Please help me. I'm desperate

[Matbon]

How long ago did she She stopped flirting with him end of may and started dating me in June. She spoke to him after may about training only.

 

She stopped flirting with him end of may, but continued to talk to him about training. We started dating in June. I found out end of October about the flirtinf and she hasn't spoken to him since.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you are trying to manipulate her with guilt over something she shouldn't even feel guilty about to assuage your jealousy/insecurity. This all happened before you met. Now your gyrations to pressure her to stop talking to him altogether.

 

Ultimately she will get sick of your possessive controlling nature and you'll lose her anyway. That's the irony of jealousy/possessiveness...it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

She stopped flirting with him end of may, but continued to talk to him about training. We started dating in June. I found out end of October about the flirtinf and she hasn't spoken to him since.

[boltnrun]

So she hasn't spoken to him since October?

 

Do you think this is a character flaw in her that you can't forgive? Because if that's how you feel please break up with her and let her find someone who won't hold her past poor choices against her forever.

[Matbon]

Unfortunately it sounds like you are trying to manipulate her with guilt over something she shouldn't even feel guilty about to assuage your jealousy/insecurity. This all happened before you met. Now your gyrations to pressure her to stop talking to him altogether.

 

Ultimately she will get sick of your possessive controlling nature and you'll lose her anyway. That's the irony of jealousy/possessiveness...it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

You don't think she should feel guilty about flirting with a taken guy and possibly breaking up in a relationship? Or that she should but it shouldn't impact the way I feel about her?

[Matbon]

So she hasn't spoken to him since October?

 

Do you think this is a character flaw in her that you can't forgive? Because if that's how you feel please break up with her and let her find someone who won't hold her past poor choices against her forever.

 

Correct. I'm very high strung and judgemental I guess. Would you have an issue if you found out your partner was in a situation like mine where she could of broken up another relationship? I just find it selfish. I do believe I can forgive her for ultimately. I guess people make selfish mistakes in relationships.

[Wiseman2]

Instead, you should look into your own jealousy, insecurity and judgmental attitude. Why pick her apart for a minor faux pas before you were dating. The guilt and shame you are trying to inflict on her are classic jealous possessive abusive tactics. That's far more reprehensible than anything she did. Take a long hard look in the mirror and stop beating her up and start getting a grip on your controlling nature. You have a lot of growing up to do if you think people never flirt here and there.

You don't think she should feel guilty about flirting with a taken guy

[Matbon]

Instead, you should look into your own jealousy, insecurity and judgmental attitude. Why pick her apart for a minor faux pas before you were dating. The guilt and shame you are trying to inflict on her are classic jealous possessive abusive tactics. That's far more reprehensible than anything she did. Take a long hard look in the mirror and stop beating her up and start getting a grip on your controlling nature. You have a lot of growing up to do if you think people never flirt here and there.

 

Thank you. I'll take your advice.

[Matbon]

Instead, you should look into your own jealousy, insecurity and judgmental attitude. Why pick her apart for a minor faux pas before you were dating. The guilt and shame you are trying to inflict on her are classic jealous possessive abusive tactics. That's far more reprehensible than anything she did. Take a long hard look in the mirror and stop beating her up and start getting a grip on your controlling nature. You have a lot of growing up to do if you think people never flirt here and there.

 

How do you feel about flirting when your In a relationship then? Is this acceptable because she was single? Would be dump able if she was committed?

[boltnrun]

How do you feel about flirting when your In a relationship then? Is this acceptable because she was single? Would be dump able if she was committed?

 

She was not in a relationship.

 

You're doing what my mother called borrowing trouble..."well, what if THIS was the situation?" But it wasn't. So now you want to punish her for something that MIGHT have happened?

 

Please, if you're going to do this just break up with her already. I can't even imagine what you're putting her through right now because of something she stopped doing months ago.

[Matbon]

Instead, you should look into your own jealousy, insecurity and judgmental attitude. Why pick her apart for a minor faux pas before you were dating. The guilt and shame you are trying to inflict on her are classic jealous possessive abusive tactics. That's far more reprehensible than anything she did. Take a long hard look in the mirror and stop beating her up and start getting a grip on your controlling nature. You have a lot of growing up to do if you think people never flirt here and there.

 

Is potentially ruining a relationship over the course of 5 months really a minor faux pas though? I love her. I just don't want to be let down and hurt. Is the situation I'm in common and does it seem ridiculous for me too be so hurt? It's the fact that she continued to speak to this guy as a coach/friend that bothers me. I can deal with the fact that she flirted with him, but to do it for such a span of time and then carry on talking to him like nothing happened between the two of them just doesn't sit right with me.

[Wiseman2]

Sadly your unhealthy obsession with this will destroy any relationship you attempt to have. She never hurt you, you are hurting yourself with your jealousy, insecurity and anxiety. Perhaps it's immaturity perhaps you think she's out of your league, who knows? She did a lot less wrong than you are doing holding some flirting she did before you met her over her head. Why not step out of this relationship and into therapy to examine this obsession?

I just don't want to be let down and hurt. It's the fact that she continued to speak to this guy as a coach/friend that bothers me.

