Should I have told other woman's husband?

[jillypolly283]

I had been together with my husband for over 15 years. We seemed very happy to me and to our friends and family. My husband would tell me I was amazing and would tell me he loved me every day. Then by chance I stumbled across a message feed he forgot to close on his laptop and my world was ripped apart. He was having a very emotional and sexual affair with a co-worker. I did not confront the other woman at the time and her husband has never been informed of what happened.

 

I dug up more messages and emails on his laptop. He and she both fantasised about leaving their marriages, travelling the world and even having a blended family with her children and our children playing together. He told her how unhappy and stuck he was in his marriage with me. She proclaimed they were soul mates and she wanted to leave her husband and travel the world. I went into severe shock, I didn't see it coming. There was no change in his behaviour. We had bought a "forever home" in the middle of his affair, we'd made plans and taken many romantic holidays and dinners. He posted loving public messages on facebook about his love for me (and yes she was one of his "friends" on facebook so saw all these posts). So I went into totally utter shock and couldn't process the double life he was living and how he was able to say he loved me with such clarity and truthfulness and yet was actively figuring out how to leave me for this other woman.

 

After I found out he temporarily moved out and ended the relationship with other woman, she immediately cut off contact with him at the time, although later began sending messages to him every now and then to let him know how she was doing, and to tell him she still thought of him, although clearly had no intention of leaving her husband or putting into action any of the promises she made to him during the affair.

 

I'm an intelligent woman, and yet, shortly after discovering his affair, I accepted his pleas for forgiveness. I couldn't adapt to the new reality I was faced with, I went into denial perhaps and inexplicably I gave the marriage another chance. At the time I spoke to friends and they all advised me to stay out of the other woman's marriage, to not inform her husband. This caused great conflict in me, I wasn't sure if my desire to tell her husband was out of spite and revenge or genuine concern for his welfare. My husband told me he had not been the first and she had several affairs over the course of her marriage. She too posted loving photos of herself with her husband on social media on a frequent basis, promoting a myth of her devotion to him as my husband did with me.

 

Now two years on from discovering their affair, I have left my husband. Whilst he pretended he still loved me, I found messages and posts on chat forums talking about how he no longer found me attractive and was stuck in the marriage and regretted not leaving me for the other woman and travelling the world. He said in the forums he would see her around in the company he worked in and still miss her. I discovered messages he'd saved screen grabs of between the two of them where she told him, she'd always love him (although they were no longer seeing each other). I confronted him and he again said he loved me and wanted to stay with me, but I was done with living this crazy life with him holding onto this unrequited love fantasy. My children are devastated as my hubsand was very good at acting the part, being an amazing father, being loving and happy in the home. So they, like me, didn't see any of this coming. We've sold the family home, moved into small apartments and have come to an agreement over the children. We are all miserable, my ex-husband included. But I have hope that eventually there will be a light at the end of this tunnel and I will see that this was the right decision for my children and me.

 

My issue is this. This woman is still out there living her life as if nothing has happened. She wrote poems, long emails and hundreds of messages to my ex-husband saying vile things about her own marriage and proclaiming undying love for him and how she didn't love her husband. But two years on, she's still in her marriage. Her friends outside of her workplace, family, none of them know. Whereas I have lost my home, my children cry themselves to sleep at night, I'm in a financial mess despite working all my life, I've lost many many friends through the process, some choosing to be on my husband's "side" and others who dropped me when I chose to go back to him.

 

There were two work colleagues of my husbands who are mutual friends with me and the woman, that also know she had an affair with him, but they also choose not to inform her husband. So its not just me, there's a group of us that know what her husband doesn't.

 

Was I right not to tell her husband? Was everyone else that found out right not to tell her husband? I try to put myself in his shoes, what if I was surrounded by people who knew my wife was unfaithful but didn't tell me? I feel two years on from the actual sexual part of their affair (i.e. she has continued to be emotionally unfaithful by sending messages to my ex-husband) its now too late to tell her husband anyway. Perhaps the moment is past.

