Mikey383 Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 im now staying at my parents. told them that we broke up with a little bit of detail. ive great parents, and we get along really well. Yes i work 9 to 5, mon to fri. I have to admit that im not as productive at work as i used to be so i need to careful i dont loose this job. Ive no savings - relationship cost me a fortune but thats another story. i wish it felt like a new journey. im at work now and constant negative thoughts, cant get her out if my head! Yes... They will suck you dry for your money... I have stories of my own to tell you... Yes...Felt like a new journey to me as well... Now it's a new guy embarking on that new journey...Thank God it is no longer me... It is not her in your head... It is someone that you hoped you knew (dismissed the real her), and you miss that... And it is normal to feel this way.... Give yourself a pass... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikey383 Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 We had the storm yesterday, lots of ice everywhere now....ughhhhhhh I need summer! Lol I hope you don't get too much snow dumped on you! Drive safely :) Things are okay.....one day at a time lol. Thankful to have my health and my daughter, so all is good luv. Glad you are doing good... And yes... everyday is a better day!!!! :).... We got hit with about 4 inches yesterday..., and the temps are in single digits. Took me hours to get the kids to school as everyone was barely moving...lol... We are expecting about 6 more inches starting this afternoon... I totally agree... I wish it was summer already... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonar40 Posted February 9, 2018 Author Share Posted February 9, 2018 I had researched narcissistic abuse 2 years ago and she had all the traits. I watched hundreds of videos on youtube, read many blogs etc.. and it all made sense but i never done anything about it other than plead with her to stop the abuse. At the end of the day it doesnt really matter what mental health illness she has, as i now know there is no future in this relationship and it will only get much worse until it ends me if i keep going back to her. The more i read on narcisists now the more it annoys me, probably brcause i knew it and went through it for so long. Everything you describe is exacy the same as it happened in my situation. You would think these people had a book on "How to be a complete pyschopath" as they all follow the same pattern. I answered the phone to her today and all i got was "youve wrecked my family and my kids". I was so close to getting so annoyed and responding but instead calmly said "you will never take responsibility for your own bad behaviour. I am not in a good place right now so please dont start this nonsense." She called me a few names then hung up. I felt like pure crap and ive been painfully controlling myself not to go to her house. I then got a phone call from her daughter asking me would i lift her and bring her to her friends house as her mum was treating her like crap and making up lies that the daughter hit the mother. I told her id ring and pay for a taxi for her as i cant go back into that environment. I know i should break all ties, i know they are not my children but I do have a heart and dont like to see children going through that drama. Yeah i would like to hear from you, message me anytime, sounds like we have went through pretty much the same ordeal. its Friday 9:20pm here in Ireland. ive been lying in bed since 6pm. i just cant get motivated to do anything but i guess its better than going back there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonar40 Posted February 9, 2018 Author Share Posted February 9, 2018 Good! This a positive direction you are taking, even though it doesn't feel like it. It's hard initially to get going, but you can do it. One day at a time. Do not set yourself back now. You left, you have a place to stay, you have a job, you have support, so utilize all these great tools given you and escape it once and for all. When you do you will find life gets better. You will feel better, it's just a matter of time. Do not give up. Find that inner strength to fight. Abuse is not love. Ever. Thank you, ive printed this out so i can read it in moments of weakness. I dread this recovery, ive just so many emotions all at the same time, its overwhelming. Weekends are always the worst, i always dread weekends as thats when the abuse is at its worst and ive too much time to think. ive feelings of anger, frustration, hopelessness, sadness and feeling sorry for myself thinking "this is what i am now all for being a decent, honest and loving person". You have no idea though of how much the reassurance from all of you guys helps, the reassurance that i will be ok and life will get better. To be honest thats all im hanging onto right now. So thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonar40 Posted February 9, 2018 Author Share Posted February 9, 2018 So much for me controlling myself. I phoned her just now to be told im to blame for her life being a mess, im to blame for her badly behaved children and that she feels like taking a load of tablets while "im sitting at my nice wee mums house laughing at her with all my savings and no problems. A real man would be up here helpimg me out". i told her thats not true and thaf ive been in bed depressed. She started shouting you're a liar and other nasty made up nonsense so i just hung up. Now i feel bad even though ive done nothing wrong. i end up feeling sorry for her and put myself to the side despite the hurt. How am i ever going to get past this when i fail everytime, what on earth is wrong with me. She blames me for everything and then sometimes i think maybe shes right im not a real man as i should put our differences aside and help her but i did do all that before and now look at me. What a mess! