How is it that some people always have a bf/gf and some are forever single?

[Tryingit]

OK maybe I can pinpoint my question more...

 

I, for example, am pretty successful professionally and education-wise etc. I have successfully switched careers multiple times. I started my own company. I got into my dream school. I bought a million dollar home before 30. I'm in really good shape etc. I decide I want something and boom! I do it. I have a lot of faith in my ability to "get things done" as long as I decide I want it.

 

Now, cut to relationships- I want a good, healthy, loving one, and have for at least 10 years. It's literally been my birthday wish, my new years wish, my christmas wish every single year. I've tried online dating. I've tried blind dates. I've actually settled!! Dated multiple people, especially recently, because I've gotten more hopeless/desperate, where everyone would tell me "you're settling." Even when I settle, it doesn't work out. I'm at a complete loss why I can have such clear, quantifiable, instant success in all arenas of life and NOT my love life. I'm a reallyyyy flexible, forgiving, kind, easy to get along with person. Fights are never the issue. In fact, it's happened to me repeatedly where everything is going great, no really, it is, and suddenly the guy just ends it or starts to fade or starts to blow up the relationship. It seemingly comes out of nowhere and a few months later I see them with another woman, committed and seemingly happy, a woman who is ALWAYS, by all objective measures, less pretty, less successful, less traveled, less educated, less everything than me. This kills me, honestly. It makes me just want to hang up my boots and not try. If I had even one clue as to why I have so much difficulty in this arena, I would have spent all my energy in fixing it, but I just simply don't.know. Hence, this question.

 

As far as not being happy for other people... I have the exact opposite feeling of jealousy toward almost every relationship I know of and interact with in real life. I mostly feel like damn it's so much better to be single than to be in that. Maybe I'm just surrounded by disproportionately bad relationships, or maybe that's just what they are. Again, I don't know. The very few examples of awesome, healthy relationships I do know of, I feel SO much awe and admiration for. I sometimes say I have "couple crushes" and I really do haha. They give me hope that the relationship I'm striving for actually exists, even if it hasn't happened for me, yet, ever.

[Lambert]

OK maybe I can pinpoint my question more...

 

I, for example, am pretty successful professionally and education-wise etc. I have successfully switched careers multiple times. I started my own company. I got into my dream school. I bought a million dollar home before 30. I'm in really good shape etc. I decide I want something and boom! I do it. I have a lot of faith in my ability to "get things done" as long as I decide I want it.

 

Now, cut to relationships- I want a good, healthy, loving one, and have for at least 10 years. It's literally been my birthday wish, my new years wish, my christmas wish every single year. I've tried online dating. I've tried blind dates. I've actually settled!! Dated multiple people, especially recently, because I've gotten more hopeless/desperate, where everyone would tell me "you're settling." Even when I settle, it doesn't work out. I'm at a complete loss why I can have such clear, quantifiable, instant success in all arenas of life and NOT my love life. I'm a reallyyyy flexible, forgiving, kind, easy to get along with person. Fights are never the issue. In fact, it's happened to me repeatedly where everything is going great, no really, it is, and suddenly the guy just ends it or starts to fade or starts to blow up the relationship. It seemingly comes out of nowhere and a few months later I see them with another woman, committed and seemingly happy, a woman who is ALWAYS, by all objective measures, less pretty, less successful, less traveled, less educated, less everything than me. This kills me, honestly. It makes me just want to hang up my boots and not try. If I had even one clue as to why I have so much difficulty in this arena, I would have spent all my energy in fixing it, but I just simply don't.know. Hence, this question.

 

As far as not being happy for other people... I have the exact opposite feeling of jealousy toward almost every relationship I know of and interact with in real life. I mostly feel like damn it's so much better to be single than to be in that. Maybe I'm just surrounded by disproportionately bad relationships, or maybe that's just what they are. Again, I don't know. The very few examples of awesome, healthy relationships I do know of, I feel SO much awe and admiration for. I sometimes say I have "couple crushes" and I really do haha. They give me hope that the relationship I'm striving for actually exists, even if it hasn't happened for me, yet, ever.

is the question: why?

 

Maybe there isn't a single reason. all those people and interactions are separate.

 

Maybe the love of your life is just around the corner.

 

i swear i understand your comments. i could have wrote it. when things are right they are and when they're not, they're not.

 

Maybe have more hope that it could happen than, reasons why it can't.

 

I always say: the world is full of people, places and opportunities. Keep searching.....

