Dates for the unfortunate

[Tuna010]

I have a friend who really likes girls with strong profiles. Not everyone subscribes to conventional 'beauty' standards.

 

Oh really that's really reassuring to here! I feel like most guys want a button nose, I get super self conscious about it, the guys that have accepted me like the way I look and never mention it unless they say it makes me look "European". I guess I have to keep putting myself out there until I find another guy who thinks the same of me... I'm just not traditionally pretty at all which makes it harder especially being so shy and paranoid doesn't help!

[Tuna010]

You DID go through with it, yes, but asking to cancel shows you would have taken a way out. I am suggesting that next time you wish to cancel, you remind yourself that a first meet is an opportunity to practice achieving your goals, that it was an interim goal of yours, and that now it is up to you to maximize that opportunity.

 

A first meet isn't so you can see if they like you. Its so you can see if you want to learn more. Who knows what the other person's goals are in meeting you. Maybe he, too, is trying to practice putting himself out there.

 

 

I feel like it's easy for you to say it so casually because you are probably attractive and confident, im neither, so it's a massive big deal to put myself out there. But I have decided all these rejections might just bring me closer to my potential future partner and if not well ...

[katrina1980]

Honestly tuna, I don't think it's your looks that are holding you back.

 

It's the negative perception you have of yourself that is holding you back.

 

How you feel about yourself will definitely affect how others (men) perceive you and feel about you.

 

I don't have a "button" nose and frankly I wouldn't want to!

 

Nor did any of my boyfriends!

 

With my European features, a button nose would look absolutely ridiculous on my face.

 

Not to mention, a button nose is fake looking (screams nose-job) and most men prefer natural even if not "perfect."

 

The men who want a perfect model specimen with zero flaws, well, all I will say is you wouldnt want those type of men anyway.

 

Not to mention such women don't even exist! Even super models.

 

Also I mentioned earlier, but a makeover can really boost your confidence!

 

Your perception of yourself will change, which will make a world of difference!

 

Embrace your uniqueness!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mustlovedogs]

Ah it's just so hard! My Exs are constantly trying to give me reassurance it's not my looks but I can't help that I think it is! I have a big nose,everyone says it's my Slavic heritage and the right person will appreciate it, but I think it puts ppl off!

 

Your ex’s should not be reassuring you at all.

 

You’ve had multiple relationships yes? They thought you were attractive enough then right?

[SweetGirl28]

I saw you post in another thread, about one of your exe's, saying its been over a year and even though you slept with someone else, it still bothers you after all this time that it's not him. Does this have anything to do with how you're feeling about yourself, and why you're seeing all these wrong with you? Are you still hung up and in love with him?

[Tuna010]

Your ex’s should not be reassuring you at all.

 

You’ve had multiple relationships yes? They thought you were attractive enough then right?

 

Yeh I've had a few bfs they never complained about my looks or lack there of, I feel like I fluked it though somehow though, I think they found me "attractive" because when I can be myself I can be really fun and silly which makes them feel the same. Lately I just feel like I've lost that part of me.

[Tuna010]

I saw you post in another thread, about one of your exe's, saying its been over a year and even though you slept with someone else, it still bothers you after all this time that it's not him. Does this have anything to do with how you're feeling about yourself, and why you're seeing all these wrong with you? Are you still hung up and in love with him?

 

I think I will probably always love him because love doesn't just go away but I know I can't be with him, I don't think that has anything to do with my low self esteem though as I remember I nearly didn't meet him because I thought he was so out of my league looks wise the only reason I went through with it was because I was like well I'd rather be rejected by someone who I think is amazing then someone I'm not very interested in, it was worth the risk.

[Tuna010]

You have to try to at least pretend to be confident, in a fake it till you make it sort of way. Sending that message put him off, so I feel you were rejected for that before you even got there.

 

It’s about how you carry yourself. You can show up apologizing, or show up laughing and smiling....it’s your choice.

 

Yeh I guess it's not very appealing acting so insecure about myself, I know I wouldn't find that attractive in a guy. At least I'm learning what not to do!

[Tuna010]

Honestly tuna, I don't think it's your looks that are holding you back.

 

It's the negative perception you have of yourself that is holding you back.

 

How you feel about yourself will definitely affect how others (men) perceive you and feel about you.

 

I don't have a "button" nose and frankly I wouldn't want to!

 

Nor did any of my boyfriends!

 

With my European features, a button nose would look absolutely ridiculous on my face.

 

Not to mention, a button nose is fake looking (screams nose-job) and most men prefer natural even if not "perfect."

 

The men who want a perfect model specimen with zero flaws, well, all I will say is you wouldnt want those type of men anyway.

