My 23 y/o girlfriend has had 30+ sexual partners, I've had 3 counting her.

[musicman777]

I would run for the hills if someone told me they had sex with that many guys, especially at only 23 years old. I agree with the others; you're #31, and #32 is probably on the horizon. This girl sounds like a sex addict. If you can't please her, what's stopping her from jumping onto the next guy?

 

Don't be so gullible for her. She's obviously alluring and probably extremely attractive if she got that many guys to shag her. I wouldn't fall for it. And I too find it tacky she even had to talk about it in the first place, or even keeps count for that matter. Oh well, it's your feelings on the line buddy.

[rosephase]

Wow. That's a lot of sex negative reactions. I honestly thought enotalone was getting better about this stuff.

 

Exploring sexually doesn't make you a bad person. Or mean your dirty. Or mean you're a sex addict. Or mean you're an attention wh*re. Or mean you have low self esteem. Wanting to remain friends with people you have sex with means you f*ck people you like and respect. And being open and honest about who you are and where you've been is a good thing on dates. I'm super up front and honest about my sexual history with people I date and with friends. I actively want partners who know about my past and are interested in what makes me, me. And how I explored sex and relationships is a part of that.

 

If the OP can't handle it? That's fine. He doesn't have to. But all of you deciding she has these deep character flaws because of a number of sexual partners she had? That's some b*llsh*t.

 

I had a ton of sexual partners when I was younger. I like sex. I was excited about exploring it. I wanted to try everything. Exploring sex is really fun! It took me awhile to figure out what I did and didn't want out of sexual relationship. And I'm super glad I took the time to explore. Because now I know myself I get to have really lovely and positive sex life.

 

And I also think it's lovely that she upfront that she isn't going to let her partner choose who she is friends with.

 

I'm honestly disappointed in this response. Sex is so wrecked in our culture because we heap so much shame on it. I thought this forum had been moving in a less sexual shame direction. It bums me out to read these responses.

[Wiseman2]

If she volunteered, then it's a matter of TMI on any date in general and the first date in particular. Perhaps she's just a super open person who does what others may consider 'oversharing' from the numbers to the stays friends part. Does the fact that she's older and more experienced bother you?

It wasn't bragging, our first date started as coffee and ended up with us talking about life at 5:00am. I didn't want to put all the details of why it came out.

[thealchemist]

Wow. That's a lot of sex negative reactions. I honestly thought enotalone was getting better about this stuff.

 

Exploring sexually doesn't make you a bad person. Or mean your dirty. Or mean you're a sex addict. Or mean you're an attention wh*re. Or mean you have low self esteem. Wanting to remain friends with people you have sex with means you f*ck people you like and respect. And being open and honest about who you are and where you've been is a good thing on dates. I'm super up front and honest about my sexual history with people I date and with friends. I actively want partners who know about my past and are interested in what makes me, me. And how I explored sex and relationships is a part of that.

 

If the OP can't handle it? That's fine. He doesn't have to. But all of you deciding she has these deep character flaws because of a number of sexual partners she had? That's some b*llsh*t.

 

I had a ton of sexual partners when I was younger. I like sex. I was excited about exploring it. I wanted to try everything. Exploring sex is really fun! It took me awhile to figure out what I did and didn't want out of sexual relationship. And I'm super glad I took the time to explore. Because now I know myself I get to have really lovely and positive sex life.

 

And I also think it's lovely that she upfront that she isn't going to let her partner choose who she is friends with.

 

I'm honestly disappointed in this response. Sex is so wrecked in our culture because we heap so much shame on it. I thought this forum had been moving in a less sexual shame direction. It bums me out to read these responses.

So refreshing rose, thank you.

 

If it isn't something you can handle then I would end the relationship.

 

But I would be a million times more likely to date a woman with a 100 sexual partners that has never cheated in a relationship than one that has had 2 sexual partners yet cheated.

 

Having sex with a lot of people doesn't imply some lack of morality. It doesn't inherently implicate anything negative either.

 

With an individual like me, who is very sexual, informing me of your past in regards to sex is very... informative.

 

It is a huge part of compatibilty with me. Most people wouldn't even be an applicable match for me because of my overt sexuality.

 

So a comment like she gave is just trying to clue you in on it. Now if she did it in a weird braggy way or did it immaturely I would judge her on that. But not on the information itself.

 

If her telling you this has set you off this much then I would wager your compatibility sexually is not the best.

 

It wouldn't even phase me if a woman told me that as long as it was down in a reasonable way.

