I cant take it anymore - urgent advice needed!

[sonar40]

Thanks SweetGirl. This is my rock bottom, so i cannot and will not return to her. I know its aweful for the kids and i already see traits in them similar to her, all learned behaviour.

 

When i visit the therapist, i dont want to say anything where the therapist is obliged to contact social services on her. If that happened, my family and myself would all be targeted and tortured by her. Shes not physical abusive to them and generally isnt the worst mum in the world - Its not a great setting for them, far from it, and she has her own family that helps out so id rather not get involved in anything like that.

 

I seen my ex today at the shop and my heart raced, she waved her hand, i gave a polite nod with a fake smile and walked on. That was hard but im proving to myself that i can and will keep her out of my life. I know all this might sound bazaar to anyone who hasnt been through abuse and sometimes i do catch myself and think "what is wrong with you, you should be feeling relief, not hurt".

 

I done a few things today - cleaned the house from top to bottom, applied for a few jobs and done a bit of painting. Small for many, huge for me at this time. I shouldnt have any problem getting a job, i work in IT with 20 years experience and very well qualified so im glad thats not an additional worry.

 

its now in the evening and night time i get lonely even though im not physically alone, and the overwhelming feelings start to come. You know i never ever would have believed that leaving an abusive relationship would have this kind of impact on people - its bazaar and frightening sometimes.

 

Tomorrow is another day.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Sonar, I am so sorry for what you ate going through. I was mentally stuck in a relationship with a very sick individual who did some of the things your ex did. Honestly, if you can just break all contact with her, you will feel so much better in s few months, and the psychological power she has OTSD you will go. Xx

[sonar40]

Thanks SilverBirch. Im still in no contact and now avoid all places where i could potentially bump into her. Ive been visiting friends and at times i can have a laugh but most of the time im just sad. Despite friends being around me i still feel that lonely feeling and the knawing in my stomach. Its now the weekend and thats when its worst for me. I am trying to keep busy doing things, just totally faking it really as it doesnt matter wat i do she is always on my mind. Throughout the 4 years, she often kicked me out and it was always me that reached out to her. im such a fool for doing that as if the tables were turned i would be full of genuine apologies and fixing the problem i have.

 

I am constantly worried about my age. I keep thinking about being 42, that im now too old to find someone decent, that il never be a father and other negative thoughts. Its been 10 days since the breakup, 10 days no contact, should i even be feeling the slightest bit better cause i dont, feels like im just trying to get through each day coping rather than enjoying.

 

The physical abuse, which was the first, 10 days ago doesnt bother me as much as the emotional abuse. How can someone be so cruel even just to another human being without remorse or care. Im getting tired of just living to cope, i sure hope that in a few months time the pain will ease.

[boltnrun]

You already know she is not "decent". So going back to her would not achieve your goal of finding a decent woman.

 

As long as you keep going back you guarantee you'll never meet a nice lady.

 

Sometimes you have to fake it til you make it. So, keep spending time with family and friends. Don't dump on them; just simply say you're going through a tough time and leave it at that. They will be happy to help support you.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Sonar,

I'm in my late 50s and always shocked me that there at men interested. You are in your prime.

 

This woman doesn't deserve you and she knows it.

[sonar40]

Its been 3 weeks now since i left. Last contact was 1 week ago when i answered a private number, and it was her asking me to call up. I said NO, and that the relationship was too damaged from everything she had done to me over a long period of time - 4 years. She then started the abuse over the phone, i remained silent until she had stopped, i then said i do not deserve abuse and i hung up.

 

i wont lie, this past 3 weeks has been very difficult. im back working again and staying in contact with friends - they are all married with kids so it can be hard to get decent time with them.