[Wiseman2]

Maybe these women are down to earth, more humble about themselves and have endearing qualities that don't list like a resume. Hopefully your online profile doesn't sound like that and instead taps into your lovable human qualities.

by all objective measures, less pretty, less successful, less traveled, less educated, less everything than me.

[Tryingit]

Maybe these women are down to earth, more humble about themselves and have endearing qualities that don't list like a resume. Hopefully your online profile doesn't sound like that and instead taps into your lovable human qualities.

 

I can't comment on their lovable qualities because I don't know anything about them, never met them etc. All I can see is the outward stuff you can pick up from social media. Who knows, maybe they are amazingly sweet, but so am I, dude. I am loyal, honest, kind, forgiving, sweet, so devoted and serious about someone when I like them...100% reliable. I have zero drama, not needy, play no games. No one I've ever dated has ever told me one insult or ONE reason of anything I did wrong to make it end. It's always "you've honestly been perfect. It's just me and my own issues." Then they'll end up with the girl that all I know about her is she ran out the door and smashed glasses in the kitchen once, or the girl that he is bitter because he always has to pay her bills. This has driven me nuts to try to figure out how to "fix" so sorry about the bluntness. I've thought about this ad nauseum.

 

It's always just felt like they didn't really fall for me, so eventually, they just wanted to leave, which is the hardest thing to deal with emotionally. Like, ok, I just wasn't loved. Hopefully one day I meet the guy that makes me look back and smile and feel happy that I finally found love.

[figureitout23]

You're attaching this to judgment like too many PC people nowadays, I don't see any judgment here, just acknowledging maybe why people are better or worse at something.

You might be better at a certain sport than a friend and there are reasons for this, you don't need to judge your friend to state the evidence, so why couldn't we find something that is relevant

to the dating or non dating people !?

 

 

You just said some people are good at sports some aren't, some are good at relationships some aren't. This is exactly my point, it simply is what it is there is no need for judgement. It says more about you that you're worried about other people's relationships than your own house. I agree nothing wrong with a general discussion but to say they're settling or unhappy, what's the point of that?

 

 

 

 

it's like anything else, people try to defend whatever they're situation is and degrade the opposite. as a society this is so wrong... and just perpetuates more stereotypes.

 

i feel like i learn a lot from the happy couples around me. it helps me stay centered in that, all the drama etc is dumb and to rise above it. keep going and find a nice partner that truly gives a hay.

 

i think it took me a long time to learn that. like so many things i used to think were so important, are not. and its the caring that matters.

 

Well said.

 

 

 

Now, cut to relationships- I want a good, healthy, loving one, and have for at least 10 years. It's literally been my birthday wish, my new years wish, my christmas wish every single year. I've tried online dating. I've tried blind dates. I've actually settled!! Dated multiple people, especially recently, because I've gotten more hopeless/desperate, where everyone would tell me "you're settling." Even when I settle, it doesn't work out. I'm at a complete loss why I can have such clear, quantifiable, instant success in all arenas of life and NOT my love life. I'm a reallyyyy flexible, forgiving, kind, easy to get along with person. Fights are never the issue. In fact, it's happened to me repeatedly where everything is going great, no really, it is, and suddenly the guy just ends it or starts to fade or starts to blow up the relationship. It seemingly comes out of nowhere and a few months later I see them with another woman, committed and seemingly happy, a woman who is ALWAYS, by all objective measures, less pretty, less successful, less traveled, less educated, less everything than me. This kills me, honestly. It makes me just want to hang up my boots and not try. If I had even one clue as to why I have so much difficulty in this arena, I would have spent all my energy in fixing it, but I just simply don't.know. Hence, this question.

 

As far as not being happy for other people... I have the exact opposite feeling of jealousy toward almost every relationship I know of and interact with in real life. I mostly feel like damn it's so much better to be single than to be in that. Maybe I'm just surrounded by disproportionately bad relationships, or maybe that's just what they are. Again, I don't know. The very few examples of awesome, healthy relationships I do know of, I feel SO much awe and admiration for. I sometimes say I have "couple crushes" and I really do haha. They give me hope that the relationship I'm striving for actually exists, even if it hasn't happened for me, yet, ever.

 

That makes very little sense, you see nothing but relationship failures around you but you want a relationship more than anything, I must be crazy because I don't desire things that I view as generally undesirable.

 

I'm always surprised when people get defensive about the idea of jealousy. It's a natural human emotion, like happiness or anger or sadness, people are quick to say they're sad or happy but the idea of jealousy seems to have a negative connotation. I don't get it.