[jimthzz]

I think people are cautious about sex because it has been wrecked by the risk of STD exposure.

 

And there are a lot of us who value at least serial monogamy. Do people who enjoy having multiple partners on lets say a 30--300~ level ever decide to call it quits and focus on one person? And when they do, do they give up staying "friends" with the whole lot?

[thealchemist]

I think people are cautious about sex because it has been wrecked by the risk of STD exposure.

 

And there are a lot of us who value at least serial monogamy. Do people who enjoy having multiple partners on lets say a 30--300~ level ever decide to call it quits and focus on one person? And when they do, do they give up staying "friends" with the whole lot?

I am sure there are.

 

I just don't see the issue with numbers.

 

I have had one sexual partner thus far, and have been sexually active for over a decade.

 

So many people have had ten times the sexual partners I have had. So I don't see how having several partners is fine to those people but someone with a higher number is repulsive.

 

If I used that same train of thought then I should think people with only a handful of partners is disgusting.

 

I don't see "the line" or why there is even a discussion of having on.

 

But as far as STDs go... Always get tested before having sex with a new partner. Numbers don't matter.

 

You can have syphilis with one partner a d be a lot more dangerious than a person with herpes who has had 100 partners.

[jimthzz]

I am sure there are.

 

I just don't see the issue with numbers.

 

I have had one sexual partner thus far, and have been sexually active for over a decade.

 

So many people have had ten times the sexual partners I have had. So I don't see how having several partners is fine to those people but someone with a higher number is repulsive.

 

If I used that same train of thought then I should think people with only a handful of partners is disgusting.

 

I don't see "the line" or why there is even a discussion of having on.

 

But as far as STDs go... Always get tested before having sex with a new partner. Numbers don't matter.

 

You can have syphilis with one partner a d be a lot more dangerious than a person with herpes who has had 100 partners.

 

So you don't see the basic math problem that escalates risk? Some STDs are not detectable in men, for example, HPV, that can result in cancer.

 

The obvious heavy-hitters such as HIV, syphilis, or gonorrhea? sure, detectable.

 

Everyone has a "line" where below that number they are fine with it. Above it, not so much, but will deal with it. Then there is that line they do not ever, ever want to cross.

 

The problem is when those Venn diagrams do not match and one partner isn't aware of it yet.

 

It's not about shaming anyone, really. It's about comfort levels and respect.

[reinventmyself]

In all do fairness, he should be tested too. 30 or 1. If youre sexually active you are at risk. Its Russian roulette.

I'd be insulted if my partner told me I needed to based soley on my experience.

Go together.

[Batya33]

I don't like that she shared this with you. I can share an anecdote. My friend's daughter went through a promiscuous phase in her teens/early 20s. Multiple partners ,risky sex, contracted an STD. In her mid 20s she decided she wanted to settle down. She was set up with a good guy who most likely had had very few partners (and may have been a virgin). She called me (because she didn't want to discuss this with her mother) and asked how she should tell him about her STD since they were getting serious and talking marriage. I told her to just tell him matter of factly and to explain that she really wanted to be with him and was very serious about him. It went well and they've been married almost 5 years. She never ever had an issue with being loyal and faithful -she was so happy to have met him and she'd closed the chapter of being promiscuous. And that's the key, to me -if she is done with the promiscuity/experimentation and can see herself being with only one person long term that's fine. I would not be comfortable with her being friends with those men unless they were close friends before, you have the opportunity to meet them and they are supportive of her relationship. If she's staying in touch with men where the basis of their connection is sex I don't know that that is consistent with a long term committed relationship.

[rosephase]

STIs are mostly harmless or curable. The stigma around them is insane for the actual amount of harm they cause. I also find that the people with the least knowledge about them have the most fear. That stigma (ewww something you got through sex is so much dirtier then something you got through... the gym floor? The door knob at work? any kind of normal human injury or grossness that we all go through all the time having a body) is part of how we, as a culture, heap shame on people for being sexual.

[abitbroken]

STIs are mostly harmless or curable. The stigma around them is insane for the actual amount of harm they cause. I also find that the people with the least knowledge about them have the most fear. That stigma (ewww something you got through sex is so much dirtier then something you got through... the gym floor? The door knob at work? any kind of normal human injury or grossness that we all go through all the time having a body) is part of how we, as a culture, heap shame on people for being sexual.

