Male/Female Platonic Friendships

[thealchemist]

I even wrote "with how you described it" as a point to disclose the obviously limited view I was given.

 

I am simply stating that in my life experiences there is a very slim chance that he wasn't interested romantically.

 

Honestly, you could just text him and ask...

 

I am a bit forward of a person though so I wouldn't think twice to.

[Batya33]

Yeah this happened again last night. Let me know what you think.

 

I was waiting for elevator in my apt building last night which seemed like forever.

 

A guy (I'd say around 35 or so) carrying bags walked over and started waiting too.

 

I'd never seen him before so after we exchanged mutual "heys" I asked him if he was just moving in.

 

He said yeah and asked me how long I'd been living there. I responded back and from there we started engaging in convo about downtown (which is where we live) and other things.

 

It was a relatively long convo because turned out the elevator was broken so we had to walk to another and wait for that one.

 

He told me he had lived in several places downtown before moving to this one and being my usual self I was very engaging asking him "oh where?" bla bla, we continued chatting, it was actually quite an enjoyable convo!

 

No personal questions at all. Turns out we live on the same floor.

 

When we got off the elevator, he looked straight at me and said, "good night, it was very nice meeting you!"

 

I replied it was nice meeting him too and asked him his name. He told me, I told him mine, then before he walked off (in other direction) he said very casually "hey Kxxxx, if you're free Friday night, I'd like to buy you a drink." We both work "9:00-5:00ish jobs).

 

I'm busy Friday night (with boyfriend although I didn't tell him that it seemed contrived since he didn't ask me if I have a BF) but we exchanged numbers.

 

Honestly, it was such a "friendly" exchange, it didn't seem like he was "hitting" on me at all, more like maybe we could be "friends"? Since we both live in same building and all?

 

When I got home I told my gf what happened and she said "don't be silly he liked you and wants to take you out, like on a date!"

 

But this is the kind of thing that happens quite a bit when I am out and about.

 

I'm not flirting, just talking, being friendly!

 

What do you think? From what I shared about exchange, does it appear like he wants a new friend or to take me out on date?

 

I'm still not really sure.

 

What I think in that situation is that within the 10 minutes you work in something about a boyfriend - it's easy the vast majority of the time. Or drop the "we" thing, etc. I don't think you did a darn thing wrong -you're fine - and I don't blame him for asking you out for a drink - he thought you were single, you don't have an engagement or wedding ring, and he thought you were cute. Good for him. No worries at all that you didn't bring it up but my point is that if you want to be totally clear, bring it up with a new person.

 

I should add that when I was 8 months pregnant -quite large ! -and wearing an engagement ring I got hit on by the guy waiting in line ahead of me to buy popcorn at a movie theater. I flashed my ring, stood in profile to show the belly - maybe that was more of a turn on lol. And similarly, same situation - I chatted with a single guy at a party for a long time, pregnant with engagement ring. My fiancee was out of town. No flirting at all. The next day he added me on Facebook - I don't remember if I accepted but found it odd that he apparently went to a lot of trouble to find me there because I never gave him my last name. So if you're single again, dress like a pregnant woman and don a cubic zircona ring on your engagement hand and wahh lahh - man magnet. LOL.

[boltnrun]

Katrina, I remember the situation when you got upset because the gentleman you're dating had a woman in his apartment. If I recall correctly, you left rather abruptly and only barely avoided an argument.

 

Now, think about how you'd react if the gentleman you're dating told you "I ran into a new neighbor waiting for the elevator. She took my number, I took hers and she asked if she could take me out for a drink Friday night. I didn't mention I'm in a relationship with you because I don't think she was asking me out on a 'date'."

 

Would you honestly be completely, 100% fine with that scenario? Would you think that neighbor woman was interested in the gentleman you're dating?

 

Now, my "guy friends" often suggest getting together somewhere for drinks and whatnot. Difference is, we've known each other and been friends for years, we meet up at the place we decide on (they don't pick me up), and often it's a group outing with other friends meeting up there as well. And I buy my own drinks.

[Batya33]

Katrina, I remember the situation when you got upset because the gentleman you're dating had a woman in his apartment. If I recall correctly, you left rather abruptly and only barely avoided an argument.

