why do we always fight?

[swissangel74]

Hi there, it's my first post and am happy to see I'm not alone...

I just wanted to ask you guys if you thought it was normal always to fight over stupid things.

 

I'm 30, he's 25 and we've been together for 6 years now, on and off. he is often away for work at the moment and we almost don't see eachother. we used to love finding eachother after being separated for a few days, but now we always fight before he comes back, which makes me feel I don't want to see him...I am very emotional and cry easily and he knows it, but even then, he often shouts over things that ARE NOT problems...

 

Is there something wrong? Is is worth it to gon on like that? We do love eachother, we're even talking about getting married next year, but it's too much right now...I can't deal with it anymore...

 

I have my problems at work, and cannot deal with everything at the same time. I would need support but he almost doesn't care...

 

Thanks for your support...

[Mermaid]

Have you considered couples' counseling?

[swissangel74]

already asked and the answer is always no no no.....

[CarrieB123]

but now we always fight before he comes back,

Is this on the phone? Because if it is, maybe you should not talk on the phone, and then you could miss eachother and appreciate eachother when you do see eachother. Just a thought.

[arwen]

Hey swissangel,

 

Fighting over and over is very draining, and won't stop until you find out the real cause of the arguments. Often figths about petty things or 'little' things are a sign that something at a deeper level is not right. For example, the following situations could be the case:

 

* He's under too much pressure

Has he been more busy at work than usual? Being stressed out at work can make us really irritable in the relationship with others- and unfortunately the person we are involved with will suffer the most from this.

 

* He picks fights to indicate something else

This is pretty complicated, and I really don't want to worry you. However, if you have the feeling he is like 'picking' fights with you- it could be that he is in fact looking for an excuse to end the relationship other than the reason he really could have, or trying to make you break up with him.

 

* There are communication problems that have been growing over time, and that are starting to surface now

In this case, therapy is a good option. That is, if he is as willing as you are to work things out.

 

I hope things will improve between the two of you. Keep in mind that you cannot change him, and that it takes the both of you to give the relationship a renewed direction. Don't let this be emotional luggage that you carry all by yourself.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

 

 

Another

[swissangel74]

hey again

 

thanks for your replies. he is indeed under a lot of pressure right now. it will still be the case for the next couple of weeks. i do understand it and try to be comprehensive when he complains about it. i went through periods like that myself and now what it is. i just cannot accept he takes me as a way to calm down and let his stress out. everything is an excuse for an argument.

I don't think he wants to break up, we're currently looking to buy our own house and made plans for the future.

but as we have broken up 3 times in the past, and always at his time of the year, maybe I'm different with him and afraid of it happening again. i dont think so though, but i'm very afraid of losing him again. maybe i'm uncounsciously putting pressure on him...i dont' know.

I just know i can't take it anymore, i don't deserve being treated like that. maybe we should stop calling eachother when he's away, as it always happens when we are on the phone. it could be a good try. or at least not call eachother twice a day, when in the end, we don't have much to tell eachother (as we both work, our days are always the same...).

 

he's coming back tomorrow evening and I'll have to see how to manage all this...

[CarrieB123]

as it always happens when we are on the phone

 

I know its nice to keep in touch, but if you are fighting on the phone, and then you see eachother after a fight that sux. So try keeping the cov's light if you do have them, and be very friendly(even if your faking it) such as "hi honey, how was your day, mine would have been better if you had been in it... (kissy kissy smochy smochy)

[swissangel74]

I'll try and do my best. the thing is that when we fight (as we did this afternoon), it's difficult for me to fake I'm mad at him or sad that we had a fight again...after 6 years he really does know me and sense every difference in my voice...

 

i'm really anxious at him coming back too, as last time we had fight on the phone and saw eachother it really sucked. 2 days of constant tension...i tried to talk to him last weekend that i didn't appreciate this whole situation, he understood but it seems nothing much has changed...

we'll see!

[DN]

What are the fights about - anything at all or do the same things keep coming up?

[swissangel74]

well, it's always a different topic, but really stupid things, that seen like that have no real influence on our relationship...but after all that fighting, for me it does have an influence.

 

we did have in the past big fights about his family, that i find to possessive and overwhelming, but we've sorted it out now, by talking and making compromises. the fights usually happen when there's a misunderstanding or if one of us feels his needs are not listened too.for example, today's fight was: a friend of his called me saying he and his girlfriend were coming into town for the evening. he said he had already organised with my bf the party after dinner (my bf will come home at 11pm about). So i invited them for dinner at home, so that when my bf would come home, we could then all go out together. and also because i have no money to spend on going to a restaurant. my bf got mad when i told him, saying he didn't want to see them, that he was tired and never said he was going out...But his friend made me understand the contrary. i propose a solution in eating at home and then i would go for a drink with them, so he wouldn't have to see them. then he started shouting even more, saying i was a completely dumb girl and wasn't capable of doing anything correctly....i got mad, as he doesn't need to insult me for THIS

!!?!!

when you think of it there's nothing serious there, but he made such a story out of it, and it's always the same thing. ...

 

nice, hum?

[DN]

Well the example you gave is interesting. You assumed you were doing the right thing but what you actually did was make plans without consulting him - not a good idea. You meant it for the best but he probably saw it as a little controlling - he may want to be included in plans that involve him. What his friend said is beside the point - he should still have been asked.

 

But his reaction was way over the top. Insults like that should not be tolerated. You both need to find a better way to manage your relationship and communication skills. If he won't co-operate then reconsider the relationship because what is happening will destroy it sooner or later.

[gimmeegoodlove]

Well, that does sound serious. You can disagree with a person without putting them down. If your arguments always end in you being less than who you are something is definitely wrong. Pressure or not pressure, he should not take his stress out on you. So be so accepting to that behavior because it is not normal or acceptable.

[Alias]

Well, I must say that reading this topic has been pretty helpful in solving my problem that I made a topic a few minutes ago. I am also new to this forum and would like to thank everyone in advance for all their help because this relationship stuff is hard, and I'm glad I can find help for my problems.