New girlfriend having out-of-town male best friend at her place for the weekend

[Wiseman2]

Blow her mind. Offer to put the guy up at your place, see what she says. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. If you mention anything it could come off as jealous/controlling if you don't you'll wonder and could be resentful.

She's told me for a couple weeks that she was planning to have friends visiting a couple weekends but she just said yesterday that one is her male best friend and I'm noticing that it's starting to bother me.

[Hollyj]

Blow her mind. Offer to put the guy up at your place, see what she says. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. If you mention anything it could come off as jealous/controlling if you don't you'll wonder and could be resentful.

 

No. Then it will be clear that he does not trust her and is insecure. There is no reason why he cannot stay at hers.

[Seymore]

I don't feel that he is being controlling or anything because he hasn't even started this dialog with his Gf. He came here to make sure he wasn't being extreme.

 

Exactly. Seems like lately you can't even think something or you're controlling.

 

 

Blow her mind. Offer to put the guy up at your place, see what she says. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. If you mention anything it could come off as jealous/controlling if you don't you'll wonder and could be resentful.

 

Now THAT sounds like something I would do (offer, probably not actually do, though). I'd have a "get to know you" night, just a guy's time out to feel him out.

 

Although it could backfire in OP's favor - imagine him getting to know the guy and finding out he's the total package, lol.

[Hollyj]

Exactly. Seems like lately you can't even think something or you're controlling.

 

 

 

 

Now THAT sounds like something I would do (offer, probably not actually do, though). I'd have a "get to know you" night, just a guy's time out to feel him out.

 

Although it could backfire in OP's favor - imagine him getting to know the guy and finding out he's the total package, lol.

 

I would think that this suggestion was strange, unless I had stated I had a lack of space. Also, if he were only going to be here a couple of days, i would want to spend time with my friends, as they came to see me.

 

he said that he was going to talk to her about his concerns. That is why it was coming off as sounding controlling.

[Seymore]

I would think that this suggestion was strange, unless I had stated I had a lack of space. Also, if he were only going to be here a couple of days, i would want to spend time with my friends, as they came to see me.

 

he said that he was going to talk to her about his concerns. That is why it was coming off as sounding controlling.

 

I'm not suggesting he monopolize the guy's time and as I said, I probably wouldn't actually go through with offering him my place. If anything I'd probably do something more along the lines of take the two of them out to dinner and maybe shoot some pool - then leave them to the rest of his time in town. I'm getting to know someone important to her, helping entertain, and at the same time I'm getting a feel for him and most likely it's put my mind at ease.

 

Talking to someone about their concerns isn't controlling. I would think in a relationship that people could talk about concerns. If you start suggesting the other person can't do this or that, that's controlling. But if he acknowledges the insecurity is his issue and doesn't lay the responsibility on her to do something about it to soothe that, I don't see an issue.

[thealchemist]

I would think that this suggestion was strange, unless I had stated I had a lack of space. Also, if he were only going to be here a couple of days, i would want to spend time with my friends, as they came to see me.

 

he said that he was going to talk to her about his concerns. That is why it was coming off as sounding controlling.

Talking about his concerns isn't explicitly controlling. It is just expressing his feelings.

 

It is only controlling when he attempts to... control her.

 

This OP didn't seem like a guy that is going to "forbid" her to do something or some kind of crap like that.

 

In fact. Nothing he has stated even implies controlling to me. Just him wanting to express his feelings and not sure how to do it in a non negative way.

 

I will say that offering your place does seem a little too insecure for something I would do. But wanting to meet him is totally acceptable in my mind.

[Hollyj]

If I said that old time friend were coming to say with me, and my new bf expressed concern with him staying with me, I would see it as a huge red flag. End of.

[Hollyj]

Talking about his concerns isn't explicitly controlling. It is just expressing his feelings.

 

It is only controlling when he attempts to... control her.

 

This OP didn't seem like a guy that is going to "forbid" her to do something or some kind of crap like that.

 

In fact. Nothing he has stated even implies controlling to me. Just him wanting to express his feelings and not sure how to do it in a non negative way.

 

For me, it would indicate an insecurity and trust issues. Perhaps, controlling is the wrong term. I would never do the same to someone I was dating.

[Liraele]

I'd want to know if they had a romantic history of any sort - and how it ended, if so.

