About to End a 4 year relationship from a disrespectful action. I can't take this anymore!

[Clio]

I have no idea whether I can help anyone else on this site or not. Judging from my life experience it would be too ambitious! And I do carry dysfunction of my own. It's always easier to identify the dysfunction of others than our own, isn't it? I will say that I can be blunt at times and that is counterproductive. I do apologize for my bluntness to you as it was indeed counterproductive. I think that it was motivated by the fact that there are children involved and that what I think I see in your narratives seems apparent to me yet a blind spot for you. What might be helpful (or not) would be to take a step back and reflect on our encounter, because what I was trying to point out to you, you did it again with me: You don't know me. I am nobody to you. Yet you wasted time and energy going back reading my previous posts, trying to find "hot" buttons to push to hurt me back. All this for a virtual stranger. Why is unimportant people's criticism so important to you? And had I replied in the same manner, what would that back and forth of pushing each other's buttons accomplish at the end of the day? I am not sure what you refer to as "medical diagnosis". What I wrote was my personal opinion. If you already know what I wrote or it doesn't make any sense, then it's indeed incorrect and please ignore it. It is not easy what you are going through. I wish you the best of luck in getting back to a better place.

[thealchemist]

At first when I saw your "advice" I had to see what other "advice" you gave on this site.

 

While you felt pretty compassionate about my "dysfunction" I saw quite a bit of your own. You can't actually help anyone on this site can you? You can tell everyone they have issues and toss out a few diagnosis, but to give real support...not so much.

 

When I come on this site and I see the pain everyone is in, I don't slam them. I don't make medical diagnosis. I just help. I want to offer kindness and compassion to anyone here. No one is on this site because they have it all figured out.

 

I may have my own issues. I may have emotional scars, sure, but you may need to think long and hard about being on a site for emotional support. I was even ok with it all until you headed towards the "you all have issues" and you have never met me. You can surmise my "dysfunction" all from my painful venting session?

 

What a gift!

Don't bash people if you don't like what they say. Not cool. Especially when they are telling you what they think. Everything is opinionated.

 

You asked for a guy's point of view...

 

You need to not let this little drama queen bait you so badly.

 

She is manipulating you and you are letting her because she knows how to push your buttons and makes you look like a crazy person.

 

When she does her little passive aggressive crap and you get all riled up you look like you are in the wrong and she just plays innocent.

 

Also, I don't see it as much of a leap to assume she manipulates him through attention and flattery. Or worse. That relationship between him and his brother's SO is really really inappropriate from your description. But I am sure you can't be objective about this so I might just be seeing your subjectivity here.

 

I can understand you not wanting him being around her. He is insecure and she uses that to her advantage. If she wanted more drama all she would have to do is mess around with him and she gets to start more crap.

 

But all of this is a moot point in my eye.

 

He has already put his trust in her and not in you. That to me is unforgivable.

 

Unless you are way off base and actually in the wrong. But even then it sounds like you two have a ton of issues. Not the least of which being that he trusts his brother's wife more than you.

[MissCanuck]

Then once you two are able to discuss trust and if he believes your claim, you should discuss appropriate ways to deal with her. Likely it means he needs to stop interacting with her or dramatically limit it. If he claims to believe you but refuses to stop/limit interaction, that's a problem.

 

Did you miss the part where she describes this guy's abusive behaviour?

 

The sister-in-law is the least of her worries at this point. This is a dysfunctional relationship all on its own.

[EarthGhost]

Cheating lies in the heart, if it's there it isn't going away as the soil of that heart is foul to where only love for itself grows there.

Loyalty is like instinct, either one has it or one does not. If not , it cannot be taught. Loyalty can be gauged fairly accurately and easily by observing the loyalty a person displays for his own self. Does he stand firm in his own beliefs and principles to not deny or change them up in accordance to who is present? Willing to stand alone in it within a room full of people who sneer him for it? An overall insecurity in fear of what others may think or say of him, a need to be cool, to be liked, to be accepted? That need alone and desire to fulfill it usually leads one to lie, throw another under the bus, manipulate or destroy the feelings of another, or even take interest in things he does not even like just to fit in. Fake.

A man who is a man is his own man. As an individual, the ruler, the king of himself and his world not to be influenced by others. A leader not a follower because the path that others encourage another to follow is most times the path that benefits them , not the man. Proudly, fearlessly, and boldly a man will walk into battle even knowing victory is impossible as a man just simply does not surrender unless it was to spare the lives of his people.

A king lays his life down for his queen and mandatory will be respect of her by others in or outside of his presence. Her heart he protects as it is the other half that completes his own. He takes time to evaluate each move he makes as life is a chess game for him and the queen afterall, is the most valuable, most powerful player on the field.

[EarthGhost]

I spent 13 years with a girl who along with her relentlessly freeloading family disrespected me constantly. I tolerated it from her because I loved her.

I always was at battle with her uncles and cousins up to the night one threatened me in my own home and I beat the brakes off his ass. The rest of the clan came and I ended up hit in the head with a pipe. Doc said I was lucky and had I not reached him, I maybe had 10 - 15 more minutes before I was bled to death.