 

The weekend is here and thats when i crumble most. im very depressed at the moment and have that aweful feeling of wanting to contact but il go through the pain amd i will not make contact. There hasnt been any real periods of relief or happiness since ive left and that phone call last week has certainly set me back a bit. im finding it extremely difficult to motivate myself to do anything with feelings/thoughts of a bleak future. I just cant picture that light at the end of the tunnel. I feel very lonely even when im not alone, i feel like im a nothing even though ive achieved many great things.

 

I want to be with her but without the abuse, wishing all the disgusting things she done to me never happened. i know i want her to be wat she isnt and know if i called up to her right now, id end up getting more abuse and more hurt. i guess what i want isnt real.

 

I guess im looking reassurance that il be ok, that the light at the end of the tunnel really is there, that il be happy again. Weekends are always the worst for me as thats when the abuse was more intense, where she would have her nights out while i was left at home in tears. Not once have i been out in 4 years as i was never made welcome or wanted. I now hate and dread the weekends and look forward to work on Mondays as I have no choice but focus more on work.

 

I miss being happy, i miss me.

[boltnrun]

Don't answer calls from private numbers.

 

Did you secretly suspect it was her and were you hoping she would apologize, promise to be better to you and ask for you back?

 

She and the abuse go hand in hand. If you go back you are giving her permission to abuse you again. YOU would be causing the pain, not her. I hope you can remain strong enough to stay away from her.

 

The light at the end of the tunnel IS there, but it won't be if you keep communication open with her and/or if you choose to go back for more abuse.

 

Your married friends would probably be happy for you to visit on the weekends. How about biting the bullet and suggest getting together to watch a sports event or for a barbecue? Offer to bring snacks and beverages. I think they would think it would be fun.

[sonar40]

No i didnt think it was from her. I get alot of work related calls during the day where the number is private so actually thought it was a genuine work related call.

 

Even if she did promise to stop the abuse, even if she had been to therapy and her therapist confirmed shes a changed woman - i would never believe it as her behaviour toward me over past 4 years has been extreme, dangerous and very damaging. So no, i dont want her in my life, i will never ever trust her. I want her out of my head, i want happiness for me.

 

Your comment "If you go back you are giving her permission to abuse you again. YOU would be causing the pain, not her." rings so very true. My family would rarely comment on her when helping me - they would always say what you have just said, like "Dont talk about what she has done and said, she has an illness and needs to address that herself. Everytime you go back to her, you are making that decision to return to an unhealthy environment. You are now at the stage where you know she has a severe illness that you cannot fix or change, so by you going back and enduring more abuse is now you having the problem, not her" - Straight to the point but accurate. I have shut off all possible lines of communication from 3 weeks ago, ive successfully battled my weak moments of wanting to make contact, ive changed my attitude from "trying not to contact" to "i wont ever contact" and have stuck to it.

 

Funny that just after i posted earlier on here, a friend phoned to ask me up for a meal with him and his wife. I would have went up but ive already taken diazepam to calm me down so we have arranged it for tomorrow. Doc put me on diazepam to help through moments like this.

 

I just noticed your signature "If you change nothing, nothing changes. The cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain." - so relevant in my case. Have taken note of this, thank you!

 

Im a bit sleepy on it now with the tablets. Dreading the rest of the weekend. I hated the weekends for 4 years, that feeling is still there even though ive left. I hate when work colleagues ask me if i had a good weekend and i usually say "yeah it was good, was a quiet weekend just relaxing".

 

Thanks for your continued support and reassurance.

[boltnrun]

I'm sure the dinner will be fun. I find that laughing until my stomach hurts is great for whatever ails you.

 

One word of caution, though...go very, very easy on the wine with dinner. Alcohol for some reason makes us think contacting our exes is an excellent idea. It's a horrible idea while sober and it's even worse of an idea when buzzed.

 

Have fun tomorrow at dinner!

[seizeilgiron]

I would agree with the others when they say leave. Leave. Just leave. It is so not worth it. Your poor heart is being hurt over and over and you're letting it get hurt. She may have been mistreated in her past relationships, but she needs to realize that not every man is like that. So leave.