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 Why did you think it was a good idea to call her??? At this point, since you're out, any interactions you choose to have with her are on you, not her. You can no longer blame her for abusing you when you CHOOSE to go back for more abuse. Ask yourself "Do I hate myself enough to deliberately ask her to abuse me again?" Next time you get the urge to call her, talk to someone else instead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonar40 Posted February 9, 2018 Author Share Posted February 9, 2018 Why did you think it was a good idea to call her??? At this point, since you're out, any interactions you choose to have with her are on you, not her. You can no longer blame her for abusing you when you CHOOSE to go back for more abuse. Ask yourself "Do I hate myself enough to deliberately ask her to abuse me again?" Next time you get the urge to call her, talk to someone else instead. I really dont know or understand why i get these overwhelming urges to call her. part of me hopes she will admit how wrong she was and at least acknowledge the reality. And ur right, it wasnt a good idea, im choosing to set myself up for more hurt. i dont hate myself but il be honest i have no self esteem nor confidence left. I know its irrational for me to call her but i still end up doing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 You have to get the willpower to not ever contact her again. If you return to this, you can't break the cycle. Her problems are hers, not yours. You're not married, no children together, so walk away, and never look back. I know it's easier said than done but it's what you must do. You had a life before her, you'll have one without her too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonar40 Posted February 9, 2018 Author Share Posted February 9, 2018 You have to get the willpower to not ever contact her again. If you return to this, you can't break the cycle. Her problems are hers, not yours. You're not married, no children together, so walk away, and never look back. I know it's easier said than done but it's what you must do. You had a life before her, you'll have one without her too. Is the way im behaving now normal after an abusive relationship. im beginning to question my own sanity as im starting to worry that i may never break this vicious cycle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 Is the way im behaving now normal after an abusive relationship. im beginning to question my own sanity as im starting to worry that i may never break this vicious cycle. Yes it's normal. You are emotionally beaten down to the point you don't see your own self worth. You can survive this. I know, because I'm a survivor myself. Get and stay far far away from her, forever. Trust me on this. The cycle does break, you have to start the wheel spinning, which you have already done. Rely on your family and friends, here for support, get antidepressants if needed, find a support group, some are even free , and keep pushing forward. There is no saving a toxic relationship. It never gets better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonar40 Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 Yes it's normal. You are emotionally beaten down to the point you don't see your own self worth. You can survive this. I know, because I'm a survivor myself. Get and stay far far away from her, forever. Trust me on this. The cycle does break, you have to start the wheel spinning, which you have already done. Rely on your family and friends, here for support, get antidepressants if needed, find a support group, some are even free , and keep pushing forward. There is no saving a toxic relationship. It never gets better. Thanks again for the reassurance and advice. Im just awake (12 Midday) and first thing the thoughts just start flowing. im going to follow ur advice and trust you 100% - day 1 here goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Thanks again for the reassurance and advice. Im just awake (12 Midday) and first thing the thoughts just start flowing. im going to follow ur advice and trust you 100% - day 1 here goes. Good for you! Be strong. Count the days. Soon enough, you'll lose track of how many it's actually been. Keep this thread, or start a journal here in a new post to put all your feelings into writing. It truly helps to get the emotions to the surface. Not talking and trying to deal with struggles alone can be harmful to moving forward. If you feel weak, reach out to someone , instead of her. You can do this. Mind of matter. Let your mind give you the strength your heart can't right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 This woman is a total but job. You need to go home to your family and stay away from her. NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER. I couldn't bring myself to read all the posts because it was sickening to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Sorry if this is too blunt - you are calling her and you are taking her calls because you have gone a bits nuts yourself from being around her. Understand that it is not sane behaviour to be contacting someone and accepting their contact after having done the things she has decided done. You need to disconnect from her - she can be crazy, but that is no longer your child ncern. Your concern and responsibility is to yourself and to pull yourself together. Everything you have contact with her, you are feeding that craziness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonar40 Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 Sorry if this is too blunt - you are calling her and you are taking her calls because you have gone a bits nuts yourself from being around her. Understand that it is not sane behaviour to be contacting someone and accepting their contact after having done the things she has decided done. You need to disconnect from her - she can be crazy, but that is no longer your child ncern. Your concern and responsibility is to yourself and to pull yourself together. Everything you have contact with her, you are feeding that craziness. No need to apologise for being blunt as you are being honest and everything you say is 100% correct. Me contacting her and me takimg her calls is irratiomal and insane, i can see that and i honestly dont fully understand why i do. im actually a very rational thinking person in general but when it comes to this, irractional actions ignore the rational thought. Whether this is the effects of lomg term abise or not i domt know and i guess at this stage its irrelevant as i just have to ignore everything my heart and head says and trust that i have to stay away and maintain no contact for good. Maybe when the cloud haa eased and my life gets better i can look back, reflect and learn from where i made things worse for myself as I too have choices and i understand that my bad choices are also responsible for the pain im suffering now. Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate criticism as well as advice as they both can be used to better my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonar40 Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 Good for you! Be strong. Count the days. Soon enough, you'll lose track of how many it's actually been. Keep this thread, or start a journal here in a new post to put all your feelings into writing. It truly helps to get the emotions to the surface. Not talking and trying to deal with struggles alone can be harmful to moving forward. If you feel weak, reach out to someone , instead of her. You can do this. Mind of matter. Let your mind give you the strength your heart can't right now. I will do and thank you for takimg so much of your time to help me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 It's because you're smack dead in the center of the abuse, and it's hard to get away from when your self esteem is reduced to bits. It's mind over matter at this point. Empower yourself. Put a sticky note on your mirror, in your car, your fridge, that says "I deserve more. I'm better than this. It will not consume me." I hope you deleted her from your phone so you can't reach out easily. As a survivor, I assure you being strong and finding thst power within will pull you through. Get therapy too so you can avoid this in the future. I run from the first red flags I see from my experiences. Slightest sign of arrogance, rudeness, disrespect, a fierce temper.......I'm out. You will be too when you overcome this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 No need to apologise for being blunt as you are being honest and everything you say is 100% correct. Me contacting her and me takimg her calls is irratiomal and insane, i can see that and i honestly dont fully understand why i do. im actually a very rational thinking person in general but when it comes to this, irractional actions ignore the rational thought. Whether this is the effects of lomg term abise or not i domt know and i guess at this stage its irrelevant as i just have to ignore everything my heart and head says and trust that i have to stay away and maintain no contact for good. Maybe when the cloud haa eased and my life gets better i can look back, reflect and learn from where i made things worse for myself as I too have choices and i understand that my bad choices are also responsible for the pain im suffering now. Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate criticism as well as advice as they both can be used to better my life. Hugs Sonar, I have been in a similar relationship years ago. Once I finally broke the contact, the attachment broke. Then after that happened, I was like "What the hell was AI thinking". Bayou know it wouldn't hurt to block her number. I remember when he would call and AI wouldn't answer, but I would hear his messages where he would say whatever he thought it would take to worm his way back into my life. You know it really didn't help to listen to that. Just need to make a full clean break. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 I am sure you will find that the big issue for you right now is "to break the attachment" and you can only do that through no contact (and some other strategies). Vet rust me, when the attachment is broken, you will feel like a different person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonar40 Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 It's because you're smack dead in the center of the abuse, and it's hard to get away from when your self esteem is reduced to bits. It's mind over matter at this point. Empower yourself. Put a sticky note on your mirror, in your car, your fridge, that says "I deserve more. I'm better than this. It will not consume me." I hope you deleted her from your phone so you can't reach out easily. As a survivor, I assure you being strong and finding thst power within will pull you through. Get therapy too so you can avoid this in the future. I run from the first red flags I see from my experiences. Slightest sign of arrogance, rudeness, disrespect, a fierce temper.......I'm out. You will be too when you overcome this. Before i met her i was confident, loved life and never ever would have believed anyone that such a person like this could exist. I was lucky to have such a great upbringing and i always chose my friends carefully. I never hung about with bad people so this was completely new to me. All my entire family circle are happily married as are alk my friends - all good decent loving people. Problem was that i was in love with her before i realised who and what she was. I was about to go into more detail about her but im stopping - advice given my brother "Stop talking about her. We all know what she is and u are making urself worse even mentioning her name. None of this is about her anymore, only about you. Shes a psychpath end of story, the details are now irrelevant. Only thing relevant now is u getting urself back and being the best possible version of yourself that you can be. I will help you in every way i can but i dont want to hear anymore detail about her. it makes me sick." yes i deleted her from my phone, blocked her, deleted all photos and binnned any reminders of her. I do know her number in my head, wish i could delete that too as im my own worst enemy right now. I need to get back to therapy but its difficult here with so little