 

I feel I need to move on from this powerful feeling that he needs to be told. It must be motivated by jealousy and revenge that she's living her life undisturbed whilst mine is destroyed. How do I snap out of this and forget the fact her husband is living a lie?

[glitterfingers]

I am so sorry for this absolutely devastating situation you have had to endure, and I admire your strength to move forward with hope for the future (I think that you are right there will be a light at the end of the tunnel). You are much better off not being emotionally and financially dependant someone who is unfaithful to you.

 

But, also...

 

 

My issue is this. This woman is still out there living her life as if nothing has happened. She wrote poems, long emails and hundreds of messages to my ex-husband saying vile things about her own marriage and proclaiming undying love for him and how she didn't love her husband. But two years on, she's still in her marriage. Her friends outside of her workplace, family, none of them know. Whereas I have lost my home, my children cry themselves to sleep at night, I'm in a financial mess despite working all my life, I've lost many many friends through the process, some choosing to be on my husband's "side" and others who dropped me when I chose to go back to him.

 

This is not a good enough reason to tell this woman's husband about her affair/s. It is not going to lessen the consequences for you or your children, nor make your life any easier whatsoever. Not one bit. If anything, it will create more problems than it solves. You are moving forward with your life and I think it would be unwise to go backwards.

 

Now, that's my opinion on what is best for you.

 

Objectively speaking, from a moral/philosophical standpoint... This is a grey area. And I don't think either answer is correct - to tell or not to tell. On the one hand, yes it would be unfair if he doesn't know for him to continue being married to a cheater. But a few points:

1) What makes you so sure that he doesn't know or suspect something? As partners of cheaters often notice changes in their spouse

2) What makes you so sure that he is innocent in this picture?

3) Whether or not he suspects something, or is blissfully unaware, would it be fair to upset their milieu for your own retribution? The way I see it, if he does suspect something, there's a reason he's not acting on it. And if he doesn't, then he may be happy..or having an affair also.

 

I am a strong believer that we reap what we sow...not to say 'karma' necessarily, but that the actions that we repeat define us as human beings, and lead us into situations that reflect our choices. Our actions always carry consequences. I find it unlikely their marriage will continue blissfully, indefinitely, in any case. And if it does, it's because they want it to. So I would not interfere.

 

But the bottom line is, since you cannot answer those "what if" questions about this woman's husband, you should choose the path which is in your best interests, not his. That is the only thing for which you have enough information to make a sound decision.

[Jibralta]

I don't think you have anything to gain by telling the other woman's husband. It may make you feel better for a little while, but you'd probably end up feeling worse over it in the long run. It's your husband who truly betrayed you. The other woman is a dog, but you'd just be opening a whole new can of worms with her. Keep things simple.

[jillypolly283]

Thank you for this reply. Many of these points I tell myself, and this is why I never confronted her or him after finding out. I felt her marriage was her responsibility. But two years on it eats away at me.

 

Apparently according to friends who know her, she is his world, he is very happy with her. However, I very much doubt that he would be accepting of statements she made such as "you are better in bed than my husband, I love you more than my husband" (things she wrote in messages to my ex). I know some people enjoy open relationships, but I very much doubt any man could live with that. The evidence shows he is oblivious to her behaviour. I met him once at my daughter's birthday party and he seemed a very upbeat and happy man.

 

I don't believe in karma I'm afraid, a lot of people said "don't tell her husband, karma will get her". I don't think that's the case. She's got away with it. And its very likely her husband will continue to live unaware for the rest of his life. I just hope our paths never cross. I'm not someone who lives easily with being dishonest and keeping secrets. I've no idea how people live with such secrecy.

[RainyCoast]

It must be motivated by jealousy and revenge that she's living her life undisturbed whilst mine is destroyed.

 

i think that because you have given in to accepting and nursing the helpless role they put you in at some point, you have made yourself miserable for two years.

