Questions After First Date Last Night

[abitbroken]

I ment more like i had nothing to do with any sort of dating or relationships all the way until I was about 21, i started lightly dating. Took about a year off, now that I turned 23-24 I'm now like all about it, and having no luck. It just feels like I'm cursed, I just don't understand how people get into relationships like everyone does. I'm told on a daily basis how good I look, I'm super responsible, I'm a great listener, I'm passionate, I talk things over with the person, I have style, I have a great job with everything that I want, I'm fun when I want to be and serious when I want to be, I have lots of different hobbies and interests, I'm smart, I'm funny, im very laid-back, im understanding, im patient, I'm in-shape and built well, i put 110% into everything and want to be all about the girl that i just cant seem to have...like I don't possibly see where I could be lacking, and for some reason every single girl that crosses by me, SOMETHING, no matter how odd it is, happens. Like I seriously am about to just give up it's such a joke, I'm sick of being hurt time and time again over who knows what. I can go on and on about how ridiculous this has become. I'm not being self-centered at all, just out of pure observation, and what I've been told by others and what I've done in life, I feel like I can be the perfect person for really anybody. Like I have absolutely everything necessary. Yet I just cannot, no matter what, find a girl. Maybe it's cause i just deal with online dating, i have no idea.

 

The fact that I messaged her tonight and she's not even messaging me back has me worried.

 

She may not be messaging you back because she is married.

 

Read the bolded sentence. Let me get this straight - you are not divorced, were not in a long term relationship where the girlfirend cheated and you are saying you have been "hurt" so many times. if you are "hurt" by every woman because they don't call you back -- tells me that you get overinvested in each woman you meet and you also have to change your mindset.

 

Look at every date as just that -- A date. Part of it is a numbers game (you have to kiss a few frogs before finding a princess and unlike meeting women in real life where you don't ask out the ones you don't click with, you have to actually go out if you meet them on a dating site), but the other part is being choosy and having boundaries. When you find a hard dealbreaker (married, a drug dealer, lives in another country and is just looking for a boytoy for a few weeks to pass the time while she is here, not over their ex), you say NEXT in your mind.

 

You say you can be perfect anyone - good abs don't last for life. are you looking for women that share the deeper things with you such as life goals (kids/no kids), faith/worldview, family style, etc?

 

Just keep swimming, and sometimes its not about putting 110% into everything - because if you do, there is no room for the other person to do the same...

[Braytc]

That is totally legit. no, you had know way of knowing. But NOW don't chase her no "light contact and then i'll go in for the kill (ask her out again)" But now that you know that she is married, you don't ask her out again -- do like i said "i had a great time. Drop me a line when your divorce is final and we'll do it again" Or something to that effect. Its the best self-care that you can do for yourself.

 

Now that you know you had a great date, you can have a really nice date with someone else. Head high.

 

Was she lying do you think? I just dont understand what there is to lie about or go through all that time "acting" like she's interested. She didnt give a definite detail about it at all, we were just driving, she was in the passenger seat, and out of no where while we were talking she's like "I'm going through a divorce and was really upset about it, like it was hard functioning for a while, but now im okay and im stronger and able to get back to my life" like what does that even mean? ARE you divorced, or are you NOT divorced, what exactly is "going through a divorce" haha

[Braytc]

She may not be messaging you back because she is married.

 

Read the bolded sentence. Let me get this straight - you are not divorced, were not in a long term relationship where the girlfirend cheated and you are saying you have been "hurt" so many times. if you are "hurt" by every woman because they don't call you back -- tells me that you get overinvested in each woman you meet and you also have to change your mindset.

 

Look at every date as just that -- A date. Part of it is a numbers game (you have to kiss a few frogs before finding a princess and unlike meeting women in real life where you don't ask out the ones you don't click with, you have to actually go out if you meet them on a dating site), but the other part is being choosy and having boundaries. When you find a hard dealbreaker (married, a drug dealer, lives in another country and is just looking for a boytoy for a few weeks to pass the time while she is here, not over their ex), you say NEXT in your mind.

