Really struggling to move forward

[whatevs14]

Hi whatevs, hope you're feeling better every day.

 

There's one straightforward way of thinking about this: if you think the issue that led to the break up was not major enough to break but apparently your ex thinks otherwise, maybe it's because you had different views on the relationship. Perhaps you were more invested than him. Maybe his heart was not as in it as yours. Sometimes we get to attached to how WE perceive the relationship and forget about the other part. Perhaps you were a bit blind thinking he was the perfect guy for you, making it difficult to see the red flags, the incompatibilities, etc.

 

I know we get like this when we find someone who we think are a perfect match for us. Your first paragraph shows high levels of infatuation and even co-dependency. I'm only saying this because I only recently found I act in a similar way. This is probably more about you projecting your needs on him than him actually being perfect for you. If he was, you'd still be together. You think this is about what you said to him, but it's not.

 

Again, how you're feeling about the break up is more about you than about him. You became overly attached to him. You said you were together for 8 months, but I'd put my money on the fact that you probably thought he was perfect within the first 2 or 3 months. There is no such thing as a perfect partner for us or a 100% match. This is more about attachment traumas you may have had in the past than your current narrative that you lost the perfect man for you.

 

A way forward is to try to investigate yourself, do a bit of soul-searching and therapy would go a long way for you too. You need to stop obsessing over him and start thinking about what may need fixing in YOU. You'll not gonna find the answers by obsessing about him, about if you're to blame, about what was said. You'll find your answers if you start to look inside you and wonder why you may be feeling like this. Losing someone we love is hard, we all know that. But life is made of how we react to things that happen to us. We'll keep losing loved people in our lives, be it lovers dumping us, people diying, etc. This is all very hard, but we need to learn how to deal with those things in a healthier way. Everything in life is temporary. We have to accept that to heal so we're ready for our next chapter.

 

Again, I urge you to stop overthinking every little thing that may have led to the break up. This is all very recent, so it's ok to feel sad. Just accept that but don't obsess over it. A break up is usually a good chance for us to learn about ourselves and be better for the next person who comes to our life. If you make healthy changes in your life as a reaction to the break up, chances are you'll find someone even better when you're healed.

 

Love is more about our own state of mind than it is about having found a perfect match. Once you start loving yourself again, you'll see that a new love will come to your life without much effort.

 

I wish you all the best in moving forward.

 

Thank you so, so much for your thoughtful response. I really did think he was the perfect guy for me, with all his imperfections. But he had also said the same about me. I think you're right in saying that I was infatuated and co-dependent - I couldn't get enough of him and thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to have met him and to have him in my life.

 

There's a lot that I need to fix in myself that I've pushed down and ignored. What you've said actually goes along with a book I'm reading that talks about turning a devastating breakup into the best thing that ever happened. I'm slowly working through the exercises outlined in the book and I have so much hope that I'll eventually be able to heal and thrive moving forward.

 

You're right in that I also need to stop overthinking and obsessing over every single detail. I still can't believe this happened and that he's no longer in my life, and I'm searching for answers that I'll never find. I'll try my best to stop and refocus that energy on myself instead. I just really miss him.

 

Thanks again for the advice and support - it means so much.