Male/Female Platonic Friendships

[WaywardKiwi]

I think it's of course possible and that it happens frequently enough. I've got a few myself, and, generally, it boils down to either a) utter lack of attraction and / or b) boundaries that would make it more of a headache than it's worth.

 

This. I'd say this isn't a biological sex issue, so much as a sexuality/sexual preference issue. Attraction complicates friendships, regardless of biology. It's not impossible to be attracted to someone AND be purely platonic, but it requires a level of self-awareness and general emotional stability that not a lot of people possess (myself included). That said, I'd say attraction itself is kind of a spectrum - some people we can be initially attracted to, but over time it diminishes or evolves into friendship rather than sexual/romantic interest. I definitely have at least 2 female friends with whom I originally started interacting with based on attraction, over time I end up not wanting more than friendship. I also have plenty of failed friendships where I have not been able to let go of my underlying attraction (including, most recently, a friendship I deliberately walked away from because of my own attraction).

[90_hour_sleep]

I have a few good female friends. As in, we spend time together semi-regularly. We get along. We share activities. We share intimate details about our lives with one another. We seek support from each other in various capacities. We're far beyond acquaintances. We've known each other in this capacity for many years.

 

There's a part of me that has wondered about them as potential partners. It's never gone beyond a passing curiosity though. Some I feel an attraction towards. They're attractive people. Have attractive qualities. We share comparable lifestyles. There's all kinds of potential. Firm boundaries. That's all I can attribute it to. They all live in other places now, so if I visit I usually spend the night, or a couple of nights. There's no question about where I sleep. Guest room. Couch. Floor. One offers her bed, but she's just that kind of person with her friends...all of them. I don't go there though...which is my boundary. Totally possible. If you value the friendship, you maintain the boundaries.

[Tryingit]

I think it is very rare and every male friend I’ve ever had has hit on me, and killed the friendship. Therefore I no longer have male friends, HOWEVER, I want to share the ex friend experience which many people are rightfully skeptical of.

 

I’m still best friends with one of my exes, really good friends with another, and on friendly/fond check-in terms with a couple others. They’re all dating other people and I’m dating others. I wouldn’t be with any of them again for various dealbreaker factors that caused the relationship not to workout. I’m still physically attracted to all of them. In every case, the friendship/companionship survived past the relationship because we were really good friends inside the relationship and love each other as human beings. I know this sounds very hippie, but it’s possible, and it’s given me some of the most valuable relationships of my life. I count two of my exes as my two closest friends and favorite people in the world. One of them I talk to for hours a day. We’ve never hooked up outside being together in any of the cases.

 

So I think it can work if you’ve ALREADY banged and know the relationship doesn’t work.

[melancholy123]

I'm a married woman and I've always had platonic male friends. My husband is a car guy and we go to car shows and are involved with a particular type of car. So I meet a lot of guys that way. Some become friends, most dont, but we can certainly be friendly around each other without any sort of sexual tension going on.

 

I dont see any reason why people cant have friends of the opposite gender while in a relationship with someone, as long as they aren't getting it on together! Like Seraphim said, not all guys think with their penis. My husband has no jealousy issues and it's cool with him that I have guy friends.

[katrina1980]

 

I think it is very rare and every male friend I’ve ever had has hit on me, and killed the friendship. Therefore I no longer have male friends,

 

I can relate.

 

 

HOWEVER, I want to share the ex friend experience which many people are rightfully skeptical of.

 

I’m still best friends with one of my exes, really good friends with another, and on friendly/fond check-in terms with a couple others. They’re all dating other people and I’m dating others. I wouldn’t be with any of them again for various dealbreaker factors that caused the relationship not to workout. I’m still physically attracted to all of them. In every case, the friendship/companionship survived past the relationship because we were really good friends inside the relationship and love each other as human beings. I know this sounds very hippie, but it’s possible, and it’s given me some of the most valuable relationships of my life. I count two of my exes as my two closest friends and favorite people in the world. One of them I talk to for hours a day. We’ve never hooked up outside being together in any of the cases.

 

 

I think that's great, seriously! But just out of curiosity, are you currently in a committed RL?

 

If so, how does your boyfriend feel about your having such close friendships with your ex's?

 

Just reading this board, I would not think it would go down well, but if he is evolved and there is trust, then he should not feel threatened by any of them.

 

Although contend, if the roles were flipped (meaning if my boyfriend maintained close friendships like that with his ex's - talking for hours a day, etc (not that he would, or even have time for that) -- I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

 

For me, I don't trust close friendships between ex's, but reading your post has shed a new and different light on the situation.