[Matbon]

Sadly your unhealthy obsession with this will destroy any relationship you attempt to have. She never hurt you, you are hurting yourself with your jealousy, insecurity and anxiety. Perhaps it's immaturity perhaps you think she's out of your league, who knows? She did a lot less wrong than you are doing holding some flirting she did before you met her over her head. Why not step out of this relationship and into therapy to examine this obsession?

 

Whatever you think your advice has helped and has made me see it clearer. You have to understand that she set bounderies. She didn't want me in contact with anyone I'd flirted with. She didn't even want me to have fitness models on my social media, while all along she was speaking to this guy as a coach and friend.

[MissCanuck]

Whatever you think your advice has helped and has made me see it clearer. You have to understand that she set bounderies. She didn't want me in contact with anyone I'd flirted with. She didn't even want me to have fitness models on my social media, while all along she was speaking to this guy as a coach and friend.

 

And how did she respond when you pointed this out?

[Everlong13]

I have to agree with the others. She was single and flirted a bit with someone, So what?

It doesn't sound like you do trust her.

And when you say she flirted, how far did it go? Some cheeky comments to a guy?

[Matbon]

And how did she respond when you pointed this out?

 

She acknowledged it was a double standard and apologised.

[Matbon]

I have to agree with the others. She was single and flirted a bit with someone, So what?

It doesn't sound like you do trust her.

And when you say she flirted, how far did it go? Some cheeky comments to a guy?

 

They sexted/sent pics and he touched her while they were training together.

[MissCanuck]

She acknowledged it was a double standard and apologised.

 

And what would you ideally like to see happen now?

 

If he's her coach, she won't be able to stop all communication with him. She can't change the past. So what concrete steps do you feel would need to be taken here?

[Matbon]

And what would you ideally like to see happen now?

 

If he's her coach, she won't be able to stop all communication with him. She can't change the past. So what concrete steps do you feel would need to be taken here?

 

She can and has stopped talking to him of her own will. When I found out she stopped all communication. I wanted her to keep going because I didn't want her to feel like I was controlling her. She moved to my gym and has thrived. She's took all steps she could have. I juse wanted her to have taken them before I found out and live by the boundaries she imposed on me. I'm no angel. I have let her down as well. I just struggle to see how you can flirt with someone for 5 months then suddenly go back to a professional relationship overnight. I guess it's about me changing my way of thinking and being able to overlook mistakes. I do and always will feel that she took the wrong step in flirting and continuing to talk to this guy. But I guess if I want this relationship to work I'll have to be more flexible of past mistakes.

[Everlong13]

They sexted/sent pics and he touched her while they were training together.

 

Yeah... I wouldn't call that flirting. That's much more than just flirting. I personally wouldn't know if I could trust someone who did that with a married person, hence my comment about trusting her or ending it. If you're sure that's in the past and trust her then you need to let it go.

[Matbon]

Yeah... I wouldn't call that flirting. That's much more than just flirting. I personally wouldn't know if I could trust someone who did that with a married person, hence my comment about trusting her or ending it. If you're sure that's in the past and trust her then you need to let it go.

 

He wasn't married but in a relationship. Would that make a difference to you? I don't understand how this topic can be so clear cut to others (it's the past etc) and then others can say they couldn't cope with it (trust issues etc). She's is adamant she has never done anything whilst being in a relationship and I believe her for the most part.

[MissCanuck]

Yeah... I wouldn't call that flirting. That's much more than just flirting. I personally wouldn't know if I could trust someone who did that with a married person, hence my comment about trusting her or ending it. If you're sure that's in the past and trust her then you need to let it go.

 

That would be a concern for me, too. Married or otherwise, he was not single, she knew it, and she willingly went along with it. In my mind, that says a lot about her moral compass and it's not great. The question is, has she learned from it? She might have. Does she see the significantly bad judgment she employed there, OP?

 

I don't think you can punish her for flirting with someone months ago in and of itself though, OP. This is an issue that I don't feel is fair to hold over her head. She has done what she can do to rectify things with you, so if you decide to stay, you need to let it go and trust that she's learned from this experience and will maintain appropriate boundaries with this guy.

[Matbon]

That would be a concern for me, too. Married or otherwise, he was not single, she knew it, and she willingly went along with it. In my mind, that says a lot about her moral compass and it's not great. The question is, has she learned from it? She might have. Does she see the significantly bad judgment she employed there, OP?

 

I don't think you can punish her for flirting with someone months ago in and of itself though, OP. This is an issue that I don't feel is fair to hold over her head. She has done what she can do to rectify things with you, so if you decide to stay, you need to let it go and trust that she's learned from this experience and will maintain appropriate boundaries with this guy.

 

This is what annoys me. Everyone has a go at me and says I'm unreasonable then they do a 180? It leaves me not knowing what you do.

[boltnrun]

You can punish her forever for something she stopped doing October last year. You can leave her and let her find someone who accepts her for who she is and realizes she had bad judgment in the past but has rectified that.

 

OR...you can let it go and enjoy the relationship you have.

 

Which choice do you prefer?

[Pleasedonot5]

This is what annoys me. Everyone has a go at me and says I'm unreasonable then they do a 180? It leaves me not knowing what you do.

Is it possible you left out crucial information in your original post, that if included, would have altered posters' opinions?

[JaggerJim]

Sounds like you want to control her morals and how she behaves. You can't control another person. She isn't going to act or think the same way you do, so I wouldn't expect her too.