7 years wasted....?

[rosie1121]

I do love him, he has helped me so much and been there for me through times when I've really needed someone. He's been there for me when my family isn't, and he does do things that make me feel loved. Appreciated I dont feel so much either. I am a hard worker, i have always prided my self on that. I have worked since I graduated. He's told me in the past that I do not have to work as much as I did because we didnt need the extra money. I just couldnt walk away form the money that I do make.

[DancingFool]

You know what stood out to me from your very first post - that you are a hard worker, that you do a lot. This man is attacking the very essence of who you are, your very foundation and claiming that you are something other than who you are. I mean he calls you lazy...... I see danger signs written all over this. You are emotionally vulnerable because of your family issues and he is riding them to his advantage and your detriment. This is not a life partner, this is a lot like sleeping with the enemy.

[itsallgrand]

I do love him, he has helped me so much and been there for me through times when I've really needed someone. He's been there for me when my family isn't, and he does do things that make me feel loved. Appreciated I dont feel so much either. I am a hard worker, i have always prided my self on that. I have worked since I graduated. He's told me in the past that I do not have to work as much as I did because we didnt need the extra money. I just couldnt walk away form the money that I do make.

 

And I don't blame you! It's smart to keep some financial independence.

 

I'm getting this vibe that he wants you at home all the time, dependent on him, just working away at what makes things more convienent for him. He outright told you he expects you to do everything. And if there were children, you'd be expected to do all that too.

 

You don't strike me as someone who is looking for someone to carry her through life, that's why I'm so confused you ever agreed to his arrangement.

[Mari]

He works away almost all the time. He says he considers me taking care of the house showing him he's wanted and appreciated.. so he's very against that. He says if I can't take care of everything who's to say I can take care of kids and be a wife?

 

After reading that statement, congratulations on the breakup! His language of love is work. So as long as you do stuff for him he's going to feel in love. The problem with this love language is it's difficult to estimate a project and only specific work counts towards love. This puts you in a losing battle and creates an unrealistic and unachievable goal. Here's what you actually do right now:

 

1) Take care of horses morning and evening.

2) Work full time just like he does.

3) Cook and clean for yourself.

4) Take care of the yard.

5) Take care of bills.

6) Take care of the house while he's away.

 

Here's what he's doing:

1) Works full time and works away from the house.

2) Complains about how he doesn't have help when he's home.

 

Your schedule is work from 4am to 7pm which is 15 hours of work. That leaves you with one hour a day and then the rest of the 8 would go towards sleep. Despite this schedule he thinks he has the right to complain that you don't do enough and that you wouldn't be a good wife or mother?

 

If you were a stay at home mom, your responsibilities would be kids, cooking and cleaning. Yard work would fall on him, taking care of a horse would fall on him and a full time job would fall on him. You would be working half as much as you do now. You would get breaks and have the right to go to your mom's and have her take care of things even in a house wife situation. You need to kick this guy and his horse to the curb. No need wasting 8 years on this relationship, 7 is enough. I'm usually for staying together but this guy needs to go and date other people to finally realize how good he had it with you. And you need to date someone else who hopefully doesn't have work as a love language and you will be just fine, happy, and happily married with that guy. You don't know what you're missing because of this guy. Please spend your time getting over him and moving on. I wish you the best.

[thealchemist]

I have questions before I hold any judgements.

 

So he works a lot but makes a lot of money? He wants you to do all the work and him to little to none(housework)?

[rosie1121]

I have questions before I hold any judgements.

 

So he works a lot but makes a lot of money? He wants you to do all the work and him to little to none(housework)?

 

When he's home be does do alot of things around the house. I guess what I'm saying is I don't feel like I'm appreciated either.

[Wiseman2]

It seems he pays you to take care of and board his horse? Whose house? Whose apt? Who is paying the rent on the apt and this house where the horse is?

He makes good money so he's always provided financially for us. We have a horse that we have "together", hes registered in his name but he is still at the house. He pays me "horse boarding", which is the exact amount of our rent, and he's even left quite a few things at our apartment.

[rosie1121]

It was our apartment and he left, I now pay the rent and bills. He used to, yes our apartment is where the horse is.

[Wiseman2]

So it's your apt and he's at his mothers and he pays you horse care/boarding fees for his horse? It seems you make some extra income from that enough to cover the rent on your own?

It was our apartment and he left, I now pay the rent and bills. He used to apartment is where the horse is.

[rosie1121]

So it's your apt and he's at his mothers and he pays you horse care/boarding fees for his horse? It seems you make some extra income from that enough to cover the rent on your own?

 

Yes, it is. Not to mention half of his stuff is still there. I don't know, I have an appointment with a therapist today, hopefully they will help me some especially with my anxiety.

[Wiseman2]

Ok. Ask him to get his stuff out. You don't have to board his stuff for free. He can afford a place and/or get a paid storage unit. Never let someone camp at mommy's and daddy's while they decide if they want you and leave their junk around for you to babysit. You need to take control. Don't be in limbo, that will reduce a lot of your anxiety right there. His stuff is not him nor the relationship. It's just clutter that you don't need around preventing you from reflecting and deciding what you want to/need to do.

half of his stuff is still there. I don't know, I have an appointment with a therapist today, hopefully they will help me some especially with my anxiety.

[fwdthinker]

Ok. Ask him to get his stuff out. You don't have to board his stuff for free. He can afford a place and/or get a paid storage unit. Never let someone camp at mommy's and daddy's while they decide if they want you and leave their junk around for you to babysit. You need to take control. Don't be in limbo, that will reduce a lot of your anxiety right there. His stuff is not him nor the relationship. It's just clutter that you don't need around preventing you from reflecting and deciding what you want to/need to do.

 

This is gold

[Last Gentleman]

Have you sat done and gone over responsibilities? Perhaps, when he can see exactly what you do, he will understand that you are doing your fair share.

 

I think that you both should seek couples counseling. This is not about one person.

 

Also, you need to cu off the dates and sex, if he does not want a relationship. You need to stop giving him the benefit of one.

 

This ! Whatever the reasons or situations coercing a man by withholding sex, is just as abusive as mind games or passive aggressiveness, If you're not happy leave or make him leave and

be adult talking about the issues, withholding on purpose what is one of the foundations of an intimate relationship, to force a guy doing something is very selfish and just wrong, it's crazy

how most women have this power and abuse it, you surely wouldn't like it if the situation would be reversed !

 

Then for the matter itself, the guy might be unreasonable yes, though you don't sound very in love it just seems like a mutual agreement, more than a relationship to me so I guess you should

split, nothing really worth saving it seems.

[Hollyj]

Ok. Ask him to get his stuff out. You don't have to board his stuff for free. He can afford a place and/or get a paid storage unit. Never let someone camp at mommy's and daddy's while they decide if they want you and leave their junk around for you to babysit. You need to take control. Don't be in limbo, that will reduce a lot of your anxiety right there. His stuff is not him nor the relationship. It's just clutter that you don't need around preventing you from reflecting and deciding what you want to/need to do.

 

Spot on!!!!