 

Thank you!

[Tryingit]

I’m not currently in a serious relationship but when I have been in relationships I have to admit I don’t disclose my relationship with my exes. I’m not being shady but I know how it can be misconstrued. People misunderstand this type of friendship because it is tied to feelings/love. I still love all my exes, but I love them in the way you love a human being not a looooove, ooh I hope he kisses me, kinda way. It’s kind of like how you love your brother, because you see them as off-limits. Super hard to explain.

 

I don’t think the talk-daily ex will survive me being in a serious relationship. We’d probably naturally have to pair it down to talking 2x a week or something. You adjust with the situation.

[Hollyj]

I have quite a few male friends. Thankfully, none have made any moves, or shown interest sexually.

[Batya33]

I’m not currently in a serious relationship but when I have been in relationships I have to admit I don’t disclose my relationship with my exes. I’m not being shady but I know how it can be misconstrued. People misunderstand this type of friendship because it is tied to feelings/love. I still love all my exes, but I love them in the way you love a human being not a looooove, ooh I hope he kisses me, kinda way. It’s kind of like how you love your brother, because you see them as off-limits. Super hard to explain.

 

I don’t think the talk-daily ex will survive me being in a serious relationship. We’d probably naturally have to pair it down to talking 2x a week or something. You adjust with the situation.

 

I believe in a committed relationship it's a bad idea to hide friendships from the other person and can be disloyal. I don't think it's necessary to share all details unless it's relevant -like sharing who you're spending time with if asked, etc. I have a number of cyber friends my husband doesn't know about because it's not relevant for him to know - but if he asked me who so and so was I would tell him, no problem. I also don't tell him all the details of who I'm meeting for lunch or similar because it's not important. And vice versa. But if I were going to see an ex I would tell him unless it was someone I saw regularly and he was aware of that. Especially if there is a commitment you have to be on the same page about boundaries or at least be comfortable with the other person's boundaries.

[Unreasonable]

 

I know this isn't helping the "sexist" angle, but I can think of very, very few women that I wasn't attracted to that I wanted to spend a lot of time on and with. Maybe one or two ever. And one of them it turned out she was attracted to me, and I had to cut that one off (I was married).

 

While possible, I think it is rare enough that it is not worth jeopardizing a relationship over.

[katrina1980]

@ Steve Harvey's video.

 

This is exactly what the guy I was chatting with during break said too. Which prompted me to start this thread.

 

"That any woman who believes her male "friends" don't think about her sexually are kidding themselves. (Assuming the guy is straight).

 

Steve Harvey's word was "delusional." Which sounds harsh, but put in context, okay I guess.

 

He may not act on it, but only because he knows or suspects it wouldn't go down well and possibly end the "friendship" (possible future access to her sexually).

 

Maybe that's okay though if both are okay with it. Personally speaking, I'm not, I'm uncomfortable with it. Reasons already stated.

 

Thanks for chiming in unreasonable!

[Batya33]

I think it's fine if friends also have some attraction as long as they choose not to let it get in the way of the friendship. I don't think that's true of all male-female friendships. Men and women can make that choice. For example, if you were on a diet would you skip going to important family or friend events because you might be in the vicinity of tempting food? We make choices all the time like that -we might choose not to play with fire (no I would not go to a hotel room alone with a platonic male friend) but we make choices all the time where there might be temptation of some sort but on balance we know we will do the right thing. Having said that I would never tell someone -including you -to pursue any type of friendship whether male, female, emotional support peacock. It's a personal choice when it comes to all friendships (or the choice to have no friends).

 

So an interesting example. I have a good friend who is gay. I am straight. I said something jokingly flirtatious to her (which would have not been taken that way if she were straight - I realized that later) and she reacted with a joke back about having to ask her wife for permission. So, should gay people avoid same sex platonic friendships under the theory that there is a risk that there might be a sexual attraction, or maybe there was in the past?

[Unreasonable]

I think opposite-sex friendships get a bad rap because, frankly, the stereotype of guys very obviously waiting on the sideline or circling in the periphery like a vulture and for some reason the woman gets a pass for evidently having the awareness of a stunted gerbil is still a real thingl

 

There are a lot of women with

The guy's wearing the same clothes throughout, so I presume this was made in one day.

 

Granted, these are young ones without a lot of life experience.

[DancingFool]

@ Steve Harvey's video.

 

This is exactly what the guy I was chatting with during break said too. Which prompted me to start this thread.