 

If you're uncomfortable with it, I don't see any harm in bringing it up to her, but agree with what others have said...make it clear that it's your issue and is territory you're unfamiliar with, not that you're asking her not to have him over, etc. Hiding your insecurities and issues isn't a great idea, because you're laying the groundwork for a future with this person (potentially)...if you're "fine" with it now, but really not...it's going to come up later and probably in a much less cool way than addressing it the first go-round. Ideally, a person you have a future with is going to be able to talk to you about how they're feeling and vice-versa without it becoming an issue of control or even really necessitating a compromise...just getting all the facts laid out and sharing some important boundary and comfort levels.

 

There's obviously an age gap here, and understanding that the relationships we were brought up with are different goes a long way in explaining that and helping someone who takes it as the norm to understand your feelings and reservations.

 

At a couple of months in, you guys may or may not be to the future-gazing point of your relationship yet, but you're definitely in a stage where you're learning some significant things about one another. I'd consider my comfort levels with opposite sex friendships and determining my partners boundaries within those friendships an important piece of information. So I definitely encourage not sweeping it under the rug or ignoring it, but do your best to handle it maturely and rationally.

[thealchemist]

For me, it would indicate an insecurity and trust issues. Perhaps, controlling is the wrong term. I would never do the same to someone I was dating.

Well honestly I feel that every human being on the planet has some form of insecurity or trust issues.

 

Someone who can express their feelings without making it an effort to change someone's behavior has a very good relationship skill.

 

I have pretty low insecurities. But if I do feel insecure I want to be able to express it to my wife without being attacked for expressing my feelings.

 

I just felt like you are saying the OP shouldn't express how he feels because it isn't a very becoming emotion.

 

I feel that if you don't have a open communication environment that would allow for expressing negative and positive emotions you are not allowing your partner to express themselves fully.

 

Now A LOT of people would use their expression of emotion as a way to change their spouse's beahvior, or at least attempt. That isn't what i am talking about.

 

But honestly, if my wife was going to do something that made me feel uncomfortable I would tell her without a doubt. I also would want her to do the same to me.

[Hollyj]

Well honestly I feel that every human being on the planet has some form of insecurity or trust issues.

 

Someone who can express their feelings without making it an effort to change someone's behavior has a very good relationship skill.

 

I have pretty low insecurities. But if I do feel insecure I want to be able to express it to my wife without being attacked for expressing my feelings.

 

I just felt like you are saying the OP shouldn't express how he feels because it isn't a very becoming emotion.

 

I feel that if you don't have a open communication environment that would allow for expressing negative and positive emotions you are not allowing your partner to express themselves fully.

 

Now A LOT of people would use their expression of emotion as a way to change their spouse's beahvior, or at least attempt. That isn't what i am talking about.

 

But honestly, if my wife was going to do something that made me feel uncomfortable I would tell her without a doubt. I also would want her to do the same to me.

 

I'm not. They have only been dating a couple of months, and he wants to tell her that he is uncomfortable with accommodating a longtime friend. I'm sorry, I think that that is odd. Unless someone has shown me they are not trustworthy, I will not be questioning their relationships with the opposite sex.

 

I believe he also was unhappy with the female friends, as it would take from his time. Damn! It is a couple of weeks.

 

If it were long-term, or a spouse, then that is different. One must have open communication.

 

If my longterm bf were going to put up his longtime friend for the weekend, I would have no problem, as I would trust him.

[Seymore]

 

Someone who can express their feelings without making it an effort to change someone's behavior has a very good relationship skill.

 

I have pretty low insecurities. But if I do feel insecure I want to be able to express it to my wife without being attacked for expressing my feelings.

 

 

Yep. If I can't even communicate how I feel to a gf that's a big red flag and I'd reconsider if she was worth my time.

[Hollyj]

This isn't about communication. It is about having a childhood friend stay the weekend.

[Seymore]

This isn't about communication. It is about having a childhood friend stay the weekend.

???

You said yourself if your bf communicated to you that he was feeling weird about it you'd see a huge red flag. Not even controlling you - just telling you about it.

 

It actually IS about communicating.

[Hollyj]

I would think it strange for this to come up at all. I would have an issue with the insecurity, as he should trust me.

