Friends With Benefits Vs Relationship

[thornz]

What is the difference between having a friend with benefits and a relationship?

 

Surely you are friends with your partner and surely you love, respect and admire your friends, so is the only difference the expectation that it might become a long term situation? You don’t plan a romantic future (living arrangements, marriage, children) with your FWB but you do with your partner?

 

They seem similar to me in a lot of ways and I see a lot of potential for hurt and confusion, even if you are clear and agreed that you’re not compatible in the long term.

 

I’ve had FWB before but I quickly got bored because of the lack of intimate connection. So is there even any point?

[Seraphim]

I don't think there is a friendship or respect or anything other than sex in a purely sex arrangement.

 

In a marriage there should certainly be friendship, intimacy,respect, loving and planning for the future.

 

FWB=sex without any sort commitment

 

Relationship/Marriage = relationship that takes into consideration every aspect of life

[j.man]

Sure. I like sex. I even like dating. Sometimes I want to do those without being exclusive, much less committed to someone. Also, as much as I like sex without commitment, from a sexual health perspective, I'd prefer not to bounce from woman to woman on any given weekend. I also like the idea of someone who, even if not partner material, is someone I get on well with so that it's a bit more than her or I showing up with a six-pack and waking up at an excruciatingly early hour to go home.

 

Is there a point? If you think sex with someone needs to lead somewhere or have the potential to, then there probably isn't one for you. Personally, I feel pretty fulfilled, so I can't complain. Just boils down to what matters or doesn't matter to you.

[IAmFCA]

I understand your question. Before I answer let me first be clear: FWB is rare in its pure form. FRIENDS means, I am not putting you at any disadvantage by having a sexual/romantic relationship with you. If I am a friend, I can't lead you on, treat you disrespectfully, take advantage of your trust. We are friends, and friends look out for one another.

 

For me, a FWB is that relationship that is perfect EXCEPT it would never last in an day to day relationship because you start to wear on each other; want different things in your future; you would not choose each other as life partners.

 

I have one -- it is wonderful as a mutual support system, ego boost, flirtation outlet, and very occasional playmate. I tried to create a new one, and was shut down, because my target is (or was) serious about me, and would not let me take our connection to a casual place. Both of these men are men with whom I share emotional intimacy.

 

Without intimacy, it is casual sex, and indeed does get boring pretty quickly. Casual sex, even repeat casual sex, is different -- it can be in the context of dating someone with whom we share an attraction, but not the depth of knowledge of each other that marks a friendship. The sex is boring, and we eventually find the person isn't compelling either.

[DancingFool]

Fwb is kind of a misnomer because most of the time it's really just no strings attached sex. The relationship/emotional intimacy aspect is missing...until one person develops it and the other doesn't and then it's just a mess. There is no point other than you enjoy having no strings attached sex. It's convenient as jman pointed out in terms you don't want to be out there hooking up with randoms for health reasons and there is someone you know, reasonably like and can enjoy sex with until you meet someone you are actually interested in and want more with. Of course if you do get attached, then it quickly becomes highly inconvenient and very painful.

[thornz]

Hi Seraphim, I don’t see FWB as a purely sexual arrangement. I would say that is a one night stand or no strings sex where you show up, bang and leave, maybe get offered to stay the night and fed breakfast if you’re lucky.

 

I see a relationship as anything from acquaintance to spouse but that romantic dating or a romantic relationship generally has some focus of deciding if you are compatible and able to form a commitment, you must be considerate and basically plan together.

 

FWB seems to be some murky middle ground that has many positives that I’m not sure justify the risk of the few downsides. I’m yet to make it past a few encounters with a FWB before the sex loses its appeal. Which to me defeats one of the main benefits, not sleeping around with lots of different folks and risking diseases and pregnancy with a stranger. There is always the risk that one or both gets too attached and then things are only going to go downhill from there. If you’re truly friends then is it worth the risk?

[SongCoyote]

In my view, Friends With Benefits is a relationship - it's just one with different parameters than are usually expected in what people call "a relationship".

