Anon1277 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 So this is the first time I've posted on this forum as I'm seeking impartial honest advise regarding my boyfriend of ten years cheating on me for the second time I found out three days ago and give him his dues, he at least had the decency to tell me, anyway he kissed a girl twice whom is friends with his best mate on a night out, so he says he was very drunk and it didn't mean anything and following him cheating, he's assured me they've never spoken again. After he told me, obviously I felt extremely hurt as 6 years ago he slept with his ex girlfriend and unfortunately it brought up all the same feelings of distrust and uncertainty about our relationship, I was justifiably very angry with him and made it clear how out of line he was, yelled at him, cried and made him feel awful for hurting me again. After I'd calmed down, we managed to sit down and talk things through, he apologized profusely, although did express feelings that he feels he's no good for me and that he doesn't deserve me, yadda, yadda, yadda, we came to the conclusion that our relationship was worth saving, we've been together for ten years, I met him at 17, we live together, my family love him and cheating aside we have a really strong connection, may sound cheesy but he is my soul mate. However, I found it in myself to forgive him, made a conscious decision that I wasn't going to bring it up in every argument and that it would absolutely break my heart to end things, though I did make it clear to him that he really has to work on rebuilding my trust and show me how sorry he is. Now my concern is that he appears so ridiculously guilty that it's becoming very difficult to move on and rebuild the relationship, he is moping round the house, not speaking to me, seems very sad and is frankly not himself at all, I want the man I fell in love with back, I understand he's going to feel regret and be angry at himself but I feel as if he isn't really making it up to me by being so down all the time, I'd like to know what people think and if anyone has any suggestions on how he can learn to forgive himself as I have decided to forgive him, please help me because I am so exasperated and I think after being together for so long, I can't imagine leaving him after ten years cause I love him so much and I do know how much he loves me, thank you for reading this and I hope to hear back from someone soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cope Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Well you two got together quite young. If he is a nice guy in general maybe it's just the fact that both of you didn't really "live" ya know? I think people need to explore before they settle down and I do think some people are "unlucky" in their luckiness when they find a perfect partner at such a young age. Trust is broken and that's a tough one to build again. I only want to ask if you are open to two things: a) A break. Being "free" from someone you think you can't live your life without helps to see if you really can't, it gives you perspective. and b) opening up your relationship. It's not as scary as it may sound, although come to think of it, I wouldn't do it at this point in the relationship, but I'd work on the thought of it when the trust is rebuilt. I can't imagine leaving him after ten years cause I love him so much and I do know how much he loves me It's not easy, but possible. People love each other for various reasons, that doesn't mean they have to spend their lives together as a couple. Just sayin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glitterfingers Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I'm wondering if he's not telling you the full truth, hence his distancing himself... It's a bit hard to say if his behaviour is out of guilt for what he's confessed, for cheating twice, if he's experiencing some self-doubt and re-evaluating how he feels about the relationship, or ofc if there might be more to the story that he's decided not to share. I know he may feel like a soulmate but that doesn't negate the fact that he is a separate person, he is his own person with his own thoughts and decisions, and some of those decisions have been questionable. So I wouldn't assume you know him quite as much as you do - he is obviously able to hide some things from you, anyhow. I'd give him a few days, up to a week of space and take some for yourself. If it is just that he is processing the guilt, then let him - he needs to do that. It shows he is genuinely trying to reconcile his actions with his values, and trying to grow from this so that it won't happen again. People need space to grow even in close relationships. Once he's ready, hopefully he will come back to the relationship and move forward with you, a better/stronger/wiser person. If you're still having problems after that, I'd ask him what's going on and if he's got anything more he'd like to share...doubts or confessions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyman Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I can't imagine leaving him after ten years cause I love him so much and I do know how much he loves me, Can you imagine how you feel if you stay with him and he does it again? And again? Yes, he loves you, but it seems he also enjoys getting drunk and loving other women as well. Now he is moping, wandering around showing his regret visibly in a means to manipulate you into forgiving him, which in turn is handing him the statement that if he does it again, he can likely manipulate you into forgiving him again? How many times will you have to go through this? And that guy you fell in love with is still there, he's just a cheater as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Sorry to hear this is going on for you. It seems you got together very young then moved in together and neither of you have sown your wild oats, except he's doing this while with you. Sadly you have over invested in this and because he knows you are too dependent and afraid to be on your own he walks all over you. He has no reason not to cheat with your free passes. The wisest thing for you to do is pull your self respect together and stop being a martyr and forgiving him repeatedly. Why don't you move out for a while and stay with your parents/family so you can reflect and think. Also do not contact him during this time so he can think about this as well. You need to make changes because he won't. He has no incentive to. He knows you'll just forgive and forget over and over. we've been together for ten years, I met him at 17, we live together.I can't imagine leaving him after ten