 

stigma aside, just because they are "curable" does not mean that he doesn't have a right to ask her to get tested. I can get better from the flu, but why go into a house where everyone has it and is holding their barf bag? just because its curable does not mean he doesn't have the right to protect himself from unnecessary risk. Believe it or not there *are* people out there who are careful, have had a very limited amount of encounters by their own choice and are not at high risk as carriers. someone who has had 30 partners in a short amount of time is a higher risk. A doorknob is unavoidable, but STDs can be avoided

[rosephase]

stigma aside, just because they are "curable" does not mean that he doesn't have a right to ask her to get tested. I can get better from the flu, but why go into a house where everyone has it and is holding their barf bag? just because its curable does not mean he doesn't have the right to protect himself from unnecessary risk. Believe it or not there *are* people out there who are careful, have had a very limited amount of encounters by their own choice and are not at high risk as carriers. someone who has had 30 partners in a short amount of time is a higher risk. A doorknob is unavoidable, but STDs can be avoided

 

Of course you have the right to ask your partner to be tested! OMG what did I say that even implied that? I think everyone should get tested regularly. I think all of us need to be more informed and more aware about STIs. I'm all for good non-traumatizing sexual health. The fact is if we removed stigma from the equation we could have better sexual health.

[ThatwasThen]

I'd just be worried about her ability to be in and maintain something serious. Out of those 30, how many was she just in a casual dynamic with and how many did she consider to be serious and committed within a monogamous union?

 

For anyone who wanted to be in a long term, committed and monogamous union, I think she wouldn't be a good choice to go forward with if the majority of those guys she was with was just casually. If you're into the same kind of sexual freedom and don't worry about such things... well then have at er. Unfortunately, Op. You're not compatible with this girl in your sensibilities. That, no wonder, has got your gut trying to tell you something.

[90_hour_sleep]

I would love advice on any of this. How do others coup with jealousy, or how would you deal with my situation specifically? Is there anything I can do so I am able to move on? If I were to talk to her about it what would be the best way to both, get some peace AND not come off as an insane jealous person. I don't mind criticism I know my inexperience makes me act incorrectly.

 

Honesty is the most important quality.

Thank you for your time! -MrOverThinker

 

What do you mean by the bolded bit?

 

There's nothing wrong with feeling jealous. There's nothing wrong with feeling upset. There's nothing wrong with feeling sexually inexperienced. There's nothing wrong with any of this. Give yourself a little credit. You've taken an interest in moving through some uncomfortable feelings. That's not a small thing.

 

When two people care about each other...nothing is taboo. Or rather, nothing should be taboo. Granted, it takes some time to get to that space. And some people will just never fit for us in that regard. Also okay. It's part of how we learn about ourselves and the world at large. That said, I think if you care about her, there's no shame in talking to her about this. If she's as open to her past as you've indicated, then she'd probably be open to having a conversation. I don't think there's anything wrong with coming right out and saying, ''I'm feeling some jealousy based on some of the things you've told me about your past.'' This comment doesn't mean that you're pathetic, or drowning in your own insecurity. You're having a pretty real and very common human emotional experience! And from there, at least she knows where you're coming from, and why you're talking to her about it. If there's something you want to know...you can ask. Although, knowing the answers doesn't always make stuff easier, and maybe that's why a lot of people opt for restraint when it comes to getting too in depth about sexual histories. It's a common trigger for jealousy. Not sure why. Maybe it triggers feelings of inadequacy. Or regret. Who knows. The fact is, you're feeling jealous, which is different than feeling upset on some moral grounds. I think it indicates some curiosity about her experience. Or has triggered some feeling that you've missed out on something. Or it just triggers your own insecurities about sexual inexperience.

 

I say, don't be afraid to talk about it. Maybe the two of you are incompatible for some reason. Maybe you'll never feel good about the sexual relationship. Okay. but perhaps you can learn about yourself, and what makes you tick.

 

You're here because you care about this person. I'd also suggest trying to reframe how you see your sexual relationship. It's an opportunity to connect with another human being. Where either of you have been or haven't been in your respective pasts is pretty much irrelevant. ''Inexperience'' is a perception...not some actual reality. You have your own instincts. And your own feelings. Your own curiosities. Don't let our culture ruin it for you. You don't need to be an ''experienced'' lover to reap the benefits of a loving, sexual relationship. Pay attention. Be present. Be curious. Be open. Listen. Have fun. And don't take yourself too seriously. Of course, those are just things that I value. Maybe you've got a few of your own to add to that list.

 

I echo the sentiments of others too...go get tested. And if you haven't already, ask if she was tested since her most recent partner before you. Basic sexual etiquette. And we're all responsible for ourselves in this respect. Pretty sure there are ways to set this up online now (there are where I'm from). All the paperwork is generated anonymously online...then all you have to do is show up at a lab that will take the necessary samples. Results can be delivered to you electronically...and if something comes back positive, someone will contact you more directly to discuss.