 

I was saying that communication in a relationship is key. In general.

[Seymore]

 

I was saying that communication in a relationship is key. In general.

 

Glad we agree.

[reinventmyself]

Only a couple months in and I personally would just let this play out.

When it all boils down to it, someone is only going to want to be with you - if they want to.

If her guy friend turns out to be more than she states, you'll find out soon enough. This is great opportunity to learn something about each other

without having to try to make it more comfortable for yourself by telling her it makes you insecure.

This is apparently how she conducts her life. You are either ok with it or not.

If you feel disrespected by being a secret or set aside, then you have a choice to make.

[blueskiii]

I'm not sure about the calling you "controlling" part others have stated, mostly because you said you don't know if they had a history of being more than friends.

 

Yeah concluding that I am controlling is way out of line imo. Heidi made that diagnosis, but she also said I was "insecure" and "have big trust issues!!!" so whatever. Y'all have a lot of patience with her; using the Ignore feature works best for me.

 

Second, maybe it's just me, but if I was in this guy friend's shoes and had a female friend (especially for that long), and she was in a relationship, I would get a hotel instead of staying at her place, out of respect for the guy she was with.

 

Me too, but you're almost a Gen Xer too :)

 

For one, I would want him to meet you! And for you to meet him. Same as I would with my female friiends. No difference.

 

Second, I would not want to go two full weekends without seeing you! Even though busy with other friends, etc. One weekend no problem, but not two in a row. NOT when it can be avoided, plus I think it would be fun to all get together.

 

Has she mentioned anything about introducing you, y'all spending some time together? Even just one day or night?

 

Yes she briefly mentioned I would meet them. I just plan to let her decide what she wants to do with that. We recently started seeing each other during the week a bit so we'll find time to see each other around the weekends at least.

 

If you feel disrespected by being a secret or set aside, then you have a choice to make.

 

I have no reason to believe I'm a secret. Nor do I feel set aside. My issue is that one of the friends staying at her place is a male. Based on the forum's wisdom, elucidated brilliantly by DanZee, I'm willing to accept that the source of the issue is a generation gap.

 

Yep. If I can't even communicate how I feel to a gf that's a big red flag and I'd reconsider if she was worth my time.

 

True. But I mention in the OP that we communicate really well, even on difficult issues. Still not sure if I will discuss this with her, seems about 50/50 either way to me right now.

 

 

Just quoting these for their excellentness:

 

Well honestly I feel that every human being on the planet has some form of insecurity or trust issues. Someone who can express their feelings without making it an effort to change someone's behavior has a very good relationship skill.

 

This is great opportunity to learn something about each other without having to try to make it more comfortable for yourself

 

There's obviously an age gap here, and understanding that the relationships we were brought up with are different goes a long way in explaining that and helping someone who takes it as the norm to understand your feelings and reservations.

 

I don't feel that he is being controlling or anything because he hasn't even started this dialog with his Gf. He came here to make sure he wasn't being extreme.

[Babbsi]

I guess I’m the lone wolf on this one. If she has plans with friends for 2 consecutive weekends and says she will “make time” for you... she’s not into you. I think she may be cutting ties soon. Has she seemed less interested in you? I read my post and it sounds harsh which is why I’m editing. I’m a bit more on the insecure side when it comes to these situations. I’d have a problem with someone staying the night soooo it would be wise of her to have you stay with them on the evenings he’s with her. That’s just y humble opinion.

[reinventmyself]

I guess I’m the lone wolf on this one. If she has plans with friends for 2 consecutive weekends and says she will “make time” for you... she’s not into you. I think she may be cutting ties soon. Has she seemed less interested in you?.

But if I read it correctly, these plans have been in place (possibly loosely) long before they became a firm couple.

 

I could see myself doing the same thing. I am 5 mo's into a relationship and I might not have my best guy friend stay with me currently.

But in the my relationship infancy I might have done exactly what the gf is doing. But all along making sure my partner was ok with it.

 

AND. . it would be some what of a beta test to see if my partner can tolerate me having male friends.

(which has been a source of conflict in past relationships)

But above all, he would be included and introduced.

[Babbsi]

Yeah but if they’re a firm couple now she should treat him with more respect. I think it’s flat out inappropriate for this pal of hers to spend the night in her home if he’s not there. Not ok