 

For any relationship to survive and thrive it needs a certain level of trust, communication, honesty, respect, and compassion. FWB that work well have all that, but the people involved acknowledge that, for whatever reason, they're not looking to make the relationship exclusive, all the time, or whatever. People have a lot of different reasons for this: where they are in their life, attraction but different life goals, they may be aromantic by nature but still strongly sexual beings, etc.

 

FWB situations that fail tend to do so for the same reasons other kinds of relationships fail: goals and desires change, people grow apart, communication breaks down, someone's fears get riled up and they can't deal with it, etc. Such relationships are not inherently inferior or superior to others - they're just another flavor of how people manage their connections to each other.

 

Hurt and confusion occurs most often when people don't know what they really want and/or don't communicate well about it (especially the latter; our society doesn't teach us very well about how to deal with challenging relationships). Toxic behavior patterns will destroy any relationship.

 

Set up clear boundaries, respect them, renegotiate them openly and clearly when needed, and remember to be compassionate to yourself and your partner, and no matter what label your relationship has, it will have a better chance of working... and a better chance of not being a horror story if it doesn't work :)

 

Have fun, be well, and be good to yourself and others

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

[thornz]

Hi J man. I don’t feel sex has to lead somewhere, I just don’t enjoy it if there’s no intimacy, which requires some level of connection. I’ve found with FWB in the past I just got bored and moved on or just stayed friends without benefits, after it was out of my system because there was no intimate feelings to maintain my interest.

 

The only exception was with an ex, we had remained friends afterwards, years after our split we would have sex occasionally and it was amazing, the bond was there but the expectation wasn’t. No commitment but a strong connection and fun.

 

Do you think it’s possible to become only friends afterwards?

 

I like the idea of having a sex partner who I care about and trust but we have an understanding that it won’t go further, not having to risk disease or sleeping with multiple men in the same timeframe (ick). I don’t like the idea of potential pregnancy with someone who I’m not ever going to marry, hurting my friend, things getting messy. Future partners being uncomfortable with a friendship that was previously intimate.

[thornz]

Hi IAFCA, yes I am referring to that FWB situation you describe, where you truly are friends with the addition of occasional sex. I’m theory it could be such a beautiful thing but it seems like such a potential minefield.

 

I don’t like casual sex, it is boring and basically a risk that is not worth it in any way. I’d rather go without.

[thornz]

Hi dancing fool, I’m thinking more of the situation where you are actually friends and do have a close bond, rather than just simply someone who you regularly have sex with.

 

I think there’s a lot of benefits but also a lot of downsides. You could really end up losing your friendship, which depending on how good a friendship it is and how long you have been friends is worse than losing a partner!

[thornz]

Thanks SC, that’s how I see FWB, as a relationship without expectation of romantic commitment. I have my reasons for not wanting a romantic relationship but obviously I miss certain aspects of it.

 

My biggest concerns are that your friend (or you) may not realise/ or are not being honest with themselves that they would expect it to lead somewhere and you hurt each other OR that it may cause issues in your friendship further down the line (new partner not comfortable with your continued friendship because of your previous sexual connection).

 

It seems tricky to navigate.

[Batya33]

What is the difference between having a friend with benefits and a relationship?

 

Surely you are friends with your partner and surely you love, respect and admire your friends, so is the only difference the expectation that it might become a long term situation? You don’t plan a romantic future (living arrangements, marriage, children) with your FWB but you do with your partner?

 

They seem similar to me in a lot of ways and I see a lot of potential for hurt and confusion, even if you are clear and agreed that you’re not compatible in the long term.

 

I’ve had FWB before but I quickly got bored because of the lack of intimate connection. So is there even any point?

 

To me a real friendship where the friends have sex is because they are already good friends who want to have sex when they are horny. No strings attached. "FWB" is often misused and to me is a silly euphemism especially in the way it's used -it's used for two people who are not close friends but who call themselves friends who have sex when they are horny. Basically they are casual sex partners and at least one of them feels more comfortable calling it "FWB" for some coy reason. But it's not about friendship or about benefits. It's about two people who are not interested in a relationship with each other but are sexually attracted to each other.