 

I'm jealous at least once a week, whether it's another coworkers lunch or someone's progress in their diet or a home improvement. It says nothing about me, if anything that jealousy turns into desire to either try to create the same lunch dish or complete a home improvement task myself. Again these are natural human emotions.

[Jibralta]

I've known people that so seamlessly hop from one bf/gf to the next that they are single max like 5% of their life. I've also known people who are single for 10+ years easily. This seems in no way to be correlated with how big of a catch they are or how emotionally stable / self secure. So what is it? What makes some people constantly find love and others apparently never?

 

When I was in my late teens/early 20s I had a couple of friends who were constantly in relationships. And they were all nuts. I honestly think there is some kind of sonar that enables two nutballs to find each other and get together.

 

I have one girlfriend now who is quite good at monkey branching. She's not deranged, though. The thing about monkey branching is, you have to lay the foundation for the next relationship while you're in the first relationship. That's not for me, so I've never done it. Also, I've always had this rule about waiting at least a month between relationships (it would have to be a lot longer than a month now that I'm all grown up).

[Last Gentleman]

You just said some people are good at sports some aren't, some are good at relationships some aren't. This is exactly my point, it simply is what it is there is no need for judgement. It says more about you that you're worried about other people's relationships than your own house. I agree nothing wrong with a general discussion but to say they're settling or unhappy, what's the point of that?

 

I reiterate, there is no judgement in my text you are projecting what you want to read, sorry stating facts about me and people I know without derogatory or negative parts, isn't passing judgement !

The funniest part is you're judging me by implying I care more about others relationships than mine, again that's what you want to think, it's really far from reality the guy is one of my best friends,

I think it's normal we talk relationships between us.

 

Look at my post again never did I use the words you are putting in my mouth, unhappy and settling, you seem think everyone is ever judging everyone, I'm just sharing ideas on a forum, relax !

[Last Gentleman]

When I was in my late teens/early 20s I had a couple of friends who were constantly in relationships. And they were all nuts. I honestly think there is some kind of sonar that enables two nutballs to find each other and get together.

 

I have one girlfriend now who is quite good at monkey branching. She's not deranged, though. The thing about monkey branching is, you have to lay the foundation for the next relationship while you're in the first relationship. That's not for me, so I've never done it. Also, I've always had this rule about waiting at least a month between relationships (it would have to be a lot longer than a month now that I'm all grown up).

 

I always find this thinking of yours and other women very strange, so monkey branching isn't for you because you have good boundaries, about taking a month before going into another relationship,

which I applaud and hope more people would apply.

So you realize this isn't good for you, hopefully the partner too and you say you even need more time having now matured, yet you seem to find this behavior acceptable since you don't say anything

against it, or tell your friend it's never working to do this !? I don't get it, why do women accept other women's bad behaviors so often, without saying anything especially if it is your friends, I have

told many times my male friends that what they were doing was not good, but I don't see this so much among women, maybe I'm wrong can you explain this to me !?

[Wiseman2]

First of all don't waste your time stalking exes/competitors, etc online. Stop comparing yourself to that. It sounds like you want too much too soon and want instant love, devotion and excessive admiration. To be honest no one cares how well traveled you are or what you home/career is worth, etc. If a man doesn't see a kind softhearted woman he can picture himself with it doesn't matter. Also if you come off as being better than people all the time, it looks insecure and desperate.

All I can see is the outward stuff you can pick up from social media. It's always just felt like they didn't really fall for me, so eventually, they just wanted to leave, which is the hardest thing to deal with emotionally. Like, ok, I just wasn't loved. Hopefully one day I meet the guy that makes me look back and smile and feel happy that I finally found love.

[Last Gentleman]

OK maybe I can pinpoint my question more...

 

I, for example, am pretty successful professionally and education-wise etc. I have successfully switched careers multiple times. I started my own company. I got into my dream school. I bought a million dollar home before 30. I'm in really good shape etc. I decide I want something and boom! I do it. I have a lot of faith in my ability to "get things done" as long as I decide I want it.