 

You say you can be perfect anyone - good abs don't last for life. are you looking for women that share the deeper things with you such as life goals (kids/no kids), faith/worldview, family style, etc?

 

Just keep swimming, and sometimes its not about putting 110% into everything - because if you do, there is no room for the other person to do the same...

 

I dont get why people refer to "dating" as such a basic thing that you shouldn't put anything into. I put a lot into it. I'm "overinvested" in women I date, do you know why? Because i have alot of other things that are productive that I could be getting done, rather than "acting" like im interested in a person. I only go out with someone if I know I at least like them a lot so far into our texting or whatever. Going into a date without being invested is a waste of time, and you shouldn't even do it because there's better things to do then going into it "not invested." You're damn right when I go into a date, I'm putting every ounce of effort into that date, because why go through with it then? Why make her go through it? Why my myself go through it? Is it normal to catch pretty major feelings for someone after a 6 hour long date? If you're a truthful and genuine person, i dont see who wouldn't.

 

 

I know what I'm looking for, and I've found it a few times, and in 3 or 4 years, that's really a bad number. It's like we connect so well, and you obviously think I'm attractive for you to even come here with me in the first place, what the F could possibly be holding you back? Like this girl this past sunday. "I'm going to spend alot of useful hours on my sunday night, to make this guy come an hour down to me, hang out and go for a nice night on the town, and "pretend" that I'm interested and liking him for 6 hours straight, then say... "NAW NEVERMIND I DONT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM" and then be a 15 year old and ghost me because you're immature?" That's literally what this girl just did. What is the point of going out with someone if you pre-determined that you like them or not? If i like someone, i go out with them. If i dont like someone, i dont go out with them. VERY VERY simple, if i wanted to screw with someones emotions and feelings, I'd go hang out with my actual friends of same gender lol.

[Braytc]

She may not be messaging you back because she is married.

 

Read the bolded sentence. Let me get this straight - you are not divorced, were not in a long term relationship where the girlfirend cheated and you are saying you have been "hurt" so many times. if you are "hurt" by every woman because they don't call you back -- tells me that you get overinvested in each woman you meet and you also have to change your mindset.

 

Look at every date as just that -- A date. Part of it is a numbers game (you have to kiss a few frogs before finding a princess and unlike meeting women in real life where you don't ask out the ones you don't click with, you have to actually go out if you meet them on a dating site), but the other part is being choosy and having boundaries. When you find a hard dealbreaker (married, a drug dealer, lives in another country and is just looking for a boytoy for a few weeks to pass the time while she is here, not over their ex), you say NEXT in your mind.

 

You say you can be perfect anyone - good abs don't last for life. are you looking for women that share the deeper things with you such as life goals (kids/no kids), faith/worldview, family style, etc?

 

Just keep swimming, and sometimes its not about putting 110% into everything - because if you do, there is no room for the other person to do the same...

 

 

I get totally what you're saying actually and you put it in a really smart way. I just dont understand what the point of going out with me in the first place is, let alone for SIX (6) hours, getting to know me that much, getting to know eachother so much, talking about literally every single subject under the damn sun, having A TON in common, liking the same things, disagreeing on the same things, loving going to concerts, wanting to show eachother things that we like to do, talking about our families, whatever you name it, PERFECT matches for eachother to a T, then go "meh, not feeling it. bye" LOL. I posted this on here not because i felt that this wouldn't go to a second date, not at all. But because it has happened in the past to me.

[Andrina]

You will never know what goes on in another person's head. I had to go on dates with 30 men on OLD before finding my future husband. Instead of wanting to throw in the towel, have a mindset that OLD can be frustrating and upsetting, but sifting through a lot of sand to find the treasure ends up being worth it. As soon as you see a dealbreaker, move on. You might not be good at seeing red flags, since you still want to date a woman whose divorce isn't finalized yet. Recognizing who is emotionally fully ready to be dating you is essential for a successful relationship.