 

"That any woman who believes her male "friends" don't think about her sexually are kidding themselves. (Assuming the guy is straight).

 

Steve Harvey's word was "delusional." Which sounds harsh, but put in context, okay I guess.

 

He may not act on it, but only because he knows or suspects it wouldn't go down well and possibly end the "friendship" (possible future access to her sexually).

 

Maybe that's okay though if both are okay with it. Personally speaking, I'm not, I'm uncomfortable with it. Reasons already stated.

 

Thanks for chiming in unreasonable!

 

So according to him all men are just mindless, purely sexually driven drones, aka dogs in heat that will hump anything at all that moves? I don't know....when I hear that, I think it says a lot more about the mind of the speaker than the reality of all kinds of people out there..... In fact, thank God we don't actually live in such a limited world as he proclaims.

 

The more we insist on these kinds of attitudes that the opposite sex can ONLY be seen as a sex object, the more we harm ourselves as a society as the sexes drift apart and fail to understand each other more and more.

 

Not saying that there aren't plenty of men out there circling like vultures, too much of a coward to come out and ask for what he wants, so pretending to be a pal waiting on some magical moment to pounce with his real intentions. Sure, plenty of them out there. Plenty of women willing to use these "friendships" as an ego boost too. That's a whole other dynamic that I wouldn't call a friendship at all.

[Unreasonable]

So according to him all men are just mindless, purely sexually driven drones, aka dogs in heat that will hump anything at all that moves?

That's funny, I didn't hear him say that at all. Did you watch the video? There's a big difference between being "mindless, purely sexually driven drones, aka dogs in heat that will hump anything at all that moves" and being opportunistic, imho.

 

P.S. I'm a man and I've never cheated, and at least partially attribute that to purposely avoiding opportunities to do so. I think Steve's grown into that mindset as well.

 

I've wanted to. Several times.

 

A smart person learns from their mistakes. An even smarter person learns from other people's mistakes. I learned all I ever needed to know about cheating from my dad's mistakes, and there's been some doozy's there.

[Batya33]

That's funny, I didn't hear him say that at all. Did you watch the video? There's a big difference between being "mindless, purely sexually driven drones, aka dogs in heat that will hump anything at all that moves" and being opportunistic, imho.

 

P.S. I'm a man and I've never cheated, and at least partially attribute that to purposely avoiding opportunities to do so. I think Steve's grown into that mindset as well.

 

I've wanted to. Several times.

 

A smart person learns from their mistakes. An even smarter person learns from other people's mistakes. I learned all I ever needed to know about cheating from my dad's mistakes, and there's been some doozy's there.

 

Yes, I agree with not playing with fire. I don't agree that platonic male friendships are playing with fire. I do think that people who avoid opposite sex friendships at all costs are increasing their risk of making stereotypical assumptions about this topic and unwittingly getting involved in awkward situations based on lack of experience being friends with people of the opposite sex. I do not feel that way in the least about the OP or about what she has written -just saying generally.

[katrina1980]

 

Not saying that there aren't plenty of men out there circling like vultures, too much of a coward to come out and ask for what he wants, so pretending to be a pal waiting on some magical moment to pounce with his real intentions. Sure, plenty of them out there. Plenty of women willing to use these "friendships" as an ego boost too. That's a whole other dynamic that I wouldn't call a friendship at all.

 

My sentiments exactly, which is precisely why after they have revealed their true intentions, I don't wish to continue the "friendship" any longer. With the exception of the guy I spoke of earlier - after he told me how he felt, and kissed me, we ended up dating for four years. But that's very rare, I think.

 

Unlike my co-worker who I mentioned previously. She as much as admitted she enjoys the attention she gets (ego-boost) from these "friends" and that it's "fun." She also has a boyfriend she's been dating a few months (exclusively).

 

Like you said, plenty of other women who feel and do the same too.

 

To each her own, just not my cut of tea.

[Sportster2005]

I think you have four anecdotes. So it's not really fact. And I think your sample size is small.

 

Personally I find the implication that men can't resist their female friends a little patronizing.

 

Men and women can be friends, because there's millions, if not billions of example around us. Not going to be swayed otherwise with a few anecdotes.

