partner or employee?

[Vanishing Girl]

I’m also a SAHM and can really relate to a lot of what you said..also feel my self esteem has taken a nose dive since becoming a mama (I guess when I didn’t devote my life to self care my self esteem tanked again).

 

I can attest to finding other people (other mamas especially) has helped me immensely slowly climb out of this comfortable cocoon I made with my son.

 

When we moved to our new place I found our current playgroup/co-op on Nextdoor.com

You may want to check your area.

[Lester]

Husbands, at times (usually the worst time), say or do stupid things.

The best time to do something about it, is when it happens.

 

Example:

He says, "I will SERIOUSLY reward you,..."

- You look at him and say: BITE ME. Preferably in a loud voice.

 

Don't think one time will be enough. It takes time to train a good husband.

[Wiseman2]

You could have said "Yes!, hire a housekeeper!". It seems the roles are breadwinner and homemaker/mom. Does he chip in? What chores/errands does he do? Why is money tight since you got married? It sounds a like a misguided attempt to encourage you.

He said "I will SERIOUSLY reward you, if you keep the house clean, so you can teach our kids how to be clean and organized."

[Batya33]

I’m also a SAHM and can really relate to a lot of what you said..also feel my self esteem has taken a nose dive since becoming a mama (I guess when I didn’t devote my life to self care my self esteem tanked again).

 

I can attest to finding other people (other mamas especially) has helped me immensely slowly climb out of this comfortable cocoon I made with my son.

 

When we moved to our new place I found our current playgroup/co-op on Nextdoor.com

You may want to check your area.

 

I'm glad you found a way to feel better -I found that limiting myself in any way to other moms was a mistake - too insular, too biased, too presumptive. Our kids might bond, and we might have nothing in common, and that's ok -just because we're moms doesn't mean we will connect in a meaningful way and talking to people who are not mothers helps with perspective too and keeps me balanced and part of the outside world in a meaningful way. It was a non-mom who once got me through a panicky evening because she got why I was panicky (power outage, baby who needed to be fed, inlaws who were there but driving me crazy). She knew what to do to be with me and be supportive and knew nothing about feeding a baby (including in the dark and cold).

 

On the other hand it can be a little sensitive/awkward when mom friends go through different stages especially when it comes to decisions about working outside the home and why that is happening (for example financial reasons only is far different than wanting to go back to a prior career you miss, etc). Obviously friends support each other, friends should weather "storms" like that but sometimes it's better to have a friend who is more objective, more of an outsider to these hot button issues.

 

A big issue I see is having the mindset that "mom friends" are needed - yes- you should have moms who you get along with -your kids can play together and they can help you out in an emergency and you can help them - you can bounce ideas off them that don't require real depth, etc. but make sure you never limit yourself especially since you say you need help with social skills, OP. Maybe go to a Toastmasters (which is what my mom friend did -awesome experience -she is somewhat depressive she told me). But get out there and take baby steps but get out there in some way at least once every other day.

[itsallgrand]

I don't understand why you don't look for a part time job now? I have a friend who is the main caregiver to two young kids and husband works away a lot in a camp job. She found she didn't like depending on him financially for everything, so she hustled her bum to come up with solutions. She has a casual job as a representive and she started her own sewing business in her home. By the time the kids are older, she plans to put more time into her business. She still does rely on him financially but she earns her own money for extras.

 

Yes everyone's situation is different but the difference is she takes ownership of her choice to care for the kids more than him in exchange for him providing financial stability for the whole family. You are blaming your husband , I'm sorry you are, for a choice you made and do benefit from. You are blaming him for your unhappiness now and the rut you've got stuck in. Stop doing that. Get proactive. Also I highly doubt your husband would hate some extra money coming in if things are tight, a happier more fulfilled wife, and to see you make plans for your future when being a full time care giver is less necessary.

 

It's your life so don't waste it with excuses for why you can't do this or that. Just my opinion.

[Batya33]

"She found she didn't like depending on him financially for everything, so she hustled her bum to come up with solutions. She has a casual job as a representive and she started her own sewing business in her home. By the time the kids are older, she plans to put more time into her business. She still does rely on him financially but she earns her own money for extras. "

 

I'll explain why that is very challenging when a child is not yet in school. Most work from home situations cannot be done just during the child's nap (if she naps) or randomly - you need to hire someone or pay for child care and often the number crunching doesn't work out because those work from home arrangements - especially the multi level marketing companies -turn out not to be lucrative enough to even pay for the child care. The part time jobs that pay more aren't going to take kindly to "my kid is sick again"

 

What I would look into for some extra money is babysitting in your home (check the licensing requirements if it is more than one child) where the child is dropped off at your home. Of course if your child at home is sick you'll have to cancel, etc but it might work since you're home anyway.

 

i don't think it's likely for her to get a part time job that will be related to a future full time job - that usually happens only when the woman returns on a part time basis to what she was doing before as a career if that is feasible and if her work situation/supervisor allows her to do that.

[tattoobunnie]

When my husband says something dumb, or I don't appreciate, I tell him how I feel right then and there, or when it sinks in.

 

I think he thinks what he said was awesome. But things in your head, don't always translate well or good. I would just pretend to be a dog and go "woof, woof, yes, master, I get me some bones tonight!!" He may not realized what he said was stupid, really. Always give him the benefit of the doubt that your partner sometimes since dumbarse things.