 

trying to match her misery with yours by delivering justice will not have improved your life, and you will end up resenting yourself for choosing to feed the pain, and the focus on their lives, when you could've been focusing on yours. both takes effort. i understand you and i greatly sympathize, but you know you will resent yourself more for dealing with it this way for two years, than you'll resent them for "offering you a role and your lot in life" when you could've refused it and spent your energy on making yourself and your children happier.

 

i would abstain from trying to deliver "justice" to her life, having not done my own justice.

 

i know it's easier said than "felt", let alone done. take family counseling for yourself and the children to speed up the process and step out of the ungrateful role you've been offered, and took, and nursed, and elaborated to such perfection it has kept you convinced for two years you cannot be happier than what they at some past point decided you could be.

[glitterfingers]

I don't believe in karma I'm afraid, a lot of people said "don't tell her husband, karma will get her". I don't think that's the case. She's got away with it. And its very likely her husband will continue to live unaware for the rest of his life. I just hope our paths never cross. I'm not someone who lives easily with being dishonest and keeping secrets. I've no idea how people live with such secrecy.

 

You may not believe in karma, but I'll put it another way...

Hypothetically speaking, if he did go the rest of his life unaware and happily married, would he be better off than having had a separation like yours?

 

And I have been in a similar situation. I can't disclose details. But my answer is to ask whether the possible ramifications on all parties involved outweigh the advantages. How much suffering (spouses, children, relatives, coworkers and community) versus how much benefit to be gained?

 

It's not simple but I think your decision should be based on harm minimisation - and that means not martyring yourself, too.

[charity]

I wouldn't mess about here. Suppose you tell him, he leaves her and then she ends up with your ex husband who clearly still has feelings for her. Ugh Ugh that would be a gut wrencher.

[metrogirl]

You don't know that he doesn't already know. He may know and choose to stay with her for whatever reason. I think you are coming from a place of anger and resentment and I believe you really want him to suffer the way you have suffered because she isn't the one that will hurt if he leaves her. She will just get up and find another man, any man or even your ex husband.

[Betterwithout]

Truly heartbreaking to hear these stories. Damaging level of deceit. So sorry you had to go through this.

 

I want to give you a virtual pat on the back for this....

 

Now two years on from discovering their affair, I have left my husband.

 

Take some real ovaries to do this, and it will serve you well. Not for a while, but eventually you will be at peace with leaving him.

 

As for the spilling the beans on the other wife. It will NOT get you anywhere. If I can guess, this motivation is a three parts

 

-to genuinely help the other marriage know the truth

-to give you relief and solace

-give a little bit revenge on your ex

 

So don't waste your time with that emotional ordeal. Moving on really is the only thing you have left to do.

Be content that you were honest, you were faithful, and you ultimately made the best decision for your relationship with your ex.

 

At some point (2 years is relatively new still) you will have moved on (still with some hurt) but moved on in a better direction.

 

Do you write a journal? It helped me immensely to get my feelings on paper to help me process.

 

I wish you well.

[Annia]

I'm very sorry that you're going through this and I agree with the others that telling the husband won't probably be of your best interest nor the husband.

 

I can totally understand wanting to tell him, not only so that he knows what type of woman he has home but also so that she loses him (I think part of your motives is to inflict some consequences in her, since she seems to do all this consequences free and I understand that). However, this woman doesn't really seem to care.

 

Believe me, I've met people like this, low empathy deceitful people like her (and probably your ex husband) and they always bounce back. I know this is unfair but it's usually what happens. She'll either manipulate the husband into staying with her, or she'll move on to another gullible man or even your ex husband. I know this seems unfair, but maybe her "punishment" is having to live with the stress of lies and deceit. It can't be easy to lie every day and hide your wrong doings every day.

Or maybe as the others suggested the husband knows or at least suspects something.

 

Another thing that could happen if you get involved in this mess is that besides the possibility of it delaying your healing, it can bring you problems you don't need now.