years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annia Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Sorry to hear this is going on for you. It seems you got together very young then moved in together and neither of you have sown your wild oats, except he's doing this while with you. Sadly you have over invested in this and because he knows you are too dependent and afraid to be on your own he walks all over you. He has no reason not to cheat with your free passes. The wisest thing for you to do is pull your self respect together and stop being a martyr and forgiving him repeatedly. Why don't you move out for a while and stay with your parents/family so you can reflect and think. Also do not contact him during this time so he can think about this as well. You need to make changes because he won't. He has no incentive to. He knows you'll just forgive and forget over and over. I fully agree that this is the best course of action at the moment. You need to enforce your boundaries through actions, or he'll continue to step all over you with no consequences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Depressed because of what he did or depressed that he doesn't have the proverbial balls to end this relationship and no matter what he does, you won't leave him either...... Have you considered that unpleasant possibility OP? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nicolewill Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 So this is the first time I've posted on this forum as I'm seeking impartial honest advise regarding my boyfriend of ten years cheating on me for the second time The only super crazy wrong things it seems he did was cheat the first time. That wasn't right. But, you forgave him and moved on, and you guys have been together 10 years, that's amazing! It takes a strong woman to do that. I can tell you both really love each other. I'm sure he was really sorry and spent years making it up to you, only to lose your trust again by kissing some girl. I'm going to be honest and give you my opinion. He was drunk. And he's sorry. I've been there. You really do some stupid things when you're drunk. Doesn't mean you don't love your significant other or would wanna get with someone else, just means the alcohol took over, you blacked out, and literally did whatever. I don't think that should end your relationship. He seems sincerely sorry. Instead, I think you should talk to him about maybe not getting drunk unless you're around. I'm not saying don't let him go out with his friends, or even drink. But if this is what he does when he's drunk then maybe he needs to not drink until he's drunk, at least when he's not around you to help his drunk mind make good decisions. There's a reason you cant get a tattoo or piercing when you're drunk. You can't make good decisions. It happens. We're human. I don't think the answer is to throw away 10 years of your life with your best friend, all you've ever known. Not saying you can't, I just personally don't think that's the solution. So maybe talk with him about the drinking solution. When I made that mistake I stopped going out then and there all together. If that was the decisions I was going to make when I'm out and drunk without him, I don't wanna do it. It's not worth it. And if he feels like going out and getting plastered without you is more important than your relationship, then he's probably not the right one. I know it's hard to trust again but if he really wants it he'll do anything. I hope you find your peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unreasonable Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 If you want to stay with this guy, you need to go to go to couples counselling, and you need to emphasize that if he does this again, you're done. And you need to stick to it. Otherwise this is going to keep happening. I'd say do something dramatic like get a separation, but that boat might have already sailed, since you already indicated you'd keep working on this, he was your soul mate, yada yada yada. Regardless of that, he needs to know what you're dead serious about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Alcohol doesn't change you. It just removes inhibitions. I always get so disgusted at people who try to blame drugs or alcohol for their actions. I have had more than my fair share of both. They didn't change him. They just gave him the frame of mind to let him do what he really wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glitterfingers Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Alcohol doesn't change you. It just removes inhibitions. I always get so disgusted at people who try to blame drugs or alcohol for their actions. I have had more than my fair share of both. They didn't change him. They just gave him the frame of mind to let him do what he really wants. No offence intended, but drugs and alcohol affect different people in different ways. That's just basic biochemistry. And because of that basic biological variation, they can in fact cause different behaviours in different people despite acting on the same neurotransmitters. That variation is also why some people become addicted/dependant on certain drugs (or activities) and not others I only say this because I don't believe it's correct to judge someone's intoxicated behaviour as representative of their "true selves" All it says is that this person needs to check themselves on their drug and alcohol intake if they recognise that it's an issue for them. If they can't or won't do that, that is a big problem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustlovedogs Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 No offence intended, but drugs and alcohol affect different people in different ways. That's just basic biochemistry. And because of that basic biological variation, they can in fact cause different behaviours in different people despite acting on the same neurotransmitters. That variation is also why some people become addicted/dependant on certain drugs (or activities) and not others I only say this because I don't believe it's correct to judge someone's intoxicated behaviour as representative of their "true selves" All it says is that this person needs to check themselves on their drug and alcohol intake if they recognise that it's an issue for them. If they can't or won't do that, that is a big problem Does alcohol remove awareness of doing something bad? So if someone drives drunk or rapes someone or says really mean things to a friend, it’s a pass because their neurotransmitters may be different? This is rhetorical: alcohol is not an excuse for doing something bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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