services available and not able to get out of work. First things first is maintaining no contact and sticking to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonar40 Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 Hugs Sonar, I have been in a similar relationship years ago. Once I finally broke the contact, the attachment broke. Then after that happened, I was like "What the hell was AI thinking". Bayou know it wouldn't hurt to block her number. I remember when he would call and AI wouldn't answer, but I would hear his messages where he would say whatever he thought it would take to worm his way back into my life. You know it really didn't help to listen to that. Just need to make a full clean break. I genuinely am sorry that you had to endure the same turmoil in your life, i really am. Sometimes i do feel better that im not alone as you all have went through the same and came out the other end. But then it actually makes me feel annoyed and sad as i hate the thought of any other person being treated so badly and how it impacts the rest of their lives, its so unfair. There hasnt been 1 time when ive talked to her either on phone or in person where it hasnt ended in her hurting me more. It felt like i was talking to a spoilt child - extremely immature and nonsensical. I guess irrational people just cannot be rationalised with, so me talking to her at all is therefore irrational itself when i know what the outcome will be. Has youre ordeal affected ur relationships post the abusive one? I can imagine its damaged ur trust in men. Hopefully not though as the majority of men are good decent people. Not that you need a man or relationship to be happy of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonar40 Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 One of her daughters phoned (11 year old) asking me to take her to the shop as her mums car is broken down which i know to be true. I tried to say no but how on earth do u explain the circumstances to an 11 yeat old child? I heard her mum in the background shouting at her "What are doimg ringing that c**t for, hang up on that evil wee b**tard". The daughter started crying shouting back at her "Would you stop being so hateful and treating people like s**t". I told the daughter to hang up and i will bring her to the shop. So i did and tried my best to explain to her that its better she doesnt get angry with her mum or blame her as she doesnt be well sometimes but instead try and support her when you can and if you feel sad at any point then talk to your older sisters or your grandmother. I told her i love her very much but that i will be very busy now helping my mum get better. She gave me a hug and went back into her house. Its just not right on so many levels. A clean break is easier said than done, how do you ignore an 11 year child that loves u and vice versa. i know im not her father, but i do have a heart and hate to see anyone suffer especially a child. I didnt mention that my partner, or i mean ex partner, has 8 children to 2 different fathers. Both of those relationships were very abusive too. She told me many stories of how bad she was treated and cheated on but I know for a fact that alot of those stories were not true and she herself behaved behaved badly too. I didnt know any of this until well into the relationship. Perhaps i should change my phone number? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Sonar the main effect was that I regret wasting too much of my life with him. Yes, I think changing your oh one number is a good idea. When my lease came up, I also moved and obviously didn't let him know where Zi moved to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Yes, change your number. The kids know what their mother is and won't blame you one bit for leaving and staying away. Trust me, they understand. I think the sticky notes idea is a good one...remind yourself why you want to only keep positives in your life. And to be kind to yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikey383 Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 So much for me controlling myself. I phoned her just now to be told im to blame for her life being a mess, im to blame for her badly behaved children and that she feels like taking a load of tablets while "im sitting at my nice wee mums house laughing at her with all my savings and no problems. A real man would be up here helpimg me out". i told her thats not true and thaf ive been in bed depressed. She started shouting you're a liar and other nasty made up nonsense so i just hung up. Now i feel bad even though ive done nothing wrong. i end up feeling sorry for her and put myself to the side despite the hurt. How am i ever going to get past this when i fail everytime, what on earth is wrong with me. She blames me for everything and then sometimes i think maybe shes right im not a real man as i should put our differences aside and help her but i did do all that before and now look at me. What a mess! Guilt tripping is another routine.... My did that to me also... A week after I had her move out of my place (She moved out the day after x-mass...) on NY-eve... I went to a friends to spend NY-eve with him...I needed to breathe... She bombarded me with text messages on NY-eve... Same scenario...: "There you are, having fun with people on NY-eve and I am alone at my parents with my kids etc, and it is all your fault"... That's what they do... Make you feel the guilt for their issues, their incapability to fix their own issues... It is called projecting and sucking more of your supply... It does not matter if it is positive or negative supply... It is supply... And you are their supply... Get out of this mess NOW!!!!! Or it will follow you for months until you finally break free for good, but by then you will be half the human you are now and exhausted... Remember this: In the eyes of a Narc, you are always to blame.... No matter who is at fault or no matter what other forces had a play in it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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