 

It's nothing like a relationship. Certainly casual dating can include sex and certainly committed partners can also be very close friends (they should be!).

[SweetGirl28]

I've done FWB, and honestly if you catch feelings you're setting yourself up for

a world of pain if you don't end it quickly after realizing those feelings, IMHO.

 

Eff buddies , which I've never done, and never will, is to me sex without any emotion at all.

Just in contact when you want sex, like a booty call.

 

FWB does have an emotional connection, just not the commitment of a relationship that is going

to lead to living together, marriage, or long term. You care for the other person, do things together,

contact one another to ask about their day, etc. it's just in general not a person you see as having

a long term committed relationship with. Inevitably, someone's gonna get hurt. There's definite

attraction and a real enjoyment of being in the company of the other person.

 

I have seldom heard of any FWB arrangements progressing further, but it does happen on occasion.

[Seraphim]

For me losing any friend would never equal losing my husband. My husband IS my best friend. Other than my immediate blood relatives, my mom and my brother and my son and him there are no human beings that mean more.

[Seymore]

I don't think I could ever do a FWB type of arrangement. And it sucks because I often feel like the only one. With all the news articles talking about how great it is and so many people do it, it's difficult to understand. I guess I'm programmed wrong.

[IAmFCA]

Hi IAFCA, yes I am referring to that FWB situation you describe, where you truly are friends with the addition of occasional sex. I’m theory it could be such a beautiful thing but it seems like such a potential minefield.

 

I don’t like casual sex, it is boring and basically a risk that is not worth it in any way. I’d rather go without.

 

It IS a potential minefield. My fwb and I have known each other for years. We tried dating and failed. We went NC for about a year. We rebuilt very slowly. We work hard not to impose, we talk about how we are managing with things. We are quite intentional.

[IAmFCA]

I've done FWB, and honestly if you catch feelings you're setting yourself up for

a world of pain if you don't end it quickly after realizing those feelings, IMHO.

 

Eff buddies , which I've never done, and never will, is to me sex without any emotion at all.

Just in contact when you want sex, like a booty call.

 

FWB does have an emotional connection, just not the commitment of a relationship that is going

to lead to living together, marriage, or long term. You care for the other person, do things together,

contact one another to ask about their day, etc. it's just in general not a person you see as having

a long term committed relationship with. Inevitably, someone's gonna get hurt. There's definite

attraction and a real enjoyment of being in the company of the other person.

 

I have seldom heard of any FWB arrangements progressing further, but it does happen on occasion.

 

Yes. My fwb and I take breaks from each other in part so that we maintain a proper perspective and keep our emotions in balance.

[thornz]

IAFCA, how much do you see of each other? What kind of interactions do you have?

[DancingFool]

I guess to me true friends are people I love dearly but I'm not and could never be sexually attracted to in any way shape or form. So a sexual relationship is off the table completely and not even a consideration.

 

Fwb is better described as casual sex. Casual sex doesn't imply that you treat each other like an on call prostitute. It does involve basic friendship, socializing, etc. plus casual no strings attached sex. The difference is that it is much more about sex and the sexual chemistry and little to do with any deep friendship other than treating each other with basic human decency. Like maybe you run in the same social circles, so you go out to a party, but then end up going home together for a night cap so to speak. Yes you may stay for breakfast or not as it suits you. Casual means there is no emotional attachment and it can be discontinued at any time. You don't treat each other as a relationship, it's more arm's length and you don't owe each other updates about your life or explanations or even regular contact. It's also presumed that it will end at will, no explanations or break up conversations required. Not interested anymore is sufficient.

 

To me, emotional connection + intellectual connection + sexual connection = relationship. It doesn't mean that it will work out or that you are long term compatible, that's to be determined over time, but it is a relationship when you have those ingredients in the mix. Ultimately, you can't set rules on emotions. Once emotions get engaged, things get messy. That's why most fwb's end up with at least one person getting hurt. Most people really can't help getting emotionally attached.