[Unreasonable]

I don't think a lot of men view themselves as "circling vultures". I just think people generally want to be friends with people they are attracted to. That initial attraction may not necessarily be physical attraction, but it can become that way. I've seen many posts here and other places, where women have stated that they didn't even think their husband was that good looking when they first met them. But, he was funny, a good personality, etc., and from the attraction to the personality, the physical attraction grew from there. I think that can happen for both sexes, but I think physical attraction is usually the starting point for men. The mindset might not be a deliberate circling vulture, but as time passes, closeness grows, people start talking about things they shouldn't (like problems in their relationship), and the cracks start to appear. The man may not even view himself as a circling vulture, but a knight in shining armor.

[Pleasedonot5]

Hmm, I somewhat disagree. I don't think it relates to men specifically, but women also (I run into the reverse problem, where I want to be friends and they want more).

 

I've had platonic lady friends, however I will agree it's rare and save for a group environment the interaction tends to fade.

[Unreasonable]

I think you have four anecdotes. So it's not really fact. And I think your sample size is small.

 

Personally I find the implication that men can't resist their female friends a little patronizing.

 

Men and women can be friends, because there's millions, if not billions of example around us. Not going to be swayed otherwise with a few anecdotes.

 

You have 5,468 posts here. Unless you've blatantly avoided the infidelity section, you've surely seen more than 4 anecdotes where seemingly innocent friendships have taken inappropriate turns?

[thealchemist]

Perspective from a hyper sexual male...

 

I have plenty of female friends.

 

To suggest that males can't have a platonic friendship with a female that is attractive is ludicrous.

 

I am in a great relationship. End of story. Doesn't matter what the girl's situation is because I AM HAPPY with my relationship.

 

I am not going to seek outside romance with anyone, whether a friend or not, so I am kind of dumbfounded by this line of thought.

 

Makes me think that people who believe this must think every guy is controlled by his reproductive organs and has no free will.

 

This is also coming from a guy who likes to have sex everyday. So I would think it should be harder for me, but it isn't.

 

I will say that I do absolutely refuse to be friends with anyone I have dated before. I didn't want a friend when entering the relationship, I dont want a friend (or the baggage) after the relationship is over. To me this is just prudent thinking.

 

I have noticed sexual attraction between me and female friends before. Not like I am getting a crush or anything. Just some sexual attraction.

 

But I am in a relationship so that is a moot point. If any of my female friends ever tried to pursue one with me she would be out of my life as soon as I noticed what was going on. It has happened a few times...

[Unreasonable]

I am in a great relationship. End of story. Doesn't matter what the girl's situation is because I AM HAPPY with my relationship.

 

And what if you weren't? Relationships are rarely static, and most opportunists don't make their move when everything's great.

[katrina1980]

@alchemist, you sound a bit PO'd, not sure why as no one is suggesting (at least not I) that men can't ever have platonic friendships with women.

 

I think it's the opposite, they can and do!

 

It's just that for me, my experiences have been that whenever I had a friendship with a man, he has always wanted "more" (dating, sex, whatever). Which, after they've told me, I'm not comfortable with, so I end the friendship.

 

Now, given my experiences, I don't pursue friendships with men anymore. Regardless of whether I'm in an exclusive RL or not. It's my own personal thing based on my own experiences.

 

But as has been posted here from the ladies and some men, such friendships are quite common!

 

Some men (such as Steve Harvey, the man I chatted with during break, and Unreasonable) believe those friendships are somewhat disingenuous because the man often has other intentions. Which again, is what I have experienced.

 

That opinion is fine too, we are all different and will have different feelings/opinions about it.

[thealchemist]

And what if you weren't? Relationships are rarely static, and most opportunists don't make their move when everything's great.

I have never pursued any female friends.

 

When I met my wife I liked her after talking to her for a few minutes, and I instantly thought she was very cute too.

 

I never wanted to be just friends with her and I wouldn't have ever been able to. I pursued her (timidly) from day one.

 

I have known very quickly with making female friends that I could never be in a long term relationship with them. And I don't want to have sex outside of one.

 

So it has never been an issue with me. But I am a bit of an oddball.

[LondonLad83]

I've always had a lot of female friends and probably at least half of them I've never been interested in romantically. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not physically attracted to them or not. I've got one friend who objectively is an attractive girl but I've never fancied her or wanted to take things further. Another friend said after maybe a couple years of being a good friend that she probably would have gone out with me if I had asked her, because she went out with another guy soon after I started becoming friends with her but he went after her and I didn't.

 

I had one female friend who wanted more and I had to block her because she wouldn't accept I wanted just friends.

 

I just thought about my 8 best female friends and 4 of them I have fancied at some point and 4 I haven't. 1 of the 4 I liked is my girlfriend though, and I've always liked her