insights from the whole relationship/breakup, to do better next time. Blossom314, maybe he did string you along in the end, or maybe he suddenly had a realization on his life and just saw he had to let you go, but you will never know a 100% this is your perception of the events and right now you seem angry it's human, so you color the whole thing black and he has another perception of this, no right or wrong. The point is, if he was selfish or not it doesn't matter, what matters is you do not want to go down the I hate that man route, because it will only hurt you, prevent you from attracting good men and not help you move on as you might think it would, trust me I've been there For anyone to keep throwing the words out "you sound bitter" is maybe because you are the bitter one, and you may have bitterness in your heart. You may be defending yourself because maybe you didn't wish an ex happy birthday and are trying to justify your own actions. Just because I am processing my breakup differently than you "recommend", does not make me a bitter person. Also, it does not make it wrong. I am angry at my heart break, Yes! but I am not bitter. I still believe in true love, I still believe in the union of marriage. Somebody hurts me, I will not have a good feeling about them. He broke my heart again when he didn't acknowledge me on my birthday. I used this as confirmation that I meant nothing to him, and that is what is getting me to close this chapter in my book. Regardless of what works for you, this is what works for me. Stop trying to justify your insecurities onto me by saying I am bitter. I actually think it is a good thing that I can finally close this chapter of my life and block him and use this as leverage to move on. Sorry that you are hurting and feel the need to pile it on me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom314 Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 it doesnt matter.... maybe he knew and it was hard for him to not reach out ... but that's breaking up. you don't reach out until either you're ready with some change that you want to fix it... or time marches on separately... and that's ok. bc you're not hurting reach other anymore.. happy birthday! Thank you :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 This is not directed at you in particular Blossom, cause many people feel this way, but I'm at a loss understanding why some people believe and expect that an EX is somehow obligated to (or should) wish their EX a happy birthday, lest his/her EX believes she/he "never" cared or ever gave a crap. What's the thought process? I mean they've broken up, they are an EX for heaven's sake. They're trying to move on, going no contact is the best way to accomplish this, why would they want to open that door again? For what purpose? And why pray tell, if they don't wish their EX a happy birthday, their ex believes it means they NEVER cared? If someone could explain this to me, it would be much appreciated! That said, I'm all for doing whatever one needs to do, or tell themselves, in order to move on, even if it makes no logical sense to another person. I'm sure I've done it too, plenty. Happy belated Blossom and good luck moving forward! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom314 Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 Last Gentleman, I found these two quotes: “Those who spend their time looking for the faults in others, usually spend no time to correct their own” “Stay away from negative people, they have a problem for every solution”. Me telling the forum I have my solution and you somehow still find a problem. Have a nice day sir. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 ^But is not your "solution" also negative? Believing your ex never cared, that you meant nothing to him, ever, is very negative, no? Truth is you have no idea why he didn't wish you a happy birthday. If I were to venture a guess, he's processing the breakup, and trying to move on. Again you stated that HE thought you were the love of his life, you felt that from him too, how is that him NEVER caring, or that you meant nothing to him? Can you explain? Is there something more about your RL you haven't shared that causes you to feel this way? LG can be very blunt and sometimes harsh, but I did not see his posts as negative. I saw them as him trying to get *you* to be less negative, about your ex and your breakup. I'm sorry your ex didn't reach out, I know you're hurt. And angry. I get it, BTDT, it's perfectly normal. You are now faced with the fact the RL is over, your ex does not wish to get back together. That hurts! Expect your emotions to fluctuate as you go through the process of moving on. Sometimes you will miss him, to feeling sad, to feeling angry, back to missing him again. Lather, rinse, repeat. All normal and even heathy. Try to not hold on to anger too long though, otherwise it festers within, which will negatively impact your future relationships, your self-esteem, etc. Nuff said from me. Hope you feel better soon Blossom, hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Last Gentleman Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 ^But is not your "solution" also negative? Believing your ex never cared, that you meant nothing to him, ever, is very negative, no? Truth is you have no idea why he didn't wish you a happy birthday. Yep all this sounds pretty negative, that's why I said the words bitterness or holding grudges, it's really sad but being angry on no real facts is just not helping her. For anyone to keep throwing the words out "you sound bitter" is maybe because you are the bitter one, and you may have bitterness in your heart. You may be defending yourself because maybe you didn't wish an ex happy birthday and are trying to justify your own actions. Just because I am processing my breakup differently than you "recommend", does not make me a bitter person. Also, it does not make it wrong. I am angry at my heart break, Yes! but I am not bitter. I still believe in true love, I still believe in the union of marriage. Somebody hurts me, I will not have a good feeling about them. He broke my heart again when he didn't acknowledge me on my birthday. I used this as confirmation that I meant nothing to him, and that is what is getting me to close this chapter in my book. Regardless of what works for you, this is what works for me. Stop trying to justify your insecurities onto me by saying I am bitter. I actually think it is a good thing that I can finally close this chapter of my life and block him and use this as leverage to move on. Sorry that you are hurting and feel the need to pile it on me. You snap at me and attack my message, to justify you are not bitter, you are just furthering the point I made, it's a forum to help people I didn't judge you I'm saying things that I hope can improve people's lives that's the point here, Attacking me tells more on your story than just disagreeing with me politely. Maybe I'm sometimes blunt yes, if you don't like my advice fair enough don't listen to me, but don't call someone who tries to help you bitter and insecure, you asked for people's views on your issue not me so, don't blame me for for trying to help. Oh and look at my post on my ex I did wish her HBday almost 2 months ago, so yeah I'm bitter over that... because she happily replied. I hope you'll eventually find peace of mind, but I won't bother you anymore don't worry Blossom314 bye. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom314 Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 Yep all this sounds pretty negative, that's why I said the words bitterness or holding grudges, it's really sad but being angry on no real facts is just not helping her. You snap at me and attack my message, to justify you are not bitter, you are just furthering the point I made, it's a forum to help people I didn't judge you I'm saying things that I hope can improve people's lives that's the point here, Attacking me tells more on your story than just disagreeing with me politely. Maybe I'm sometimes blunt yes, if you don't like my advice fair enough don't listen to me, but don't call someone who tries to help you bitter and insecure, you asked for people's views on your issue not me so, don't blame me for for trying to help. You are saying I attacked your post, but you have been attacking me by calling me selfish, and bitter. You're saying "don't call someone who tries to help you bitter and insecure" and yet you must have called me bitter at least 5 times before I became upset. You are the pot calling the kettle black. I am hurting, so I thought coming on this forum would help, and it did. No one else called me selfish, everyone offered kind words to move on, some even understood my pain and said it's normal to feel this way because there is a certain level of sensitivity that people have when someone is grieving. I am still processing my breakup. It feels like death to me. So I am not on the "forgiveness" phase yet, but I am getting there. I simply stated I was heart broken over not getting a birthday text and you fired off calling me bitter and selfish. Now, you are judging my character for defending myself by saying "i know more about your story based on you attacking my post". Well, I know more about your character for calling me names especially when you know i am grieving and am down. So yes! I became upset because I think I have the right to feel what I feel. I will make sure to stay away from your post because as I have said before, you just put me down instead of lift one up. I don't think your negative post helped at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom314 Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 Had my breakup been a year ago, and I’m still waiting for a birthday text, then yes, I’m bitter. My breakup is very recent...so to call me names because I am still upset about it is extremely mean of you. There are Stages of grief, anger, depression, acceptance and forgiveness. Right now I’m in the anger phase. You are calling me out for processing my emotions like a normal person. I hope you luck on your future relationships. Do not tear people up especially when they are down. The majority of people on this forum are grieving one way or another, so try to be sensitive to that and please try to refrain from calling people names. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Last Gentleman Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 You are saying I attacked your post, but you have been attacking me by calling me selfish, and bitter. You're saying "don't call someone who tries to help you bitter and insecure" and yet you must have called me bitter at least 5 times before I became upset. You are the pot calling the kettle black. I am hurting, so I thought coming on this forum would help, and it did. No one else called me selfish, everyone offered kind words to move on, some even understood my pain and said it's normal to feel this way because there is a certain level of sensitivity that people have when someone is grieving. I am still processing my breakup. It feels like death to me. So I am not on the "forgiveness" phase yet, but I am getting there. I simply stated I was heart broken over not getting a birthday text and you fired off calling me bitter and selfish. Now, you are judging my character for defending myself by saying "i know more about your story based on you attacking my post". Well, I know more about your character for calling me names especially when you know i am grieving and am down. So yes! I became upset because I think I have the right to feel what I feel. I will make sure to stay away from your post because as I have said before, you just put me down instead of lift one up. I don't think your negative post helped at all. I'm sorry you feel attacked by my post, sorry I'm not the sugarcoating kind of man because I think some people need this, whatever you think I am not judging you, I'm telling you what your writing tells me as a 35yo man, so what other men might feel from this as well, this is important so you don't look bad I was saying all this to make you think, don't stay in anger so much. So if I feel you seem bitter or angry how can I say it to you, so that it doesn't consume you without you feeling judged, I really don't know how to do this, I say things as I see them it doesn't mean personal attacks at all, I hope you can believe me or I wouldn't just bother post here ! Other people like Katrina told you it sounds negative and sorry it does, reducing a whole relationship or man's worth for a HBday message that didn't come, seems to me like being in denial and I'm saying that out of experience, so I was trying to avoid you to fall for the same things I experienced, maybe I'm wrong it's possible of course. I didn't insult or call you names, I just felt you were directing your anger at me now which I absolutely did not like, but note I said I hope you your find your peace of mind, I really said all this maybe harshly but in the idea to avoid yourself delusion and anger, seems it doesn't work so again sorry I will not post further. I am sensitive, but my way to help people is not blaming the other partner because no one is 100% at fault, or saying platitudes, sorry not my style however I am always concerned to avoid to other people, the things that deeply hurt me in the past, so I wish you all the best Blossom314 sorry I couldn't help ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 This thread has run its course...Closed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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