 

Not to mention such women don't even exist! Even super models.

 

Also I mentioned earlier, but a makeover can really boost your confidence!

 

Your perception of yourself will change, which will make a world of difference!

 

Embrace your uniqueness!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks yeh I don't think a button nose would suit me either, I guess the right guy will see past superficial things like my nose but if I'm

Putting out a negative image of myself well they probably haven't got much to try and see past for. I look at couples last night all shapes and sizes and looks and they all manage to find partners and be happy despite not looking like models. I feel a bit better after reading these posts Thankyou 🙂

[katrina1980]

I'd be curious to see what your nose actually looks like, I highly doubt it's as grotesque as you think it is, in fact it's more likely it's quite the opposite.

 

I go through phases sometimes feeling extremely insecure about my looks, and this is because I resemble my mom in some ways (who was actually a beautiful model when she was younger), but who, if truth be told, was not a warm person, emotionally abusive and a crap mother.

 

Thank god I had my dad (who was the opposite) otherwise I'd be REALLY messed up!

 

Anyway, because I viewed my mom so negatively and "ugly," I sometimes view myself that way.

 

Then I remind myself exactly why I feel the way I do, and am able to shake off that insecurity, viewing myself more positively.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that often times our insecurity about our looks (or anything else) is more about our perception of ourselves based on various criteria versus the reality of what we actually look like.

[Tuna010]

I'd be curious to see what your nose actually looks like, I highly doubt it's as grotesque as you think it is, in fact it's more likely it's quite the opposite.

 

I go through phases sometimes feeling extremely insecure about my looks, and this is because I resemble my mom in some ways (who was actually a beautiful model when she was younger), but who, if truth be told, was not a warm person, emotionally abusive and a crap mother.

 

Thank god I had my dad (who was the opposite) otherwise I'd be REALLY messed up!

 

Anyway, because I viewed my mom so negatively and "ugly," I sometimes view myself that way.

 

Then I remind myself exactly why I feel the way I do, and am able to shake off that insecurity, viewing myself more positively.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that often times our insecurity about our looks (or anything else) is more about our perception of ourselves based on various criteria versus the reality of what we actually look like.

 

It just looks big as in it sticks out. I know it is big but I guess it could be worse, I could have no nose. What your saying makes sense, the more rejected I get the uglier I feel and think I look and then start to act accordingly. I just can't help but think I will be all alone or have to settle because of how I look, both are unbearable options.

[IAmFCA]

One of the losses of innocence of growing up (at any age):

 

There is nobody out there, no thing, no medium that exists to tell us "You are beautiful just the way you are." Sure, sometimes our friends tell us. Our loved ones and lovers tell us. Our therapist tells us. The folks on eNA tell us.

 

Nobody makes it true until we tell ourselves.

 

You have a responsibility to tell yourself this truth, and practice telling yourself. Believe it. Right it on your bathroom mirror with a dry ink pen.

 

It is a fact. And only you can reveal it to yourself.

[Jibralta]

There is nobody out there, no thing, no medium that exists to tell us "You are beautiful just the way you are."

 

Yup. In fact, only the opposite is freely available. It's very hard, in this world, not to have insecurities. They are critical for commerce. Literally everything is marketed to us as a way to mitigate our flaws. Shampoo tame our frizzy hair or revitalize our limp hair, dye to change its inadequate color. Concealer to cover our blemished, uneven skin. Eyeliner and mascara to make our eyes look better. Furniture, clothing and cars to make us look stylish and/or successful. Tattoos and piercings to make us look interesting/deep/badass.

 

It's quite a gauntlet. You have to take everything with a grain of salt because so much of it is BS.

 

It's easy, when you feel insecure, to focus all of that insecurity on one feature (like your nose!). That's just a funny trick of human psychology. Plenty of hideous people have beautiful noses. The nose isn't everything.

 

I find that attractiveness is never centered on a single feature, or even a group of features. It's the person as a whole who is attractive. Not just their facial features or figure, but how they dress, how they carry themselves, how they communicate with other people. If you really look at people, you'll see that everyone has ugly bits. But they get lost in the overall image of the person.

[IAmFCA]

Yup. In fact, only the opposite is freely available. It's very hard, in this world, not to have insecurities. They are critical for commerce. Literally everything is marketed to us as a way to mitigate our flaws. Shampoo tame our frizzy hair or revitalize our limp hair, dye to change its inadequate color. Concealer to cover our blemished, uneven skin. Eyeliner and mascara to make our eyes look better. Furniture, clothing and cars to make us look stylish and/or successful. Tattoos and piercings to make us look interesting/deep/badass.

