Jibralta Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 I think the best way to move on is to forgive yourself, press forth in life and love, and be careful not to repeat the same mistakes. You don't have time to ensure that other people learn their life lessons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 So I've been thinking and would like to add to this thread whilst he done all of this to me I didn't assert my boundaries as well as I would have liked maybe down to the shock factor I'm not used to so much disrespect from a grown human. Does anyone know how I can move on from these regretful feelings like was not saying enough. I feel like I mum if I have to teach grown men such basic things. Don't name call or do drugs in front of her or she walks is quite self explanatory... I'm stuck in a self blame cycle I need to get out of! You don't need to mother someone into behaving, you simply recognize that anyone who mistreats you is not relationship material, and walk away. This isn't about teaching anyone else a lesson, it's about teaching ourselves. If you're willing to stay with someone who mistreats you, you normalize that as something acceptable that just needs fixing. Forget that. Fixing other people is not your job. Raising your bar to screen out people who need fixing is your job. You won't find people who mistreat others when you stop playing in the wrong sandboxes and focus instead on a healthy lifestyle that keeps you in the company of healthy people. From there, anyone who mistreats ANYone will stand out like an anomaly, and you'll avoid them like the flu. Beating yourself up for mistakes only compounds the problem. It takes up the abusive role where the abusive guy left off. Why would you want to continue that when the goal is to build yourself UP? Head high, we all need to live and learn. It's HOW we learn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 You can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse buy being controlling and trying to fix and mommy men. Just don't go with losers.Therapy may shed some insight into your need/wish to do that. I feel like I mum if I have to teach grown men such basic things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grinch2017 Posted March 3, 2018 Author Share Posted March 3, 2018 After long reflection I keep wondering if my ex knew what he was doing or if I should have tried harder making him realise instead of walking away the first 6 weeks of trouble. I know my judgement isn't great at the moment and before those 6 weeks he was amazing. I had a panic attack the day I left him that's when I ended it and I've now got depression and anxiety 🤷🏽♀️ It's hell to put it bluntly going over our good times he even said he wouldn't have left me as if he saw nothing wrong with his behaviour ..... hufffff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 I should have tried harder making him realise instead of walking away the first 6 weeks of trouble. No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Leaving was the only ok choice. It doesn't matter whether he was "aware" of what he was doing or not. Your priority is you. You cannot put your life on hold to "teach" someone their life's lessons. It's not possible to change people, anyway. Have you ever looked into codependency? You may find it interesting that this inflated sense of responsibility for other people is actually considered a psychological disorder. I thought the book Codependent No More was a fascinating read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grinch2017 Posted March 3, 2018 Author Share Posted March 3, 2018 I will have a read, I know he is not my responsibility I just thought maybe it was a phase he was going through as he moved into a new house. However you're right I am making excuses again he is who he is! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I will have a read, I know he is not my responsibility I just thought maybe it was a phase he was going through as he moved into a new house. However you're right I am making excuses again he is who he is! You'll know you're healing when you stop your focus on him and start focusing on your own life, instead. Your interests, your goals, your strengths, your weaknesses that you want to improve, and your ideas for forming new friendships and deeper bonds with those in your life who deserve you. Healthy people don't entertain ideas about playing therapist to sick people. They can walk away from anyone who mistreats them, and without looking back. There's no real history to ruminate about, because when someone shows you that they own the capacity to mistreat you, your eyes are open and you recognize that for what it is--and it's not relationship material. Period. End of any 'story' you want to imagine about them. Head high, and push your focus FORward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grinch2017 Posted March 5, 2018 Author Share Posted March 5, 2018 Thanks Catfeeder! Your words made me feel a lot better to be honest with you it came at a good time I can't gain anything from focusing so heavily on the past. I just need to move forward as best I can and stop beating myself up about enforcing tighter boundaries because he had no concerns for the ramifications of hailing abuse at me or any of his actions for that matter. Just hope I can move on from all this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Just hope I can move on from all this. That's not something that happens TO you, it's a decision and a pursuit of healthier ways to spend your time and your focus that become more natural to you over time. Instead of ruminating about behaviors you wish you DID, do them for yourself now. Head high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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