 

I don't want to go into details but one of my parents cheated the other for a long time. The other knew and still chose to live the illusion. Some people choose to live like that. They're not as brave as you are. They rather live miserable but pretend they're happy in a lie they are familiar with than facing the truth and the unknown for a chance of being truly happy.

 

Also, I know that your children are suffering a lot but believe me, with time and with an amazing and brave mother like you, they'll overcome this. Your main focus now should be your children and yourself, and not what this woman is doing to her husband. Also, therapy to you and your children could help.

 

As I said, rationally I think it's not of your best interest and everyone's to tell, however I wouldn't blame you if you did because I totally understand why you want to tell him.

[DancingFool]

Telling her husband about this, you wouldn't be hurting her, you would simply destroy this man in particular. Why would you want to punish and destroy him? He hasn't done anything here. As for the woman you are lusting revenge for - she doesn't give a crap about her marriage and her husband already. Also, I can totally see this backfiring on you that her and your ex-h will get together and carry on blissfully in your face and YOU will have to live with that daily forever.

 

At any rate, this woman is nothing. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. YOUR husband decided to cheat and you've taken good steps to get rid of him. That's your revenge. Now complete it by getting up on your feet and getting to a happy place without him and rub his nose into that. Your ex had a life, a wife, a family, a lovely home - now he lives alone in a sh$tty apartment watching half his paycheck going to child support (at least I hope he is paying child support) and that is his new "dreamy" reality. So much for traveling the world fantasies.

 

If I were you, I'd seek out some new friends and social circles that will allow you to further distance yourself from your ex, from this woman so you can heal. Maybe try meetup.com to see if you can find some new interests, social groups, something you can do to take a firm step toward healing and personal happiness.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Are you completely divorced yet? Glad you moved out and left him. Your concern should be in preserving and protecting your kids lives and your emotional health. Counselling and concern for yourself and your kids dealing with all this would benefit you and a your kids much more than being spiteful toward your husbands lover. Stop trying to dress it up as an altruistic service message to her husband. Maybe he knows, who cares?

[thealchemist]

Well I totally disagree with everyone here.

 

Lex Talionis.

 

I am a bit of an aggressive person though.

 

Someone sticks their nose in my marriage then they get that in return.

 

You said that she has done this with many men. Well for the simple task to screw up her home wrecking ability I would let her husband know.

 

As long as she has this loving husband to support her habits, willingly or not, people will not suspect her for this kind of behaviour near as much as if she got caught.

 

If my wife was cheating on me I would pray that someone would inform me if they knew. But that is just my preference.

 

But I would tell him in an effort to enlighten the people around her of her nefarious activities. She essentially has a great "home base" which provides the stability for her to go and sleep with men she works with.

 

I would just want to kick that base out from under her.

 

But if she didnt want people interfering with her she shouldn't do it to others.

 

Karma doesn't exist. I just make my own.

[maynards_razorblade69]

I'm so sorry you're going through this – your strength is inspirational and your decision absolutely right to leave him. I understand also the moral quandary you're going through.

 

I was the other woman, once. I had no idea about it at the time. I worked with someone (he was on a different floor, didn't see him much around the office) and we got talking, started hanging out, took things slow, then things heated up. The office had a no-romance policy, so we kept it quiet. He didn't wear a wedding ring ... I found out he was married four months into it, but I'd already fallen in love.

 

I was angry and ended it immediately. I even left the company. It took a long time to get over. I then found out he was doing the same thing with another girl in my office, then another girl, then another girl. I felt outraged (and still do) that he could get away with this and his wife, with two small children, has no idea. I've juggled with the thought of telling her many times and always concluded that I shouldn't. Selfishly, I couldn't live with the guilt of knowing I had been the one to rip her life out from under her feet, to take a father away from those children, to break up her "happy" home. True, she probably wouldn't want to stay with him if she knew, but she's not going to hear it from me. I feel desperately sorry for her, still, but as others have said, karma has a way of getting back at you. I have to believe this ... But I wouldn't want to be the whistleblower as that would make me feel worse than walking away with "the moral high ground".