 

Now, think about how you'd react if the gentleman you're dating told you "I ran into a new neighbor waiting for the elevator. She took my number, I took hers and she asked if she could take me out for a drink Friday night. I didn't mention I'm in a relationship with you because I don't think she was asking me out on a 'date'."

 

Would you honestly be completely, 100% fine with that scenario? Would you think that neighbor woman was interested in the gentleman you're dating?

 

Now, my "guy friends" often suggest getting together somewhere for drinks and whatnot. Difference is, we've known each other and been friends for years, we meet up at the place we decide on (they don't pick me up), and often it's a group outing with other friends meeting up there as well. And I buy my own drinks.

 

I agree. I actually would have no issue with a guy friend buying me dinner -I buy my female friends dinner -if we're good friends they know the deal. My male friend bought lunch for me and my son the last time we saw him and I think another male friend treated me for lunch twice when he was in town because I traveled to see him.

 

I will add - my boyfriend and I once went to a wedding that involved a lot of swing dancing -and often married people dance with other women/men. I went to the ladies room and to continue the theme I was pregnant and also taking longer in the bathroom because of it. When I got back he was dancing with a random woman. I was not happy. He told me that he told her off the bat that he had a girlfriend and that I was in the ladies room and he didn't want to dance because I might be upset not to find him when I returned. She was pushy and he said she dragged him onto the dance floor. I wasn't mad but only because he told her about me and tried his best. If he hadn't I would've been annoyed with him. That's the difference. And yes I gave her the eye a number of times during the rest of the party.

[katrina1980]

If you want us to drop it, fine. But I propose a thought experiment:

 

One day your boyfriend comes home and says "Hey, the new girl in apartment 3A wants to go out for drinks with me on Friday night. What do you think about that?"

 

What's your response? Be honest with yourself here.

 

I wouldn't like it. But not sure why you're even proposing this question since I already said I wasn't going. I had no intention of going. And I'm not going to mention to it to boyfriend either. There is no reason to.

 

I told him I was busy (which I am) but even if I weren't busy, I STILL would not have accepted the invite as I have a boyfriend.

 

I only posed my little story about last night to find out what y'all thought his intention was given all the many responses on this thread (from both women and men) about their having opposite gender friendships. And honestly it really did not seem like he was hitting on me, but agree now that yeah he probably was.

 

I don't think I did anything "wrong" per se in talking to him. I also think my response was fine too. "Thank you but I'm busy Friday night."

 

I offered no alternative date. If I were interested in going, I would have said "shoot I'm busy Friday night but some other time for sure!" Or something like that.

 

But very much appreciate your perspective, and thank you alchemist, bolt and Batya, and everyone else who responded!!

[Unreasonable]

I wouldn't like it. But not sure why you're even proposing this question since I already said I wasn't going.

Because I think sometimes flipping the script can help you answer your own question. If you wouldn't like it, there's a reason for that.

 

Nobody did anything wrong here, but I do think some good advice was given that might be useful in the future.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, there's definitely a difference between building a friendship with someone you've known in some capacity (work, family,etc.) and a man you met 20 minutes earlier who asked you out for drinks. I don't make insta-friends with women either. Usually I meet them in either a group setting or we meet because someone introduced us. One of my closest friends was introduced to me by her husband because I was looking for a place to live and she is a real estate agent. And one of my very good "guy friends" is someone I used to work with.

 

Of course I would presume that a man I just met who asked to take me out for drinks was asking for a date! If it was something else, like "hey, my roommates and I are meeting for drinks on Friday night, want to meet us there?", that would be a completely different story imo.

[katrina1980]

Because I think sometimes flipping the script can help you answer your own question. If you wouldn't like it, there's a reason for that.

 

Nobody did anything wrong here, but I do think some good advice was given that might be useful in the future.

 

Not to sound adversarial, but like what? That I shouldn't have conversations with men when I have a boyfriend?

 

Or that when I start chatting with a guy, I should somehow work into the convo that I have a boyfriend? When he hasn't even asked? Lest he assume I'm interested in dating him?

 

To me that just seems really presumptuous. I don't mention it when I meet new women, why should I when I meet new men?

 

Because he's a man and I'm a woman? What about what folks have been saying about men and women being "just friends"?

 

See where I'm going here?

