SEND HELP!! Early stages of dating.. should I still put the effort in when he is multi dating?

[SarahVV]

I still want to know why you are the one driving three hours?

 

 

I am travelling because we were living in the same town but Iv had to move in with family 3 hours away for 2 months

[Wiseman2]

Make sure you are not using his place as a weekend getaway, hoping it's more.

I am travelling because we were living in the same town but Iv had to move in with family 3 hours away for 2 months

[Batya33]

What do you want? Get what you want.

 

Perspective:

I have had a back and forth thing with a man for more. than. two. years. We have both been dating others this whole time. We have some boundaries with each other, but most of the women he dates - from best I can tell - get a weekend sleepover. I don't, I suppose because we don't have sex. The women stay in rotation for a month or two, and he is sort of monogamous with each. Then he dumps them. In fact, I am not even sure he dumps them. He just rotates someone else forward. They end it. He has no reason to end it.

 

Multidating is no joke. If you don't want it, don't do it.

 

Not all multidating is created equal. I multidated because marriage was my goal. I wasn't going to put all my eggs in one basket for someone I barely knew or give up opportunities to meet and date others. I did not have sex before we were exclusive though. I also did my best to avoid dating men who were having casual sex with other women - I dated men who had the same mindset as me -looking for marriage and becoming exclusive after getting to know each other through dating if there seemed to be long term potential (usually we became exclusive sometime into the second month of dating.

 

Multidating for casual purposes is fine if the people involved want that. But it's not for the same reason as multidating when looking for a spouse or long term partner.

[IAmFCA]

OP You really do have to be a your own guard, manager, talent scout, and talent agent. I'm the multidater example... I won't date anyone who lives beyond 30 minutes, nor will I date someone who lives somewhere I don't want to be. Its just not worth it to me.

 

Batya makes a good point: avoid someone who is having a lot of casual sex (if you can tell). Their interests (not just sex, also companionship, fun, etc) are getting met in the short term, which is a significant deterrent to investing the energy necessary for longer term.

 

For now, I suggest you revisit your goals. A strong LTR is easiest to create when your own life isn't in transition. You have a few things that feel transitional to you, even if it simply your own growth.

 

Short term, or no dating at all, might be smart.

[IAmFCA]

Piling on... When I discussed multidating with the man I just mentioned, I envisioned two scenarios, neither of which is what he does. I thought - pick a main parter, take other partners on less intimate dates such as lunch or afternoon events. Or, sleep with one on Monday, another on Wednesday, whatever, nobody owns anybody. The man I met feels he is acting with some discretion by doing it the way he does. It is a process that he feels works for him. He doesn't think he has casual sex, even. I think he does.

 

Everyone has their own process. You want to follow your own lead. Nobody else will lead you in a way that is best for you, except you.

[Batya33]

Piling on... When I discussed multidating with the man I just mentioned, I envisioned two scenarios, neither of which is what he does. I thought - pick a main parter, take other partners on less intimate dates such as lunch or afternoon events. Or, sleep with one on Monday, another on Wednesday, whatever, nobody owns anybody. The man I met feels he is acting with some discretion by doing it the way he does. It is a process that he feels works for him. He doesn't think he has casual sex, even. I think he does.

 

Everyone has their own process. You want to follow your own lead. Nobody else will lead you in a way that is best for you, except you.

 

But it depends on context. The OP is first dating someone and they have gone on proper dates. Soon they will discuss if there is potential -or at least she will because she wants to know -potential long term is a goal of hers. In that context, the discussion is different than in a context where the interactions are undefined in any particular way - for example where both people want it undefined or dismiss it as just "labels" or don't like "traditional dating" and where there has been no concrete discussion of goals or potential long term commitment whether generally or specifically. In the OP's case it seems closer to a traditional dating "ritual" and if one person wants something long term often there is a discussion at a particular point in time -when the one who wants it doesn't want to keep seeing other people and not know where they stand.