 

Selfish? Maybe. Selfless? Maybe. I don't know ... I've struggled as you're struggling too. And boy, yes, I wanted revenge, but not like that.

 

I wouldn't blame you whichever course of action you chose – I can see it from both perspectives. I only had four months; you've had years and years and have been the person cheated on, rather than with. I really don't know what I'd do if I were you. My advice would be to imagine yourself in five years' time looking back on it all and think about how you'd like to have acted, what would make you feel like the better person. The answer's not easy, because you might be the better person if you open up the eyes of her husband and stop her getting away with this; but you might also be the better person if you walk on with your head held high and focus on you.

 

Good luck, OP, really. Support here whatever you decide.

[jillypolly283]

I want to thank everyone for taking their time to write.

 

I didn't want to make my original post too long its really hard to articulate the facts and details. But I read very long emails and message feeds, and its from these messages I feel very certain that her husband is unaware.

 

But all this aside. Thank you I hear you. Nothing is to be gained, there will be no sense of justice, you are right. I have no desire to see her husband experiencing the pain I have been through. But I do battle with this nonetheless, as despite all the pain and horror, I'm glad I know. I'm glad I was able to have two STD screens so I know I've regained control of my health and future. I just hope to God that he doesn't in a few years time find out retrospectively that his wife and friends have been lying to him for years. I have found the callous behaviour of my friends in the aftermath of me finding out and the loss of those friends in some ways the most hardest mental blow.

 

I think its natural to reflect and worry perhaps you've made the wrong choices in the hurt and chaos. And I came on here to gather opinion on whether I'd made the wrong choice by not telling him.

 

I do not circulate with anyone connected with my husband's work anymore, so that tie was cut a while ago.

 

I've divorced the love of my life, the father of my children. Because I find him responsible for what happened. I blame him absolutely, have no doubt about that. So anyway thank you, its time I walk away and not look back.

[Usa1ah]

I am a firm believer in letting the other BS know. Not out of revenge but so they can make a informed decision to stay with a cheater.

[Unreasonable]

My personal creed is this: Unless I know someone quite well, personally, for a long while, and they have made some indication to me that if their spouse ever cheated, they'd want to know, then no. I would not tell them.

 

As a general rule, I do not think it is right to get into another family's business, even if somebody in the family got into yours.

 

Now, something I WOULD have done, the second I found out the first time and decided to reconcile, is get in contact with the other woman and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that if you EVER find one single, solitary piece of evidence that she ever contacted your husband again via any means, that you would not hesitate for a second to bring the whole world crashing down on her and be her worst nightmare.

[Usa1ah]

Not even if a member of that other family intruded into your own by an affair?

 

Not forcing yourself into ones business is one thing. A betrayed spouse reaching out to another betrayed spouse is all together different.

[Unreasonable]

Not even if a member of that other family intruded into your own by an affair?

 

Not forcing yourself into ones business is one thing. A betrayed spouse reaching out to another betrayed spouse is all together different.

 

They are the same thing, to me, at least. The "forcing into ones business" may have good intentions, but it definitely is forcing into one's business.

 

Like I said, I wouldn't say anything UNLESS I knew they'd want to know. Some people don't want to know. I might be able to reasonably deduce that sufficiently if I had a close, long term friendship with the husband. But the OP doesn't.

 

I know my wife has done some sketchy things in the past. I'm pretty sure it never got physical, but I don't know it. The OP doesn't know what the husband knows.

 

I have a reasonably good idea that my wife isn't doing anything now, and we are moving forward. At this point, if a stranger came to me and told me every thing my wife's ever done, in detail, I would consider it a destructive act.

 

Yes, the OW intruded into the OPs marriage. That does not necessitate intruding into hers. You certainly could rationalize doing it, and I wouldn't judge one if they decided to, but it doesn't necessitate it. It's a judgement call. Not one I'd do.