I'm such a mess. Please help?!

[confused198828]

I am a single mother of 2 boys. They're both 3 and 7 and both have severe intellectual disability. My 3 year old is developmentally 1 and my 7 year old is developmentally 2. We found out I have a genetic abnormality (that I had no idea about) that I passed on to my kids. This shocked me because nobody in my family has any disabilities or issue significant like this. Their father's not involved. He pays support but wants nothing to do with them. So I'm left doing this all by myself. I haven't been able to work the passed 2 years because I can't find anyone that I trust to watch my kids and nobody wants to deal with the extra needs my kids require. And they cant really talk so they couldnt tell me what happens. So I'm home 24/7 with them constantly going to appointments. This sounds horrible but I just feel so burnt out. I'm depressed and stressed out to the point I always feel sick. I feel like I don't want to do this anymore. It's mainly both my kids behavior. The constant fighting, screaming, hitting, biting, throwing things at me..etc. I just can't do it anymore. I have back problems and it's been acting up lately so I haven't been able to do much at all. My kids receive services such as therapies at school and an outpatient clinic. We are currently trying to get in home behavioral therapy. We get suggestions from their specialists but they don't work. I called my oldests therapist yesterday at the mental health clinic he's about to start. I use to be against medicating but his aggression is getting so bad and it's associated with this gene abnormality so it won't go away. Was told to call his Ped to see if they can get him on a med to calm him a little and to hold him over until he starts at the mental health clinic. So Wednesday we go to his Dr to discuss options. My 3 year olds behavior is so awful now and I imagine it's because of his brother always trying to hurt him. I have no support at all from family or friends. Parents and siblings don't even talk to me at all. When or if i do talk to them(in the past), they would tell me to suck it up and how its all my fault theyre the way they are. So i just dont talk to them anymore. I'm crying mutiple times a day, every day. I've gotten to the point where I'm having thoughts of suicide. I have no one. This entire thing is taking over my life. I'm so burnt out. And I just don't want to be here anymore. Every day is on repeat and my life is going nowhere. Had I known it was going to be this way, I wouldn't have had kids. I know I love them but most of the time I just don't want to deal with them anymore. It sounds terrible but I don't enjoy them. It's all too frustrating to live with. There's no way I can maintain a social life or a relationship so I forgot about ever having friends or having a partner. And I cut my family out for good. They don't treat my kids like they treat the other grandkids. I feel like they're all one big happy family and we're the outsiders/blacksheep. I don't know what to do. The kids have all the help they can get right now but doesn't feel like it's enough. I feel stuck, depressed, and alone. What would you do if you were in this situation?

[Lester]

Why do your parents blame you?

[IAmFCA]

paragraphs would help OP

[Sub servant]

Sweetheart your burning out you can't do this alone get on to social services they can get carers to help whilst your there plus point you in the direction for support with respite care, I didn't need paragraphs to see the pressure your under all alone. Don't be afraid to call your local borough believe me the cost to take them into care outweighs the carers (you can be there to build a trust) by the way to cope as you have tells me your a strong courageous woman xxxx please keep reaching out for support xx