 

The situation you say you wanted -IAMFCa isn't really related to a goal of long term commitment - it involves two arrangements, one where there is a sort of "favorite" and the other where there are multiple sex partners (and with or without proper dates). None of those arrangements seem to be like what the OP is wanting here.

[IAmFCA]

But it depends on context. The OP is first dating someone and they have gone on proper dates. Soon they will discuss if there is potential -or at least she will because she wants to know -potential long term is a goal of hers. In that context, the discussion is different than in a context where the interactions are undefined in any particular way - for example where both people want it undefined or dismiss it as just "labels" or don't like "traditional dating" and where there has been no concrete discussion of goals or potential long term commitment whether generally or specifically. In the OP's case it seems closer to a traditional dating "ritual" and if one person wants something long term often there is a discussion at a particular point in time -when the one who wants it doesn't want to keep seeing other people and not know where they stand.

 

The situation you say you wanted -IAMFCa isn't really related to a goal of long term commitment - it involves two arrangements, one where there is a sort of "favorite" and the other where there are multiple sex partners (and with or without proper dates). None of those arrangements seem to be like what the OP is wanting here.

 

My biggest point to the OP is to.reconsider what she wants. Anxiety and basic insecurity are likely to attract instability in a relationship. Better to get at the root of those issues before challenging them.

 

In my own situation, what is universal about my personal example is that we DID go on dates, when we met, and on occasion thereafter. We talked about marriage as a goal, we talked about what it takes to get to commitment. We talked about dating as an evaluative process.

 

Two things come up in this example: the words we use - commitment, dating, etc - these words imply different actions to different people. The second thing is that people have different processes. What works for most doesn't work for all. We are talking about individuals, not averages, and we may be dating someone who is atypical.

 

For these reasons, we have to be comfortable being straightforward about dating, about what we want, about investing ourselves and divesting ourselves accordingly.

 

And in my situation - I did not get specific enough. When we talked about multidating, I didn't care so much what sort of plan he was following, but I thought I knew the plan. We have misread each other many times, because we each applied our own paradigms to the others way. E.g. he thought I wasn't sexual with him because I doubted his ability to satisfy me; not because I refuse to join the list of women who spend 8 to 12 weeks in rotation. He figured I was being practical - his paradigm. I know I am being proud - not moral, but egocentric.

 

All of the foregoing becomes irrelevant, if we simply focus on getting what we want. Keep moving till that happens.

[Honeycomb8]

It's only 2-3 dates in, you shouldn't be overthinking or caring about this so much...

[Batya33]

My biggest point to the OP is to.reconsider what she wants. Anxiety and basic insecurity are likely to attract instability in a relationship. Better to get at the root of those issues before challenging them.

 

In my own situation, what is universal about my personal example is that we DID go on dates, when we met, and on occasion thereafter. We talked about marriage as a goal, we talked about what it takes to get to commitment. We talked about dating as an evaluative process.

 

Two things come up in this example: the words we use - commitment, dating, etc - these words imply different actions to different people. The second thing is that people have different processes. What works for most doesn't work for all. We are talking about individuals, not averages, and we may be dating someone who is atypical.

 

For these reasons, we have to be comfortable being straightforward about dating, about what we want, about investing ourselves and divesting ourselves accordingly.

 

And in my situation - I did not get specific enough. When we talked about multidating, I didn't care so much what sort of plan he was following, but I thought I knew the plan. We have misread each other many times, because we each applied our own paradigms to the others way. E.g. he thought I wasn't sexual with him because I doubted his ability to satisfy me; not because I refuse to join the list of women who spend 8 to 12 weeks in rotation. He figured I was being practical - his paradigm. I know I am being proud - not moral, but egocentric.

 

All of the foregoing becomes irrelevant, if we simply focus on getting what we want. Keep moving till that happens.