[thealchemist]

If you want a healthy relationship I would move on.

 

This woman is still married and likely not ready for anything serious.

[Braytc]

If you want a healthy relationship I would move on.

 

This woman is still married and likely not ready for anything serious.

 

So she texted me back today. Again idk why she ignored me other messages and couldn't even respond a single word to them. But it's a pretty fair reason, her mom, I even saw for myself, was in a physical rehabilitation place after having a bad injury so she was always visiting her. Today, she messaged me back after I asked her out this Saturday. She said that her mom is now hospitalized and in ICU (which is a bad place to be) , and that she'll let me know. Wherever (I'll let you know) goes, we will see. Either she's honest or just continuing to string me along, but i have 3 more dates set up for this coming week to waste my time with (lol) so, whatever happens happens i guess,

[abitbroken]

The first thing you should ask this woman before you go out again is "You mentioned something when we went out. You said you were going through a divorce. When was your divorce final or are you still married?" you have not done so. Its not rude to ask. you NEED to ask.

 

You are assuming there is a 50% chance that she is stringing you along by telling you her mom is in the hospital, but you are avoiding the BIG ISSUE here.

 

 

I'm "overinvested" in women I date, do you know why? Because i have alot of other things that are productive that I could be getting done, rather than "acting" like im interested in a person. I only go out with someone if I know I at least like them a lot so far into our texting or whatever. Going into a date without being invested is a waste of time,

 

There is a difference between INTERESTED and overinvested. INTEREST is good. INVESTING in someone too early is not.

 

You have somewhat of a salesperson mindset "they spent hours with me so they owe me the sale" sort of mentality and you are unwilling to possibly reject someone yourself for a dealbreaker because you are more concerned about "winning". you are already suspicious of her.

 

You should go into a date with the purpose of meeting the woman, finding out if you can have pleasant conversation, there are no obvious dealbreakers and see if there is enough to go on to go on a second date. That is all. A date is not a waste of time because if it doesn't work out, you are closer to meeting someone that does work out.

 

Also, the mindset that you are "perfect" for someone needs to change if you want to successfully date. ANd successfully dating does not mean you will meet your future wife on the next date. It means that you enjoy yourself in the process and you recognize it for what it is until you do meet the right one. Being "perfect" for someone is not "on paper" --- height, weight, fitness, income, etc, there are many other factors such as readiness for a relationship, chemistry, timing, relationship style and more. If you look at each date as a competition to close a deal -- a woman might sense that. You will be closer to finding a relationship if you weed out women right away who are not looking for an eventual relationship, are married, plan to move to another country in a week, etc.

[abitbroken]

So she texted me back today. Again idk why she ignored me other messages and couldn't even respond a single word to them. But it's a pretty fair reason, her mom, I even saw for myself, was in a physical rehabilitation place after having a bad injury so she was always visiting her. Today, she messaged me back after I asked her out this Saturday. She said that her mom is now hospitalized and in ICU (which is a bad place to be) , and that she'll let me know. Wherever (I'll let you know) goes, we will see. Either she's honest or just continuing to string me along, but i have 3 more dates set up for this coming week to waste my time with (lol) so, whatever happens happens i guess,

 

You are a guy she just went out with one time. Her mom if in rehab or hospitalized is a higher priority than you. People must shut their phones off in the ICU, etc., and it could be if she saw the message she was trying not to seem needy. as to the "point of going out with you" is to meet you and see how you are in real life. If you are talking about her specifically - she probably could have gone out with you to get the ego boost that she is still desirable even though her marriage is ending, to get out of the house, or she does not want to be alone so she wants to find a guy before she is divorced.

[Braytc]

The first thing you should ask this woman before you go out again is "You mentioned something when we went out. You said you were going through a divorce. When was your divorce final or are you still married?" you have not done so. Its not rude to ask. you NEED to ask.

 

You are assuming there is a 50% chance that she is stringing you along by telling you her mom is in the hospital, but you are avoiding the BIG ISSUE here.