[SongCoyote]

Thanks SC, that’s how I see FWB, as a relationship without expectation of romantic commitment. I have my reasons for not wanting a romantic relationship but obviously I miss certain aspects of it.

 

My biggest concerns are that your friend (or you) may not realise/ or are not being honest with themselves that they would expect it to lead somewhere and you hurt each other OR that it may cause issues in your friendship further down the line (new partner not comfortable with your continued friendship because of your previous sexual connection).

 

It seems tricky to navigate.

 

It doesn't have to be any trickier to navigate than any other relationship. They're all tricky when people aren't honest with themselves or each other, when we hide how we're feeling and when said feelings change, and when expectations are not clear and up front from the beginning.

 

The vast, vast majority of relationship issues could be avoided by prioritizing honesty, communication, and setting and respecting boundaries. See ten thousand RomComs for how failing to do so makes life difficult :)

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

[IAmFCA]

IAFCA, how much do you see of each other? What kind of interactions do you have?

 

We live in different cities (we didn't always), and see each other irregularly, maybe 3x a year, for several days at a time. Our visits are wrapped around other obligations, so for example, two years ago we spent 5 nights together, but only a couple of days around work and family obligations; earlier this year we took an amazing day and overnight at a luxury spot; his most recent visit in my area I couldn't stay the night at all but spent several evenings until the wee hours. We went for a run, a movie, talked for hours. We text daily, but lately have hardly been texting at all; sometimes we go for a week or two with no contact. Someone will check in -- You OK? We know about each other's sex lives, we sext, we mostly text embarrassingly inane connections: Hello beautiful! and sometimes "Been thinking of you all day" and certainly, "My kid got an award today!" and "I just got promoted" and "Should I mess around with this guy/gal?"

 

ETA

 

We didn't always talk about our intimate lives... I think we did it to desensitize us as he is on notice that if I get into a LTR -- and I've only one prospect for that and it is tenuous at best -- that our friendship will have to adjust. He wants us to take a annual trip with one another. I won't be able to do that. I don't know how this will be resolved. However, recently, I have decided I want to tell him less of my intimate life; we were sexier when we were less forthcoming.

[IAmFCA]

fwb just called... for example... told him I was thinking about not telling him so much, to protect the sexual aspect of our relationship. He protested. 1) That he wants me to enjoy etc and 2) that it turns him on lol. This sort of openness wouldn't work for many, but it works for us.

[catfeeder]

I’ve had FWB before but I quickly got bored because of the lack of intimate connection. So is there even any point?

 

Speaking only for myself, no, there's no point. It's messy kid stuff, and somebody usually gets hurt.

 

It makes no sense to enter into anything with anybody without first clarifying exactly what you're looking for to screen out anybody who isn't looking for the same thing. If you are relationship material, why even play around with FWBs, if not to try to manipulate a relationship out of someone who is also manipulating you for sex with no strings.

 

That's college hook-up stuff and not useful to anyone who would rather be smarter than that.

[IAmFCA]

Speaking only for myself, no, there's no point. It's messy kid stuff, and somebody usually gets hurt.

 

It makes no sense to enter into anything with anybody without first clarifying exactly what you're looking for to screen out anybody who isn't looking for the same thing. If you are relationship material, why even play around with FWBs, if not to try to manipulate a relationship out of someone who is also manipulating you for sex with no strings.

 

That's college hook-up stuff and not useful to anyone who would rather be smarter than that.

 

I agree. My situation works in part because it grew organically as a way two specific people express their connection.

[superfan]

Before meeting my husband I had a couple of friends with benefits situations.

 

For ME, these were people with whom I had a genuine friendship with, enjoyed their company and there was a mutual attraction. In both cases, we were not in the place for a committed relationship, so we engaged in something more casual and less defined.

 

In both cases, I managed to maintain the friendship after the intimacy ceased and they are still important people in my life.

 

It just depends on what YOU want out of it.