 

Good luck!

[MrOverThinker]

Pay attention. Be present. Be curious. Be open. Listen. Have fun. And don't take yourself too seriously.

 

Thank you a ton for your helpful advice. I will take it to heart.

[MrOverThinker]

I am going to ask... but are these all online relationships you've had?

 

No, not even sure exactly what that is...

[MrOverThinker]

QUOTE]I would run for the hills if someone told me they had sex with that many guys, especially at only 23 years old. I agree with the others; you're #31, and #32 is probably on the horizon. This girl sounds like a sex addict. If you can't please her, what's stopping her from jumping onto the next guy?

 

Don't be so gullible for her. She's obviously alluring and probably extremely attractive if she got that many guys to shag her. I wouldn't fall for it. And I too find it tacky she even had to talk about it in the first place, or even keeps count for that matter. Oh well, it's your feelings on the line buddy.

 

I thank a lot of you for your advice, but I don't think some of you get it. I am not concerned with her. You guys went straight to judgment about her. I was trying to tell you it’s a complicated situation for me. She and I are great, and she is a very good match. I think you missed the point which is, "I'm Jealous" Not "Diagnose this wackjob girl." I appreciate some of your concerns for my sexual and mental health, but I am taking care of myself. Thank you all for posting :)

[DanZee]

I think the takeaway point here is that you're absolute right to be feeling what you're feeling. The average woman sleeps with about 7 men in her life and your girlfriend has already slept with 30 men and she's only 23! That is extraordinary and you have to wonder how she even feels about sex. But you said something interesting that you've never been able to bring her to orgasm. Has she ever experienced orgasm? That might be the reason sex is so casual to her. But I don't think anyone knows how to get that out of your mind unless you're the special guy who can bring her to climax. I would advise you to concentrate on doing that so you will be special to her.

[IAmFCA]

I mean, shes 23. if she's been having sex for 5 years, that's one every two months. classic pattern of a young serial monogamist. 30 is not such a big deal.

 

no orgasms...

 

i am sensing the pattern of someone who avoids emotional intimacy, and that may be the more challenging issue. Google it...

[Pleasedonot5]

I mean, shes 23. if she's been having sex for 5 years, that's one every two months. classic pattern of a young serial monogamist. 30 is not such a big deal.

 

no orgasms...

 

i am sensing the pattern of someone who avoids emotional intimacy, and that may be the more challenging issue. Google it...

Thank you. Provided she's been safe and respectful each time, that seems like a number that shouldn't define her character.

[abitbroken]

Thank you. Provided she's been safe and respectful eac

 

h time, that seems like a number that shouldn't define her character.

 

But he has a right to not trust that she has been 'safe and respectful'. 30 men is 30 men. And he should REQUIRE that she be tested for HIS peace of mind but mostly for his HEALTH and the protection of his own body.

[Pleasedonot5]

But he has a right to not trust that she has been 'safe and respectful'. 30 men is 30 men. And he should REQUIRE that she be tested for HIS peace of mind but mostly for his HEALTH and the protection of his own body.

Well right, in nicer words, it might be a good idea to ask that she be tested (lots of health departments at county governments do STD testing free or subsidized) before engaging in sexual activity with her.

 

Think that's just a smart practice regardless of the number, though. I would ask (and have asked) someone who had had 1-5 partners the same thing.

[ThatwasThen]

QUOTE]

I thank a lot of you for your advice, but I don't think some of you get it. I am not concerned with her. You guys went straight to judgment about her. I was trying to tell you it’s a complicated situation for me. She and I are great, and she is a very good match. I think you missed the point which is, "I'm Jealous"

Google "Retroactive jealousy" and educate yourself, then.

 

There are even some online courses you can take to help you change the negative dialogue going on in your head about feeling insecure about her past.

[Giblesp]

Without reading the rest of the thread, I can can predict that many will tell you that you are in the wrong to be jealous.

 

However, you are a young person and that is where you are at today. Truth be told, dating someone who has had the same history as yourself will be a weight off of your shoulders.

 

You can either get over this and enjoy the time with her, or end it. But don't remain stuck in this limbo.

[EtrnalOptimist]

To say you are incompatible is putting it mildly. That she brags about it and wants to remain friends with them is yet another red flag.

As others have said; no 32 and 33 are probably already on the horizon.

Run, don't wak