 

It's quite a gauntlet. You have to take everything with a grain of salt because so much of it is BS.

 

It's easy, when you feel insecure, to focus all of that insecurity on one feature (like your nose!). That's just a funny trick of human psychology. Plenty of hideous people have beautiful noses. The nose isn't everything.

 

I find that attractiveness is never centered on a single feature, or even a group of features. It's the person as a whole who is attractive. Not just their facial features or figure, but how they dress, how they carry themselves, how they communicate with other people. If you really look at people, you'll see that everyone has ugly bits. But they get lost in the overall image of the person.

 

Yes! And re noses: the inverse is also true. Some beautiful people have noses that may not be attractive in isolation. It indeed is the energy one projects through the face, and not the face itself.

 

And, in juvenile fashion, enjoying "everyone has ugly bits'. lol

[Jibralta]

Yes! And re noses: the inverse is also true. Some beautiful people have noses that may not be attractive in isolation.

 

True. I have this friend who is just HANDSOME. Everyone just rolls their eyes and points to him as the handsome one, because he is! But when I really look at him, literally nothing is perfect on the man. He has no regular features! Yet, he is known for being handsome.

[Tuna010]

One of the losses of innocence of growing up (at any age):

 

There is nobody out there, no thing, no medium that exists to tell us "You are beautiful just the way you are." Sure, sometimes our friends tell us. Our loved ones and lovers tell us. Our therapist tells us. The folks on eNA tell us.

 

Nobody makes it true until we tell ourselves.

 

You have a responsibility to tell yourself this truth, and practice telling yourself. Believe it. Right it on your bathroom mirror with a dry ink pen.

 

It is a fact. And only you can reveal it to yourself.

 

This is true, a million people could tell me and I probably still wouldn't believe it because I don't think it, but I guess if I think it it will make things hurt a lot less, and I am nice on the inside so I will try make that shine through.

[Tuna010]

 

I find that attractiveness is never centered on a single feature, or even a group of features. It's the person as a whole who is attractive. Not just their facial features or figure, but how they dress, how they carry themselves, how they communicate with other people. If you really look at people, you'll see that everyone has ugly bits. But they get lost in the overall image of the person.

 

So true!! It's nice to hear other people think it's about more then just the exterior as it gives me some hope if I work on my personality and acting more confident perhaps I will in turn start to look attractive. One thing I did notice is when I had a bf and was the Happiest I'd ever been i seemed to get more attention from the opposite sex and I can only put it down to my happiness shining through or something because nothing on the outside had Changed at all.

[Jibralta]

One thing I did notice is when I had a bf and was the Happiest I'd ever been i seemed to get more attention from the opposite sex and I can only put it down to my happiness shining through or something because nothing on the outside had Changed at all.

 

It actually happens to a lot of people (including me), and as you say it's probably due to their contentment and relaxation.

[IAmFCA]

It actually happens to a lot of people (including me), and as you say it's probably due to their contentment and relaxation.

 

Yes, me too.

 

I notice, when my pic is taken with my kids I look pretty (to me); when in other company, I just don't (to me). My kids' company brings me some kind of peace / happiness that shows even when I am tired etc. and changes my look

[IAmFCA]

This is true, a million people could tell me and I probably still wouldn't believe it because I don't think it, but I guess if I think it it will make things hurt a lot less, and I am nice on the inside so I will try make that shine through.

 

Try to find the beauty in your face. The expression in your eyes, or the curve of your lip when about to smile, or the shape of your cheek, perhaps? There is no right answer. Use your judgment.

 

Love that part, because it it part of you, and it reflects the beauty of you and the humanity of you.

 

Your inner kindness is the same trait that allows you to be kind to yourself. You've got this.

[Tuna010]

Try to find the beauty in your face. The expression in your eyes, or the curve of your lip when about to smile, or the shape of your cheek, perhaps? There is no right answer. Use your judgment.

 

Love that part, because it it part of you, and it reflects the beauty of you and the humanity of you.

 

Your inner kindness is the same trait that allows you to be kind to yourself. You've got this.

 

Thanks I will try this, sometimes I don't mind how I look (sometimess)!But if no one else likes it it feels sad, everyone around me has partners except me literally

[IAmFCA]

Thanks I will try this, sometimes I don't mind how I look (sometimess)!But if no one else likes it it feels sad, everyone around me has partners except me literally

 

Sometimes that means you are around people who would rather be in a low-value relationship than to be not in a relationship.

 

Always hold out for a high value relationship - which you will attract as you practice being in love with (some days) and simply loving (most days) you.