 

I recall last year I was a party and started chatting with this guy. Just very friendly no flirting or anything really. As I said, I enjoy meeting and talking to different people, men and women.

 

Suddenly he announces he has a girlfriend. I was seriously wondering why he mentioned it, I didn't care, I wasn't talking to him because I wanted to date him, we were at a party, everyone was chatting, mingling, that's what you do.

 

Anyway, I really thought him mentioning it was presumptuous - that he presumed because I was talking to him, having a nice pleasant convo, I was "hitting" on him or something, so he mentioned it. It really turned me off to the whole convo after that.

 

Anyway, I think it's sad, because tbh it would have been nice if my neighbor and I could be just friends, it was fun chatting with him and he lives right down the hall.

 

You know like "Will and Grace" or something! lol

[katrina1980]

Yeah, there's definitely a difference between building a friendship with someone you've known in some capacity (work, family,etc.) and a man you met 20 minutes earlier who asked you out for drinks. I don't make insta-friends with women either. Usually I meet them in either a group setting or we meet because someone introduced us. One of my closest friends was introduced to me by her husband because I was looking for a place to live and she is a real estate agent. And one of my very good "guy friends" is someone I used to work with.

 

Of course I would presume that a man I just met who asked to take me out for drinks was asking for a date! If it was something else, like "hey, my roommates and I are meeting for drinks on Friday night, want to meet us there?", that would be a completely different story imo.

 

Okay I guess I'm just dumb then, can't read signs correctly.

 

I have had new women I meet ask me if I want to meet for a drink on a Friday night.

 

And since I was just being "friendly" I presumed he was just being friendly too.

 

My bad, I know better for next time, thanks!

[Unreasonable]

Not to sound adversarial, but like what? That I shouldn't have conversations with men when I have a boyfriend?

 

No. I'd have to check, but, I don't think a single person here has said that. That's ridiculous and impractical, and a total non sequitur.

 

Or that when I start chatting with a guy, I should somehow work into the convo that I have a boyfriend? When he hasn't even asked?

 

Yeah, that was a good one.

 

To me that just seems really presumptuous.

 

I recall last year I was a party and started chatting with this guy. Just very friendly no flirting or anything really. As I said, I enjoy meeting and talking to different people, men and women.

 

Suddenly he announces he has a girlfriend. I was seriously wondering why he mentioned it, I didn't care, I wasn't talking to him because I wanted to date him, we were at a party, everyone was chatting, mingling, that's what you do.

 

Anyway, I really thought him mentioning it was presumptuous - that he presumed I was "hitting" on him or something, so he mentioned it. It really turned me off to the whole convo after that.

 

I'm going to presume that you have at least some grasp of subtlety. Obviously this guy didn't. After a little while, it should not be terribly difficult to weave in a "Oh yeah! My boyfriend and I were JUST talking about that yesterday!", or something in that vein. That's a good starter anyway, as was said, some guys press on even if you you're 8 months pregnant with a wedding ring, but you don't need to open with "Hey bub! I have a boyfriend! Don't even think about it!" I can't read the guys mind, and wasn't there, but my guess is if he joined in right now, odds are high he'd say he thought you were single and never would have gone there otherwise.

 

 

Anyway, I think it's sad, because tbh it would have been nice if my neighbor and I could be just friends.

 

You know like "Will and Grace" or something! lol

 

Well, remember, Will's gay. :) I know it'd be really handy if this guy was too, but chances are at least 95% he isn't.

 

I see no reason why this is unsalvageable, but before it got very far, I would get your boyfriend involved in this so it's more of a mutual friendship.

[katrina1980]

 

No. I'd have to check, but, I don't think a single person here has said that. That's ridiculous and impractical, and a total non sequitur.

 

 

Well you did sort of imply it in one of your earlier posts.

 

 

In my opinion, your response SHOULD have been "Thanks, but I have a boyfriend." At which point, the guy would probably be a little embarrassed, and wonder why you just spent 10 minutes talking to him. But hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

But to your other points, well taken, thanks much.

[Unreasonable]

Well you did sort of imply it in one of your earlier posts.

 

I think most men are used to slower burns when interacting with women that are just being friendly. I honestly can't tell you the last time I had a prolonged conversation with a woman the first time I ran into them. That didn't even happen with my wife. Then again, I don't really give off a vibe that would welcome that. Even when I get my hair cut I often think to myself, "will you just shut up and cut my damn hair?"