 

I work full-time, make double the money, take care of the kiddos together, and yesterday, clean the living-room like a mo-fo, and you know what anyone said to me? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. In fact, my husband walked int he living-room this morning trekking dirt all over the carpet again. And you know what's gonna happen, he's gonna be vaccuuming it all up when he gets home.

 

If you find that your husband is being a jerk, then stop doing his laundry; he's a grown man - I don't care how much he makes, or who makes it - he is the dad, and should still be contributing to the household. If he ever makes a comment about your cooking or cleaning, tell him, he can do it, then.

[tattoobunnie]

Sorry, reading through some other posts. I met a ton of great momma friends from meetup.com. Still, we all hang out together too!

[Vanishing Girl]

I'm glad you found a way to feel better -I found that limiting myself in any way to other moms was a mistake - too insular, too biased, too presumptive. Our kids might bond, and we might have nothing in common, and that's ok -just because we're moms doesn't mean we will connect in a meaningful way and talking to people who are not mothers helps with perspective too and keeps me balanced and part of the outside world in a meaningful way. It was a non-mom who once got me through a panicky evening because she got why I was panicky (power outage, baby who needed to be fed, inlaws who were there but driving me crazy). She knew what to do to be with me and be supportive and knew nothing about feeding a baby (including in the dark and cold).

 

On the other hand it can be a little sensitive/awkward when mom friends go through different stages especially when it comes to decisions about working outside the home and why that is happening (for example financial reasons only is far different than wanting to go back to a prior career you miss, etc). Obviously friends support each other, friends should weather "storms" like that but sometimes it's better to have a friend who is more objective, more of an outsider to these hot button issues.

 

A big issue I see is having the mindset that "mom friends" are needed - yes- you should have moms who you get along with -your kids can play together and they can help you out in an emergency and you can help them - you can bounce ideas off them that don't require real depth, etc. but make sure you never limit yourself especially since you say you need help with social skills, OP. Maybe go to a Toastmasters (which is what my mom friend did -awesome experience -she is somewhat depressive she told me). But get out there and take baby steps but get out there in some way at least once every other day.

 

I definitely don’t intend or mean to limit myself to Mom friends. My best friend is not a Mom and many of my friends prior to becoming a Mom I moved away from (so I was more or less starting over and went to mom friends first because it worked for my son and gave me potential to work with). I have a guy friend also from a LONG time ago that shares many similar interests to that and myself and husband.

 

I only really bonded with 2 (and now this year another) out of all the Moms I met and we do have the similar (but also different) interests. We swap skills by way of “workshops” and informal gatherings so it’s pretty beneficial as homeschooling Moms goes.

 

I likely would benefit (who am I kidding I know I would lol) from something more challenging....I’ll check it out, thank you Batya!

[Vanishing Girl]

I definitely don’t intend or mean to limit myself to Mom friends. My best friend is not a Mom and many of my friends prior to becoming a Mom I moved away from (so I was more or less starting over and went to mom friends first because it worked for my son and gave me potential to work with). I have a guy friend also from a LONG time ago that shares many similar interests to that and myself and husband.

 

I only really bonded with 2 (and now this year another) out of all the Moms I met and we do have the similar (but also different) interests. We swap skills by way of “workshops” and informal gatherings so it’s pretty beneficial as homeschooling Moms goes.

 

I likely would benefit (who am I kidding I know I would lol) from something more challenging....I’ll check it out, thank you Batya!

 

Woops I misread the advice as for me instead of OP (I think because I was quoted).....but expanded on my point I guess in the sense that. Start with what’s comfortable and than branch out as you feel comfortable OP.

[Batya33]

I definitely don’t intend or mean to limit myself to Mom friends. My best friend is not a Mom and many of my friends prior to becoming a Mom I moved away from (so I was more or less starting over and went to mom friends first because it worked for my son and gave me potential to work with). I have a guy friend also from a LONG time ago that shares many similar interests to that and myself and husband.

 

I only really bonded with 2 (and now this year another) out of all the Moms I met and we do have the similar (but also different) interests. We swap skills by way of “workshops” and informal gatherings so it’s pretty beneficial as homeschooling Moms goes.

 

I likely would benefit (who am I kidding I know I would lol) from something more challenging....I’ll check it out, thank you Batya!

 

Yes it was for the OP but also generally. I thought no my mindset was colored generally because I married and became a mom in my early 40s and had so many long established friendships with all sorts of people moms and otherwise.

[Unreasonable]

I'm not sure why he said that, I probably wouldn't have said that, especially in that way. I don't think it was meant to be nasty or demeaning, and I think you may be overreacting. The fact of the matter is, if we are to believe what SAHMs are constantly saying on facebook, being a SAHM IS a job. The "hardest job in the world," so they say. My wife is no longer a stay at home mom, but she was for many years. She has a new profession out of the house, I'm super appreciative of it, am very proud of what she does, and celebrate her accomplishments often. One could say I "reward her", but I don't put it in those words, and would never say anything that implies she works for me, because she does't, and never has.

 

Now, obviously, I don't think you report to him, that he's the boss, you really are your own boss in the business that is your household and children. If you get the sense that he thinks he's the boss of you and not simply being appreciative of what you do, I would have a talk about that, but I wouldn't lead into it with a childish "You're not the boss of me!" type of way. Take the high road and go at it with a bit more finesse than he showed.