 

Now, cut to relationships- I want a good, healthy, loving one, and have for at least 10 years. It's literally been my birthday wish, my new years wish, my christmas wish every single year. I've tried online dating. I've tried blind dates. I've actually settled!! Dated multiple people, especially recently, because I've gotten more hopeless/desperate, where everyone would tell me "you're settling." Even when I settle, it doesn't work out. I'm at a complete loss why I can have such clear, quantifiable, instant success in all arenas of life and NOT my love life. I'm a reallyyyy flexible, forgiving, kind, easy to get along with person. Fights are never the issue. In fact, it's happened to me repeatedly where everything is going great, no really, it is, and suddenly the guy just ends it or starts to fade or starts to blow up the relationship. It seemingly comes out of nowhere and a few months later I see them with another woman, committed and seemingly happy, a woman who is ALWAYS, by all objective measures, less pretty, less successful, less traveled, less educated, less everything than me. This kills me, honestly. It makes me just want to hang up my boots and not try. If I had even one clue as to why I have so much difficulty in this arena, I would have spent all my energy in fixing it, but I just simply don't.know. Hence, this question.

 

As far as not being happy for other people... I have the exact opposite feeling of jealousy toward almost every relationship I know of and interact with in real life. I mostly feel like damn it's so much better to be single than to be in that. Maybe I'm just surrounded by disproportionately bad relationships, or maybe that's just what they are. Again, I don't know. The very few examples of awesome, healthy relationships I do know of, I feel SO much awe and admiration for. I sometimes say I have "couple crushes" and I really do haha. They give me hope that the relationship I'm striving for actually exists, even if it hasn't happened for me, yet, ever.

 

I would dare to say I think you are delusional, because if you're so great why do you compare with these other women ? I read your text and as a man the feeling I get, is you seem to lack passion and

come as pretty negative, seems like you kind of have a man's way of thinking, which is a total turn off for most guys.

I feel you only look at all your achievements making you extremely desirable, but in order to be this competitive woman maybe you lost the feminine part of your character, that part which keeps a man

coming for more, so you might be great, but eventually the feminine energy lack pushes men away from you, that's my theory don't feel attacked it's not my goal here, think about it !

[catfeeder]

There's a huge gap of a difference between reaching for any relationship versus holding out for the RIGHT relationship.

 

You've had success in every other area of your life, so why not trust that the very same energies from your highest intelligence are at work FOR you in preventing you from making any permanent mistakes in 'settling' for the wrong people?

 

When you're accustomed to things falling into place quickly, the one skill that you may still need to develop is patience. That's the pivotal part of maturity that can prevent impulsiveness from ruining your life. Especially after working so hard to build your own foundation, patience affords you the key ingredient you need to enjOy it.

 

A frantic search for a mate deprives you of the ability to 'see' and trust an evolution process in the lives of two people who will grow into being a great match for one another. Meeting your match prematurely can derail the match. When you can relax and trust that the RIGHT person for you may not be the very next person you meet, you'll screen dates carefully, you'll hold optimism, and you'll enjoy settling into your SELF rather than discouraging yourself with useless wheelspins.

 

You're creating an energy that could repel rather than attract the best person for you. I'd rethink that, pull back and adjust my focus away from the processes over which you do NOT own full control because another person is involved. I can appreciate that this is difficult for someone who's accustomed to control. Simple and easy are not the same things. Learning how to trust that the same forces that fall into place in all other aspects are also at work in protecting you until you can learn how to step out of your own way.

 

Head high, meditate, calm down, and regroup with a new perspective that 'allows' the good around you to teach you how to trust your own evolution. Your external focus has served you well, but now it's time to learn how to focus on your inner landscape while the externals fall into place. You'll thank yourself later.

[Batya33]

hi batya!

 

As much as I love this forum and I find all the topics interesting and responses as well. There's a lot of generalizations, as we try to give advice and perspectives. And I really just think any given situation is going to go the way it's going to go because it's not exact science.

 

Do people settle? yes. But maybe it's not settling maybe it's negotiating what you're willing to put up with in terms of compromise to get what you want maybe more so.

 

Don't we all do that in every aspect of Our Lives?

 

I guess I just never met the guy or I haven't met the guy yet, (never is a long time) that has potential. I think if you read my posts, you can tell I'm a giver and I always give the benefit of the doubt.... but I really try to keep my inner dialogue honest with myself. And because of that I think I've been able to move on from past relationships because i need more and it is possible. I know people judge me. And I wish it didn't hurt my feelings, but i handle it the best i can. like everything else. lol

 

Yes, I agree. I have a different definition of "settling" than you do from what I read above and that's cool -what makes the world go around! I'm sorry people judge you. I was judged for many years because of my single status, in various forms. And as my married friend advised me when I was pregnant, she said the judgments don't stop -she was referring specifically to her decision to have one child - we had one child but would have had more -turned out she was right -of course joining the 'married club" and "mom" club didn't stop people who like to judge from making inappropriate comments. At least after all those years of the single-related comments I had a really thick skin.