[katrina1980]

After thinking this through a bit more, you know what guys? You're right!

 

bolt, you mentioned what my bf and I experienced last month when I arrived at his place and his neighbor (female) was there.

 

Yeah my reaction was not pretty at all (see my thread if anyone is interested).

 

We worked it out and when all was said and done, he had told me that she KNEW he had a girlfriend because whenever they ran into each other and chatted, he would mention it!

 

So perhaps I should learn a lesson from him, and what some of you have been saying too.

 

I suppose I’m just really naïve about certain things; I presume since it’s just innocent chat for me, it is for them too.

 

This may be what gets me into “trouble” sometimes and why men often say I send mixed signals, play games, etc.

 

Wow, what a “aha” moment, if there ever was one, thanks again guys!

[Jibralta]

generally, it boils down to either a) utter lack of attraction and / or b) boundaries that would make it more of a headache than it's worth.

 

I do think women more often get a benefit from being friends with men than the other way around.

 

I do think there's still some just cause and truth behind the stigma.

 

This about sums it up for me.

 

I've always had male friends. I have been attracted to some of them. Some of them have been attracted to me. Sometimes there is mutual attraction. Boundaries got blurry on occasion. But these relationships frequently changed when one or the other of us got into a relationship with someone else. Some faded altogether. Interestingly, I've found that attraction ebbs and flows.

[Jibralta]

Can't speak for others, but I define friendship as a close personal bond, one wherein we spend one-on-one time together, alone, without our significant other, share personal confidences and other trusted information.

 

I do too, and this reminds me of something that happened back in December....

 

But first, a little background: I met my friend John about 10 years ago in graduate school. We've always had a bond. People used to assume that we were a couple, but we never were. To be honest, there were times when I sort of had a crush on him, but it was never compelling enough for me to do anything about. And if he ever felt the same way about me, I don't know.

 

Anyway, John got together with his wive, Ava, about a year after I got together with Arnold. They subsequently married, and last week had their first child (they are 8 years younger than me, by the way).

 

Back in December, John, Ava, Arnold, and I went to a cooking class. We had a great time. John and I really didn't talk for most of it, though. I actually spoke to his wife more, because I am self-conscious and worry that my friendship with John could cause friction with them. But at one point, Arnold and Ava went up to the counter to learn a cooking technique. John and I were left alone at the table. We got right down to business: How are you? How's work? What are you working on? Do you like it? What are your plans for x, y, and z? Blah blah blah. No small talk, no pleasantries, nothing. Just two friends taking a minute to catch up.

[90_hour_sleep]

After thinking this through a bit more, you know what guys? You're right!

 

bolt, you mentioned what my bf and I experienced last month when I arrived at his place and his neighbor (female) was there.

 

Yeah my reaction was not pretty at all (see my thread if anyone is interested).

 

We worked it out and when all was said and done, he had told me that she KNEW he had a girlfriend because whenever they ran into each other and chatted, he would mention it!

 

So perhaps I should learn a lesson from him, and what some of you have been saying too.

 

I suppose I’m just really naïve about certain things; I presume since it’s just innocent chat for me, it is for them too.

 

This may be what gets me into “trouble” sometimes and why men often say I send mixed signals, play games, etc.

 

Wow, what a “aha” moment, if there ever was one, thanks again guys!

 

Really cool that this thread has come to this place. Honest questions. Honest dialogue. Lots of different perspectives.

 

Kudos for keeping the conversation going. And nice that you've maybe learned something about yourself and your interactions in the world at large.

[thealchemist]

After thinking this through a bit more, you know what guys? You're right!

 

bolt, you mentioned what my bf and I experienced last month when I arrived at his place and his neighbor (female) was there.

 

Yeah my reaction was not pretty at all (see my thread if anyone is interested).

 

We worked it out and when all was said and done, he had told me that she KNEW he had a girlfriend because whenever they ran into each other and chatted, he would mention it!

 

So perhaps I should learn a lesson from him, and what some of you have been saying too.

 

I suppose I’m just really naïve about certain things; I presume since it’s just innocent chat for me, it is for them too.

 

This may be what gets me into “trouble” sometimes and why men often say I send mixed signals, play games, etc.