I said to my gf if I cannot be the man of my own home I am moving out and I did but stayed in trying to make us work. One day she said her brother had a co-worker who had no place and needed somewhere to stay and she could use the extra cash flow. I used to work there I said. One is not homeless while working a 50k a year job. I said I would end us if she did that so she dropped it. 2 months later she brought it up again.....

I stopped her and hard as it was I said F you Im done, you are history and never will I speak to you again. Im not stupid, Ive had a gf or 2 in my life.

Sure enough by the 3rd week afterward she comes out of left field to announce on fb that she is pregnant and how happy she was. Hit like a ton of bricks but at the same time, like I told my momma when she asked if I was gonna be ok after this news. Mom, I said, yes of course I will. I was going nuts wondering if I over reacted and jumped the gun. She confirmed I made the right choice giving me a huge relief.

 

Back this past August I met a girl one day. As soon as we made first eye contact BOOM , we both recognized our soul mate instantly. I was so fkn happy. After 45 years I had finally found her. After only 2 months we engaged. But the thing is, after just one month she started falling into the habit of suspicion, accusing, trying to imply I might be liking other girls.

I DO NOT lie to my girl, I do not cheat on my girl.

4 days after engagement she started screaming again in assumption. Fk off get out you are history I said. Because you know, at 18 a wise man told me the one like that to obsessively accuse and burn with jealousy is the one actually indeed cheating. That always rang true since the day he said it.

So I ended it, she left and that same night sent me a pic of her sitting on some guys lap and him licking her neck.

Hurt so gd dm bad but what a relief I did not marry that monster.

Been alone since but respect is mandatory.

[Starrdeal1]

Thank you. If I came off harsh my apologies. I'm overwhelmed with this situation. I don't intend to hurt anyone. I don't even really want to hurt this girl. I want her to just go away from me.

[Starrdeal1]

Don't bash people if you don't like what they say. Not cool. Especially when they are telling you what they think. Everything is opinionated.

 

You asked for a guy's point of view...

 

You need to not let this little drama queen bait you so badly.

 

She is manipulating you and you are letting her because she knows how to push your buttons and makes you look like a crazy person.

 

When she does her little passive aggressive crap and you get all riled up you look like you are in the wrong and she just plays innocent.

 

Also, I don't see it as much of a leap to assume she manipulates him through attention and flattery. Or worse. That relationship between him and his brother's SO is really really inappropriate from your description. But I am sure you can't be objective about this so I might just be seeing your subjectivity here.

 

I can understand you not wanting him being around her. He is insecure and she uses that to her advantage. If she wanted more drama all she would have to do is mess around with him and she gets to start more crap.

 

But all of this is a moot point in my eye.

 

He has already put his trust in her and not in you. That to me is unforgivable.

 

Unless you are way off base and actually in the wrong. But even then it sounds like you two have a ton of issues. Not the least of which being that he trusts his brother's wife more than you.

 

I wonder why I don't have the strength to just leave. I feel trapped by the kids. Really I feel trapped. I have no family here, and he isn't even working. Hes on disability and I'm covering all the bills. I have prayed and I'm just feeling defeated.

[Starrdeal1]

He also has gotten so deep In my head. He called me a loser and said the only reason I have the good job I did is cause it took me 14 years to get it. That cut deep . he said I'm not a queen and that hes doing his best with the cards he was dealt as if I'm some kind of horrible person. I said why don't you leave than. He said because I love you. I don't know what love is but I do know what it isn't. Hes very immature and he actually just gave this girl a ride saying he did it to protect me. I know this isn't right and I can't find the strength or the money to just fkn leave. I feel emotionally manipulated and drained.

[Starrdeal1]

Cheating lies in the heart, if it's there it isn't going away as the soil of that heart is foul to where only love for itself grows there.

Loyalty is like instinct, either one has it or one does not. If not , it cannot be taught. Loyalty can be gauged fairly accurately and easily by observing the loyalty a person displays for his own self. Does he stand firm in his own beliefs and principles to not deny or change them up in accordance to who is present? Willing to stand alone in it within a room full of people who sneer him for it? An overall insecurity in fear of what others may think or say of him, a need to be cool, to be liked, to be accepted? That need alone and desire to fulfill it usually leads one to lie, throw another under the bus, manipulate or destroy the feelings of another, or even take interest in things he does not even like just to fit in. Fake.

A man who is a man is his own man. As an individual, the ruler, the king of himself and his world not to be influenced by others. A leader not a follower because the path that others encourage another to follow is most times the path that benefits them , not the man. Proudly, fearlessly, and boldly a man will walk into battle even knowing victory is impossible as a man just simply does not surrender unless it was to spare the lives of his people.

A king lays his life down for his queen and mandatory will be respect of her by others in or outside of his presence. Her heart he protects as it is the other half that completes his own. He takes time to evaluate each move he makes as life is a chess game for him and the queen afterall, is the most valuable, most powerful player on the field.

 

We actually just went to a counseling session and the couple who is counseling us said "you don't protect her, you left her out in the cold and chose your brother and his wives feelings over hers". If I had enough money and knew I wouldn't lose my kids I'd leave tonight! But because his family is so manipulative (I know you know how that can be) I'm afraid they would pull there money together and try to take my kids away saying I work too much to be there for them. I feel stuck.