 

Yes and in your situation for a long time you didn't know what you wanted and you knew you didn't want traditional dating or anything that had any label on the interactions - and you weren't sure what he wanted as far as intentions, nor did you care to ask. So those differences make a big difference in this particular situation because they are traditionally dating, she knows exactly what she wants, and she wants to know his intentions about dating and relationships now. I think there is a range of what dating/commitment means and I think your situation was atypical because in part you made choices to keep it that way. She wants typical. Typical in traditional dating as they are already doing is easier to communicate and he sounds typical so far so I think she should go with that and explain what she wants but without a whole backstory or huge explanation. He probably will know exactly what she means, with rare exception.

When I've encountered "atypical" in the situation she describes -she met him in a dating context, they've been on proper dates, etc - it was almost always because he wasn't that into me and he made excuses or used vague terms or abstractions. Not because he approached dating atypically.

 

She wants to know when to discuss her values/standards about only seeing each other plus the matter of the long distance and how it affects things. I agree with the others that it is too early. I don't agree that she should consider that he doesn't know what she means when it comes to dating/exclusively/potential for long term. She will know, when it's time, whether he is into her enough to want to see her exclusively and he will want her to know exactly what that means to her because the people who want us don't want us snapped up by other people because we couldn't be bothered to explain ourselves.

 

I agree to approach him with head held high and confidence and clarity.

[IAmFCA]

Yes and in your situation for a long time you didn't know what you wanted and you knew you didn't want traditional dating or anything that had any label on the interactions - and you weren't sure what he wanted as far as intentions, nor did you care to ask. So those differences make a big difference in this particular situation because they are traditionally dating, she knows exactly what she wants, and she wants to know his intentions about dating and relationships now. I think there is a range of what dating/commitment means and I think your situation was atypical because in part you made choices to keep it that way. She wants typical. Typical in traditional dating as they are already doing is easier to communicate and he sounds typical so far so I think she should go with that and explain what she wants but without a whole backstory or huge explanation. He probably will know exactly what she means, with rare exception.

When I've encountered "atypical" in the situation she describes -she met him in a dating context, they've been on proper dates, etc - it was almost always because he wasn't that into me and he made excuses or used vague terms or abstractions. Not because he approached dating atypically.

 

She wants to know when to discuss her values/standards about only seeing each other plus the matter of the long distance and how it affects things. I agree with the others that it is too early. I don't agree that she should consider that he doesn't know what she means when it comes to dating/exclusively/potential for long term. She will know, when it's time, whether he is into her enough to want to see her exclusively and he will want her to know exactly what that means to her because the people who want us don't want us snapped up by other people because we couldn't be bothered to explain ourselves.

 

I agree to approach him with head held high and confidence and clarity.

 

Batya, in my instance I did ask and he answered. I haven't believed him.

 

I may have sabotaged it, while learning a few things.

[Batya33]

Batya, in my instance I did ask and he answered. I haven't believed him.

 

I may have sabotaged it, while learning a few things.

Yes. For the OP my main point is that most people with rare exception understand - or do their best to understand - what each person involved means by dating and exclusivity etc- in most cases people get it especially people like yourselves who met online and typed and talked before meeting - dating sites make it easier sometimes to talk about what the various labels mean to you and most often it’s a very short conversation. It’s especially short when both people are seeing long term potential. Then there’s a huge motivation to make sure the other person understands the intentions so that the special person standing there doesn’t get snapped up by someone else because of a miscommunication. Most often /,with rare exception -,there is only confusion when one person isn’t sure or wants to keep options open. Sometimes that is really short and direct “I’m not ready to e exclusive” and sometimes it gets very vague and abstract and replete with back stories when the person who is on the fence wants to keep the other person as an option just in case but knows that she or he probably won’t feel strongly enough forlong term potential. Obviously there are some people - but it is rare - so truly have no clue what they want in terms of dating or relationships and can’t help but be vague or start referring to their childhood or past experiences etc. all that means iscthe person is unavailable for a relationship in general.

Again I’m not saying it’s black and white but this is generally what I’ve seen and experienced over my many years of dating and relationships. And vicariously too. Keep it simple and basic and common sense as much as possible.