 

 

 

 

There is a difference between INTERESTED and overinvested. INTEREST is good. INVESTING in someone too early is not.

 

You have somewhat of a salesperson mindset "they spent hours with me so they owe me the sale" sort of mentality and you are unwilling to possibly reject someone yourself for a dealbreaker because you are more concerned about "winning". you are already suspicious of her.

 

You should go into a date with the purpose of meeting the woman, finding out if you can have pleasant conversation, there are no obvious dealbreakers and see if there is enough to go on to go on a second date. That is all. A date is not a waste of time because if it doesn't work out, you are closer to meeting someone that does work out.

 

Also, the mindset that you are "perfect" for someone needs to change if you want to successfully date. ANd successfully dating does not mean you will meet your future wife on the next date. It means that you enjoy yourself in the process and you recognize it for what it is until you do meet the right one. Being "perfect" for someone is not "on paper" --- height, weight, fitness, income, etc, there are many other factors such as readiness for a relationship, chemistry, timing, relationship style and more. If you look at each date as a competition to close a deal -- a woman might sense that. You will be closer to finding a relationship if you weed out women right away who are not looking for an eventual relationship, are married, plan to move to another country in a week, etc.

 

The funny thing about that statement is, both of my parents are business owners / sales people, and I just graduated with an MBA and am in sales hahah. There's no way that actually has an effect on my dating does it, i mean I leave all of that at the door and i really don't think of dates like that.

 

You're talking as if I didn't enjoy it. I've been on dates, like i said, many dates for years now. There have been girls where i go "wow i liked her" but we didn't go further and I felt nothing from it.

There have been girls where i go "neither of us seemed like we were feeling it at all" and of course, nothing from it for a reason at least.

Then there is this girl, and maybe 1 or 2 other girls, where after the date, I have like a really sick feeling in my stomach, and a broken heart feeling. How comes out of these hundreds of dates, this girl and 1 or 2 others, I literally feel sick over to the point of not being able to function, and afraid of not getting that 2nd date?

 

I appreciate what you're saying, but you're talking as if i just started dating people maybe 2 months ago, and every single date i go on im expecting to be gold. I am here BECAUSE this ONE was gold. I would not be here right now if i didn't get these feelings I am.

 

I am here because I FEEL this one IS THE RIGHT one, not the girl i dated last month, not the other 3 girls i dated the month before, not the other 4 girls i dated the month before that, not the other 4 girls i dated the month before that. but THIS one. Do you understand where I'm coming from?

 

All anyone says is "DONT WORRY PAL, YOU'LL GET THERE EVENTUALLY!" sorry but if i get any older, i'm literally just staying single since there will be no point. I've been at this since i was 20. Everyone else somehow gets in a relationship overnight, at any age, it makes zero sense

[Braytc]

You are a guy she just went out with one time. Her mom if in rehab or hospitalized is a higher priority than you. People must shut their phones off in the ICU, etc., and it could be if she saw the message she was trying not to seem needy. as to the "point of going out with you" is to meet you and see how you are in real life. If you are talking about her specifically - she probably could have gone out with you to get the ego boost that she is still desirable even though her marriage is ending, to get out of the house, or she does not want to be alone so she wants to find a guy before she is divorced.

 

I know that, that's why I'm saying, maybe there still is hope, and she's not messaging me because there's something that important going on. Again, as long as she isn't lying because like you said, im just that one guy she met, maybe she's being overdone as an excuse. But most likely her mother's injury really did escalate and is now more important than ever, so i could absolutely see being closed off for a bit, and i understand completely. I just find it so hard to believe they go through all of those nerves, etc just to "ego boost", i mean, the girl is so good looking she can just walk outside of her house and go anywhere and get an ego boost if you honestly look at it like that. I don't see the need to spend 6 hours with me and bring me all the way out there for that reason. That just seems a bit far-fetched

[Braytc]

So basically, however many people said she's probably still in the marriage, were correct. She said she's "making amends" with him, im just like "thanks for the waste of time, good marriage"