 

Wow, what a “aha” moment, if there ever was one, thanks again guys!

Crazy introspect in this. Very hard to have.

 

I will say that I did get the overwhelming sense that you are just innocent in your line of though. You assume everyone is as upfront an honest as you.

 

The problem is that people frequently have ulterior motives with this stuff. And you being a female and the approaching people being male just makes it more likely that there are ulterior motives.

 

I feel that many males approach under the guise of friendship because they think that they might eventually have a romantic chance. Whereas they see no shot if they start it romantically.

 

I am sure woman do it too but I am a male and better versed with that.

 

So many people use friendship to try to turn a "no" into a "yes".

 

The trick is distinguishing between the two.

 

But if a stranger tries to be friendly with me and wants to hang out, I assume romantic interest.

 

When I am casually thrown around with people, whether work or social circles, that is where I make all my female friends.

 

I honestly never trust a strangers intentions.

[katrina1980]

@alchemist, you're quite perceptive cause for the most part that *is*'what I think.

 

I'm very genuine, I take things at face value which is why when men pull "stunts" on me either to elicit jealousy or to gauge my feelings, or raise my level of interest (PUA nonsense), those stunts (games) usually backfire on them.

 

My reaction is usually the exact opposite of what they expect because I just presume they've lost interest and pull back and start fading myself.

 

Wrong or right I pretty much assume everyone is being real, but I'm learning! And I've learned a hell of a lot after my six year RL ended two years ago.

 

With respect to chatting with strangers, this situation was different because he is my new neighbor, we were waiting for the elevator, the elevator never came, we walked to another, we were almost forced into an extended conversation, otherwise it would have been quite awkward just the two of us standing there for ten minutes in total silence.

 

It is not like I extended myself into conversation with a strange man who just approached me on the street or something. To me THAT is a man hitting on me, so I would not engage that, I have a boyfriend.

 

Do you (and Unreasonable) and others understand the difference?

 

So after casually chatting and filling time while waiting for the elevator, when he suggested drinks after work on Friday, at the time it seemed friendly and normal. Not unlike something a new female neighbor would suggest as well under the same circumstances. That's how it felt.

 

After reading all these posts though, next time I see him, if we start chatting, I will mention my boyfriend.

 

I won't come straight out and tell him (unless he asks) but rather will just casually mention him in the convo.

 

Him: How was your weekend?

 

Me: Great, my BF Xxxx and I did Xxxxx, just so he knows.

 

In case he's thinking of asking me out again,.

[thealchemist]

Him being your neighbor is different than a stranger.

 

I can totally see that being a big difference.

 

But asking for a weekend night to have drinks is what made me think he has romantic interest.

 

But he could also have none.

 

I think our main point is to just be observant because many people are not totally honest with their motives.

[katrina1980]

Him being your neighbor is different than a stranger.

 

I can totally see that being a big difference.

 

But asking for a weekend night to have drinks is what made me think he has romantic interest.

 

But he could also have none.

 

---

 

**I think our main point is to just be observant because many people are not totally honest with their motives.

 

^Oh yeah, I am definitely learning that! And have developed pretty good smarts about it, more or less.

 

Thnx.

[Juha]

As for me, I am single. I have a few female friends that I hangout with and do things with, have many female acquaintance, single and married.

 

Some of them I have dated and we figured out we worked better as friends. It works because we have no desire or attraction to have it be more than what it is.

 

I would say if a man is attracted to a woman he will not be friends with her unless he is weak, then he will be friends in the hopes she will change her mind if he is around to show her

what she is missing. To me that is dishonest and Hollywood fairy tale material.

 

Being up front and honest is always the best. I do not want to be around a woman that I have feelings for that is not interested.

[PICCOLLO]

This old chest nut.

 

It is possible but its more rare than people think. Its more likely to occur when the man has no attraction for the female Id say but even that isnt enough.

 

Men more often than not befriend women as a means to work up to something more. Women seem happy to have friends they know want to have sex woth them but I wouldnt define them as friends.

 

I have two female friends. One is used to have a crush on me but I never had feelings for her and she is now married to a giy im also friends with. The other has been happily married the whole time ive known her and is unattractive to me physically.

 

Every other time has led to more.

 

I also dont stay friends with exes or ppl who im attracted to that arent interested.