 

I'm not sure if you had an issue with my post -hope not. i'm sure you're doing what you feel is appropriate to meet a good match -good luck!!

[Batya33]

I do think success in other areas helps to the extent of being goal oriented, being internally motivated to reach the goal, being reliable and depending on the career having people skills. It's great that you're flexible, reliable, would do anything -those are all positives. And on the other hand it's in a vacuum. Because it's out of context -so, even if you "like" someone it doesn't mean that those qualities will be there when they need to be, in daily life, daily interactions. It's so much messier than professional life(which can be like a dysfunctional family, don't get me wrong but romantic relationships often are messier-and more fun as a result depending on the source of the mess).

 

I'd stop looking at social media as any indication whatsoever about whether a relationship is good, bad or otherwise. Stop completely.

[Lambert]

Yes, I agree. I have a different definition of "settling" than you do from what I read above and that's cool -what makes the world go around! I'm sorry people judge you. I was judged for many years because of my single status, in various forms. And as my married friend advised me when I was pregnant, she said the judgments don't stop -she was referring specifically to her decision to have one child - we had one child but would have had more -turned out she was right -of course joining the 'married club" and "mom" club didn't stop people who like to judge from making inappropriate comments. At least after all those years of the single-related comments I had a really thick skin.

 

I'm not sure if you had an issue with my post -hope not. i'm sure you're doing what you feel is appropriate to meet a good match -good luck!!

 

hey batya! no issues. just keeping up my end of the convo [emoji8]

 

you're so right about everyone judging every stage. its a no win. that's why we just gotta keep true to ourselves. i feel if you want something, you gotta keep going for it regardless of others. as my dad would say- do they pay your bills? then who cares what they think.

[Batya33]

hey batya! no issues. just keeping up my end of the convo [emoji8]

 

you're so right about everyone judging every stage. its a no win. that's why we just gotta keep true to ourselves. i feel if you want something, you gotta keep going for it regardless of others. as my dad would say- do they pay your bills? then who cares what they think.

 

Love what your dad said!!

[catfeeder]

as my dad would say- do they pay your bills? then who cares what they think.

 

Love it. Also, "Are they living your love life FOR you? Then who cares what they think...". Our love lives are not a democracy, they are ours alone to navigate. If we allow external pressures like opinions or a calendar to drive our behavior, we'll continually end up in deep doo-doo.

[Seraphim]

Love it. Also, "Are they living your love life FOR you? Then who cares what they think...". Our love lives are not a democracy, they are ours alone to navigate. If we allow external pressures like opinions or a calendar to drive our behavior, we'll continually end up in deep doo-doo.

Yup, got to the age in life I could care less.

[Lambert]

Love what your dad said!!

me, too. he's the best. and it is true!

[Lambert]

Love it. Also, "Are they living your love life FOR you? Then who cares what they think...". Our love lives are not a democracy, they are ours alone to navigate. If we allow external pressures like opinions or a calendar to drive our behavior, we'll continually end up in deep doo-doo.

Amen catfeeder!

[Jibralta]

you seem to find this behavior acceptable since you don't say anything

against it, or tell your friend it's never working to do this !?

 

What makes you assume that this is true?

[Jibralta]

I'm at a complete loss why I can have such clear, quantifiable, instant success in all arenas of life and NOT my love life.

 

Being good at a couple of things doesn't make you good at everything. In fact, it can work against you because it can develop in you a false sense of competence, and an inability to admit to and develop beyond your own incompetence in some areas.

 

That makes very little sense, you see nothing but relationship failures around you but you want a relationship more than anything, I must be crazy because I don't desire things that I view as generally undesirable.

 

This is a good observation, and before I was with my current boyfriend, I also suffered from the same contradictory thinking. I wanted to be in a relationship, yet every time I looked at a couple, they seemed unhappy to me. Even strangers passing by on the highway! In retrospect, I think this was due to my fear of commitment (which, oddly, I got past only after I became involved with someone that I really, really liked). Now when I see other couples, I think they are all happy.

[Last Gentleman]

What makes you assume that this is true?

 

Well you said it's not for me, as I would've said Monkey branching I don't do it because it's not respectful of people, see the difference so I assumed it didn't cause you any issues.

[Jibralta]

Well you said it's not for me, as I would've said Monkey branching I don't do it because it's not respectful of people, see the difference so I assumed it didn't cause you any issues.

 

Well, you assumed incorrectly.